Final Fantasy Tactics WITH DRAGONS! Let's play Bahamut Lagoon!

I love this game. I played this game. I am behind this LP 1000%. *watches*

And yes, name the dragon Bukkake.

A Lot Of Reunions and Flashbacks

((Guys my throat is in shambles and I can't stop coughing life is so beautiful~))

The Island of Tedd is a sweet sight for my tired eyes. It's been years already since I've left this small island and I've even come to miss it as if it were home. Sure, this place is no Kahna Castle, but it became our safe haven after everything we had was taken from us after that fateful battle.

Everyone briefly welcomes me back, but we don't have much time to talk.


Almost everyone mounts their own dragons, but Rush, Zora, Taicho and Sendak stay behind, while Matelite retreats into the little house. I'll go ahead and guess he's picking up some supplies, but I'll go talk with him soon enough.
First, though, the ones outside seem to have more urgent business with me - I'll speak with them to see what they want.

Zora comments that our dragons look "kinda cute" up close, and tells me she's worried that they look half-starved, giving me some grass with which to feed them. After she's done, she hops on Snark's back, ready to take off.

Rush probably only wants to brief me in our plan one last time, just to be sure.

Rush: You haven't forgotten our plan, have you?

I swear, these guys! I am the Captain of the Dragon Squad, I sure know what I'm doing.
I hear him out anyway.


We've waited several years for this already, I know what we have to do: we're taking back our Sky Fortress so we can have a strong base of operations, one created for war and with more mobility and control than the forgotten island of Tedd.

((I still think Bobb would be a better name, but oh well.))

Then I speak to Sendak, who looks really happy to see me back.
I guess he always had this fondness for me, he must see me as the grandson he never had.
But to be perfectly honest, his... er... demonstrations of affection can get really awkward.
He's a good person, though, and the wise High Summoner of Kahna, so as not to be disrespectful I just learned to not mind them much.


Sendak: By the way, do you remember the day you left?

I try to recall. I've been so busy lately that the memory became fuzzy and blurred to me. I ask him to remind me of how that day went.



Rush: You're the one who decided to do this, ! You were the one who said to revive Kahna's Dragon Squad.
Truce: So first we have to find all the dragons that escaped. Then we take back our ship, Kahna's flagship!
Bukkake: This time we'll take good care of them and raise them to be the most powerful attack dragons!
((You betcha, my pornographically-named friend! Raven/Salmando in particular will turn out to be invincible~ [there's a reason he's the Best Dragon]
Then they mount Raven and he takes off.))



Lukia: It'll be lonely without you...
((Chick totally digs me yo))
Zora: Take care...
((Zora then walks to Melodia...))
Zora: Melodia, aren't you going to say anything? 's leaving!
((... who jumps in protest.))
Sendak: I... I...

((Raven comes closer to and picks him up, and then flies~ to the end of the cliff.))




((By the way, the Sky Fortress gets called a ton of different things that made me really confused when I played this for the first time~
Why not stick with Sky Fortress, anyway? It's such a cool name.))

>> Next Update <<

I will be am a god amongst dragons! Mwuahahaha

What!? Do not presume that you can buy my services with mere grass!!

Pfft, if Snark won't have it, I'll take it. I'm starving. Don't think I've been fed since I ate those enemy troops back at Kahna

Can I assume grass lowers wisdom greatly and increases trippiness magic, greatly?

Nah; that's Weed. There's a difference?

I'm choosing to believe it is tobacco and now Raven is drifting through the sky blowing fancy smoke rings like Gandalf.

I love you guys.

Also, Grasses are elemental items, so this statement

Is totally true if I give Raven some Fire Grasses for lunch.

They also happen to increase your mind, too, or at least some of them, so we can assume we're feeding you guys some kind of trippy weed! :D

By the way

This assumption hurts my feelings.
You truly think that I'm such a heartless owner that I haven't fed you in such a long time?
I've sacrificed my porn mags for your sake! Now I'm left without any spanking material since we don't have any internet connection in this hellhole of a place, and you dare pronounce me as a bad owner?!
I-I thought what we had was more than this!
You were the only dragon that didn't escape after the war and I- I thought!
I! *sniff*
I CAN'T
*runs away crying*

It's okay. Later you'll get to lan-lan-lance it up regardless of how much pornographic material is available.

Wait. What do you mean we're out of porn!? We can't be out! One of our guys is named Bukkake for Christ's sakes!

But porn is expensive and Raven would completely starve if I hadn't fed him my last magazine!
I swear I'll buy our porn as soon as possible!

So you're saying we should make our own?

...And more importantly, does this pornography star dragons or humans? Should we be looking for Well-Oiled Wizard Wands XXX or Scaly Sorority Pillow Fights 2: Electric Boogalo? This is vital worldbuilding information here.

It features elderly females, of course. Of various species.

So Bukkake's Battleaxe Bukkake 7: Backdoor Bangin' then. To be honest, the series started to lose its luster around Bukkake's Battleaxe Bukkake 4: Breasts a-Bouncin'.

Small Transition Update In Which We Wonder How Everyone Fit Into Such A Small House

Now that Sendak is safe on Raven's back, I head to the little house.
Matelite's been there for a while now and I'm worried about what's going on with him. If I know him well enough, he's probably tearing at the thought that we are now closer to rescue Princess My Wife than we've ever been in all these years after the war.


As soon and I walk through the door, I see the Royal Knight staring at a chest. He seems to be a little teary eyed.

((Now, guys, do you see all these people in this shot?

Every single one of them, with the exception of Byuu/That Man and his 3 knights, have been living together in this island for the past several years.
This island that only has one little house. Which, in turn, has only one room, with one bed. Yeah.
Moving on!))


I can hear him saying to himself.
Noticing my arrival, he addresses me:

Matelite: ... You have memories of My Wife too, don't you?

I answer yes. How could I ever forget about My Wife...?

Matelite: With that lovely face of hers...
Matelite: Such nice memories...
Matelite: . I want to rescue her this very minute...

Having said that, he leaves the room.
((In a really odd manner, I must add. He keeps hugging the left wall and until he reaches the south wall, which he keeps hugging all the way through the door. It's weird, but Matelite's weird, so I just shrugged.))

I walk to the chest the Royal Guard was inspecting and open it.
((Because fuck privacy, this is an RPG.))


It's sealed tight. I try to open it anyway.



>> Next Update <<

Given the stat boosts from porn, I'm not sure that eating it is what I was supposed to do. And besides, I passed it back to Bukkake - he came and started staring at me with massive puppy eyes.

I guess we now know how Bukkake earned his name.

I-- So you lied to me.
Do you know how hard it was to survive this madness without my trusty Bukkake's Battleaxe Bukkake 3: Battleaxxxes Return?!
I'll go retrieve my magazine at once from Bukkake! Just hope that it isn't all sticky or else I will make you eat it.

More Flashbacks and An Ominous Church

((The last update was short because I wanted this flashback to fit neatly into one post.
The flashback begins with My Wife walking through the gates of Kahna Castle, with us walking right behind her.))



My Wife giggles.
My Wife: ...
My Wife: Hurry, this way!

Just as My Wife hops on Raven's back, Matelite's voice can be heard from behind the closed gates.

Matelite: My Wife! Stop!

The door suddenly opens to reveal the Royal Guard trying to reach us, but two men are blocking his way. I guess the Princess asked for their help.
I rush to join her, and Raven takes off.


((There are some nifty scenes of Raven flying around against a sky background, it's so precious. I really love this game's graphics, I tell ya. 16 bit = pure love.))

My Wife: Raven's really fast!

I beam with pride. The Princess's right, Raven is one of our fastest dragon-


That caught me off guard. I can feel my cheeks blushing already... I'm glad the Princess can't see my face right now.
But this question made me really happy. Actually, I feel like the happiest man on all of Orelus right now.

That Man: Sure!
I answer enthusiastically.

My Wife: Okay... I'll hold on really tight.
((Chick digs me yo.))

She wraps her arms around me tightly and rests her head on my back. I hope she can't hear my heart beating loudly in my chest.


Reaching beyond the sky... I wonder if there's a feeling to express that?



We finally reach our destination, the Church of Memories. It's a really beautiful place, even if a little ominous...
... Why do I feel chills run down my spine when I look at this building...? It's merely a church, after all.


I've always wondered that myself. It is an unusual name, after all.
I ask her the meaning of it.

My Wife: This church has a lovely legend.
My Wife: When two people who love each other come to this church...
My Wife: They will always be together, forever...
My Wife: Do you want to go in with me?

I hesitate for a few seconds before agreeing.


My Wife: Hey... .
My Wife: When we're a little older...
My Wife: When I feel the same way...
My Wife: If I ask you to come to the Church of Memories, will you?



I promise.



>> Next Update <<

That Church is going to be the final dungeon, isn't it? It's got 'Final Dungeon' written all over it.

Intermission: Porn Mags And Booze, A Lot Of Booze

Princess My Wife... I will save you from the Empire. Even if it's the last this I do.
Just wait for me a little longer. Please.

I went around the house collecting any supplies that might prove helpful to us during our next battle.
I check everywhere, from the wardrobes to the spear racks and the tables, and manage to find some things, like a...


Sweet! This will be useful!

Checking the wardrobe I found a...


... Erm...

The barrels! The barrels had some...


... I guess this will be useful, somehow?

I can see some kind of paper sticking out from under the mattress, so I check it out. It might by a Strategy Notebook, after all.


... ... ... ... ... ... This is sticky... ... ... ...

I hope I do any better outside...


What is this even?!


... ... ... Oh, for fuck's sake.

Fuck this. I gulp down a bottle of Gin.



((This post is here to illustrate how weird the name items can be. I'm not sure if this is the translator trolling us or if these weird names were also present in the Japanese version.
The good news is that Magic Gins are my best friends and that our porn stash is not sadly empty anymore.))

>> Next Update <<

I...I am so confused.

Exactly.

In Which We Fail To Romance The Old Man

I remember that I still have to name our new dragon.


((Little introduction here~ This guy's default name is Thunderh and just like the subtle name implies, his starting elemental affinity is Thunder. He's got the most Strength out of all dragons, and as such is perfectly suited for Matelite's party.))


(( Yelim is this you??))

There.
Taicho still looks nervous, though, so I ask him what's wrong.

Taicho: Matelite, does riding dragons really make you that happy? You are even crying!!

... Well, there's not much I can do about that, really. I'm not surprised that Taicho is so reluctant to ride a dragon, since Mahal (Taicho's home country), like most Lagoon Kingdoms of Orelus, lacked a dragon squad of its own.
He will get used to them eventually.

Now, let's get our Sky Fortress back!

We're taking off --


What?! No! Siiiigh. Breath in. Breath out.
When I regain a little self control, I tell Sendak that this is kind of awkward.


Sigh.

((Wow, that was encouraging.))

Siiiigh.


((We're presented with a complete view of Tedd Island and the dragons flying out of it. It's a pretty cool animation~))

We take off and prepare to face off our enemy.

>> Next Update <<

By the way

Oh I don't know trololol~
(I really don't)

Wait. Who the hell are these guys? Why are they giving their lives for us??

Also, goddammit, That Man, you broke Oyaji-san's heart.

Those are the Mini-Devils and they don't make any more sense later.

...Huh. Surprisingly kinky.

And wait, we CAN romance Sendak? Well shit man, why aren't we? Maybe That Man's got a secret octogenarian fetish he's too shy to admit to?

ALWAYS ROMANCE EVERYONE

I like Sendak, he's a pretty cool old guy. 'cept for his tendency to steal Bukkake's mags when no one's around, that ain't cool.

If we can lead on one summoner, we can lead on two summoners, Mari.

I'm a thunder dragon! Yes!
(But being a thunder dragon, wouldn't it be counter-intuitive to be hairy? Think of all the bad hair days!)

Though it does feel like we're the ones being led on here...

And your hair is in a constant state of spikyness because of the static, thus making you appear hedgehog-like.

Screwing Around in Our First Real Battle, and Pondering on the Excellence of a Javelin Throwing Meritocracy

Our dragons descend and we can finally take a look at our Sky Fortress.


((Pay no mind to the wonky background, please <3 This is the map we'll be fighting in.))


Since we left Tedd in a hurry, I was not able to tweak our formations or dragon assignments, so we're not in optimal conditions.
Still, I believe the next battle might end up being really easy now that Snark, Accompli and Yelim are back and since the enemy wasn't expecting us.


Matelite: We're gonna kick the crap out of them and take back Kahna's flagship!!


Javelin throwing competition?! This ship is one of the strongest in all of Orelus and this is how they choose its leader?
So, that guy is their leader, huh? If we manage to get rid of him, him men will probably retreat.
((We are going to kill each and everyone of them, though, because EXPERIENCE POINTS.))


Most of our team is too far away to directly attack our enemies, so I just tell them to advance and wait. Their dragons should be enough to weaken a party or two.


Just as I expected, two of our dragons attacked one enemy party, who is now weak enough for me to dispose of.
I approach it and we finish the job quickly with the help of Raven.


((The chance of your dragon showing up in a battle to help you out depends of its stats. The higher its Intimacy, the higher the chance it will help you.))

When the fight's over, Raven attacks one of the mage parties with Hellfire. It was really effective, since those are Ice Mages.


Next is the enemy's turn. Two of their soldier parties attack me and my knights, but again with Raven's help, we killed them.
All of us feel stronger after the second battle, somehow.

All the other units left, with the exception of the leader, target Raven. They managed to hurt him quite a lot, but he's still standing and can take a few more hits.

Their commander then throws a javelin at my and my party. His aim is good, he did claim he won his position in a javelin-throwing competition after all.
We're slightly injured, but nothing we can't handle. I'll ask Zora to heal us later.

But first, I tell Sendak and his wizards to cast a fire-spell at one of the ice mage parties, and I tell Matelite to use his Inspire at the same group, while their dragons choose to target a different unit. They do good damage, but not enough to kill the enemy party.


When they're done I ask Zora to heal me and my knights, and we're back at top shape.

I use my Flame Hit at the cluster of two enemy parties close by, which killed an entire party. Raven finishes what I started by killing the other party that was hit by my attack.

Now there's only the mages and the commander left.

>> Next Update <<

Wow, you weren't kidding when you said I was good. It's finally time for the resistance to fight back, and for me to char things to a crisp for my master <3

I'm not sure if this makes "power up your dragon by feeding it porn" more or less disturbing.

*thinks about it some more*

...still not sure.

Trust me, you haven't seen anything yet ;D
By chapter 15 you'll probably be invincible~

(I really love grinding and stat raising.)

It depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with your dragons.

... Don't look at me like that when Dragon Dildos are actually a thing that's real. (NSFW link)


(Just to be a spoilsports, I will say that I have stumbled upon a walkthrough that calls that stat "Personality." This discovery backs me up on that theory that the translator is a big troll.
Actually, it appears that "Personality" it a hidden stat. Huh.)

... I had to Google "Dragon Dildos" for that link, for your information.

My search history has the power to condemn my social life forever.
I hope I never piss Google off or anything of the sort.

We'll still accept you, even if you are a big dragon lover ;3

What a coincidence, we were talking about dragon dildos in another thread.

Hey~ Hey~ MariPanda What's my Intimicy with you~?