Let's Answer: Quizilla Quizzes

Alternate Title: Why Ten Year Olds Should Be Denied Internet Access.
If you haven't heard of Quizilla, it's this place where preteen girls go to make quizzes answering such important questions as "How random can your life get" and "What is your inner artist (now with pics!)." Oh, and it also has some truly awful fan fic:

You know it's great because of that amazing use of punctuation! Did the author do that on purpose or was the original title so bad that the universe folded in on itself and could only express the title as a series of pained question marks? We'll never truly know. Anyway, just think of this as a place to mock these horrible, horrible quizzes. I'll go first.
There are so many quizzes to choose from, it's going to be so hard to find the perfect one for mockery...

Oh, wait. No it's not. As you can see by my AMAZING DRAWING SKILLS, I'm just gonna go ahead and go with Are you running away from the truth What Type of Unicorn are You.

Man, I didn't even know darkness was an element. And isn't ice pretty similar to water? Whatever, I'll just go with ice.
OK, imagen this: Someone taking the time to spell check something they post to the internet. Also, your question has a fundamental flaw: you assume that I like my friends and would leap to defend them from bullies rather than point and laugh. THE JOKES ON YOU, PERSON WITH BASIC HUMAN EMPATHY! Anyway, I just checked all of them. Why would the author use a checkbox for this anyway? Is one of the unicorns the magical pony of schizophrenia?

My fave color is "stopusingabbreviationsyouasshole." It's a pretty rare one, you only find it in German crayon boxes. Once again, I checked all of them. I just can't resist clicking.
If the creepiest thing you can think of for the dark unicorn route is "sitting in a dark place and thing," you need to get out more. For instance, making tender love to a hole cut into the Earth Mother would be creepy. Or perhaps organizing hobo blood sports. I'm just saying, this was a real missed opportunity.
The author decides to end it the way she began, with a typo and a completely inane question. Of course, I checked all of the boxes to show the author the foolishness of giving me that option. Let's see what I get!

All joking aside, that's actually a pretty rad unicorn. So this thing tells me I'm cool and easy to work with. To that I say I post lets plays of Quizilla on the internet and have gotten more joy out of insulting a most likely preteen girl over the internet than I have gotten all day. Clearly I am neither of these things. It also says that once my heart is set on something I become a whole other person, so it also failed to realize how lazy I am. I AM BEGINNING TO DOUBT THE ACCURACY OF THIS FIVE QUESTION UNICORN/PERSONALITY TEST.
Anyway, feel free to post any other quizzes you feel deserve it.

I love you.

I wish my pass-time was to "sit in a dark plase and thing..."

God this is beautiful.
Carry on, my wayward son.

I don't know, a five question quiz full of typos seems pretty legit to me.

When there's no one around and he can't find no girls, he digs a hole in the ground and starts shifting the world.

Creepy? Nah.

So a person with an element of ice is easy to work with? I've been lied to all my life!

This is Amazing. Please, carry on.

So here's one that I feel my masculinity has left me far more equipped to answer:

Ashclaw10 had no time for proper spacing for real warriors care not for such trivialities! I hope my warrior name is Thorolf Bonecrusher or Big Dick McGee. Onwards!

So I'm pretty sure that only one of these is a warrior's job. Leave the ordering to the generals, I am only here to kill.
Since "Bloodlust" wasn't a choice, I went with the second best answer. A true warrior is too busy soaking the world in viscera to settle down,
Why yes, my eyes are quite awesome. Thank you!

Uh, white I guess? My pelt would be white. Or perhaps this is asking what color the pelt of your latest kill is? In that case, the rabbit I accidentally ran over and gave a proper burial to BLOODTHIRSTY BOBCAT STALKING LAS VEGAS'S CHILDREN was grey.
What does "He's just a leader, not my time" even mean? Are you saying that your leader doesn't have any say over what you do with you time? Because in that case you are not much of a professional, are you? REAL WARRIORS DO THEIR 9-5 WITHOUT COMPLAINT AND ARE RESPONSIBLE.
Anyway, lets see my warrior name. c'mon big dick mcgee

Brindletail? How does this:

scream warrior? I feel like either I'm missing some vital piece of information in how warriors are named or preteen girls find brindle cows far more threatening than I.

Edit:

One of two dick jokes I've ever considered putting on my tombstone. The other one being "He may not have filled the hallway, but he fucked up the entrance." Ladies.

I recommend the Sorting Hat quiz~!
I used to like this.
And I never even read Harry Potter.
I'm only aware of the general plot and characters from fandom references and a few fanfics. If I'm understanding correctly, Harry's a bit of a Sue but still a very likeable boy and also dies but comes back and talks to snakes? And Hermione is the brainy one with muggle parents who has mildly tsundere tendencies and is reasonable and also Emma Watson? And Ron is a ginger and has lots of siblings and is poor and not really smart and gets with Hermione and it's super adorable? And Ginny is Ron's sister and Harry's girlfriend and that's about it? And Dumbledore is this old kooky badass guy who is gay and also dies? And James is Harry's dad and also kind of a dick? And Snape is Harry's teacher and was totally in love with his mom back when they were students but then he committed a major faux pas and made her hate him forever and also he and Harry's dad hated each other for a long time because they used to be lovers? And Jacob is Harry's godfather or something like that and he dates Sirius? And Draco is this gigantic douchebag whose father is evil and he doesn't entirely approve of his father's evilness but doesn't rebel against it either and is also super rich and a dick and incredibly tsundere towards Harry because of pent-up sexual tension?
... Yes? No? I should probably actually read the books some time.

Every quiz on Quizilla is *~amazing~* snark fodder.
In the wee small hours of my high school mornings before school, my friends and I woukd sneak past the internet blockade just to giggle at them.

Three bucks on me being a Slytherin. Also, if anyone else wants to mock one themselves, seriously, feel free. There is far too much garbage for but one man to cover.

Ice Unicorn? One of your parents were named Ashfrost?
...

Maybe there is something more to this than we had ever realized.

Quizilla was the first thing I actually did on the internet when I had access to a computer that was actually capable of running it. This actually explains so much about my life. Like the fact the first time I post on a forum it's about Quizilla.

Sorting hat time!

This author's terrible rhyme of find and mind has driven me out of mine.
If someone set a hat on my head and the fucker started reading my mind, my initial reaction would probably be something akin to go away. So...good going quiz.
I'd like to say my blood is pure, but the whiskey that is damn near constantly in my system says otherwise.
This doesn't include my true greatest joy: Making fun of morons on the internet while playing crusader kings II and watching the Fire Emblem Awakening trailer on a loop. Pass.

Hell, I already memorized three: Avada Kedavra, Crucio, Imperio. What else do I need?
Huh. This quiz knows how I would react to being in a wizarding dormitory weirdly well. Why learn anything about magic when I could continue not doing that?
I initially clicked the anti-christ, but I'm fairly sure it's trying to trick me into doing so so that the papal police can find me. NICE TRY POPE PALPATINE, NEXT TIME GIVE IT YOUR A-GAME.
Let's see what I am:

Y'know, that's probably fair. All things considered, this quiz wasn't that bad. Don't get me wrong, it was still pointless and its very existence enrages me, but it had few grammatical errors at least. I blame Donmai for recommending it.

I have visited Quizilla and took a quiz for the first time in years. Failure Hero, what have you done?

As someone afflicted with terminal Fabulous, I am compelled to take the makeup quiz. I don't even wear makeup; I just smear the blood of my village's latest virgin sacrifice in my name across my face before going out.

Eyeshadow? Obviously purple. Make it look like you're punched in both eyes on a daily basis and it's a non-event and potential enemies will flee before your garishly violet eyes.
Lipstic? Orange. How else will commoners be able to understand that everything issued from my lips is of the utmost importance? Orange is the "fucking listen up, philistines" of lip varnish colors.
Lashes? They must be large, and I must be able to detach them in order to flee from preditors. Or alternatively, get in close to my own prey and blink them to death.

Do not doubt my gothic street cred. Caking on several pounds of foundation and eyeliner is the goth equivalent of a prison tattoo and a requirement at any Cradle of Filth concert.

Yes. Yes I do.

Whoopsie were we supposed to recommend entertaining quizzes instead of cool ones
In that case In Love With a Vampire, Demon, and Angel seems pretty quality.

"You lifted your head up to see Haden's face. "You can't leave, you have to stay with us" he said. "But what about my family? They would be worried about me" you said. "Don't worry, you're safe here with us, as long as you don't try to run away, everything

• Horror movie, ooh yeah!
• Love movie, especially all the love moments in it
• Action Movie, i like all the action"

Wait, fuck. Donmai, I think I remember reading that one. You're living with a bunch of supernatural dudes for no particular reason, right?

I especially love the parts where the sentences are cut off~

Holy shit, I just realized that Quizilla is basically a potential gateway drug to dating games.

If only we could introduce these sacrifices to a greater cause potential customers to visual novels. We'd be up to our eyeballs in VNs in no time.

So who's ready for my lack of a love life to be analyzed by a twelve year old? I know I'm not.

Out of 6 options, 3 have to do with dating and one has to do with obsessing over some dude/girl. Is Quizilla just a breeding ground for lonely, crazy preteens or are most of the people on here 40 year olds acting like what they imagine imagen preteens to be? Because it could go either way at this point.

Single and apathetic.
Well, not entirely alone. I do have my left hand, after all.
Oh man, my left hand is gonna be so jealous if my right hand writes me a note. We may have a weirdly literal fist fight on our hands this Valentine's day!
Valentines Day was invented by Hallmark to get us all to flash our junk in the parking lots of grocery stores on the same day. True fact.

If you give me the choice of saving the love of my life or my leg, I will choose my leg every time.
Does anyone truly know where they'll be in five years? Judging by this quiz, I doubt the author know that she'll be in the bushes outside someone's house "obsessively shadowing" them in the name of love, but alas, time has ways of making fools of us all.
Y'know, that was a surprisingly small amount of psychoanalysis for a preteen girl making a quiz about Valentine's day. Maybe she's not so-

Oh, thanks. I almost thought you had some redeeming qualities for a second there. Thanks for letting me know that my apathy towards Valentine's Day is hurting me. I forgot how painful not feeling one way or the other is. And fuck you, I will sit indoors and eat chocolate if I want to. Because this is America.

How can anyone be depressed about Valentine's Day when that picture exists?
Edit:
Clearly Eboby has the best taste in makeup. What is it for if not intimidating potential threats?
How about you cover that one, Donmai. My ability to tolerate these requires more alcohol. I WILL BE BACK IN A BIT.

I think we all like to look at birds on Valentine's day in this forum.

Oh my malevolent pagan gods, the person who made Donmai's QUALITY RECOMMENDATION is making quizzes based off of her own fan fic. That has to be some new form of low.

I have a confession.


I was one said pre-teen girl who loved quizilla many years ago.

So, using this quiz, I will answer a question I know everyone has gone practically crazy trying to find an answer to.
So without further ado:


Golly gee, who could I be?!

My cap is red...and I don't have eyes...

How did you know that my favorite color was BROKEN GLASS. <3

I never leave home without my monocle and I can cause people to hallucinate. Elegant and weird will do as descriptors.
Oh, and sorry about the screenshot. It got mysteriously cut off at the bottom. >_< Oh well.
Maybe I should have checked off mysterious too?

I'm a mushroom, so living things are a bit difficult for me.
Fairies and I tend to get along well.
So let's see what I would look like...

What?! Her hair is orange.
I am so angry where are my matches.

Shish-Kebab, Rot?

Well the 'love fire' part was right at least.

Broken glass is the best color.

It's okay, we've all done something we're ashamed of. For instance, while searching for awful quizzes the only way I know how (typing twilight into the search bar), I found this:

To my eternal shame, I read each run on paragraph that comprises this punctuation death camp.

Is that.

A badly painted over with paint picture of Orihime.

I'll show you shush-kebab!
I mean, I'm a really cool and chill person and your taunts will mean nothing to me when I burn you.

I like taking quizzes! Quizilla and Blogthings though. Haha, oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Bit unsure about where this thread is going and where it is but what the shitballs, let's do this one time thing.


This one looks good. I think I found a winrar with this one. Let's tango~!


My intent is survival you silly thing, and of all the options besides the sensible last I can only see one other being helpful in these chances. Ain't nobody got time for the rest of those, not unless they be wishing for death.


I'm not actually supposed to be here? And this doesn't really have anything to do with Middle Earth, you broke the fourth wall and detracted from the overall purpose of this quiz; how am I ever going to learn what defect I possess and who I am most like if this doesn't even address the important things like morality and character traits and whether I know what second breakfast is?!!


dafuq is this question relative to anything. You didn't even try, quiz! Well.
Tempting as those first three are, I like a night in with me and my food because I don't share ice cream.


I hereby claim that last option, for the glory of Fatbird and all of BrokenForumia!


Wow, this is not what I meant when I was talking about questioning my moral issues.
Well then. Hitting that 2nd2last because I am suitably lazy enough that it would make sense.


YER A WIZARD, SOLI.

So many memories. Of course I'm pretty sure every quiz I took told me I was a sociopath and/or anti-social. Or that I was purple.

Does anyone remember when there used to be a ton of angel/vampire/dog-guydemon quizzes? That was what I read when I used to frequent Quizilla (back when the icon was a lizardpencil).

I remember. I also remember the crazy "SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN" and spin offs that were like, sixty minutes in heaven and etc.

And "Spin the Bottle" ones. Oh lord.

Attention citizens:
There is a "womanlikechild" tag and it appears in the most popular tags list. That is all.

Wat.

I can't say where it is, but I can say where I'm about to take it:

Hell.
So aside from the spelling errors, the character insert that looks disturbingly similar to the character she'll most likely be banging, and my general hatred for Inuyasha, this story also includes the term "figer" quite frequently, which I'm convinced is some new-fangled racist slur I haven't heard before. And that's just the author's note!



I thought 3rd graders would have a decent grasp of grammar and verb tense but OH WELL. Anyway, what the fuck is even happening here? I don't even have a snarky comment.


And there's figer again! Screw you, you're a figer! Also, leave fourth wall breaking to the professionals, you just sound like a weaboo My Immortal when you do it.
I still don't have anything to say about this (other than a;sjvnfk'laesfhnuaew;lsnfkc aoewsklfnc), but if I had to read this crap than I'm sure as hell inflicting it on the rest of you.
In case anyone thought "Well, at least there isn't any incest or perversion," this is only the first one in the "Twilight: The demon princess and her memmorise of Sesshomaru" series

How else was You suppose to work up the nerve to lime with insert character here? It's hard to have a conversation when your parents where so cruel to name you You. Or they were Japanese and just spell really weird.

HEY GUYS, TURNS OUT THE NEXT PARTS OF THAT FIC ARE QUIZZES

RIVETING. TRULY CHICHIRILOVER256 IS A MODERN DAY HEMINGWAY.

FINE, DON'T EVEN GIVE ME THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE. NOT LIKE THIS IS A QUIZ OR ANYTHING.
I NEED SOMETHING TO CALM ME DOWN
(can't embed for whatever reason)
that's better. everything is fine.

When _____ was all up in my bishie of choice I sure got jealous in those vaguely descriptive lemons. Or was that just me.

This is so tragically sad. I mean I thought the terrible fanfics clogging up ff.net were bad (seriously why are we having sleep overs with karaoke when those haven't even been invented yet?) but these are terrible.