Dealing with depression

I recall that my ex-boyfriend seemed to take it personally when I was in a depressed mood. He would also try to cheer me up. I think the best things to remember are that depression doesn't have anything to do with you or the state of your relationship, and also that trying to cheer up a depressed person might actually make it worse.

I would probably say try asking if there is anything you can do when your partner gets depressed, and if they want to be left alone, don't take it personally---this may be easier said than done, I think, because it's pretty hard not to take things personally. I don't know if I'm just telling you something you already know here, but these are the things that I vaguely recall having an effect on the relationship I had at the time.

Unfortunately I don't know of any books, and I also don't know if an organization like NAMI could help you with that, as I haven't been in a relationship in quite some time. If anyone has any resources, I would be interested to know, as well.

Rarely worth it imo... If this person never recovers for the course of the relationship you have spent x months throwing your time and affection into a black hole. (if this appeals to you then you have a problem too)
If the person recovers they will likely get rid of you shortly because by doing better they can do better.

People who kick depression generally reinvent themselves... they ditch their shitty habits, shitty friends, shitty jobs, etc. When one partner in a relationship reinvents themselves, usually the relationship dies.
OTOH if you're in a relationship with a "profoundly depressed person" I don't think you're going to get your needs met, and I don't see how there's a foundation for anything but resentment unless you have some weird reasons for pursuing a relationship with a chick that can't reciprocate.

i am actually screaming i should have listened to ely why didn't i
oooohhhh nnnoooooo
LET ME JUST KICK THIS DEPRESSION IT'S SO EASY
MAN WHY DIDN'T THINK OF IT BEFORE LIFE WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER GOSH I AM A DUMB i can't
i can not
i can
not
i can't
i really can't

if anyone needs me, i'll be under the table trying to convince myself that what i just read is not true and i am okay for being who i am

I'm not saying that it's easy. I'm saying that people significantly improve their lives as a part of getting over depression in a stable and semi-permanent way... and part of that change can mean trading up in mates.

You heard it here first guys, depressed people are incapable of love. They are like the Tin Man in Casablanca, they just need to find the Wicked Witch of the Southeast and their problems will be solved.

Edit: To be serious. You're talking complete shite CivilianApplications. I was severely depressed for years, and my close friends are closer than ever now that I've come out of it.

i am writhing because i am incapable of blocking out the things that people say in this particular thread.
this was such a safe place to have feelings.

Fuck him.

<3 you.

Ok... did you have a lot of great nurturing bilaterally positive romantic relationships during your long depressive episode?
I remember Omniscia's earlier posts. He has not been in this relationship very long. Also, he seems like a guy who has an inordinate amount of trouble talking to girls and who has trouble getting the sex and relationships he craves.
So... we have a guy with not a lot of equity in his relationship who is probably not having his affection reciprocated because his girlfriend feels bad about herself... Maybe she was depressed when he entered the relationship. I think that bodes really poorly for its future prospects. Maybe she got depressed after they started dating, in which case the prognosis is even worse.

Uhhhhh huh.
This is obviously some very kind, proper advice that is in no way condescending and should be stated.
Yep. Totally necessary.

Look, people are obviously not digging you being in here. Be courteous and excuse yourself, please.

Thank you, Lum.
In my heart, I am hugging you.

Thank you, Lum. That guy's an ass.

Well, that's not how I imagined that going...

Anyway, yeah, it's true it's not been long, but I'm not one to give up easily, and having been on the other side of the coin, it would be a terribly cruel thing for me to chuck someone aside just because they're dealing with things beyond their control. And they are making a valiant effort; it just takes time and patience.

How fucked up do you have to be to see "how can I be supportive for a partner with depression" and respond to it with "the relationship is hopeless, a person with depression is a black hole that cannot reciprocate, and if they get better they'll dump your ass"?

Like, what kind of synapse misfire must have occurred for there to be such a massive disconnect between the question and the response? Let alone how presumptuous the response was and how damaging taking the 'advice' would be.

But then we'd just be doing it cause we feel bad about ourselves and our black hole-like qualities!

Anyway, unfortunately I haven't read any books on the subject (but like Lady Silence I'd also be interested in resources). Sorry I can't help you there. But every person, relationship and depression is different. You could discuss with her what you should do when she feels depressed and what would help her best in those situations (if you haven't already). She would know best.

I've been in a situation somewhat similar to yours, but my girlfriend had bipolar disorder, so I did my reading specifically on that. One really good book I got was An Unquiet Mind by Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison, who is a clinical psychologist specializing in mood disorders who is bipolar herself, so she can speak to both the medical side of it and the patient's perspective. I don't know how worthwhile that'd be for you, but it does provide a unique viewpoint into mental illness.

And I'd be happy to share perspective / experience from that relationship if it'd be useful, feel free to PM me anytime.

I consider myself blessed everyday that Mr W stuck with me through my depression despite my being a piss-poor partner. Thank you Mr.W. Thank you. I've never quite said this, but there were at least two times when the fact that he would be sad stopped me from doing something really unfortunate.

There may be situations where it's harmful to one or both to stick with it, and don't forget the oxygen mask metaphor. I'm not saying you SHOULD stick with someone out of an overactive martyrship instinct. It's certainly not pointless, though.

So I have a question mildly related to this. Does anyone know of any differences between Celexa and Lexapro? I've been on the latter for a couple years now and I just got switched to Celexa because the hospital here doesn't have Lexapro (Military hospital, can't do much about it since I'm pretty sure Korea doesn't have my drugs anyhow). Also what the hell those pills are tiiiiiiiny. My husband was squinting at them for a couple minutes because he wasn't sure that I had enough of them (it's a 3 month supply).

I wish my husband would understand this. I recently had a pretty bad episode of crying over something pretty dumb, and even though I've asked him in the past to hug me because it helps, he didn't this time because I asked him once or twice to leave me alone. I asked him later why he didn't help me and his response was "I was traumatized, you were crying and I couldn't do anything" and made excuses about being too scared that I'd push him away so he prefers to do NOTHING and instead call from across the room "You don't need to cry" in a patronizing and i guess what he thought was "comforting" voice.

It really bothers me because it seems like every time we have a disagreement or something happens, it's not resolved until I'm sad and crying and apologizing like crazy for something I didn't even do.

When you are depressed, you might be projecting your distress onto other people when they may not, in fact, be experiencing distress. I started treatment after a horrible, terrible fight with my husband -- so bad that I had better do SOMETHING or he would have to leave me -- that he later told me he didn't remember at all.

You are okay for being who you are. Always. But CA has a point, even if he is an ass in stating it, in that if you want to escape depression then you most likely need to change something about your life. Being depressed might be what you feel is normal but it is not a state people end up in by choice. You're not a bad person for being depressed but if there was a way for you to just push a button and not be depressed wouldn't you take it? I know I would. I'd jump on it in an instant.

I'm not saying there's a magic quick fix where if you just put the effort in all your troubles will go away, or that you're lazy, or that you're at fault if you don't get better. You're not. Depression messes with people's heads where even if you know what to do you can still fail. I know it's maddening for me to know all the things I should do to feel better about myself but don't, because part of me just won't do them. But I also know that I have to change, that I have to make myself do things that make me happy and stop doing things that make me unhappy, even small things, or I'll be unhappy forever.

Well, I don't think I speak for everyone here, but I don't think any of us would have imagined your question going in that direction, either.

I think it's really wonderful that you want to be there for someone who has depression, especially after seeing the other side of the coin yourself. I have a vague recollection of being very difficult to deal with when I was in my deepest depressions. She may not appreciate you now, but once she gets a handle on her depression and things start looking up for her, I am sure she will appreciate the fact that you stuck by her for all of that time.

My ex-boyfriend is still a very good friend of mine. Things didn't work out for us not just because of my depression but also because he was a very angry person (and also possibly depressed) when we first met, and I found that incredibly hard to deal with. We were both really, really immature people as well. There are some things that neither one of us can take back, and I often just wanted to walk away from him, but I'm glad I stuck through it because he really is a wonderful friend. He has a fiancee now, and she's been very good for him, and I am happy for him. I'm gonna finally meet her on Thanksgiving. :D

I'm not saying that she will dump you once it's over, though. :D I've found that relationships that can weather bad storms usually become stronger in the end.

I have been on both, and I noticed no difference between the two. The side effects may be different, but I never noticed any side effects no matter which I was on, so I don't know what the difference may be. I was only told that Lexapro was "more potent" than Celexa, and thus was given a smaller dose. I was on 60mg of Celexa and was put on 30mg of Lexapro when I was switched. So your dose of Celexa should probably be double what it was when you were on Lexapro. However, they won't give you more than 40mg of Celexa, since that's the maximum now.

Come to think of it, the Celexa pills are much smaller than I remember. O_o

That's...not quite what I got, but you are right. It can be really hard to see that you have to make changes, and even after you do it can be really hard to make those changes. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself, "Why didn't I do this earlier?" Since my depression is more psychologically-based (you know, crappy childhood and all that), for a long time I was more interested in blaming what was going on with me on other people because that was easier. Also, I have come to realize recently that having to make changes to my life scares me to death.

Totally worth it in the end, though. As I mentioned before, I've really come to appreciate and cherish the people in my life that have stuck through everything with me.

Have converted my closet into my hiding space. Roommates understand.

Am feeling rather absurdly upset/guilty with regard to Aaron getting pickpocketed at an event I suggested we go to. Pretty sure this is latent "nothing good can stay"-type bullshit, but it's strong bullshit.

And, MulMizu - I'm sorely tempted to offer you the use of a sword if only you'll leave that asshole.

I'm sorry about the pickpocketing! D: If anything, report that shit ASAP and start cancelling cards!

yeah i deleted that post because like someone said before, all i do is complain. what's the point in complaining if i won't change anything, right?
r-right...?

....

THIS BASICALLY????????

Yeah, he's taken care of most of that. Honestly, I got quite a bit more worked up about it than he did. >.<

That's why we started this thread, right? Initiative is all you need, babe. And if it comes in the form of your friends wielding shiny objects, well, that's one of the few forms of initiative I can help with.

Not entirely true. I am still the same person I was when I was younger, just more aware of things and less depressed. Also less fearful, much more flexible, much less obsessive-compulsive, and a hell of a lot easier to be around.

Emphasis on the word shitty for a reason.

Of course, when you realize how badly someone has messed up your life or contributed to the mess and how much better your life could be without them dragging you down, you will want to end your relationship with them. I've done this with my entire family because I had no other choice. However, dumping someone who has been supportive towards you is like shooting yourself in the foot. I don't know about anyone else, but the people that have shown me kindness and support are the ones I remember, even if I never had the opportunity to have a relationship with them.

I also don't know how to explain this, but I find people with mental illnesses to be...kinder, more caring, a bit more mature, definitely more appreciative...just something that the general population is not. When I was in the hospital, I didn't want to leave even when I was feeling better, because the comraderie and the caring I felt from my fellow patients was something I had never felt in my entire life. I felt like they accepted me unconditionally. If I had someone like that as a partner, I wouldn't let them go.

For the longest time, I felt like I was some kind of a weirdo for liking being in the psych ward more than being out in the open. But now that it's been years since then, I can see why I loved it so much. Back then, there were regular, balanced meals. If I felt like crying about something, there was staff available to comfort me. At any hour. There were people willing to openly discuss my problems at any time without judging me or being passive about it. I was cared about.

That's not to say I'm not cared about now, but it's definitely different. JUST USING HIM AS AN EXAMPLE, NOT COMPLAINING, my bf is the kind of person where he cares, and I know that he does, but at the same time he shows his caring in the wrong way. No matter how many times you say "hey, I can't just stop my thoughts and go 'HEY THAT'S NOT TRUE' and be okay", he just kinda forgets sometimes. And I don't blame him; he isn't going through it and so I can't expect him to remember and understand all the time. I can't.

It's something I miss. And I guess I kind of have it here, in a different way? A group of people that understand where I'm coming from that are willing to be supportive when I need it.

hey guys i kinda love you ;w;

Yeah, to echo what everyone else was saying, don't give any credence to the "there's no hope for depressed people because if they get better then they won't need you any more". I fell into that fallacy with my ex, who ended up with some massive depression issues in the last few years of the relationship. For my part, I can tell you what not to do: don't try and badger them into acting "rationally". Don't continually tell them that they're making a big deal out of nothing. And don't turn it around on yourself and think that you aren't doing enough because you can't just fix them.

Be empathetic, but know what's beyond your ability to help with. It's hard to learn how to be supportive without being enabling - god knows I wasn't able to figure it out. It takes a careful mixture of patience, perseverance, and probably a small amount of detachment to recognize when something's beyond your ability to affect. It sounds like you've got your head on straight here, though.

Seconding Nute's very sensible analysis. And when all else fails, unless you're depressed about something involving kittens, go watch some kittens.

http://new.livestream.com/accounts/398160/events/1594566/player_pop_up

(BF keeps crashing when I try to hyperlink it, so there you go.)

I am going to be incredibly, incredibly brief here (edit: whoops, I lied), MulMizu. Nobody here should be considered a substitute for a trained therapist. Though there might be a great many people who are comrades-in-arms, who are experienced enough in navigating mental illness - both their own and, perhaps, that of family, friends and loved ones - to offer amateur guidance and, most importantly, comfort, that is all they are and all they should be considered and nothing more. Struggling to overcome one's own mental illness, one's own emotional turmoil is perhaps the most uphill battle a human can take; doing it alone, unassisted, with only the distant comfort of like-minded people, can result in a protracted process that might lead to more damage being done than good.

It is great that this sanctuary exists. It is great that we can offer unending, unwavering support for one another. It is great that Lum protects us from people who do not understand or who choose to inflict pain on us. To seek comfort in one another, to seek strength in others, is one of the greatest aspects of any support system; it is, however, not the most important - that would be seeking therapy from trained mental health professionals who can properly diagnose a person's illness(es), who can assist them in working through their own internal dialogues to find answers to whatever it is that is ailing them, who can assist them in properly navigating (and putting into a more healthy "normal") any relationships (work, home, love, friends, self, etc) a person might have. We cannot do that. We so very, very muchly cannot do that. In many ways we can only seek to replicate a professional's training, and in many ways we will fail, spectacularly, and that can have dire consequences. For us, as mentally ill people ourselves, and for you, the mentally ill person we care for; this is not meant as a blame game situation, as anyone who chooses to care does so of their own volition, but at times, in any sanctuary or support group, whether in real life or online, the emotions and the pressure can overwhelm already overwhelmed people. On the other hand, helping those in need can be therapeutic for likewise ill people (and incredibly damaging if the one they are helping is lost).

I hope you do continue to seek comfort here. There are many people who care about you. I care about you. Imploring you to seek therapy is a part of caring and is, basically, the only perfect solution any of us have to your posts. Otherwise we are stuck listening and offering imperfect advice, should you even wish for it, and even then we aren't professional caretakers in the same sense as the ones you had previously.

I am probably overstepping my bounds in the same way CA did above and for that I apologize. I consider myself pre-emptively warned. My intent with this post is not to shame or scare - quite the contrary, I hope many people will agree that if you need to post then you had better do so! - but rather to clarify that we, fellow sufferers, are only one part of the equation. We probably all hope you seek out the other part, we'll be here for you until you do and even if you do not, but that overcoming mental illness and emotional disturbance are difficult enough WITH therapy and medication, let alone without.

Please take care. From the bottom of my heart, I do apologize if, by posting this, I have caused you to feel unwelcome in any way or have caused you any grief whatsoever.

"You've made this day a special day just by being you. There's no person in the whole world just like you. I like you just the way you are."

oh mr. rogers
oh....

EDIT: Also, whoever invented gag reels deserves a medal.

Bryce, that was a really great post, and I would be more specific with that comment but I feel like a sack of shit so I don't feel like typing much. Just. Excellent though.

So, the boyfriend really does mean well, but I can't understand why he'd think it was a good time to nag me about doing more household chores and my general untidiness while I am in the middle of crying on him about how utterly worthless I am. Severe emotional whiplash.

jesus
/the tenderest hugs
I'm sorry, hon. :< SOMETIMES, MEN CAN BE SIMPLY AWFUL. /wristflick

but for real bby i'm sorry that happened you have my condolences and my love and everything ever