Bad Joke Thursday...and other days of the week

This punk pigeon was all up in my business, but we coo' now.

--

"My pigeon girlfriend had to go to the hospital."

"Bird flu?"

"No, took an ambulance."

--

Last night, I dreamt I was eating my pillow. The next morning, my partridge was gone.

--

"I've got to do something for my pigeon boyfriend on Valentine's Day. Maybe candy?"

"What about a Dove bar?"

"We always get kicked out of those."

RyanMM and Nerys, most of those have viola variations too. (As a violist, I feel justified in putting these here.)

Where do violists go when they die?
Back a stand.

What do you call a good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all in the same room?
A string quartet.

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

You're lost in the desert, very close to dying of thirst, when you see three figures materialize on top of a dune. It turns out they're a good violist, a bad violist, and a large white rabbit. Which do you ask for directions?
The bad violist. The other two are mirages.

How do you get a dozen violists to play in tune?
1. Shoot eleven of them.
2. Scratch that, who the hell wants a dozen violists?

How many violists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&M's.

And one more oldie-but-goodie music joke:

A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot, going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals.

After a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got no answer.

Finally one morning, after days of marching to this drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is wrong? Why have the drums stopped?"

The native guide replied "Very bad."

"What?" asked Horace, who was expecting the worst.

The guide answered "When drum stops, very bad--next comes viola solo!"

My neighbour's so inconsiderate, knocking on my door at 1 in the morning.

Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

In this vein:

How many Vorlons does it take to change a lightbulb?

No likes for you. None.

Y-You're a violist?
...

That is really surprising. Usually when I mention that, people are like "you mean violin?" Le sigh. Viola problems.

ChikaSol: <viola section fist-bump>

<misses because we're a beat off>

*reads all three parts of @IainC's joke* Iain, I... I think I hate you now. I'm sorry. *sob*

That's why I didn't read it.

I just can't put so much time and energy in a bad joke. I need bad jokes as instant relief. Like heroin.

you should read it now, better late than never.

No.

Bladida, I was in public. I have now lost all credibility in terms of not being crazy in the eyes of my peers. I am strangely okay with this.

Got a C on my calc exam which is great considering I didn't finish and I thought I failed (also I didn't study and other people who did got the same grade. bwahahaha suckers!)

And now to celebrate with lame jokes:


Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!

Where does a one legged man work?
IHOP.

How come you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish?

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaains!


Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!

What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO-BEE

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHH

What I don't understand is in The Sixth Sense, how did all those people not notice zombies wandering around?

Why does Ariel wear seashells on her chest?

How do you get down from an elephant?

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Surely that's a fish with no eyes?

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a drink and drinks the drink and gets into a fight and gets a bloody nose and gets dead and then is brought back to life by a wandering bringerbacktolifer guy who happened to learn the spell one day after winning a bet about whether he could toss a fully living breathing soccer mom through a hula hoop at one thousand feet over the ocean while balancing on a unicycle on the edge of a plane spinning out of control over the Indian Ocean circa 1942 back when riding unicycles on the wings of planes seemed more normal than not as the Ripleys believe It Or Not books hadnt yet been created and people were doing everything they could to earn a place in the record books once the books were to hit store shelves full knowing that without content the series of books would fail and people everywhere would have to wait until the internet to ever find out about the most egregious facts involving stunts and pursuits of skill off some random website that just happened to collect all this data from old newspaper scraps microfiche and and folklore since thered be no Ripleys books to crib from at a time when there was a great thirst for knowledge from a technologically advanced people so determined to satisfy their need for instant gratification theyre willing to sit down and watch all five seasons of Babylon 5 in a single three day weekend while only taking breaks in order to restock the chips and soda before finally giving in to exhaustion halfway through that part of the series when Garibaldi went to Mars and effectively rendered all of his subsequent scenes and storylines painstaking difficult to sit through while the audience was forced to sit and wait for the show to bring them back to the Station or at least over to Londos world where there was always something awesomely scandalous brewing capable of keeping viewers as enraptured as a stadium full of whiteknuckled football fans all aiming their 140000 to 150000 eyeballs at the ball as it sails through the sky and towards some hopeful player running with arms outstreched on some important gamemaking yard line while being broadcast on a television in some bar where a fights about to take place causing some dude to die and be resurrected by a wandering drunk Jesus who just happened to sort of vampirically cannibalize himself by drinking a bottle of St Marys finest.

An A, a C, and an E walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

OMG I LOVE jokes like these. My favorite EVER:

How do you circumcise a whale?

HAHAHAHA, that one never fails to kill me. Also, where did the little king keep his little armies?

Hahahah, I so have to remember more of these...

Oh god...

What did the leper tell the prostitute?

Aaaaahhhh!

PARAdoxial had better not change her avatar to Thor.

Here's some more for Speak With Bread

How do you get a violist to play pianissimo tremolando?
Mark the passage "solo."

What's the difference between the first and last chair of a viola section?
About half a measure.

Oh man, terrible jokes that make you a bad person for liking them! Get ready, because these are the most terriblest!

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Funnily enough, someone ran with that theme and made it a series of jokes.

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?

more music jokes because I can

I can count to infinitea!

Wow, this is really starting to gif me a headache :D

More importantly, did he have to murder someone for that bone?

Q. How can you tell if a truck is magical?
A. If it turns into a field

Q. Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?
A. Because if it was small, white and smooth it'd be a paracetamol.

(Can only do that one in BrE because paracetamol is a funny word.)

More here.