Internet Dating Thread

Oh that is just classic. The maitre d' looks like some fascist or communist bigwig giving a speech about how the pure races or else the proletariat would never splay their legs when drunk. The dude is taking notes on the speech.

hey online dating dudes

I'm about to lay another important fucking tip on you

are you ready for this

BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH

you can smell that over the internets?

I haven't dated in a while and I use Lavalife, but more to "window shop" than actually try to ask for a date. Last month, I got a message from a cute early 30s Japanese woman who lives in Vancouver. 99% any contacts by women tend to be scams as they're not local. She gave me her email address (which seems like a non-personal one since it starts with "liamelgoog", which is GoogleMail backwards) and we chatted a bit. I found it odd that it took her couple of days to respond though -- but I guess I'm too used getting near-immediate responses via instant messaging these days.

We had two "coffee dates" by walking and talking along the Seawall downtown Vancouver. We later had a dinner date which went pretty well. I was a bit miffed that every time I suggested a place to go for dinner she turned it down and we settled for a suggestion of hers (the food was actually quite good).

Now after the third date I asked her out to go see a movie in the theatre or watch a Blu-ray movie at my place (she has never seen Pixar's Ratatouille) but she said she would be busy the week and weekend. I'm fine with that, people have busy lives (I have a project deadline). Well, we arranged for a movie date this coming weekend.

She's nice and attractive. The only downside is that her English isn't that great so my humour is sometimes lost on her.

Hahaha, arise!

So there is probably a word for this in German. Spend some time chatting with a gal on OKC, seems to be pretty interesting:

- locally published poet (a plus)
- pretty cute in her photos that aren't Tough Chick Face
- similar tastes in art and music
- actually close to my age and DOESN'T look like she belongs on People of WalMart like most thirty something single women in KC DO
- has a young kid (normally an immediate disqualified but she's pretty cool so I make exception)

After some chatting for a week or two, eventually I get the idea that she's too attached to the romance of the starving artist ideal. Less the sixties' angry protest artist and more of the type that'd have fit in with Byron and his contemporaries. A bit too hipster even for me, which says a bit. So yesterday I politely give the "you seem like a great gal but I'm not really feeling a connection here" talk. She thinks that's a bit presumptuous, I think it's just being honest.

So this morning I'm up early and go out for breakfast at YJ's, the local hipster artist cafe.

Guess who's waiting tables?

Yeah, this is an interesting breakfast.

Did she recognize you?

Oh yes. Awkwardness was palpable.

Thankfully a five-piece jazz band showed up to break the tension.

I was tempted to tip the band.

I need to have a five-piece jazz band following me around all the time.

Dude, it's totally worth it. And they don't eat much.

And now you're engaged! Don't fuck this up.

Met...wow, this is weird.
So the first guy I ever "dated" (I use that term very loosely) started online. We met in Ragnarok Online 2 (shut up). That shit didn't end well. He was an incredibly emotionally abusive person that was insecure with himself, so if I ever hung out with friends, he automatically assumed they were all boys and I slept with all of them, which caused him to call me a slut/whore on a regular basis. Eugh.
Second guy I MET IN PERSON FIRST! :D A shame he turned out to be the most awkward and inappropriate person this side of the sun. to those that know the "pony" story, I'm talking about that guy. it didn't work out. Our "social classes were too different", in his words. Which basically translates into "hey so i bought you expensive gifts like three months after dating you and you didn't buy me expensive things back because you didn't have a job, even thought you told me not to get you anything" the only reason he even had a fucking job was because his dad gave him one. he dropped out of college because "it was too hard". fuck him fuck him fuck him
Current BF, met him through a Sonic RP that a friend begged me to join. man i don't even really like to rp, so us meeting was this weird twist of fate. seriously, if my friend hadn't asked me to join and his friend hadn't asked him to join, we wouldn't even know each other. life's funny like that. Anywho, been going out for almost eight months (jesus)

I wish some people would just be straight up about the fact that they're either no longer interested after three weeks of texting (but no meeting or talking), or that they found someone else.

Protip: Just bring the issue up bluntly and get a yes or no answer. Time to delete another one from my phone.

I'm sorry, Pogo. :<

Meh, I'm not. The whole thing wasn't ideal, and part of her description was "I'm lazy as fuck." Anyone who admits that is probably going to be very blase about moving past a texting relationship, and I would rather talk on the phone for 10 minutes than text for 10 fucking hours.

CHRIST
All of the fucking carpal tunnel, holy shit.

Internet Dating Thread of Sector 2814... RISE.

Now, maybe it's just me, but my mind came back around to this with the discussion of "text-speak"/shorthand in another thread, and about how you present yourself online. And I think I've gotten to the point where even just someone's username on a dating site can be an immediate disqualifier.

- anything containing "4U" = shitcanned. You're not here "for me", I'm not looking for a maid or a servant or a vassal, dammit. Show some goddamn self-respect.
- anything identifying them as "[So-and-so]'sMom" = BALEETED! Again, I'd like to date someone who has their own identity, not defining themselves as the property of someone else. Besides, if your kids are "your entire world" you don't have time to date. Just the way it is, sorry.
- the overbearing preponderance of women using Bible quotes ("Galatians3_24") or "[Noun]4Christ/4Him" as usernames = disqualified for being too stupid to live. If your profile says "looking for a godly man" - you are not going to find him on the internet. Unless you're willing to accept someone with the physique of a god, of course. (disclaimer: the god in question may be Ganesha, but hey...)
- anyone who puts their college alma mater or mascot in their username = moron, deleted. I don't use "StarbucksLatte2012" as a screenname even though it's where I bought my coffee, I reserve the right to think you're an idiot for using "RockChalkJayhawkKUFan" as your screenname because it's where you bought your degree.

Some days I just want to invent something to slap people in the face through the internet. "YOU SUCK! GO BACK IN YOUR HOLE! THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS NOT FOR YOU!"

Gyaaaaah.

I've never understood online dating sites.
I think it's because, in my world, you usually date someone that you've befriended first. If you go on a dating site, it feels a lot like you're skipping that initial "hey you seem cool what's up what'chu doin here what'chu like gurl" and hopping straight into "I AM INTERESTED IN DATING YOU". Scary. ;~;

I can see the negatives to dating a friend (you date, it ends terribly or you date and you break up, but it stays awkward), but at the same time, running up to a complete stranger online and introducing yourself with "LEZ DATE" seems daunting. Kudos to those of you that can do it.

The idea is to make that "hey you seem cool" phase more efficient. If you're like me, you might have a series of IF/THEN evaluations when determining a person's suitability for dating. What online dating allows you to do is weed out the irrelevant people and narrow your pool of possibles. It's not like running up to a stranger - by making a profile on a dating site, you're explicitly saying "Contact me if you would be interested in getting to know me", so everyone taking part is not likely to be offended just by being approached.

As an example - the last gal I corresponded positively with on OKC popped up in their "Quiver" feature, which is sort of an automated "These are people you might like!" matchmaker. The other two were a quick scan-and-delete due to various disqualifiers (one photo evoked a feeling of minor nausea, one was a single mother of four kids all under six years old), but L had a well-written profile that caught my interest, stood out from the faceless generic mass of humanity, and was quite attractive to boot. I sent a brief "Hi, saw your profile, blah blah small talk, I'd like to get to know you" contact email. She responded in kind, we emailed back and forth for a bit, traded phone numbers, had a couple decent conversations, and met for a lunch date. Seemed to get along just fine, but nothing developed out of it.

90% of the time, that's sort of how it goes. Sometimes you meet new friends. Sometimes you have crazy drama time. Sometimes you play a lottery ticket and hit the powerball jackpot first time out of the gate (damn you Omniscia , throwing off the probability curve for the rest of us!). It's just another method for finding people - not inherently better or worse than any other.

Well, I correct myself - it's much better than trolling furry conventions in a brony-van.

Yes, but what online dating also encourages is focusing on things that don't matter, and frankly I think your list of filters is a perfect example. Usernames? I don't think I even read usernames. Sure, maybe JayhawkFan21 is an idiot obsessed with her college years, but maybe she just wasted 30 minutes trying to come up with something cool that wasn't already taken and then said fuck it. Or maybe she likes watching college basketball and wants to filter out any asshole Duke fans. Putting "4U" in is probably code for herpes, but you don't really know that. Maybe she just looked at a bunch of other profiles and isn't very good at marketing herself, so she thought "4U" sounds flirty instead of rape fantasy-y.

Point being, most of the stuff that fills online dating profiles is irrelevant minutiae, the stuff you wouldn't even ask about in a face-to-face meeting. I'm probably lucky that my now-girlfriend didn't fill out more of her profile or I might never have contacted her. She's a lawyer, she's into indie rock, she reads the kinds of books English teachers love, she loves to travel and live in different places, and at the time she was just in town on a four-month contract. Those are all potential deal-breakers if I'm in a blacklisting mood, and none of them matter. What matters is: Is she smart? Is she easy to be around? Does she read at all? Does she make my heart beat faster? You can't tell any of that from a username.

Kids and god are red flags, though, if they're announced proudly. Those are things you bring up sheepishly after you already think the other person likes you, like "By the way, I hope this doesn't scare you off but I thought you should know, I have six toes on my left foot."

I prefer that people reveal if they have kids straightaway, though. Keeps me from wasting my time.

The thing about it, though, is that this stuff isn't minutiae. Everything tells you something, even if it's just "this person didn't have the inclination/ability to say something worthwhile here"

Disagree. I messaged quatoria for the first time after reading his incredibly well-written and charming profile, and it was full of things that DID matter (not Christian, no kids, definite geek, etc).

New reason to not use a dating site: I might run right into one of you guys there.

"Hey, so I use this forum. It's called Broken Forum, funnily enough..."
".....r-really?"
"Yeah, my username's MulMizu th-"
"FANCY MEETING YOU HERE"

I don't think Shadarr said that online dating profiles cannot contain useful information that does matter, he said it can encourage you to focus on things that don't - like people's usernames. Obviously those profiles do often have relevant information in them or nobody would use these services.

I liked internet dating because you can expand your pool of people that you meet without having to do something artificial. Most of my hobbies are male dominated, and since I was an out of state transplant, most of my friends were my co-workers, and I was in a male dominated industry. So yes, I could've taken a cooking class or something, but then I'd have done something I dislike solely to meet girls.

It's also nice in that if you break-up with a girl you internet dated, you're not going to see her around much =) Though that doesn't work past a certain length of dating, if you've integrated the person with your life at all.

EDIT: Hopefully the cooking class comment doesn't come off as sexist, it's more that reoccurring Match commercial has a cooking class as part of it's meet up thing, and that I don't have any interest in cooking.

Whereas I think that such things DO matter. For example, someone with the user name "MizzouFan4Life" right off the bat is saying that not only do they identify themselves as a fan of college athletics (which means we won't be very compatible as I will always hold them in some degree of contempt) but that it's the thing they are primarily putting out there as the very first item of information.

People who include obvious filler (trying to look erudite by citing Maslow's hierarchy of needs, saying "I like to have fun", "I like all kinds of music") are, in effect, leaving large blank areas in their profile which are a dead giveaway that this person is just a background NPC and not an actual individual worth talking to. Whereas someone who has something unique enough to stand out from the crowd - that's a person with actual dialogue options.

Haha, background NPC.

I confess I do automatically disqualify any women who write "I like to have fun!" because OBVIOUSLY, THATS PRETTY MUCH THE DEFINITION OF "FUN."

Right, reading profiles is absolutely pivotal and you can usually get a sense of someone from what they write and how they write. However, it also gives you the opportunity to filter too much based on what you think you want in a mate. Most people don't actually know what they want. When I was online dating I automatically rejected every woman with kids. Then I met someone in real life who had kids and we hit it off. She turned out to be crazy but the kids were fine. Conversely there was one woman who OKCupid said was a 99% match. We had no chemistry whatsoever.

The main problem I see with attaching any significance to usernames is that you are assuming it's a vital piece of information and the person who picked it may not. It's entirely likely they gave it no more than a passing thought, because finding a unique username was just an obstacle to accessing the site.

In which case you're rejecting someone because they didn't spend the requisite amount of time deliberating the perfect username. Unless you're deliberately focusing only on hardcore RPG nerds who will obsess for hours about the perfect name, you might want to reconsider what you're about.

And just what is wrong with that might I ask, hmm?

So really there is a middle ground then. Online dating allows you to filter for things that are really important to you (kids, marriage, religion, etc.) but you should be careful not to focus too much on things that ultimately don't really matter that much in a relationship. Like if I were online dating right now, my girlfriend would make it through the big filters (atheist who doesn't want kids) but not through some of the smaller ones (liking good music instead of generic radio rock). But we get along really really well and have amazing chemistry.

I guess the trick is knowing what really matters and what doesn't. Nute, do you really find me in contempt because I like to watch college football? Seems a bit extreme. Or does that only apply to women you might date? Surely people can have other qualities that counter the hobbies you don't particularly like.

Nothing at all. I don't know about you, but I start out all my first contacts with prospective mates by asking them to define THAC0 and recite the appropriate stats for a level 4 Elf according to the original red-box D&D rules.

Man, that goddamn rust monster. Seriously, did anyone ever pass that saving throw the first time around?

I disagree vehemently with the existence of collegiate athletics - it's the most corrupt part of an already corrupt system. It's like if I were a hardcore vegan, I wouldn't give the time of day to someone with the screen name of "BBQSteakLover". It means "You hold something very important to you that I find contemptible - one of us is going to have to compromise, it's not going to be me, and I don't feel like wasting time gambling that it's going to be you".

I know it's incredibly picky and specific and I've been told "Looking like you do, you can't afford to be picky" - but if my options are between the long-term project of improving myself until I do qualify to get the kind of woman I'm interested in or settling for someone whom I'm not attracted to but figure "You'll do" - I'll happily take the former.

Exactly. Filtering saves you the time and aggravation of going on dates with incompatible people, but filtering too fine could defeat the entire purpose of the whole endeavor. I bet if you took couples who have been happily married for decades, went back in time and made them fill out online dating profiles and showed them to each other, less than half would ever have met. Maybe even less than 25%. Online dating takes something biological and emotional and tries to turn it into something sterile and rational. If you're in a shitty mood you can find reasons to reject anyone, and looking at shitty profiles is a great way to get into a shitty mood.

Pshaw. Looks entirely aside - being too young to be of any use there, sorry - you have your pick of the world's witty, brilliant women, sir. Go forth and slay them with your...um...wit...charisma...something.

This post brought to you by Vicodin-brain. Anyway, you're awesome, go have at.

It's not entirely set aside - it's a legitimate comment and concern. Yes, at my age I'm not going to have the physique of a 23 year old American Apparel model. I might operate much more efficiently (they need six abs to do the work I can accomplish with only one) but there are few people out there who place "efficiency, reliability, and dependability" as prime attraction factors. However - the major issue isn't "you don't look like a male model" so much as "you could be so much better than you are right now", and that's absolutely valid. A 5 has no business expecting the attraction of a 9. The options are to change one's goals (which I won't do) or change myself (which I can).

Is now a good time to point out that the original red box only covered characters up to level 3?

Oh my god, somebody finally caught the embedded trick question.

Just my luck that it happens to be a guy. Who is married. FML.

(But y'know, if things don't work out with Sjofn in the long run...)

Take me now you great Nordic stallion.