I love games. I even love game developers, on those occasions when they're not busy crapping out shovelware or packing beta software into a retail box and charging me full MSRP for it. But good god, what is it with this industry and foot-in-mouth disease? CORPORATE DICKERY: THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING "The goal that I had in bringing a lot of the packaged goods folks into Activision about 10 years ago was to take all the fun out of making video games." -- Activision CEO Bobby 'Satan's Anus' Kotick explains why Activision is top of the heap. "You know if it was left to me, I would raise the prices even further." -- Yep, still Bobby Kotick. "We're just trying to pretend that we do something beyond wallpapering our dens with your $10/month." -- EverQuest's former community manager Gordon "Abashi" Wrinn elaborates on the EQ team's day-to-day activities. "I think we definitely have been able to instill the culture, the skepticism and pessimism and fear that you should have in an economy like we are in today." -- Ever notice how Bobby Kotick's face kind of looks like a trout currently on probation for sex crimes involving minors? Or is that just me? "[Consumers] just fuck us up. [...] We just want to know if they have a valid credit card." -- EverQuest's Kelly Flock on fan input. "Game Boy is for 10-year-olds." -- Nokia's Ilkka Raiskinen, shortly before the N-Gage turned out to be the most embarrassing handheld failure since the Virtual Boy. "Labor is incredibly cheap in China and Hong Kong." -- American McGee, explaining exactly why he outsourced development of his career-killing turdfest Bad Day LA. "Shut up and give me my ten bucks per month, little man. My Porsche needs some performance upgrades." -- EverQuest artist Milo Cooper responds to a less-than-glowing reader comment in his Ask Milo column. SPOILER: Ask Milo was axed not too long afterward. SPIN DOCTORS THEY AIN'T "It was just intended to build atmosphere." -- Final Fantasy XIV's Hiromichi Tanaka attempts to justify Square Enix's decision to rename Chocobos "Horse-Birds". "Is it not nonsense to compare the charge for dinner at the company cafeteria with dinner at a fine restaurant?" -- Sony's Ken Kutaragi rubbishes claims that the PS3 is too expensive. "When we said 'full version' we didn't make what that meant clear enough." -- Microsoft's John Porcaro, shortly after gamers discovered that the 15-dollar "full version" of Lumines Live contained a tiny fraction of the content available in other versions of the game and would be fleshed out by further pay-for-play add-ons. "I believe we made the most beautiful thing in the world. Nobody would criticize a renowned architect's blueprint that the position of a gate is wrong." -- Ken Kutaragi, after people started complaining about issues with the Playstation Portable's Square button. "We don't provide the 'easy to program for' console that [developers] want, because 'easy to program for' means that anybody will be able to take advantage of pretty much what the hardware can do, so then the question is what do you do for the rest of the nine-and-a-half years?" -- Sony's Kaz Hirai explains why the PS3 is so difficult to work with. I guess? "Rumble I think was the last generation feature." -- Phil Harrison not-really-justifies Sony's decision to remove (and subsequently reinstate) force feedback in the PS3 controller. FAILED PREDICTIONS "Duke Nukem Forever is a 1999 game." -- 3D Realms' George Broussard lays out his legacy in seven words. "World of Warcraft is going to roll back to a million. I'm not predicting it's going to happen in three weeks; I'd guess it has a half-life of 6 months to a year." -- Michael Pachter, making people wonder exactly why he's paid to analyze the gaming industry. "The single-player game is a strange mutant monster which has only existed for 21 years and is about to go away because it is unnatural and abnormal." -- Raph Koster, fresh off the, uh, massive success of Star Wars Galaxies. "I don't think there are four million people in the world who really want to play online games every month." -- Michael Pachter again. Fun fact: WoW alone claims 12 million subscribers at current. "Imagine games which have no "loading..." screens and simply stream data from the drive without having discreet levels... Imagine games with real interactive music and true-to-life, non-repetitive commentary. Imagine levels 20x the size of a typical console game." -- Microsoft's J. Allard, discussing the impact of the Xbox's hard drive in 2001. 10 years later, I'm *still* imagining it. "Next generation games will combine unprecedented audio and visual experiences to create worlds that are beyond real and they'll deliver storylines and gameplay so compelling that it will feel like living a lucid dream. The result is a state where you achieve the perfect mind-body equilibrium as you forget your physical surroundings and you become completely immersed in the game itself; this controller becomes an extension of your body, it becomes the gateway to the Zen of gaming." -- Microsoft's J. Allard, predicting the impact of the Xbox 360. You'd think he'd learn, wouldn't you? "When Sony come to market they might discover that they've overrated the importance of polygon rendering." -- Trip Hawkins underlines exactly why his 3DO console absolutely *crushed* the Playstation back in the '90s. "We can win over the Halo audience with something like The Conduit, a multi-player, online, shooting experience, or Dead Space Extraction. And you know what? Once those people buy into Wii, they'll go buy Mario Kart or Wii Fit Plus.” -- Nintendo's Reggie "Mr. Potato Head" Fils-Aime, who apparently thinks that MastaChief~TeaBagUrAzz491 is only one crappy FPS away from buying a hundred-dollar balance board. "Customers do not want online games." -- Nintendo's Satoru Iwata. In 2004. Yes, I know. "You can communicate to a new cybercity. Did you see the movie The Matrix? Same interface. Same concept. Starting from next year, you can jack into The Matrix!" -- Sony's Ken Kutaragi hypes the PS3, possibly after drugs. MAN, WHAT? "Customers are not interested in grand games with higher-quality graphics and sound and epic stories." -- Nintendo's ex-head, Hiroshi Yamauchi, who apparently hasn't seen the sales figures for either Dragon Quest or Final Fantasy since, uh, 1990. "The Japanese have for a very long time dumped pornography into this country in a fashion they would not tolerate in their own country. It is another version of Pearl Harbor." -- Maverick lawyer Jack Thompson: international goodwill diplomat! "[RPG fans] are depressed gamers who like to sit alone in their dark rooms and play slow games." -- Hiroshi Yamauchi, continuing to win friends in the roleplaying community. "We don't play games for social interaction." -- Analyst Michael Pachter, apparently missing the whole 'MMO' thing. “We’re not going to announce it. We’re not going to announce when we’re going to announce it. And we’re not going to announce the strategy about announcing it or about when we’re going to announce it either, or about the announcement strategy surrounding the announcement of the strategy. Any other questions?” -- Take-2's Strauss Zelnick, after being hectored on a release date for the next GTA "Full frontal nudity, including nipples, penises, labia and pubic hair... much to the delight, one can be sure, of paedophiles around the globe who can rehearse, in virtual reality, for their abuse." -- Lawyer's lawyer Jack Thompson lays out some of the features that made The Sims 2 such a sales smash. "Unreal has a bald guy and a girl with a ponytail. Quake II has a bald guy and a girl with a ponytail." -- Epic's Eliot "Myscha" Cannon, explaining precisely how id's Quake II ripped off Epic's Unreal. "Keep your yaps where they belong, on this massive engorged jimmy..." -- Alex "Furor Planedefiler" Afrasiabi, showing the tact and class responsible for his current World of Warcraft gig. “The PS3 will instill discipline in our children and adults alike. Everyone will know discipline.” -- Ken Kutaragi, confusing "Playstation 3" with "vigorous beatings". Anybody else have any gems to share?