Hatoful Boyfriend + The Search for Fat Bird's Good End

That's right, baby, the full English version of Hatoful Boyfriend is here and it only costs $5! I've been bouncing around waiting to do more pigeon dating all day!

Now I made myself a pair of promises when I finished up the demo for Hatoful Boyfriend. The first is that I absolutely would buy this motherfucker the moment it came out no matter what it cost. CHECK! The second was that I would not give away all the content for free in an LP, because I fully believe that the people who made this crazy, wonderful game deserve better. So I am only going to pursue the new character, Fat Bird's good end (assuming one exists) and possibly the answers arc (Hurtful Boyfriend.)

I strongly encourage anyone who enjoys my LPs of this game to throw the $5.35 to the bright, wonderful people who have given us so much entertainment with their crazy, lovable game.

And here's to hoping that Cloaca doesn't get killed by Fat Bird again.

 

I want to say something, anything about this sentence, but I cannot think what. So this is what you get instead.

Of course she will.

 

Well, here's the first major difference between the demo and the full game. I can't immediately choose to join the Infirmary team as a club activity. I hope this doesn't mean I have to unlock Fat Bird's route by romancing all the other pigeons first, or I'm gonna feel like an ass for starting this thread so soon.

 

Can you hear that? It's me squealing with delight.

 

Major difference #2! When I join Yuuya in the First Aid tent for the sports festival, we spy Fat Bird resting in the shade of a tree instead of just being told that he hates the sun.



I think he's just gauging their delicousness, Yuuya.

 

Oh my god this is really happening

 

So getting killed again.

 

It's Tanabata time, and since everything is translated this time, we can actually see what the birds I know are wishing for!



D'awwww... poor Ryouta.



I'll admit it, I am somewhat impressed that Yuuya's is not completely self-involved. However, it's still pretentious as hell.



THAT'S NOT WHAT THE PAPER IS FOR, NANAKI



AUGH! Even his wish is frightening. He probably dyed that paper with the blood of a student.

Naturally I wish to rule the world from the shadows for the Wisdom boost.

 

THERE ARE NO WORDS

ALL THE FEELINGS

 

During one of the many math classes I am making Cloaca-chan take, she suddenly objects to her studies because what she is learning will never be useful to her. Nanaki launches into a defense of learning useless knowledge, and as a fan of studying obscure and trivial things, I find myself suddenly feeling much fonder of Narcolepsy-sensei.



Shut up, Cloaca-chan. Math is awesome.

 

Hakuouki came out yesterday, Hatoful Boyfriend came out today, this has to be some kind of conspiracy to steal all my money and free time.

 

So Cloaca-chan decides to start her summer vacation with a long jog. It takes her past temples, shopping markets, post-apocalyptic hellscapes with crumbling skyscrapers, and finally



It's ok, Cloaca-chan. Getting lost and finding yourself at a beautiful old-fashioned Japanese estate happens to a lot of shoujo protagonists. You can't defy all the cliches.



Nice save! Instead of sitting down and wailing loudly, you went all self-reliant on us! Good job.

Too bad you picked an instinct that is much stronger in birds than it is people.

Anyway, the sun is setting and Cloaca-chan is worried about possibly having to sleep outside when suddenly



Holy shit, dudes. This guy, whoever he is, get the most epic music ever. Seriously, it's like piano and 15 electric guitars wailing away and then converted to midi.

Can I get him?

 

CORRECTION: CAN I GET HER? PLEASE?

 

I lost it when she appeared. THAT FACE. SO ADORBS, MY SUGAR LVLS ARE RISING!!
/ETA: I wonder how the showdown would be, with her vs Toudou

 

That pressure is more commonly known as "interspecies sapphic lust."

Anyway, Cloaca-chan explains that she ran all the way to the school and the most awesome sparrow ever is duly impressed, saying that's a 2 hour drive. Look, humans are made for endurance walking, but that's just crazy.



Hells yes. Ride that bird scooter. Finally Cloaca-chan works up the courage to ask the sparrow her name.



I don't think that you maintain that mansion behind you selling takoyaki, but sure, lie to me. Your fiance/controlling father/obsessive brother never have to find out about me. Never.



Uh oh, it sounds like Azami isn't making the best impression on Cloaca. But I bet she's just driving slow because she doesn't want this sweet encounter to ever end.



Or not. Sigh. Live dangerously with me, Azami!



Love is over.

 

Sure, maybe I could find a job at a drug store or a meat packing plant or some place that sells head-sized glass jars.



Or a cafe, I guess. A cafe with parakeets behind glass. That's kinda kinky.



Even more so if a parakeet runs the place.

 

Oh my god, it's Bird Cafe Paradiso. I MUST MOLEST ALL THE OLD MEN.



Hohohohohoho~

He asks if Cloaca can start the next day and she enthusiastically replies that she would be happy to.



Kinky old man.

 

That is one ugly mufucking pigeon.

 

bahahahaha

Am I the only one who noticed that they were foolish enough to rate this game G on the product page? That's just hilarious in all sorts of ways.

 

Ryouta, you're my best friend and I love you, but there's no place for you at old man sexy cafe. Surprisingly, Ryouta agrees and says he'll keep looking for a second job, so Cloaca relents and asks the cafe owner if he needs two people.



Nice cover, old man. Ryouta doesn't need to know the tawdriness of our relationship. He's too young and fragile.



Aw man, the game is actually going to make me choose. On one hand, I really do like Ryouta and feel sorry for the guy. On the other hand, Cafe Paradiso reference.

Get the fuck outta this cage, Ryouta, I got some old man molesting to do!



Goddamnit, Ryouta. I'm going to feel bad if you're all gracious about it.

 

DATE HER DATE HER DATE HER DATE HER

 

I'm actually kind of hoping it will be Fat Bird. It's been a while since I have seen him and I'm seriously starting to doubt my ability to get him on this playthrough.



We are both disappointed, but for different reasons.



Oh my. It actually is and old man molestation cafe.

I approve.

 

And for one brief, shining moment I thought that maybe the game had legitimately earned that yaoi tag it was on the download site. Instead, the old man introduces him as Rabu, a regular customer of the cafe.



Well now. With obsessive behavior like that, maybe that tag'll be earned after all.



Hey now, I know we haven't seen Fat Bird recently, but keep that kinda "dying happy" talk internal, Cloaca-chan. He is a ninja doctor, he could be lurking anywhere.

 

No it's not! We thrive best in small communities! Cloaca-chan, the birds are lying to you about your own base nature to keep mankind down.

Anyway, Cloaca is so caught up in her thoughts that she gets surrounded by a group of punkgeons. No really, that's what they are called.



DAMN GIRL, THAT'S RACIST!



Only 80% of the time? That's brutal. I am starting to understand why the Hawk Party was so concerned about the ability of humans to bond with birds.



Aw shit, they're getting poofy, it's totally on now.



Fuck yes you can, their bones are hollow and you have opposable thumbs. Show them your tool-using prowess, improvised weapon style!

 

Oh come on, game. This would have been a much more appropriate moment for a Tuxedo Mask entrance. One of the birds stands on a lamp-post, throws a rose as a distraction, and then I kick the shit out of the punkgeons.

Wait.

The only bird who'd throws roses as a distraction would be Yuuya.

Ehhh.....



DISREGARD THAT, COMMENCE SWOONING.



SWOONING UNINTERRUPTED.



She's so dreamy~



!!

 

Oh God so sad waaaaaaaah!

Also, whee!

 

A star-struck Cloaca-chan offers to treat Azami at the cafe one day as thanks.





Ok, there has got to be an Azami route. I'll be heartbroken if there isn't.

 

Time for the summer festival!



Oh goddamnit. Fat Bird isn't there. Neither is Azami. Not even the sexy old man. So I go with Ryouta and nothing new happens.

 

Presented without comment.

 

Uh oh. He better not be her ex-boyfriend.



He is totally her ex-boyfriend. And I bet I am going to end up helping them get back together instead of getting her myself. Not enough sadface in the world.



Well, he does like the sexy old man, Azami. I, on the other hand, am totally willing to give up the sexy old man for you.



I'd chide Cloaca-chan for standing up for her rival, but she just made him sound like a child molester so I'll let it slide. This time.



Wait... did she just run him over with her scooter?!

 

I guess I'm missing some context or something here, but I don't understand. Could somebody clue me in?

!
!!
!!!
YESSSSSSSSS

 

OH!



So he didn't just dump her. He abandoned his gang and all the people who looked up to him and needed his guidance so he could lead a straight, clean life. A straight, clean life where he spends all day, every day in an old man molestation cafe.

Girl, you don't need him.





Oh god, this is the "badboy househusband" thing all over again! Azami, you confuse me.



Cloaca-chan, sometimes you really are the perfect avatar.



Oh shit, son. That's cold.

Azami follows it up by accusing him of spending 6 months on nothing but tea and cake. As far as I can tell that much is true. He asks Azami to listen to him but she cuts him off.



BURN.

 

The amount of depth and variety to this game amazes me. Thanks again for doing this Angie.

 

Anyway, Azami continues are tirade against Rabu and finally Cloaca-chan decides to break into the conversation!



NOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T POINT OUT THE INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS EVIDENCE THAT SHE STILL HAS FEELINGS FOR HIM!

Let her bury those feelings so deep inside that they wither and die and are replaced by new feelings.

Cloaca-shaped feelings.



Cloaca-chan, I want you to understand the ramifications of your actions here. Azami and Rabu will get together. Azami will never see you as anything other than a little sister. You will fail to sufficiently bond with birds despite your empathy and understanding being crucial to untangling this tale of biker love and woe. And the entire human race will suffer for it.

Are you really willing to sacrifice your entire species to make Azami happy?



Oh Cloaca Mahoney. No one can doubt the depth and purity of your love, that you would give up so much to see Azami happy.



I am pretty sure you don't need to worry there, buddy. I don't see kids in your future, not biological ones anyway.



Wait. So the girl he like confesses that she likes him, so he disappears without saying a single word so he can go turn his life around and be a good father, doesn't contact her for half a year, and then immediately proposes.

Justifiable homocide, Azami. No jury would convict.



GODDAMNIT!

 

wait what


wait


THE CREDITS ARE PLAYING

 

NOOOOOOO

 

Ahaha, Yesssss. I am so happy you're playing this again!

 

FUCK SCOOTERS

RIDE A SONGBIRD

Oh god you really really really need to date Azami. Now. Who gives a damn about fatbird when you have Azami...!

 

YOU TELL 'EM, GIRLFRIEND



That's right! Just because Azami has abandoned us doesn't mean that we can't still somehow find a happy ending!



I don't know, girl. Shit's getting way meta now, yo.

 

Ristorante Paradiso is an anime that features a young woman working at a restaurant with a lot of very handsome older men and she falls for one of them. I guess he's sort of like...a reverse-cougar?