Discussion in 'January And Everything After' started by RSharp, Jul 1, 2012.
How patriarchical of you. ;)
Agreed. It was macho and stupid of me.
I don't agree that wanting someone to have better-than-you is macho/patriarchal so much as self-deprecating. People of every gender do it.
I was half-joking with RSharp, but I think it depends on the context and the presentation. Saying "I'd understand it if you wanted to be with someone else" is a lot better than "you have my permission to exit this relationship with me." Whether someone wants to stay in a relationship with you is their choice. You can break up with anyone yourself, but nobody needs your approval to break up with you.
Yeah. But I didn't say I would allow her to do so. I said I would NOT marry her. I would take away her choice in the matter.
So, if anyone wants to marry you the only acceptable option is to say yes, because otherwise you take their choice away ?
Anyway, it was a momentary lapse of reason and all that.
But it works - after all, under this condition it is unacceptable to ask for marriage, since it also takes choice away. Win-win ! No can ask, so no one needs to answer.
I will always be here
I will always look out from behind these eyes
It's only a lifetime
It's only a lifetime
It's only a lifetime
Best Pink Floyd album.
COME AT ME, HATERS.
Not gonna hate. It's pretty damn sweet.
I don't think it's about permissions, so much as it is that one might be concerned that their partner was only staying with them out of a sense of guilt or a memory of what once was. I disagree that it is patriarchal, or even condescending, as genders could easily be switched and it's less an attempt to be personally noble than it is an attempt to prevent the nobility of the other from making both of them (or one of them) unhappy.
Then again I haven't read the book so I don't really know the full situation other than the spoiler tag, but I'm picturing in my head something like an "Elaine staying with the stroke victim she was about to break up with" situation.
Actually, it's not like that at all. She loves him, and she says that he makes her VERY happy. In fact, the accident changed him for the better. I was absolutely thinking in the terms you said, though. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of guilt or memories of the past. BUT, it is probably presumptuous to assume that I could know another person's motives. I wasn't saying she had permission to break up with me. I was saying I would break up with her and save her the choice. But that assumes that she would necessarily not want to be with me under those conditions, and that assumption was flawed.
Anyway, it was just an interesting moment. It's funny because in so many ways I try really hard to make sure my relationship is balanced. Because I am older than she is, it would be easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking she always needs my help or advice or whatever. So I just wait until she asks me for it, rather than presuming. I think the power structure of a good relationship should be as even as possible (though interestingly, there are studies that suggest that this does not necessarily lead to long term success! I don't care; I'd rather fail as equal partners than succeed as unequals). And yet, every now and then I fall back into traditional gender roles and such. Maybe that's my southern upbringing!
This is reminding me of an article I read a while back (possibly in the Atlantic) about a prominent woman whose husband (a noted reporter) suffered either a stroke or a TBI and required constant skilled nursing care, and how she and her new husband (a mutual friend of the couple) set up their lives to keep him in the picture.
So for laughs, how to make your fiance freak the fuck out:
Have a blizzard take out the northeast the day before her wedding.
It's a fun weekend in my house! I think now only two or three people are still freaking out that pretty much half the wedding parties and guests have been informed by the weather to make other plans.
Just for laughs, pick the dead of winter to get married, and then have the wedding be in the northeast?
Snow is ~romantic~.
Seriously, that's a bummer, Kildorn.
still aren't getting out of showing me pictures though
YOU DID NOT REPORT BACK BY SEPTEMBER 27,
I fear the consequences that will arise from this now.
I SAID it was a bad time, but nooo.
Like my dad always said, it's bad luck to get married in a month with a vowel.
So not in March, then.
Oh noes! What are you going to do? Like me to death? :)
I haven't seen much of this person, lately. So there's really not much to report.
How many of your 1138 likes were from me, would you say?
You wouldn't! You monster!
Given his 627 posts, I'd put even odds on 627.
This is from a page earlier or so, but I've gotta ask:
mum, can you read my mind?
Seriously though, I have the anime/manga hobby and am...at a level, not comfortable with me having it, even though I know classmates who do and think them cooler for it. I agree with
Randissimo about the low-self esteem contributing to that. But my family has made fun of me for having this hobby, and though they sort of gave it up when they realized I was hooked/not giving it up, the feeling of being mocked for liking something still sort of stings. I get the feeling like my brother is ashamed of me, and since we're not living together right now, I guess it's not supposed to have much of an impact on me. I'm pretty sure it's not just low-self esteem that makes me think that, since he's been showing some pretty clear signs. So what I've done is I've tried to stay out of his way best as I can whenever he comes back home for the holidays, one word answers to his questions. I know that's pretty cowardly of me, but I just don't want to be hurt like an idiot anymore. I've even considered pretending I was an only child when I was talking about family with coworkers, but I'm horrible with lying and I always feel too guilty about doing it. And while I think he's a bit ashamed of me, I sort of feel the same way at his vocation...a bit embarrassed, or maybe just don't want to deal with the prodding from people/friends/coworkers. So I just make answer as vaguely as possible.
Whatever problems I've had with trusting my family with hobbies (they've always treated me proper/spoiled me rotten aside from this - yay for helicopter parenting) has also transfered to my ability to make friends and deepen friendships. I always think that people will ridicule me if they ever found out what I was into, and I feel like even my coworkers are judging me for my interest in gaming ("You know a lot about games, huh?" in a tone that seems sort of teasing). Again, may be self-esteem, and I act like it doesn't bother me, but...social anxiety and all that. The core of my insecurities with socializing comes all the way from elementary (the friends that split when we hit middle school and we entered that "I know you but we're not really friends" ground, and...maybe I never really moved on. /expecting to get a lot of flack from the posters who expected me to move on by now.
I always like pretending everything's okay. Everything's good. But it's not sometimes. And sometimes I can't bottle it up and it spills over and I end up saying some pretty personal things with my co-workers/people I don't even trust with that information and then later seriously regretting it and going "Oh, you idiot. You messed up again" (I can catch myself sometimes, if I'm not too down about what happened, but more than often, I don't even try to counter the negativity). Or I end up crying (I did one time.) I hate it when I get teary, especially in front of others. I don't want to trouble them with Not-Happy-Me. Because Not-Happy-Me is seriously a brat who's even worse at communicating feelings than regular me. And I feel like don't really have the right to cry because I've been so spoiled in my life and because part of it was/is my fault (a sizeable part).
Passive-agressive, not really good at communicating feelings me knows I'm not ready for a romantic relationship, so I'm staying away for now. At times, I feel like a doormat and angry bitch in one. I'd rather learn how to really be friends with someone. I do get the insecure feelings that
mum mentioned about wondering if your friends really like you and aren't just hanging out with you out of pity. I have to shake it off regularly, and go do something more productive with my time (like surfing on BF). My sleep deprivation and writing when I should be passed out is again tied to the feelings of loneliness and insecurity that I can't shake off. Who am I? What's my purpose in life? Am I doing what I really want to do? What do I even want to do, anyway?
tl;dr: I just read all 61 pages. Sleep deprivation has made me write about feelings. I will wake up later and decide what to do with this. Have a good day, folks.
It's late so I can't really go into a whole lot of detail tonight, but you can get past this.
If you don't mind my asking, what does your brother do?
Thanks, Ely :)
Ehhh, it's not like he's doing anything outrightly illegal. Grey area and all that. I don't really like talking about it because I don't know how to answer in a way that doesn't bring questions on, so I'll just side step that for now. It not anything harmful though, so no need to go too deep into it. But yeah, I almost don't like it when he comes back to visit. Doormat me gets happy initially, then immediately upset about the idea. "Why does he have to come back to visit? Can't he just...stay where he is?" It's not like I hate him, I'd just rather we live separate lives, since he clearly wants to do that anyways because of my inability to understand what he's going through and do things to cheer him up or stuff. I also don't like being mocked for getting worked up over a manga or a forum thread and actually shouting out random things. ( I know I sound crazy right now, and I am. A bit).
I hear about how other siblings get along great, share deepest secrets with each other, but that's not what we do in my household. We either suck it up or go cry in a corner somewhere and hope no one hears(me).
Another thing: I'm horrible with cheering people up or knowing what to do in situations that requre emotional understanding. When the mother of an acquantinace/almost friend of mine passed away, I stopped talking to her because I didn't know what to say without making it worse. I didn't want to seem like an idiot and make them feel even more horrible...and I know that was a stupid move now. And the relative of another friend passed away, I really didn't do much for her. She seemed okay with it, but I think from her view, we're not so close that she can trust me with that stuff. And she's the closest friend I have right now. From my view though, if my friend doesn't want to talk about it, we'll drop it. I'm just the kind of person where you have to be very clear/literal and upfront with me about what you want me to do. I've never progressed to being able to read emotional cues and knowing how to respond to things. Being sheltered like a baby in a cradle has its downsides - but that's an issue with me and my parents that I also won't get into because...parents are parents, and I should be/am mostly grateful for the ones I have. I know it's not easy to deal with me, and I appreciate that.
I've had issues with feeling good about who I am and I've tried going to see my college counsellor. I even told my parents about it, and they said "oh". I said it was for stress, but that's really not it at all, or that's only the tip of the iceberg; it was the only acceptable wording for this issue though. We only talk about being successful, working a stable job, making an income where we can feed ourselves, and that's smart, but that's not all that life is, right? My parents pressure me to be more outgoing, as if nagging me repeatedly will somehow make me realize the secret to getting along better with other people and controlling my own personal issues. I digress. Regarding counselling, I went once, got counselled by a student who clearly had to do this for class and asked to videotape me. I didn't want to say no/seem like a sad sack, so I signed the waiver and told said counsellor student that it was about stress (academic and job related) when it's actually not the whole story. Did a few breathing exercises, said the obligatory "Yes, that helped" and gave the counsellor a gold star and left. When I came back, my parents asked about it and I gave them the obligatory answer that "Yes, it helped and she taught me some breathing exercises and told me that I have to sleep better (duh)." And they nod their heads sagely and tell me "I told you so; remember when I mentioned breathing exercises/meditation?" Screw the breathing exercises! I'm not insulting it for anyone who it's worked for and I'll try it in the future but that's not what I'm looking for right now, I think. I'm looking for a way to forgive myself for all the horrible things I've done when I was a dumb kid and ruined people's lives. Or at least accept it without dragging myself into a more useless state.
I have this thing about sleeping. I stay up so late because I'm scared of falling asleep. It's this irrational fear that I don't know the cause of. Maybe I'm afraid of waking up to another empty morning where I don't have any goals/motivation or maybe I just never want the night to end because it's the time where everyone's alseep and no one will judge me (I must sound like a criminal right now). And in the morning, I don't want to get out of bed because I'm so god damned tired and I just wish I was still passed out and all I can think of during the day is passing out and being not awake and having to deal with problems. Horrible sleep --> More mistakes made in work/social life/etc. --->More stress --->Horrible sleep and the cycle repeats itself. It's so fucking sunny today and I hate it. I wish I could crawl back to bed and fall asleep but I can't.
I know this so well. My grandfather passed away around a year ago, and I couldn't be there for my parents as I just don't know how to react for fear of making it worse. I haven't had anyone closer to me pass away, so I don't know how I would respond emotionally in a situation like that - I suspect it may not affect me at all, but I really don't know. It makes it literally impossible for me to understand what people are going through, and what they would like me to do for them.
Have you considered talking to your parents about how you are actually feeling, or do you think that they would brush it off? Because it seems that they may not really be aware of any problems of that kind.
Truthfully, it's never crossed my mind as being a realistic option. They're the type of parents who compare me to an ex-friend (one of the ones I was referring to earlier) and tell me things like "B got this internship/B formed a club/B is travelling to _____ to work with this (insert amazing company). Why haven't you done any of that?" I've done a bit. A little bit, yes, compared to B, and I feel like I'm never going to be able to live up to their standards. I am a very prideful person at times, and this ongoing nagging about how B is better at this/that is wearing at me time and time again, so you see how this jealousy of B has come about. I didn't used to be jealous of B, but I am now. And it's not made better by the fact that B clearly thought they were better than me the few times we did meet a year ago or so. And me pouring on this thing will make it even worse in ze parents' eyes. I'm the imperfect one; the irresponsible one; the one that doesn't know how to grow up. That's enough labels for me, thanks. I'm pretty sure they suspect something (I mean, I did go out and seek help and there were other things over the years that...again, I won't go into), but we avoid talking about things like this because I can't handle it and maybe they can't handle it.
I just have the instincts telling me "Nononono, OtomeGamer. This is a bad idea. Don't even think about it." And while you guys might say "give it a chance, try it", I am honestly not at the level of emotional maturity to get through a conversation about this with them without breaking down. I know this for a fact. I bruise easily and cry easily when it comes to this with anyone, especially them. It's stupid to be this weak and I hate it but what can you do? If I'm lucky, I can lock myself away and give me time to calm down. As long as I go through life normally and find a steady job that pays well, I'm sure we never have to have this conversation. And I can go back to pretending that everything's okay.
tl;dr: Sometimes I wish I didn't have feelings myself, but could understand other people's feelings. I would get along with other people swimmingly and not have to show myself as not being normal. I would use my sociopathy for good, promise.
My fiancee, Sam, is back home in Tokyo for three months until April. I talked to her last weekend and she suggested that I go outside and talk to people (being unemployed for the past three months I have little motivation to leave the apartment). She knows that it's not good for my mental health if I stay indoors all the time and not talk to anyone.
Sam: "Go to a park and talk to strangers."
Me: "Yes, honey."
Sam: "But not girls! Don't talk to girls! Talk to older women!"
Me: "What about cougars? Like the ones in Yaletown?" (laughing)
Sam: "No cougars! The only women you're allowed to talk to are grandmothers!"
Me: "Yes, honey!" (laughing)
Happy Valentine's Day everyone! As I noted in another thread, I wrote my girlfriend a Shakespearean Sonnet (but no flowers or chocolate!). Oh, and I bought her a portable easel for her painting.
What are others doing? I want some ideas for next year!
My girlfriend bought me Reese's Pieces and a small box of little chocolates in heart shaped form, courtesy of the discount aisle at Walmart. I'll get her something from the Rideau Centre today. We won't actually do anything, with the excuse being that it's a mid-week night and there's no one to watch the little guy. In reality, we aren't doing anything because things are not going well on the home front these days. I have grown older, and she has grown colder, and nothing is very much fun anymore, so Valentine's Day tends to suck.
Do you feel one of your turns coming on?
Anyway, that's sadness. I won't actually see my girlfriend today, so we did Valentine's last weekend, really...and maybe a bit more this weekend. But we live 2 hours apart. You actually live with your gf, IIRC. So yeah...sympathies.
My boyfriend gave me a custom ROM hack of Harvest Moon, and I gave priority access to a brand-spanking new subscription to SA with all the perks. Oh, the nerdy things we do for love.
That is one of the most awesome gift exchanges I've heard of ever.
We don't do Valentine's Day. I don't begrudge anyone else, but I've never felt a need to do anything for it. Besides, my birthday was three days ago - not exactly fair of me to the royal treatment twice in one week, is it? :)
I want to draw the bf a little picture, but we had a...a talk last night and I feel uninspired.
I'll probably draw something anyway due to a nagging feeling of obligation (it's valentine's day and also he sent me things in advance), but my heart isn't in it, unfortunately.
Separate names with a comma.