If Real Doctors Were Like This I Could Be One Too - Let's Attempt to Play Grey's Anatomy!

I know nothing about Grey's Anatomy except that it's a show about doctors. In a hospital.



And apparently features smug women looking at men while said men stare shyly into the camera.

I was drawn to this game because it is reportedly one of the worst games on Steam, almost worse than The War Z - and sadly, they were right. I'll get to the "gameplay" in a moment, but for now all you need to know is that this game only supports the 800x600 resolution. And it was released in 2009.



The Walking Dead you sure aren't, game.



How foreboding!



A laggy FMV starts, ending on this blurry picture of what I assume to be a hospital. Or a museum, I dunno.



"It is mostly about doing the dirty with every hot man this hospital throws at me."



That's not the love interest, is it? I want to go back to Mass Effect. I want to go back to Garrus.



This is the face I will see in my nightmares.

Protag-chan steps into the elevator next to Mr. Dream Guy Who Lacks A Name. Let's name him Herman.



Oh, Derek is fine too.



"You know, aside from your Calvin Klein modeling job."



Derek: ...Casino, Gone Fishin'...



OHGOD. Could it be...actual gameplay!?





I am going for the Flirtatious option. Maybe that will get me to wake up.



GREY'S ANATOMY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

Meredith's train of thought as Derek's speaking: His mouth keeps moving... but he's not saying anything about me. God, I don't even care about his stupid plans. How should I get Derek's attention back on me?

Oh my god. They made an Grey's Anatomy game. And it looks terrible.

Why did they make choices puzzles? It doesn't seem to add anything other than time and frustration.

I love that they're not even trying to hide it. "This is a game about doctors? Eh whatever. You have the hots for this guy, choose how to seduce him!"
I mean really, at least try to fake it...

Had to temporarily switch to Imageshack because Imgur was being naughty.



I finally managed to assemble the picture! It was difficult because the mouse sensitivity for this game is really really bad.



Does it involve Harry Potter?



I told you, Harry Potter.



Meredith-DIIIIIITH is truly flirtatious.
Truly truly truly flirtatious!



Slow down, game. I don't think I can handle all this gameplay!



I am an expert at moving love. Don't worry, game.



Truly this is the Dark Souls of medical sex simulators. It is that hard.



Grey's Anatomy: the game where people's lives and Derek's balls are in your hands.



If this gets any more titillating I might just have to prepare new pants.



If Grey's Anatomy is all we've got
Then what we got is shit
We're making out and I want you
I want you to know
There are patients on their way
Treat them or they will die
Then you get fired
For making Derek stay the night



Meredith is not pleased by my excellent James Blunt parody and looks away.





Meredith must have had traumatic sleepovers for Derek to talk about it like this.



Getting rid of Meredith's doubts about sleepovers is now our number one priority. Because first world problems.



So I bounce away the doubts until they're gone. If only it was this easy in real life.

I have absolutely no idea what is happening.
But this is still more engaging than My Boyfriend.
Thus, I shall continue reading this. -nom nom popcorn-

So this is basically turning into LIFE: The Game (no, not the fun boardgame version).

Meredith needs to pee! Fling the pee droplets to the toilet.

Ahahahahaha shit, I remember my mother watching this and me walking in on her asking "hey why are they making out in work hours?", only to have a shoe thrown at me. Good times.

Seriously though, this game looks terrible. Looking forward to see you suffer through it.

Says the creepy voiceover. Being a doctor is also about making out with the other hot doctors, apparently.



This is what I played a minigame for? I am so deeply disappointed.



Grey's Anatomy: The Case of the Hospital Hickies.



Woops, looks like you got caught.

Wait, is this woman voiced by April Stewart (who also played Cartman's/Stan's mom in South Park, the female human PCs in Guild Wars 1 and 2)? Oh my.



And that concludes the first scene. I am apparently a Chief of Surgery even though I did fuckall in these past few minutes.

This game needs a mini-game that allows you to jab other characters in the eyes till they can't see anymore. I think it'd improve it a lot.

I... uh. Well, okay.

I hope it wasn't too expensive.

Why-what-who-when-how?

Meredith: Fellowship?

Is she planning on cosplaying Legolas? I must know.




OH MY GOD THE DR. KERSASION?



I know, right?



But then Cristina sees this random guy pass, and I'm forced into a minigame against my will.



QUALITY!




Well, that was easy.

Anyway, Cristina bids farewell to her trusty girlfriend Meredith and goes after the man, presumably to make out with him.



SURGERY? They perform SURGERY here? OH HEAVENS.

Cristina offers to help. You go girl!

I'm scared to get sick ever again.

from a search it looks like this game was pulled off Steam in the middle of last year? It's hard to imagine Ubisoft being embarassed enough about anything to voluntarily remove it, so I wonder what happened...

You know how sometimes some pretentious git who doesn't read a particular genre of books and disdains it will go and try to write one to show how ~~facile~~ it is, and ends up with a horrible mishmash of clumsily executed cliches and reinventions of the genre-wheel and tropes that everyone else abandoned thirty years ago, producing a manuscript which no reader of that genre would ever actually voluntarily read, because the author was sneering at that whole class of fiction so much that they never bothered to read anything within the genre before trying to write it themselves?

This is like someone did that with dating games. But with an overlay of some media property. It's both boggling and sort of weirdly familiar in approach.

Everyone ready for some surgery? Of course you are.

So my first job is to spray gunk all over the patient.



Like that.

When I try to make an incision, blood sprays absolutely everywhere, so I have to clean it up.



Today's going to be a loooooooong day.

After that, Miss Cristina decides she finally wants to pressure the chief into giving her information about the Fellowship. You know what that means.



MINIGAME TIME!

In this minigame, I have to unfold the piece of paper with the chief's image on it. Because why not.



CRISTINA WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU ARE CUTTING A MAN OPEN DON'T WASTE TIME WITH IDLE CHAT.



Way to go, Not-Keith David.

MORE DOUBTS!



The game also informs me that I can bounce them off of each other, which I already knew.



Dammit, Cristina. If you ever give me an appendectomy I will jump out of the window.



Another minigame we did for nothing. Well, wasn't that productive?



Connect the dots? If real surgery was this easy, five-year olds could do it.

Because of the crappy controls, I seriously mess up, but manage to recover in time for the grand finale...



BANDAGE RUBBING.

HELL YEAH.



Don't tell me you want my body too.



Cristina, I seriously doubt that.



BURNNNNNNNNNNN

Meredith says something again:



She knows.

Scene 2 complete.

Those minigames about doubts and choices are hilarious XD

I know, right? It's like the studio handed the FMV sequences over to Ubisoft and Ubisoft was like "Uh, you know this needs to have gameplay, right?" Then they handed it over to a kid who only had five minutes to practice Flash before making the minigames.

And the choices only get more ridiculous as you go along. They don't even influence what happens in the least, making you play minigames for the littlest things.

This is merely staying fairly faithful to the original, for what's worth.

also,





OTP.

Gonna update later tonight. I think I'll leave it at the first act, but if there's any demand to see more of this trainwreck I might just continue after that.

I'd like more if only because it's incredible snark fodder, but if it's too much trouble then don't bother. There is always Quizilla for one's snarky needs.

I want to know what the ending to this game is like, personally.
I mean...
Just look at this. What is the climax going to be, exactly? How do you end a game that's copying an ongoing drama series?
I can't help but imagine them trying to mix the medical stuff and relationship stuff, so we end up with a "I need a date for prom but IF I GO THIS MAN WILL DIE" situation.

It really feels like I'm watching the show! And yeah, I would imagine you getting bad reports if you try to coerce your boss(?) into telling you prohibited info while you're supposed to be doing surgery. Focus, woman!

So I accidentally went and got a game over for one of the later puzzles (an annoying rhythm game that is so strict it should be banned) and the game over screens are just...wow. This happened during a perfectly normal conversation (for this game, anyway) and they make it sound like it's the worst thing in the world.



What the conversation was about? This George guy wanted to bang some chick named Lexie who was already in the process of getting banged by this other guy who wanted to keep it casual but then kissed her anyway.

Yeah.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEATH !

You really don't want to replay the entire scene.

Out of curiosity, I spent five bucks on Desperate Housewives: The Game.

God help us all.

Digging the new avatar. Please, let's play it :D

The avatar is awesome XD And yeah, LP Desperate Housewives too, you'll be known as the LPer of crappy games based on tv shows!

The only thing I know about Desperate Housewives is that Tony Plana had a role in it.



Tony Plana also played Manny.



So I'm basically going into this only knowing that the show had a minor character played by a guy who's Number 3 on my Sexy Voice Top 3. Right behind Brandon Keener and Steve Blum.

Well. the game fits the show, which isn't really about medicine at all!

The only good games about TV Shows so far are the CSI ones. And The Walking Dead.

I see. I watched all the episode of Desperate Housewives (yeah I liked the show, don't judge me) and he actually has a minor role in the last two season, so you won't see him in the game that is based only on the first season.

I wonder if in the game you can have an affair with the gardener:



I would play it too if it is the case XD

No Tony Plana? Oh well, I shall simply romance everyone I can get my hands on then.

This really isn't a face I would wish for my surgeon to make while operating.

(Also, the images are actually 16/9 even though the resolution is 800x600. They're stretched vertically as it is - a hallmark of good design.)

I just discovered there's also a Surgeon Simulator 2013 that looks ridiculously funny, too bad I don't think a LP of it with screenshot would work:

You should still do it because of your avatar. Because that would be fitting.

I named my son Adopted.

I have only just started and I am already the worst mother ever.

Oh well, at least this game is making me Desperate enough.

Gah, I hate it when you turn your hand a little too fast and whatever you're holding goes flying across the room like that!

Guys. Guys. Guys.

Jennifer Hale is the tutorial voice for Desperate Housewives: The Game.

FemShep is telling me all about the importance of gossip.