Broken Football League (2012-13 Fantasy Football)

I still don't have any reliable running backs.

Um, I have Shonn Greene, sir. Starting.

/farley

Remember that one time when Shonn Green scored 34 points? Yeah? That was awesome!

/end farley

I'm facing a ghost from my past this week, Mr. Beanie Wells.

I hope that he does not find my lack of faith disturbing.

There is no Ryan Williams, there is no Beanie Wells, there is no William Powell, there is no LaRod Stephens-Howling. There is only Arizona Running Back, and he scores 4 points per week.

Except for the week after you cut him, when he scores 15.

I got 18 out of L-Rod.

Week 13 Awards!

The I Thought We Were FRIENDS! Award goes to the Kansas City Hotsteppers, who betrayed their bosom buddies, the Antonio Gates Fail Team, by going 8-4 this season. Blame Matt Ryan! It's his fault, not me!

The Exactly What It Says On Your Jersey Award goes to Antonio Gates, who has more games with less than one point than he has games with ten or more points. What an incredibly disappointing end to his career (I assume, since he's been bad for a bit now).

The That Is A Very Good Question Award goes to Matt Forte, Ronnie Hillman, Ryan Mathews, and Rashard Mendenhall, who combined for 8 points. Why DO your running backs suck so much?

The Hotlanta Heartbreaker Award goes to Julio Jones, who scored 20 points for the Burlington Blitzers... on the bench.

The David Whitley Nightmare Scenario Award goes to Cam Newton and Colin Kaepernick, of Los Tiburones and the Burlington Blitzers, respectively. OH NO COMPETENT BLACK MEN ONE OF WHOM HAS TATTOOS HIDE YO KIDS HIDE YO WIFE

The You Guys Don't Understand How Great Thanksgiving Was For Me Award goes to Miles Austin, Jason Witten, and the Cowboys D/ST, who combined for 5 points across The Watergaters and the Ohio Players.

The Apparently Detroit Has Outlawed Cornerbacks Award goes to Andre Johnson of the Ohio Players, who scored 18 points without a touchdown.

The Beast Wars Special Appearance Award goes to Calvin Johnson of The Peatheads, who continued his incredible three game streak with 20 points on Thanksgiving day.

The More People Have Santonio Holmes On Their Roster Than This Guy Award goes to T.Y. Hilton of the Red Army!

The Also Mario Manningham, Titus Young, Leonard Hankerson, and Andre Roberts Award goes to T.Y. Hilton!

The For Once Jon Gruden Wasn't The Worst Thing To Happen To Contrai On Monday Night Award goes to Greg Olsen of Jim Sorgi Saved Me, at least as far as The Dreamwinds are concerned, as Olsen's 5 points meant the difference in a 104-100 victory.

The Maybe I Should Call Your Team The Steagles Award goes to the Olympia Waterboys, who lost a rough game to the Penises when the Packers and Seahawks (5 of his 9 starters) combined for crap.

The Contractually I Am Obligated To Acknowledge This Award goes to Chris Johnson of A GLORIOUS PENIS JOKE, who is now the 12th-highest scoring running back and once again a viable fantasy starter. Dammit.

The Griffinborn Award goes to RG3 And The Waiver Wires for their victory!

And the Scrolls have foretold of clutch wins in the cold
And shotguns and pistols unleashed
Against giants and bandits and great birds of prey
All shall fall before RGIII
Griffinborn, Griffinborn, by his socks we are sworn
To keep all first round picks at bay!
All our foes shall learn fear when our song doth they hear
Griffinborn, for the playoffs we pray!

Week 13 Bonus Award!


The Greatest Moment In NFL History Award goes to Mark Sanchez's Self-Inflicted Ass Blaster!

God Bless the Jets.

"...lost a rough game to the Penises..."

We've all been there, haven't we folks?

I must note that TY Hilton is the 29th ranked WR in scoring, averaging 7.7 per game, and put up 15 last week. NOT BAD!

Ugh, two of my WRs (Nelson and Broyles) are already knocked out of the game due to injuries.

Looks like Matt's fielded the Beanie I remember from earlier on the season.

Miracle of miracles, it would appear the Blitzers have hung on to defeat the Hotsteppers by the preliminary final score (subject to stat adjustments) of 70-64.

This stands in stark contrast to the opening game of the season, wherein the Blitzers dispatched the Hotsteppers by the more authoritative score of 114-79.

I have been swept!

Weekly awards are coming tomorrow (not that I can ever top Griffinborn), but I feel that a few things warrant mentioning right now.

Nine of our 14 teams have seven wins or more, meaning the playoff race is KILLER right now.

Ohio Players (10-3) vs, Kansas City Hotsteppers (8-5) (effing scheduling gods! Oh, wait, that was me.)
Jim Sorgi Saved Me (7-6) vs. A GLORIOUS PENIS JOKE (8-5)
Red Army (8-4-1) vs. RG3 and the Waiver Wires (3-9-1)
Vick In A Box (4-9) vs. The Dreamwinds (6-7)
Antonio Gates Fail Team (3-10) vs. The Peatheads (7-6)
Olympia Waterboys (8-5) vs. Los Tiburones (8-3-2)
The Watergaters (2-11) vs. Burlington Blitzers (7-6)

Six of our seven games have playoff implications.

This is the greatest fantasy season ever.

As an 8-5 team going up against the 10-3 juggernaut, I need some of you to play spoiler.

GOOOOOOOO WATERGATERS!

Losing Percy Harvin to IR is my least favorite fantasy news of the season

You can just pencil this one as a win for Talisker. My team is broken. I think ESPN gives me a high score projection just to screw with me. At least my keeper team is doing well. Battle for first place against Talisker there too.

Week 13 Awards!

The New England Kryptonite Award goes to the Burlington Blitzers! I am 8-3 against people not named Omniscia.

The ...Hello, Newman Award goes to Beanie Wells! Glad to see you're back in regular form.

The Crisis of Faith Award goes to Drew Brees of the Ohio Players, who apparently does not believe in first-round byes.

The I Cannot Wait For The Elder Scrolls 2013 Award goes to RG3 and the Waiver Wires, who are on a WINNING STREAK. HOLY SHIT GUYS.

The We Have Secretly Replaced His ACL With Cyborg Parts. Let's See If He Notices Award goes to Adrian Peterson of the Red Army. 28 points, and now he's the top rusher in the league. Heavens.

The Surest Sign We Are Late In The Season Award goes to Brandon LaFell and Joel Dressen of A GLORIOUS PENIS JOKE and Vick In A Box! Back into obscurity with the both of you!

The Fuck It, It's Friday Award goes to Friday! I'm too busy getting hyped for our last week of the regular season and managing Secret Santa stuff to be creative about the last two games. Hopefully I'll be around on Sunday to trash-talk/whine when I lose!

Week 13 Bonus Award!


The Only Correct Response To Finding Out That Andy Reid Still Hasn't Been Fired Award goes to Bill Murray!

I just went back and checked the dates to make certain, but my winning streak does indeed directly coincide with my purchase and subsequent playing of Skyrim.

Redguard Warrior. Griffin. It's a sign.

So says a Redskins fan! :)

My team must of looked like Henry Winkler to the Waterboys because he went off this week. Oh well, at least I have a playoff spot.

Goodbye playoffs, I probably didn't deserve to make it anyways!

Thanks to Colin Kaepernick's late-game scamper for a TD, and my last-minute swapping of Montell Owens for Ryan Mathews, the Blitzers are just 9 points behind the Watergaters going into tonight's game, with Shayne Graham, Aaron Hernandez, and the Patriots D/ST left to play.

Assuming the Pats don't go into negative scoring territory, I think/hope we'll be all right.

Playoffs?! PLAYoffs?! You kiddin' me? Playoffs?!

As a precautionary measure, I have benched the Texans D tonight, as I have a 5-point lead, the Waiver Wires have nobody left, and in my other league I just watched my opponent put up -7 points with the Arizona D. I am pointing this out so it doesn't look like I was not paying attention.

Alas, alack, we both appear to have missed the party.

But hey, look on the bright side: We get to fight this week for the supremacy of the also-rans!

Nine teams finished with at least eight wins.

Good show, league.

Tom Brady y'all. THE MANCRUSH CONTINUES.

And what with the -4 the Texans put up, I am pleased that I did this (although not pleased that I forgot to pick up another D for the week; I did so in my other league and later thought I had done so in both). First round bye!

I don't remember selling my soul to the devil, but there I am in the 6 seed. So, hail Satan?

Congratulations to all those who made the playoffs! My first losing season ever =(

I at least made the playoffs in the "other" league, but this was a sad sad year for my teams. Congrats to all in the playoffs!

Well, the playoffs start tonight. I gotta play Shmtur and Bill for the 3rd time this year! Sheesh, how many times I gotta face these guys! If you add their IQs together it totals up to like 300 or something. I don't see how letting them combine brainpower is fair! They should have to share a brain. Anyway, I've got AJ Green going against the Law Firm. Hopefully the Eagles will put up a fight so the Bungles don't just run it all night.