Broken Forum Secret Santa 2012 -- opening thread!

I believe so.

MORE SECRET SANTA LESS SAD

Talisker the forum poster, uh, not so much. Talisker the single malt, hell yeah. Examples of other sexy scotch whiskies in every day conversation:

"How 'bout I come over to your place and put a splash into your Glenfarclas"
"Roll my Buchanans over your tongue, and you'll never settle for anything less"
"I couldn't stop inhaling the intoxicating scent of her Dalwhinnie"
"Any of you fine ladies want to see my Oban face?"
"I eagerly waited for him to uncork his Old Pulteney so I could taste it in my mouth"

Suitable uses of Dimple Pinch, Sheep Dip, Balblair, and Smokehead are left as an exercise for the reader.

SERIOUSLY. IT"S BEEN ALMOST TWO HOURS SINCE THE LAST UNBOXENING! More needed!

Yeah this. Could we limit the reminiscing of ancient QT3 drama to other Drama Llama threads and leave those old wounds scabbed over for now?

Tell you what, I'll be home in about an hour and I'll open my awesome gifts from my awesome Santa immediately upon arrival. Well, not quite immediately, but immediately after taking off my shoes and pouring myself some whiskey.

For previously hinted at awesomeness, see below:

So, first off, my Santa is obviously organized, not a procrastinator and has their shit together because I had 3 boxes arrive around the first or second week in November. They sat snug in a drawer in my office where I could not see them, so I did not have to stare in agony. I saw no note as to from whom they were from so I wondered and wondered and all was revealed this morning when I received an email stating that I had further received a Steam gift straight off my wishlist. A game I know was met with so-so reviews, but one I knew I would eventually pick up and squeeze some joy out of no matter how the remake's mechanics were implemented:



The email, of course, included his Steam handle so the cat was out of the bag. Now that I knew who it was and that he and I are also Facebook friends, my stomach clinched with excitement and anticipation. What could he have ferreted out from our many years of "virtual" friendship?

And here they are. The one in the upper right had some heft to it, so I opted to save it for last. I did not check and of the "from" addresses save the small one so I had no hint as to what they were. I went with the small one first.



The small one felt about the weight of a boxed PC game although, I have almost forgotten what that feels like. And guess what:



To quote a sample from an old Public Enemy song, "Ha Ha very funny mother fucker". For those that do not know the wacky backstory, in the olden days at Qt3, I liked to dig up the obscure strategy titles and mostly TBS titles and bring them to the denizens of that forum. I found some good and bad, but this I had pegged as the second coming of HoMM in 2003. I pimped it like no tomorrow and people bought in. It was made by, I think a Russian development house before the population was known for producing anything other than good vodka. It was a buggy, nigh unplayable mess. And I say that having played and gotten enjoyment out of some buggy messes because I used to have time to give stuff every benefit of the doubt when there were so few TBS options. Anyway, for about 7 years, no one listened to any of my recommendations and now it is still dicey. Well played, sir. Well played.

Now onto the largest of the packages.

It felt like a boardgame, but I literally had not picked it up or looked at it since I received it and put it in that drawer and guess what:



Now this is some crazy shit because I can't tell you the number of times I have walked by this in the store, picked it up, looked at it and then though, "Fuck, I can't buy this". I get a lot of what I call pre-buyer's remorse. I used to get it a lot with videogames when I used to actually go to brick and mortar stores, but with, Steam, the low prices and the ease of clicking has rid me of that particular type of the malady. Now, it is just when I go in the hobby shops, which are few and far between down here so I am not quite as tempted. All that said, I imagine it was my love for Ascension that put you onto this and it was excellently done!

Now that heavy bastard.

My first thought was that it was a boardgame with miniatures or at the very least 1,000 pieces. Then I opened it and saw the to of a shiny briefcase and pretty much knew what it was and was thrilled.


Another thing some may or may not know is that I had another career prior to my current CPA profession that I loathed. Bookkeeper at a small family owned company. Long story short, I actually quit, with my wife's blessing as she knew how miserable I was, to play online poker. I had been relatively successful at it playing after hours and I had to get out. Luckily, I found a real calling and got out of that as it was killing me, but that is a story for another time. The point is, I loves me some poker, have one of those things you unfold onto a table on which to play and I play with friends when we find time, but believe it or not, I have always wanted, but never bought a real set of chips. Again, couldn't justify it in my screwy mind even though I knew they would get use and I would get enjoyment. Again, amazingly thoughtful and well chosen gift.

Loving summary follows:



balut, Joel, you are hereby nominated as the best Santa ever. At least dating back to when my Mom playing the part of Santa got me Dark Tower that one Christmas. In this time when I am struggling with marriage, work, life and religious issues (as we all are to some extent) and hit pretty hard after Friday wondering whether this world has much to offer me and also what is in store for my children, it is sincerely and tremendously heartening to know there are folks like you and the other Broken Forumites out there looking out for not just yourself and your own, but being caring and considerate to those around you in your daily comings and goings.

Thank you,
Tyler

[Like] There. Does not allow me to like my own post, but I would like the record to show that I am "liking" the contents therein.

Empire of Magic? That is some serious stalking right there. I tip my hat at balut.

Aww, shucks. I'm just glad my Internet stalkering and long Qt3 memory worked out right! :)

Hahaha, awesome. :)

Well, I may have laid it on a bit thick there at the end, but I am feeling very touchy feely and that is rare. Tomorrow I may blame it on some pharmaceutical I am not actually taking.

Damn, most of you guys spent more time, effort, and money on this than I do for anyone in real life (sometimes including my wife - don't tell her I said that). It's kind of amazing.

Yeah, kinda making me feel a little guilty here, folks. Knock it off with the whole being awesome thing.

When I found out that Tyjenks was my Santee, the first thing I wrote down - even before the stalkering - was, "Get him a copy of Empire of Magic." I figured even if everything else was a "miss," at least he'd get a laugh out of it.

I have booze! And I am opening gifts right now!! Photos coming as soon as I get through the multiple boxes and then the multiple individual wrapped packages that each box contains.

AW YISS, UPVOTE for Dominion!

IBah. Y'all shouldn't feel bad. All of the pairings are going to yield different results for numerous reasons. Everyone's participation is what Makes it great.

Empire of Magic was a nearly unique and awesome situation, which people still bring up in threads today. It was that awful a call on my part.

A few years back, JMR got me Master of Orion 3 for similar reasons - not nearly the 9 year legacy of this one though. :)

I have to thank Greedo for an unbelievable effort. You MAGNIFICENT bastard, you've put more thought into these gifts than I do for my own family!! What an amazingly generous, kind, thoughtful thing to do for some asshole you barely know on the Internet. Everything in here is dead-on. Any one of these gifts would have been great. In short:



Pics incoming, I have about 20 to upload. I shit you not.

These boxes of fulfillment keep arriving from Amazon.


Since I am already filled to bursting, I can't imagine what


*boom*

You know, the first box was awesome, and yet, it was also items I had on my wishlist, things I knew I wanted. But VegasRobb you got me something I didn't know I wanted yet. This room is awful dusty right about now...

Well done.

Jason, you're welcome ... but there's more.

HE GOT YOU AN IMAC!

Wait what?

That never gets old. Ever.

It truly is one of the best animated GIFs ever made.

HE'S GOING TO PROPOSE!

That bees gif... my wife and I just laughed for a solid 15 minutes...

Okay here goes. Let's Play: Open Secret Santa Gifts starring Greedo (as opened by me)

These gifts came weeks ago. Let's note that: dude was way ahead of schedule. They've been sitting in my kitchen table giving me come-hither glances for a while now. Tonight is the night we meet in glorious battle.

In my right hand I've got my trusty Tumbler of Honey Jack +2. Not a bad starter item.



In my left, some crappy vendor trash - Dull Scissors. No real advantages there, and in fact they may have had a hidden curse as I nearly fumbled and caused myself 1d4 damage during the course of this encounter.

We have two boxes. I open the smaller one first. Just as I roll initiative, I notice a disconcerting emblem and right away, things get suspicious:



Well, well, well. This is no ordinary box. I check for traps... nothing. I reassess my environment for clues, to no avail. Am I mad for soloing this boss? We'll see. Bracing myself with a slug from the Tumbler of Honey Jack to refresh my buffs, I roll for the opening attack.



Critical Hit! My Dull Scissors may not be so bad after all; I practically disembowel the thing on the initial blow. I do get a bonus for surprise, not to mention flanking. Flanking is rad.

I open up its armor and reach for the loot inside. It's internal organs are arranged strangely, but they look valuable. There are two main items within. I pull the first one out - it's covered in a spongy clear tissue that pops when I grip it.



Very curious, I've never seen the like. It seems to be... sloshing. And that can mean only one thing... I think. I momentarily cultivate a steely gaze and then rip off the outer coating.



Strangely festive organ tissue on these mobs. Also: it's definitely sloshing.

Greedily I shred the inner wrapping to reveal... an artifact of great renown. Something long spoken of in hushed whispers, but never seen firsthand.

I turn momentarily to my Tumbler of Honey Jack for guidance. It reassures me warmly, confident and secure, until... a challenger appears!!!




!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!

!!

Shrewd. Shrewd indeed. Well played, Greedo.

Tumbler glares at me resentfully; it senses my wandering eye. I'm tempted to flee with my ill-gotten gains before I can lose this treasure by delving too deeply and greedily.

However, good sense wins out because there might be more artifacts that need... rescuing. I'm going in for the second half.

I pull it out, wrapped in the same strangely festive tissue as the other item. This one is much lighter, soft but firm, yielding only slightly.



I examine it slowly, puzzled. Tumbler is ignoring me now and offers no insight. Removing the outer skin, I find... an entire bag of whole roasted premium coffee beans!!




The loot monster knows I love coffee. He knows it and he ate it whole, realizing I would retrieve it from his guts after slaying it in glorious battle. But how? And why?? This mystery gets ever deeper and still more mysterious. Mysteries are rad.

A sudden thud startles me from my reverie. Turning, I confront an even bigger loot monster. It sees that I've killed and more or less vivisected its young; I'm practically playing hopscotch in the innards by this point. It shrieks a mighty challenge and charges. I automatically lose the initiative because I'm taken by surprise, so my reactions suffer a -2 penalty.

I take a slug off the Tumbler. For strength.

Swinging my crappy junk weapon, I... OMG ANOTHER CRIT.



It falls on my desk twitching, mewling, strangely affectionate as if encouraging me to rummage its vitals. How creepy is that?? What are these strange, wonderful creatures of bounty and joy?

On the top is a mysterious envelope with mysterious script etched on its surface. Fortunately, it's written in Common. The engraving reads "OPEN THIS LAST!!!" I shudder at the power and arcane lore that went into these runes. As I'm puzzled as to whether it refers to itself or to the item beneath it, I set them both aside for the time being and begin rummaging.

A treasure trove greets me. I pull out a small heavy parcel first. It sloshes. Sloshing, as we have previously established, is totally radical. I pull off the wrapping.



!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!! Tumbler is actually dancing around on the desk at this point. We've made amends, with the help of this little tucker.

I pull out the next package. It's wrapped festively and carboardly. Consumed by greed, I make short work of its protective outer coating. Within it lies a soft fabric... a garment of some sort. Could this be...



IT IS! The Legendary Tunic of Bombastic Groove, bearing the insignia that has haunted my dreams for decades. And it is mine at long last.

Cackling with newfound power and fashion sense, I rip into the remaining packages. Four conical items reveal themselves from the depths. I've documented one here for your edification:



Somehow - and this is a though both entirely disconcerting yet strangely delightful - the Master whom these minions served knew that I collected these ancient relics known as "pint glasses" from various pubs and taverns throughout the land. Not only are there four of these relics contained herein, every one of them bears a different emblem, signifying distinct points of origin. This is no ordinary wizard or run-of-the-mill warrior that amassed this treasure.

Bracing myself, I proceed. The final package awaits. I destroy the wrapping with a glance.

An ancient tome of untold power lies within!



What secrets strange and terrible are contained within its hallowed covers? Time shall yet tell.

I amass my newfound horde:



A truly victorious holiday expedition, grander and more rewarding than I had dared to dream.

It may be that the treasure was but a fraction of that reward.

* * * * * * *

Greedo THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

Words fail, seriously. This is amazing. I'm truly, humbly, (roughly) touched.

Awesome haul SuperJay! Kudos to Greedo, natch.

You are very humbly welcome. Other than my 5-year old nephews, I don't really have anyone to buy gifts for this year, so the pleasure was all mine.

It was kind of funny to see you struggle with not having a wishlist and all that . . . by the time you posted your list of suggestions, I'd already had about 75% of the stuff picked out.

I wanted to say, "Hey, no worries mate. I got this!"

Glad everything made it intact and that it's a hit :)

So the time has finally come to unwrap this mysterious Norwegian package.



Hmmm. Very intriguing - a cryptic "924" written on the outside, along with curious documents. Perhaps the beginnings of an elaborate puzzle which will lead me around the world in an attempt to solve . . .

. . . oh, it's just a packing list and 924 is actually my apartment number. Ooops.

I open it up to find . . . A COCOON!! Awesome! Five weeks to hatch and I'll have my very own Norwegian Forest Cat, which I've always wanted.



Turns out it was just protective bubble wrap.

So inside is a nice note, a vague minty odor, and a fantastic haul of chocolates and candies.





Thank you so very much Amaranthine!! Be assured these will be eaten and enjoyed with love . . . but no curses :)

(and I totally plan on doing a Whitta-pic with the Walters Mandler bar when I get a chance.)



Of course, no Secret Santa opening would be complete without the, ah, Gift Inspector dropping by to check out the proceedings.

HOW DID MY CAT CARROT GET IN YOUR HOUSE!?

My turn!

I got home from work and excitedly grabbed my presents. Two packages had arrived and been taunting me for days.



(Edit: happy teapot says no posting addresses on teh interwebs. oops!)

I noticed that the address label on the larger one, which was festively wrapped, indicated it had traveled from the distant nation of the Netherlands!

Small package first. It opened to reveal a gorgeous handmade wooden case for my iPhone 4. LOVE IT!! The picture shows the back obviously. This will not show up in any of the remaining pictures, because I immediately popped it onto the phone (which I'm using to take them). It's perfect and I adore having a touch of a "real" material around my beloved phone.



Now I turned my attention to the larger package. Upon careful examination I noticed that the wrapping had been further adorned with a very jolly.... pigeon?

Hohoho!


The first thing I see is a pretty card attached to a pretty photo and a net bag of gnarly looking bulbs. Tulips! Hooray for Holland! It looks like I have time to plant them for this spring's blossoms, so I'll be doing that as soon as it stops raining non-stop.


The tulips were attached to a note... but our Santa's identity was yet to be revealed.


And there were still two more packages! Truly Santa was generous!


So I opened the first little package to find a cross-stitched kitty with a little Santa hat. "Aw," I thought, "Santa knows I like cats. And look, it's the same colors as one of my cats." The other package was the same size, so I figured it would be a cat, or another animal. It was another cat with a Santa hat too. It happened to be the same color as my other cat.


Wait a minute.... are those hats permanent? no... they are taped on. I lifted one and was RIDICULOUSLY delighted to see that these cats are labeled Min and Max...... MY KITTIES!!!


So thank you Secret Santa! It was at this point that Mr. W fessed up to knowing who you are since you had asked him for pictures of the kitties. So Bladida, thank you, thank you. I love it all!

The intra (or is inter) dimensional portal that all cats have access to.

You didn't know that??

Is that where they go when I can't find them?

AKA the ceiling.

Wonderful gifts everyone! This is all so joyous to behold. :)

There are three packages under the tree. They are no longer under the tree.



They are on the desk! And now it is time to open the presents and figure out what is inside them! Up first, the bag, because it is bulging in a most curious fashion.

Inside is... hmm.



Not sure if present...

It is! There is a tiny box inside this protective shell of tape and tape! And inside this box...



Let me open the box, Lucas. Go back on your tree.

Inside the box is...



...a thing!

I THINK, and I could be wrong, that this is a weird and intricate little globe-thing that, if you put in one of those disc things, and then spin it real fast, opens a portal to Sigil. Either way, it is wicked weird. I love it! And I'm not sure I know what it is!

What's in the big box?



HAIL TO THE REDSKINS HAIL VICTORY I DON'T OWN ANY HATS BECAUSE I LOOK SILLY

My Redskins headwear was lacking significantly, mostly because I have a carnival-sized head. Seriously, I go to stores, find hats marked Large, and they sit on my head like I'm some low-rent physical comedian. But this hat is adjustable, meaning it fits! I will wear it on Sunday for our next game, and if we win, clearly it was because of the hat.

Seriously, I'm excited! I've never found a ball cap that looks good on me, but this one does! Hell, I don't have any hats, period!

What's in the bag?



The crazy thing is, someone actually married me. Despite the fact that I am the King Of All Dorks.

Thanks, RSharp ! Excellent job divining that I am a Redskins fan (I don't know what tipped you off, my crazy rantings on Sunday that I can't even explain away by too much drinking, since I don't?), and that I am a steampunk fan (which would be a little harder, because I don't think that's come up since last year!).

And if you can tell me the command word for that thing so I can get to Sigil, that'd be rad.

Merry Christmas!

FIGHT FOR OLD DC

Santee, santee, why hath thou forsaken me?

It's not even 12/17 where you live, anymore.

In the interest of not making my Santa any more sad, I will open my packages today. They are at my office though so the soonest I'm getting pics up is in 18 hours or so.