Has anything of interest happened to you recently?

I dropped a cordless phone into the toilet once, but never a cellphone.

My brother has let one of his cellphones go through the laundry, though.

Why are you taking your cellphone into the toilet?!

Hey man sometimes your spouse is far away for a long period of time and you're talking for a while in the only spare time you or he has and you just can't hold it.

Or that.

Oh yeaaah, some people's phones can fit into pockets....

I am now a qualified Occupational First Aid Level 2 Attendant. If any of my finance/accounting co-workers manage to cut off a hand or foot while working, I know exactly what to do!

Call the ambulance had better be your answer.

Well that's first, but while you wait on the ambulance there's other stuff to do.

This made me look up my CPR and First Aid certs and I have until the end of next month to re-up. And the classes that are from "scratch" are $70-$100.

They don't have renewal classes listed! AUGH. Guess I'm making a phone call later.

WOAH FLASHBACK
Point to one person, "YOU, CALL 911 AND GET BACK TO ME."
Point to second person, "YOU, KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THE AMBULANCE."
Point to third person (if they exist; if not, this gets given to person 1), "YOU, HELP ME WITH THIS."

When I was a croupier, I once had to hold a man's head together until an ambulance arrived. He had been the victim of an assassination attempt via machete in the foyer of the casino. You never know what you might have to deal with.

Wrong! Have someone else call an ambulance while you make sure there is no head/neck/spine trauma, nothing obstructing the person's throat, their airway is clear, and they are breathing (no point treating a severed hand if their going to die from a lack of oxygen/other far more critical injury).

edit: also never use a tourniquet.

Holy fucking shit! Did he... did he make it?

Wow, that's not so bad. I believe my course was about $650 or so (employer paid for it, so huzzah!). The level 3 course is $800. WCB here lets you 'challenge' the course and let you go straight to the exam to re-cert, but realistically there's a bunch of stuff you forget so most people just re-take the whole course.

So basically you're saying you knew when to hold 'em.

The classes I need are really low-level response though. We aren't really taught how to deal with severed limbs. There's higher-level stuff for things like lifeguards, volunteer firefighters, and other "professional" first responders, but I don't know how much those classes are.

And yeah, my last certification was paid for by my employer. I just want to renew on my own because I don't trust enough people around me to not be morons and do something like try to move someone who might have a neck or spinal injury.

Unless you're in the amputation business...

Yep. basically he was a Chinese guy who owed a lot of money to the wrong Chinese people and had basically told them to go fuck themselves. He had got horribly into debt with the local Chinese moneylender totally not a gangster type person and was (according to some of the other Chinese people at the casino) in a lot of trouble. The kind of trouble where you disappeared and no-one ever saw you again. Then he got the daughter of the moneylender pregnant and so face demanded that our hero's debts would be covered and that he would be turned into a respectable son in law. Then he got into more debt with a different bunch of moneylenders and his new father-in-law had to pay those off. Then he did it again except this time he got someone else's daughter pregnant to top it off.

I was walking into work when the doors flew open behind me, five or six Chinese guys hacked him down with machetes then fled. The receptionist and I held him together until the ambulance arrived and he was in a pretty bad way, there was a lot of blood and he lost an eye. He survived the attack but was later found dismembered inside a meat freezer a few months after leaving hospital. I'd previously been a volunteer fireman so my experience at RTAs was helpful in not panicking at the sight of a seriously mangled human body and applying some basic first aid to someone who was that badly damaged.

YES, HELLO. I WOULD BUY THAT BIOGRAPHY.

Actually we should all just mass collaborate a BrokenForum one. Geez.

This is one of the most hardcore things I've ever read.

No I'm saying that he doubled down then split.

How much do I love my wife? So much that despite having quite a phobia about having my eyes touched, I just let her do an experimental eye makeup look on me. lol

If she puts makeup in your eyes, she might need another practice run or two. I don't think that's how it works.

When stuff's being applied to your eyelids, it feels like your eye is being poked. Freaks me out.

SACK UP BRUH

(No but really that's very nice of you. I don't mind my eyelids being touched, but eyeballs are a different story. I don't know how I ever got used to putting in contacts.)

I can't wear contacts for that very reason. I can't even watch people put them in.

I used to have this problem as well, but you get used to it pretty quickly. Still don't like contacts, though.

Once upon a time, my brother and I were ghouls for the local theme park's FRIGHT FEST. He let me do his make-up, and I randomly decided he needed some red eye-liner to make his eyes look more bloodshot (or something along those lines).

I instead accidentally made his eyes more bloodshot-looking by poking him in the eye. Not once. Not twice! But THREE TIMES. And bless him, he didn't blink in fear a single time. That is trust, my friends.

I'm okay with eyelid touching and stuff, but I blink like a maniac if someone else does my eyeliner (thus defeating the purpose) and I can't wear contacts at all. I'm even bad with taking eyedrops. This is most likely because I was stabbed in the eye with a pencil when I was 6, and now I close my eyes whenever anything approaches them. It's damn annoying when I have to go to the optometrist!

Edit: I swear I actually know how to write proper English.

I've never taken a pencil to the eye, but I am pretty similar otherwise to you with regards to my eyes. If my eyes are closed, do whatever you like, but the thought of anything going near my actual eye is just ... no, thank you. Which probably should've been a warning to my brother (as it means I never DO eyeliner :P).

May I direct you to Badass of the Week, specifically Anthony Omari's feature. He was machete'd in the face for defending orphans. And lived. And still lives, afaik.

I've worn contacts for a very long time, and generally don't have trouble getting stuff out of my eyes (read: eyelashes) if need be.

But that one test at the optometrist gets me every time. You know the one. With the puff of air. I'd give you the launch codes if you strapped me to one of those things.

They don't have to do that one anymore, if they have newer equipment.

There are however, two utterly horrible tests that I really hate. There is this one where they take what looks like a magic marker, and then press it up against your eye, and you have to not blink and wait for it to beep. Ugh, so annoying, and they always want to do it every time I visit. The other one is a weird suction cup thingy they put over your eye and then flood it with saline or something. Wow that one sucked, only had to do that one once, thankfully.

The worst of course, is when they drilled holes in my eye, with my eyes open, fully awake, with only topical anesthesia. That was also only a one time thing.

No. He fought off the attackers with the machete still in his face and then raised a bunch of money to renovate the orphanage.

AAAAHHHH WHY WOULD YOU SHARE THAT

I went from legally blind, and a poor candidate for laser surgery due to the sheer amount of scarring that would occur, to 20/10, with a healing time of two days.