Just decided to delurk and thought I'd come in guns blazing. So I've seen a lot of Crusader Kings II threads on this forum, and while they're pretty great, I haven't seen any one province minor attempts. I aim to change that. So, without further ado, lets get started! Ah, Crusader Kings. You give me so many houses to choose from. Will I play as the Capets of France, who spread all over Europe and were one of the most prestigious families of their time? Or perhaps the de Normandies, conquerors of England and Sicily? No, I think I'll play as the Galta (insert your own umlauts). Who the hell are the Galta, you ask? Well, they are this guy: Count Faste of Galta, first of his name. He owns the lovely, landlocked, dirt poor province of Dal, King Stenkil of Sweden starts the game with a de jure casus bellis on him (for those who haven't played, that means he can wreck my shit as soon as the game starts), and he's an unmarried 27 year old with no political connections or children in a game based on political connections and making children. He is also completely illiterate. Quite the looker, though. Just look at that jawline! Damn sexy. Anyway, before unpausing the game, I betroth myself in marriage to a neighbor's daughter in Varmland. Now I wanted to marry Ragnhild here, as she is set to inherit Varmland, and by marrying her all of that land would pass into my family when her father dies. Unfortunately, he seemed to realize that and denied the marriage. So instead, I betroth myself to her younger sister, Sunniva. I also immediately start plotting to murder Ragnhild so that Sunniva (and by extension, me) inherits Varmland. So to recap, this game essentially starts with borderline infanticide and promising to marry a girl that could be my daughter when she comes of age. It will only get worse. The spymaster of Varmland agrees to help, skyrocketing my plotpower to 135%. This kid is toast. I make a note to execute the spymaster of Varmland when I inherit. Can't have child murderers just running around my castle, after all. Well that was vaguely threatening. Being a de jure part of his kingdom means I can vote on any laws he tries to pass. While my vote is virtually meaningless and counts for only one elector (dukes get around 3-5, and they will do just about anything the king asks at this point), I decide to ignore the vote to piss him off a little. Take that, king of Sweden! The rest of the year is fairly quiet, and I am sure that Stenkil, K o S, is getting ready to invade my little county, but then something amazing happens. Jarl Erik the Heathen, house af Munso, Prince of Sweden, first in line for succession, and a devout Norse pagan, launches a sweet ass viking rebellion against the Christian lords of the south. This is awesome for two reasons. First, fucking vikings, man. Odin worshipping, axe wielding, manly as all hell vikings just goin' around and viking-ing it up. Second, this distracts Stenkil from conquering my ass for at least a little while. As a little side note, while you can't choose a pagan nation to play as from the start, I could send any children I have to be tutored by the Norsemen, and there is a chance that my children would adopt their religious beliefs. So Valhalla, here I come! A few months later, the rebellion ends. They lost one province and gave up. Sigh. You know, after all that disappointment, I could really use a pick me up. Maybe a plan coming to fruition? Some devious plot, perhaps? Oh wait, whats this?!? Put on your party hats everyone, after a scant three years I've assassinated my first child and set any children I have up to inherit some land! This will not be the last child to die. Though reading that description makes me wonder why Count Faste is saying "To hunt a man is truly the greatest sport." A.- You Just killed a 12 year old girl in the middle of the forest, that's neither a man nor a hunt. B.- He's saying it like he's done this before, which makes no sense as he has the kind and charitable traits. Also, it's unethical and horrifying. But mostly it annoys me because it doesn't make sense for his character. Anyway, back to the game. Well that's unfortunate. Maybe I've displeased Thor Jesus with my copious kindergartner killings? Oh well, to battle! Remember, though we may fall, true courage never dies! For honor and glo- So I've just been conquered. I was fortunate enough to keep my land, though, so I've a few options. Firstly, I could keep playing this game and try to scheme and murder my way to the throne. Secondly, I could start up a new game as a different count that has a better chance of maintaining independence. Maybe a Bedouin or Byzantine ruler? Thirdly, I could play some other paradox grand strategy game since there are already a few Crusader Kings II threads. Europa Universalis 3 is fun, and I also own the first crusader kings and europa universalis rome, though I don't really enjoy that one as much. Fourthly, I could do something completely different and play a vn or some shit. You'd have to tell me which one though, as I've only ever played Katawa Shoujo. If anyone deigns to read this, let me know what game and country you think I should play as!
To clear things up, here are the pros and cons of each choice- Continuing this game- While I'm no longer independent, as a vassal of Sweden and someone who has read a song of ice and fire, I could probably scheme my way up to becoming the king of Sweden, and then things would get truly crazy. Rebellions, wars, disease, Mongol hordes, just good times. Also, it would probably take me a solid two centuries of intrigue and assassination, so if you're into that kind of thing, hooray! New Count- I haven't tried a game as a byzantine or Muslim ruler, so it may be fun to watch me struggle through it. Also, I might be able to maintain my independence, which would mostly just be cool for bragging rights. Muslim and Byzantine rulers also get to plot way more often just due to the nature of their governments at the time, so that could be cool. And it would be a nice change of pace from frozen, dirt poor northern Europe. New Game- I could also start up another grand strategy game. Europa Universalis 3 would be my first choice, as I already own it, it has a lot of one province minors to choose from, and the graphics aren't awful. I could also try to set up a mega campaign by starting in crusader kings 1 in 1066, converting my save to a modded EU 3, and ending in 1918. So almost 900 years of intrigue and death. Fun! This probably has the most potential for insanity, just because of the sheer length of time it would take. In fact, I think I mostly want to do a mega campaign now. That would be pretty sweet. VN- I haven't really played many VNs, so if you want to watch me gradually get more and more disgusted by some truly awful piece of fiction, go ahead and recommend one. I'm not saying I'll ever forgive you, but it might be funny. However, I would prefer to keep doing Paradox grand strategy games so i don't have to make a new thread. So if you decided to read this have any opinion on the matter, feel free to suggest specific counties or whatever, as long as they only own one province and they aren't Ryukyu in EU 3. Anyway, sorry for the double post, and I hope this doesn't count as spam. Feel kinda iffy about double posting as is.
Sounds good! I'll post an update either later today or tomorrow afternoon on the continuing adventures of Count Faste, child killer extraordinaire!
So I just had the single most eventful 20 minute period I've ever had playing this game. Let's get to it. I start this session by realizing something amazing: I have no vassals. Now you may be wondering "Why is that a good thing, Count Faste? Doesn't that mean that you're just some dinky little lord of a podunk, backwater castle in nowheresville?" Well, yes, it does. But it also means I can set the taxes and levies I demand from my vassals to utterly ridiculous levels and no one will rebel. Now when I do get a couple vassals, they are going to give me all of their money. Yay me! But enough about tax laws, lets get to the weirdness: Oh you sly fox, Stenkil. You want to make me your cup bearer because you know full well that someone will try to poison your mead, and when that happens I'll be the first to drink it. Then, as my liege, you'll lawfully inherit my lands and no one will be the wiser! I'm on to your game. Also, just look at the way he starts his letters: To the Most Despicable Count Faste. Nothing good can come from that greeting. I...I don't get it. Are you setting me up for a fall? He literally just created that title a week ago, and now he's handing it off to me. What is your game, Stenkil? I haven't sent him gifts or helped him in any way, he's just giving me power and titles! It's starting to freak me out. Maybe he's trying to bribe me? Though it does leave me with Hakon (that dude I've murdered the daughter of) as a vassal, so there's no way he'll break the betrothal now. Hooray for feudal politics! Okay. I've got it. King Stenkil is trying to seduce me. There is no other explanation for him giving control of his army to an illiterate, recently conquered, disloyal vassal other than stupidity, and he's done very well aside from his apparent love for me. Well, if it keeps getting me ducal titles, money, and power I'll keep playing hard to get. So anyway, now that that whole thing is done with, I think it's time for some more intrigue. 'Bout to get Game of Thrones up ins. I noticed that ol' Count Hakon had another daughter, and while she is behind Sunniva in the line of inheritance, I don't want anyone with even the remotest claim to my titles around. So it's time to get the team back together! Tell me if you've heard this one before: A count, a priest, and a spymaster walk into a bar. The priest asks "What are you fellas gonna drink tonight?" The spymaster and the count answer at the same time "WE SLAKE OUR THIRST ON THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT. THERE IS NO ESCAPE. RENDER UNTO ME YOUR SOUL" Seriously though, 335% chance of death? I'm starting to feel a little mean now. Shocking no one, I'm responsible for the death of yet another child. At least this was a cleaner, more merciful death I suppose. Figuring that I'm on a roll now, I decide to go all in. Only 147%? That just feels so low now. Anyway, killing my future bride's father brings a whole slew of benefits. First, it takes away any chance of him ever having a son, which due to the awful sexism of the middle ages would immediately send Sunniva back to second in line for the throne. Second, it leaves me as regent of Varmland. As regent, I take a cut of the money from controlling the province and can raise its armies as my own. Third, it leaves me as regent of Sunniva. This means that when it comes time to ask her for her hand in marriage, I don't have to ask her father (who has probably grown slightly suspicious of the deaths of his family members and whom I doubt wants to give up the last of his line to the man responsible for said deaths) for permission. I have to ask myself. I don't really see myself saying no to myself, so this should go swimmingly! Do you even need to ask? Of course I want him to explode in a pit of manure! Odin's beard, I love this game. "Hakon went out with a bang." You smarmy sumbitch, you. Now that I've assured Sunniva's inheritance, I could rest on my laurels and just wait for my future children to own some more land. Although...as she has no surviving family members, her land would pass to her liege lord. Who just so happens to be me ever since Stenkil made me duke of Dal and Varmland. So if she were to suffer an unfortunate accident... As it turns out, she really did suffer an unfortunate accident. Don't get me wrong, I was plotting plotting her death, but then she just up and died of grief. I suppose she just couldn't handle the deaths of all of her beloved family members, the poor lass. Ah well. C'est la vie, as they say in France. Though I suppose the word life doesn't quite apply to her now. HEY-OH! So anyway, I decide to marry a Capet princess. She won't inherit any land, but it will ensure that I can start making babies right away and that if I go to war, I can call on all of France to help me. Granted, they'll probably surrender as soon as they start to fight, but hey, their white flags might serve as a useful distraction. I'll end this update with a little random event that popped up: Ha! You could say that they're...that um...crap, I don't have a pun ready and I know I'll think of one as soon as I post this. So here's a recap of what just went down: Stenkil tried to seduce me by sending more titles than I could've gotten in a decade of plotting, I murdered some kid, I murdered some kid's father, I planned to murder some other kid but she beat me to it by dying of grief, what with me murdering her whole family and all, and then I nailed some jackass's hat to his head. Coming up next time: I become Satan! Y'know, probably.
I'm on a roll now! Ain't nothin gonna stop me from lets playing the holy hell out of this game, so lets go! Starting things up with a little follow up to last time: Whats that? You just wanted a cup of coffee and some sugar? Get your own damn food, ya filthy lay-about! So after that little adventure, I decided that it was probably time to kill the former spymaster of Hakon, since he had helped me kill 3 children and a count with gleeful abandon. Unfortunately, he proved impossible to assassinate. So I made him my spymaster! What could possibly go wrong? In other news, my new wife is pregnant! Isn't that just perfect? And after I've been provided with an heir, I'll murder my wife so that I can marry another heirless countess and inherit her land love and cherish her forever, as she provided me with a darling child. Speak of the devil, here she is: Fun thing about this game is that now that I've named one of my daughters Spot, Spot will be recognized as a proper Swedish name for females.So there could feasibly be a Spot IV on the throne of Sweden eventually. I'm thinking al-Rashid for any male children. Not that my current wife is in any position to pick out baby names. "Zounds! What dastardly villain would kill a new mother in the prime of her life like that! No doubt it was a man of great intelligence to pull off such a feat so flawlessly. It is most unfortunate that the proper authorities will never catch him, nor will they ever be able to catch him. Truly, he is as a god, playing with the lives of others like this. What? Why are you all staring at me like that?"- Count Faste when informed of the death of his dear wife Emma Ya, probably a good idea to stick to beer from now on, buddy. And I think I'll be hiring a cupbearer. It would be far to ironic to die to poisoning after all of this. Of course, this wasn't the only plot I had running. As a duke, I can now vote on who becomes the king of Sweden, what with it being an elective monarchy and all. While I can't vote for myself just yet, I do have a cunning plan. You see, Prince Halsten is in the running, and he has but one son. All I have to do is keep assassinating his sons until he gives birth to a daughter, hope that I give birth to a son, marry them and voila! I'm now part of the royal family and eligible for the throne. This kid is going to die harder than a dude with a German accent in a room full of Bruce Willis-es. Bruce Willi? Willapode? Whats the plural for that? Doesn't matter, this kid is dead. I actually asked for this spymaster to come to my court, just because it would feel like cheating if I kept having a 7500% spymaster kill all of Halsten's kin. Dear Prince Halsten, My condolences for the loss of your son. I myself recently lost my dear wife Emma in a tragic drinking accident, though I know that could never compare to the loss of your heir. If it is any consolation, I will gladly marry any of my future sons to you future daughters. I promise you that if I have anything to do with it, none of your daughters will come to harm. Your sons on the other ha-. I'm sorry, I don't know where that came from. Sincerely, Duke Faste, first of his name So that went well! And they used the same method I used last time, too. I'm beginning to have a modus operandi for child murder. Huzzah, I'm now a proper serial killer! Unfortunately, the Swedish court is a dangerous place, and not all went my way. If you'll look to the upper right, you'll see that my spymaster Hakan has been murdered by the dastardly lord of Gastrikland! Of course, I did not trust this spymaster at all and had planned to kill him earlier myself, but nonetheless, he's making my family look weak! And we can't have that. Which is why, if you look at the rest of the screen, you'll see that I was able to convince (see: bribe) his spymaster and marshal to ensure his death. His time will come. In other news, I found a new wife to betroth myself to! When she comes of age in 14 years, I'll add yet another province to my lands! And with a chancellor working on fabricating some claims on Jarnbaraland to the north, I'll have a continuous demesne of land! Go me! Of course, court intrigue isn't the only part of this game. I also went all rasing sim on my kid. Children should be seen not heard. Unfortunately, she got the craven trait rather than wroth, but hey, live and learn. I'm beginning to wonder when I'll lose the kind trait. If I can keep it until I die with this character, I'll consider that a mighty achievement. The country also started a holy war against Finland! I sent the absolute minimum amount of troops I could, while the pagan north (about half of of our nation) sent approximately no one, so lets see how it goes! Sure, my marshal got a boulder dropped on his foot, but if you look right under that you'll see that 1731 brave Swedes are besieging the Finnish coastline. We're off to a good start! Oh...oh my. Well, at least my lands are far away from the Finnish scourge. I'm sure our king will surrender before they reach Dal. The only thing saving the Eastern coast of Sweden is a Danish crusade combined with some rival Finnish tribes. And even that is less than half the size of Finland's army! It's the Winter War all over again! So with that cliffhanger, this update ends. I might do one more update tonight, and then its time to do some homework. We'll see.
Last update of the night. Might even have to split it into two, this fucker got large. So we begin with a rousing success! For me, not Sweden's holy war. In fact, Sweden lost the holy war quite handily, which led to some deposed kings and some murder. But I digress: Looks like I can claim some more land! While I can't press my claim just yet as he's the vassal of my vassal's vassal and I can only declare war on one of my vassal's vassals (worst sentence ever typed in the English language? Quite possibly), this will be of great use later. Oh, and remember Chief Tolir, that prick who killed my psychopathic spymaster? Well: And with such a dramatic flair, too! You never see anyone getting assassinated by poisonous snakes in the dead of night anymore. Its always guns, which are just so impersonal. Bring back the good ol' days, where we may have died in droves, but at least we did it in style! Or abject misery, if you got the plague I guess. I wonder if I can assassinate someone with the plague? Things to ponder. Anyway, the Finnish war ended a little later as a smashing victory...for the Finns. The Swedes ran back with their tails between their legs. To regain their lost pride they declare war on the chief of Angermanland, a small province that can raise an army of at most two hundred people. I send in my warband of 358 men a little after the battle ends to get some of the glory. I'm such a helper! My cunning plan to convert my family to the old Norse religion began to take hold, starting with my sole daughter and heir, Duchess Spot. I also set her up in a matrilineal marriage to the 4th in line of succession to the Duchy of Ostergotland, perhaps the most powerful duchy in all of Sweden. This way, the boy takes my name and she stays as my heir. Now I just have to murder my way through 3 other kids and I'll be the most powerful land owner in Sweden! Though rather unfortunately, any children I have with my new wife may completely destroy this plot by being born a man, and thus being higher than Spot in the line of succession. If that happens, my house splits into two branches, the northern owners of Dal, Varm, Jarn, and Halsingland and the southern owners of Ostergotland. Civil war would be..well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Speaking of my new wife: She's actually pretty bad ass, high stats all around and a follower of the Norse pantheon. I think I'm gonna keep this one. She is also trying to secure the independence of her people, which gives me a glorious idea. But I'll get to that later. Unfortunately, my assassination attempts fell through, although no one ever figured out it was me, so at least I don't have the most powerful man in Sweden pissed off at me. Also, a son was born! All hail al-Rashid Fastesson, the future duke of Dal! The S at the end is for "I need to set the hotkey for screenshot to a different button." Anyway, the more perceptive of you may have noticed I'm at war right now! Don't worry about the outcome, I win handily, take his county, and imprison him. Who am I fighting, you ask? Well, you remember the vassal's vassal guy I couldn't declare war on and steal the land of (something about him makes me type awfully shitty sentences)? Well... Queen Maria I (who deposed King Bastion I, who succeeded the prior king Stenkil I, who was assassinated by some mayor named Arnfast who I honestly had nothing to do with) has a total lady boner for me.Ya see, when she made a bid for the throne, I voted for her to troll King Bastion, as he was sort of a dick. I didn't really expect anything to come of it, so imagine my surprise when she won the vote, made me steward, gave me a vassal, and invited me to a celebratory feast! So now she considers me her most ardent supporter and just showers me with money and honors. I'm also the master of the hunt, master of the horses, master of the swans, and the seneschal. Life is good for Duke Faste! She also let me do something a little crazy: I'm in the running for successor to the throne! Of course, there is absolutely no way I'm going to win, but it does put my name out there for future attempts. Lets see how the Duke feels about that: Aw, don't get down, Faste. I'm sure that brighter days are just around the corner. In fact, just today your wife made a successful bid for independence! While her lands aren't exactly important to the Swedish crown, what they represent are. Now everyone knows that they can not only secede from the country, that they can not only secure full independence for their people, but that they can do it without a fight. They know that the current Queen is weak. This puts me at something of a crossroads. I can either faithfully fight for the Swedish crown that has showered me with so much land and honor, or I can declare independence, continue to convert my children to the old Viking religion, and try to create the Empire of Scandinavia. I'll let anyone who wants to leave a comment decide. So anyway, that's the last update for tonight. It was longer, but I edited the shit out of it since it was pretty boring. Well, more boring at any rate. Anyway, before I eat some dinner/finally get around to doing a research paper, lets look at the state of the world. About what I expected. Spain is in chaos and the Byzantines are stomping all over the Balkans and Seljuks. Sicily is doing pretty well and, wait wtf?!?! Those aren't the Normans who conquered England, they would have shown up as a seperate country by this point. And it's definitely not the Norwegians or Saxons. France has just conquered almost all of England! Huh...I wonder if they'll forgive me for murdering one of their princesses. Oh well, that's for future me to worry about! I'm sure nothing will come of it anyway.
Then it's decided! You know, I don't think I've ever been in a win win situation in this game before, but now I either make a pagan empire in Scandinavia and bask in the glory or die awesomely, go to Valhalla, and bask in the glory. I can't lose! Also, there will be an update at some point today, but Fridays, Saturdays, and Mondays are definitely going to have less updates due to my awful class schedule.
I've been meaning to play the Shattered World scenario of the CK2+ mod for a while now. That scenario starts with no kingdoms, no empires, no duchies, just counties, and you and the AI have to conquer and build up from there. It should make for good AAR material.
....I am downloading that as soon as I finish this. That sounds amazing. Are you gonna do an AAR of it?
I'm too busy for the forseeable future to attempt an AAR, but at some point I figure I might as well.
This is probably going to be the only update today, but dammit, it's an important one. So the first thing I do is betroth my new son, al-Rashid, to a Norwegian princess. They're quite a bit more powerful than Sweden at this point, and if I plan to declare independence, they'll be useful in keeping the Swedes off my back. Also, an alliance would keep them from invading me, which will be a pretty huge threat once I start worshiping Odin. Unfortunately, I forgot that the alliance isn't official until they actually get married, and my new war for Bergslagen (Which is apparently the name of my duchy) Independence has to go on without allies, so you'd probably expect this to be a struggle against all odds that I win by the skin of my neck. And normally, you'd be right. However, I've been stockpiling gold coins like they're magnum rounds in Resident Evil and can afford enough mercenaries to keep the fight even. And I get a prisoner, too! He almost immediately begins to complain about his lodgings, so I put him in the oubliette. That'll learn him. My new wife proves to me that keeping her alive was, in fact, an amazing idea by going to war with Sweden for the province of Gastrikland. Technically, she's hostile to me as well, but as long as I just avoid her armies and crush any Swedish forces that pop up, we'll each be able to win our wars and my children will inherit that much more land. And in the middle of all this violence, love. But what should I name the little scamp? Well, a couple people have replied to this thread, so... Hope you're fine with being a girl! Though in complete fairness, Viking women are manlier than most dudes. Assuming no one protests, I'll just name the children after commenters in the order they commented. I'll also avoid any kind of inbreeding, so hopefully your namesake shouldn't be an imbecile with a harelip. Of course, I'll probably have to assassinate your namesake at some point, but that's just politics. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end and this war draws to a close as a resounding victory for me. A few months later, the Swedes surrender to my wife as well, giving her the province she had fought so hard for. Really starting to be happy I didn't assassinate this one. Of course, she can't really fight any more wars now that she's lost the only opportunity she's had in the entire game (wait for me to declare war and crush the Swedish armies, then declare war herself) so we'll see how that goes in the future. I also get an epithet like good ol' Queen Maria the Just up there! Considering how I've been acting, I'm hoping to get something like "the conniving" or "the psychopathic." Duke Faste The Terrible. Awesome. I decided to check on the state of the world after that point, mostly so I could gaze triumphantly at my newly independent land, when I noticed something a little strange. So it turns out the Normans did, in fact, conquer England. It's just that William the Conqueror also inherited the throne of France, which became his primary title. Considering the amount of dead siblings he has, I'm forced to assume that he assassinated his way to the top. A kindred spirit, really. Speaking of assassinations, something just feels...missing from this update. I can't put my finger on it, but... Infanticide! That's what I forgot. Anyway, there goes the heir to the Swedish throne. Now, when Queen Maria dies Sweden will splinter even further, giving me easier pickings when I want to expand. In other news, another kid was born. Let's hope he's luckier than Ragnhild. Of course, probably the best part of this update is this: That's right, the heir to my throne is a pagan! Now I just need to create an empire. Coming up next time, I invade the remnants of Sweden (probably) I mean, just look at it. It's practically begging to be invaded.
A short update today, since I'm awful at multitasking apparently. Starting things off with a new baby. After I get my first heir, I honestly prefer female children. Less fighting over succession, almost no one will vote for them in elective monarchies over your preferred heir, and I can more readily use them for alliances instead of focusing on land inheritance. I immediately knock my wife up again after this. Pretty virile for an old guy! You know, I'm really starting to like this wife more and more. I think I'll most definitely not kill- Oh, you son of a bitch. The worst part about this is that the kid who was going to inherit each of our provinces now only inherits hers, and since he isn't technically my vassal, I can't nominate him to inherit my land now. So now I have to quickly convert my second son to paganism and press his claims on his brother's land once he inherits. And that's it today. I said it would be a short update. Take this as my apology:
