Dealing with depression

I've been struggling myself, the last couple of days. I see my psychiatrist next Monday. I'm going to talk to him about switching from the generic of Wellbutrin to the real thing -- there's an article making the rounds that says the two are not equivalent. Don't know if insurance will pay for it, but it's worth asking.

This might not really relate but...

When I had surgery long ago, I had to take vicodin. I was a kid, so I had to have my dosages given to me by my mother. This was a very good thing. As it ended up turning out, my body kept making me feel pain so I would take more of the meds, even though there wasn't anything wrong. So while I am not in any way trying to discredit your pain, I'm...not suggesting...uh...
...giving a "what if it's this"????

Words. I'm bad at them and I am sorry.

MulMizu, that's a reasonable point. I'm off the painkillers until otherwise ordered and toughing it out. Honestly, at this point, I need some persuasion not to just throw my hands up and accept that I'll be living with chronic pain for a while. (My roommates are doing most of that persuasion, but the possibility still exists.)

We're back to "well, go see the first doctor again and we'll see where she sends you this time." The pain's really not even that bad any more, it's just...always there. I'll live.

Just remember.
You can sue and make so much money. <3 Doesn't make everything BETTER, but it makes everything LESS HORRIBLE, I hope.

All of my love and hugs. <333333

My monies on it being an anxiety problem. Even self help would be very useful. This is coming from someone who has had a lot of trouble with physical anxiety.

guys, it's very probably not anxiety. it is a direct result of a botched physical examination, she talked about it in another thread. I know you're all trying to help, but maybe assume a bit less?

Speak, get better soon, that sounds like a very unpleasant experience. If it was me, I'd be eating ALLLLL the Haagen-Dasz to compensate.

Eating hurts, otherwise I totally would. <3

Girl, you know there's another person on the end of that lawsuit right? Someone who will almost certainly lose their job over it? Someone who spent over a decade learning to do something, made a mistake one day and as a result may never get to do what they trained to again? Who will feel stressed and agonizingly ill and unhappy?

Suing in this situation isn't wrong. But it should be a weighty decision, with full knowledge that the outcome has consequences.

It'a like digging a hole. Sometimes you need that hole, but to get it you'll have to kill some worms. Is it worth that destruction of life? Can we take that burden for a hole?

MulMizu, Aeon221: I have no intention of suing unless it's conclusively proven that whatever's wrong with me was directly caused by the initial ultrasound. Hell, multiple times this week I've debated calling the place back and reopening the donor process. I really hold no ill will against them, I'm just so damn tired of not being the one in control of what's being done to my body. If it's not directly related, and if they're still able to get some use out of my eggs, we might as well get this show on the road, no?

That somehow relates to why I left off the painkillers tonight, despite waves of excruciating lower-abdomen pain, and am medicating with bourbon instead. ...not sure exactly why, I've sort of lost the thread of that discussion.

The military doctors switched me from generic to welbutrin. The combo of that and Celexa seems to be doing me good, except I still don't have a whole lot of energy. At least I'm not lashing out at everything like I was when I first got here, so I think that part might have been Moving Stress.

My therapist a couple years ago said I probably shouldn't move overseas even if it means seeing my husband less because of all of the stress involved with migrating like that but honestly, I have no regrets because there's so much cool stuff here that it keeps me distracted enough that I don't even have the brain capacity to have an emotional overload.

I've been deliberating posting in this thread, but I decided to put it off until I'd read through it from end to end.

I'm not even sure if this post is in any way appropriate here and please, please let me know if it isn't and I'll blank it immediately.


I'm pretty sure I had a regular depression in my late teens - it wasn't ever diagnosed, but I spent most of my time feeling like so many here in the thread have described. Since then, my situation has taken a turn for the better - but in an odd, sort-of way. I'm currently in a situation where I function, objectively, fine, and yet I'm often loaded with a feeling that it just isn't enough.

I can work, I can shop etc., but whenever I do not have a clearly defined goal I become restless because I am not socially enabled enough. I'm incredibly scared of living the rest of my life as I have these past years, basically alone. Just the thought of being in a relationship is too much for me to handle. (This is going to sound completely ridiculous, but even though I enjoy reading LP's of dating sims, I can't actually play them as I project myself too heavily and freeze.)
Even this feeling of loneliness however, doesn't make much sense as I do have friends that I see, as well as my parents.
This is combined with the annoying fact that I can't handle being around people much.

A concrete example:
I love cooking, and I often take any chance I can to invite basically anyone for dinner. But when I do and they've actually arrived and we've eaten, I get restless because I feel that I am not able to be an adequate host and I can't properly interact with them. Then after a while I become exhausted just by their presence and I often have to ask them to leave before they'd do that on their own volition. As you can imagine that is not exactly something I'm proud of.

Yet I don't think I'm depressed. I often feel just fine; mostly when I'm working or creating something, or just when I forget that I am alone. I never seem to be able to specify towards myself what my feelings currently are. Generally it's just that when I think about it, it's bad, and when I don't, it's good.

I have been in therapy, but it's been quite a few years since the last time and I was feeling quite a bit worse at that time. Not that I ever felt it made any difference. I did have a consultation with a psychologist a few months ago but what was basically said then was "We won't be able to help you since you are not willing to accept the help."
Obviously I'm fighting against it (and the only logical reason for this would be that I am scared), but I really have no clue how I could turn this around.

Sorry if I am rambling; I have a hard time making my points come across in text - even less when dealing with a subject like this. Please understand that I am not looking for sympathy, for me that doesn't really do anything. I'm looking for input from people. (And venting, I guess)

On that note: WHY THE HELL DOES THIS OLD GUY AT WORK END THE DAY WITH SAYING "GOODNIGHT, SLEEP TIGHT" WHEN HE LEAVES?

If we want to use this thread for much needed direction on how to get help, maybe we should make a thread for venting. Sometimes screaming at top of your lungs at how awful something is (which we do about many other things around here) can be just what is needed to roll over and kick our own butts in gear.

I know several of us were kinda keeping a where are we on the scale sort of thing, so we can look back and reference with a clean eye and help if needed.

Probably just an overenthusiastic Beatles fan.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdRgdiSizFE

An old radio station in Chicago used to sign off with that song every single night.

This is exactly what this thread is for.

We can't really diagnose you, but it sounds a lot like anxiety to me. The thing with your brain shutting down from being overloaded is quite common with anxiety. And yes therapy is difficult. Especially when it's the wrong kind or the therapist isn't very good. You could try some self help books. I've found the Feeling good handbook to be quite useful http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326 It uses a CBT approach and is quite easy to relate to. It's still going to be hard work though. Just with out the pressure from dealing with a therapist.

I've never thought of it as anxiety, but that may very well be because I don't really like the thought of it. I assume that it isn't a diagnosis that's very firmly set? It's not that I feel scared in situations like I described, but I dislike the emotion I feels in the situation. I don't really have a clue how honest I'm actually being with myself though, so it's hard to tell how it really is.

I'm not sure I could actually devote me to going through a book like that - I think the problem is that I usually don't feel bad enough that I think it would be warranted - and when I do, I wouldn't have the will to read anyway.

It's not a diagnosis, only a mental health professional can give you a proper diagnosis. My suggestions are more of a wild stab in the dark or possible cause of your problems. I bring up anxiety because your talk of worries and the freezing thing especially rings a bell for me, because my brain tends to freeze up when i'm put in a difficult situation. Also I can relate to being dishonest with oneself, accepting that some of your behaviours are maladaptive is down right painful at times. Not that I'm saying you have a problem of course :) Only you can really decide if your behaviour is interfering with your life and from there decide whether or not you honestly want help.

I went on Wellbutrin last year, and it worked wonders, but I later got switched to Bupropion/the generic, and suddenly those effects were gone. I'd say if it's not having an effect, mentioning the possibility of switching to your psychiatrist is a good idea. (I'd have done the same, but my insurance refused to cover brand name Wellbutrin, and I couldn't justify spending that much money every month on antidepressants.)

Well one would think I would have learned my lesson every other time I have opened my heart up to someone else. Apparently I am not capable of just understanding that being alone is better then getting hurt over and over. I hate so much how my depression tells me its of course all my fault. Just want to crawl inside of something and never ever come out again.

This sums up my thoughts accurately, which is why I'm quoting all of it, including the cookie part. Because I like cookies.

My MIL had a really good idea -- ask my hometown psychiatrist (the only pdoc I've ever trusted and liked) if she'd be willing to do at least some appointments with me over Skype video. I see my therapist that way already. It could work if she's willing. I could come in to her office every few months if needed. It's the "every two to three weeks" drive there that kills me.

I left a message for the doc today. she should be calling me back in the morning. I really, REALLY hope she's willing to give it a try...

Keeping my fingers crossed for you...

So, I started seeing a therapist last week. I managed to find a a young guy, in practice for about 3 years who is 20 years from being Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Pretty much exactly what I was looking for - nice guy, sense of humor - young enough to be open minded about treatment options and what not. Also the building he's in is one of the Flat Iron style corner buildings in Wicker Park, with Art Deco embossed elevators that have a live human operator which is the best thing ever.

We've done two sessions and it's already been helpful. At the end of our session today he diagnosed me with Dysthymia, which is basically chronic mild depression. Something I kind of already knew, but it's good to hear it from a professional, and I'd never heard of the "medical" name before. If I'd read the symptoms I would have known right away that that is me in a nut shell. A major component of it is that people don't seek treatment because they consider it part of their personality - like being a sad panda is what makes me who I am or some such nonsense.

So I was happy to have a name for it, but we both had a good whack at the DSM and the "diagnose everything" culture. He seems to consider the DSM overly specific and thinks of psychotherapy as less medical with a handful of true mental diseases. Which I agree with up to a point. Anyway, we haven't really discussed what treatment entails or what we do with that information yet.

Wouldn't mind hearing about other people who've been similarly diagnosed.

"Like" for the helpfulness, not quite so much for the dysthymia. But seriously, clicking with a therapist is a godsend.

Yes it is, I cannot find a therapist here that I click with, I have seen several and have not been treated well by any of them. Which really sucks as I want to see one now and but dont want to make an appointment with yet another new one.

If you really believed that you would be better off being alone, would you open your heart in the first place? I don't think so. Loneliness can and will feed your depression if it's not something that you really desire. Thinking you'd be better off alone is not the same as actually being able to live with yourself while alone.

You could try the self help approach. The book I linked above is a good one.

Speaking of books anybody else have any recommendations?

Okay, let me start off by saying that this might not be the right thread. But I kind of need to vent and I'm not sure where else to put it. Right now it's hard to do that with my friends so you people are going to be the victims I guess :P.
I just feel a little overwhelmed by life right now. I can't get anything done, I'm procrastinating all of my school work and then some. Last year I started seeing a dietitian (Google translate says it's a real word) and I lost about 20 pounds up to this September, and then I kind of fell of the wagon. It was because I changed schools very abruptly. After two years of struggling to make a decision about where I wanted to go with my life (or at least the next five years or so) and an extremely stressful week I finally felt like I had chosen the right path in life or something less cliche like that. And I still feel like that I've finally found that thing I was looking for and I'm pretty happy with my place right now. But I still haven't been able to pick up the phone and make an appointment with my dietitian I was supposed to have made three months ago, and I've been to scared to weigh myself. I used to work out at least three times a week and it was a great way for me to get rid of some excessive energy, but I can't make myself go anymore. Which also means that I'm having trouble sleeping because instead of my usual active self I'm now just sitting around the house. Or sitting in the university library, but not actually working on anything. So now I can't sleep at night but I can't stay awake in the morning. I've been pushing myself to go to class anyway but I missed a couple last week which is making me feel even worse about myself. I just can't seem to deal with a lot of things right now for no apparent reason at all.
I've stopped brushing my teeth regularly for example (well, I've finally been able to pick it up a little bit these past few days, but I don't want to think about how long I stopped). I'm still taking relatively good care of myself besides that by the way, that's not what I mean. It's more an example of little things I can't get myself to do. To top it off I have this Big Essay due a week from now but I even though I've tried to start on it multiple times I'm not getting into it.
One thing that is not helping is my mother being on my case 24/7. Don't get me wrong, my mom is the best. All around me, including a lot of unfortunate people on this forum, I see people who have had to deal with impossible, horrible mothers, and I realize I'm superduper lucky to not be one of those people. But she doesn't get that she's making me feel so bad about myself everytime she asks when my next appointment with my dietitian is. And have I been to the gym this week yet? Also I should have gone to that one morning class because if you miss one, you'll miss them all and AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. I know she means well but we've been in this sort of situation before and it's really starting to piss my off that she's not getting the subtext of "I don't want to talk about that right now" of my one-word-responses.

I'm sorry this was so TL;DR and so off topic, but I really needed to get this off my chest. I'm hoping I'll be able to get my shit together in the two weeks off I'm getting. I'm planning one week to clean up my mess, catch up with school, and then one week of gaming and hanging out with my friends. I've done that before so I'll probably be able to, but right now I'm just super stressed and too tired to really do anything.

(also sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes, I can't do a spellcheck on it right now, so please ignore any dumb dumbs I'm having)

I don't know what size town/city you live in, but finding my guy was stunningly easy. I found him on http://www.psychologytoday.com/ and basically (embarrassingly) went mostly based on age/appearance and made sure his self-summary didn't contain any red flags. I knew I'd be fine when "Existential Therapy" was on his list of specialties.

Tried that and the closest they give me from that site is over 1 1/2 hours away, nothing at all locally. There is only one place locally that can get anyone in without a 6 month or so wait and everyone I have seen there has the same attitude like they just don't care about my issues, so trying there again just doesnt leave me hopeful.

As for the self help advice that was given earlier, just not going to try that, I am the last person that should be trying to help someone with depression, especially myself.

[redacted]

I know some therapists will do skype sessions. Maybe if you find somebody within the that 1 1/2 window and meet with them a few times you could do something like that. Are you medicated? A physician can prescribe medication if talk therapy is hard to come by.

Finally, are you looking for someone with a Dr. in front of their name? Many LCSW's (Licensed Clinical Social Workers) can be just as good. In fact, they account for a majority of therapists in general. I'm married to one.

EDIT: On a personal note, the tone of your monologue about this is exactly the tone of the conversation I had with myself when I talked myself out of going into therapy at all for the last 6 years. I know I lucked out finding somebody I really like, but I would settle for a lot less if it was that or no help at all.

To a certain extent - that circular negative feedback loop is the problem - you'll have to ignore it long enough to get what you need. Hold tough brother.

This is not constructive, neither for yourself nor for this discussion.

Apologies for that post, Ned. Just woke up at three-thirty in the morning after apparently passing out on the couch. Lesson: learned.

Have discovered that occasionally I just can't cope with my family.

I know this thread isn't for venting, but I would just like to state that hallucinations fucking suck. Especially tactile ones. I just took a sedative but it hasn't kicked in yet...

Honestly this thread should be for whatever people want it to be. No one should have to apologize for anything they feel they need to post here.

Well... you know the stereotype about schizophrenics thinking they're covered in bugs? Yeah. I feel like there are bugs crawling all over me. I can FEEL them. Can't see them, but they're all over me. (Yes, I know they're not really there. Doesn't get rid of the sensation though.) I've had other, not-bug ones too. The most memorable one involved leeches...

This is the dealing with depression thread. Emphasis on the dealing. It's to help people deal with their depression in a constructive fashion. I'm hesitant to judge people because I know just how seductive and how trapping it can be to indulge in self-pity, especially if you have an audience, but all the same it isn't helpful and it can be downright harmful.

Working through your problems is hard, that's why you have to work at them. If someone simply wants to post about how horrible they feel, well, there's nothing anyone can do with that, including the person posting it.

To be fair, sometimes just posting about one's problems is enough because it's like venting.
No one has to like it or even really pay it any mind, but it can be comforting to just let out what's bothering you. And I feel like instead of throwing it somewhere else on the forum or trying desperately to find somewhere to put it where you won't be criticized for feeling the way one does, it should be considered alright to post it here.

Going to be honest, recently I've been going through a bit lately and it's been made worse because I'm terrified of posting here. It's hard to be told "this doesn't fit here, don't post it" about something that may be genuinely bothering you and then have to evaluate whether or not your feelings are worthy enough to be posted in a specific thread catering to depression sufferers and the like.
For me, just typing out how I'm feeling is the first step to feeling better. If I don't get it out, it steadily gets worse. And yes, I could validly type it in a word document to myself and then eventually delete it, but it still feels like I'm keeping it inside, if that makes sense. In my case, it's more constructive to talk about how I'm feeling than consider whether it's reaaaaaally worth talking about, because when I consider, I start doubting how important my problem or issue is, and everything just starts spiraling.

I don't know, feel free to ignore my post or toss rotten veggies and fruit at it. Just giving my opinion on the situation. :T