Let's get brutally murdered by B-movie aliens in XCOM: Enemy Unknown!

It was painfully clear as Wellington swaggered down off the ship, that he was fully prepared to corner the first unfortunate bystander in his path and boast at length about about his integral role in the mission-despite not having done much of anything-until the listener would be left with no choice but to feign a sudden, deadly heart attack until he got bored and wandered away towards the next object with ears.

This did not happen.

Instead, several things happened at once. A blurry, sobbing, object one might hesitantly label Landis came barreling towards the Skyranger. Wellington turned and took in a large breath. Watasuki continued to thank higher powers for the noise-cancelling effects of headphones, or he would have been left with no other alternative than to strangle Wellington on the ride back to base.

At that moment, an unstoppable force collided with an unshameable object, and Wellington found his breath forced out of him in an embarrassing squeak as he was accosted by a flurry of good intention.


Wellington stiffened slightly as Landis checked him over, but made no attempt at resisting her. He remained standing there, a slightly shocked expression frozen on his face.

Some time later, he turned suddenly with a bob of his mustache. "I think I could use a drink, yes." he announced to empty air and toddled off towards the nearest booze dispensary.

((There was a time in this LP when Landis and Enjolras got along)).

I will have water from the bar, thank you mlle. Logan. We must keep our brains in the sharpest of conditions so we may be prepared for any fight against the enemy.

((He allows Landis to fondle and kiss him, though.))

(Dayumn, look at that. My hair looks disturbingly orderly, but I guess that comes with being MOTHERFUCKING SARGEANT ANGEL. I'll go with Sprinter and Field Medic for now, does that sound okay?)

Kaneda runs a hand through her hair, annoyed at the bunch she ended up with. Why would Simón send her with them? Was that any meaning in abandoning the favela barricades, the little kids, the Bolivarian dream in her genes? Not that it matters now.

With a click of her tongue, she reaches towards her backpack and pulls out some whiskey.

"I figure we might as well try to get along. Does anyone care for a drink?"

Woman after my own heart. Enjolras might be having water, but I most certainly am not. Welcome. Pass the bottles, don't step on the frogs and guard your ass if they're letting me shoot, and we should have a long, healthy life ahead of us. Name's Grantaire, incidently. So, when are you from?

Oh, and water for Grantaire, too. As his noble leader I'm authorized to override him.

A mustache attached to a man qucikly materializes.

"A drink would be..that is to say..in a word..Yes."

Wellington gives Grantaire an akward side-glance. After a moment he gives the other man a stiff nod.

"Frenchman. I..You shot well."

He stands there for a few seconds.

"Today."

....
*grunt*
.....
*sigh*
........ water for me it is.

"You could say that my ideals are from the eighteenth century, if that is what you mean with 'when'" she says, while effortlessly opening the bottle and taking a swig. "Hopefully you won't mind my manners? I've been stuck on a favela for far too long to care for glasses, I guess."

Kaneda offers the bottle to the strangely fluffly mustache attached to a man, who accepts it with glee. "You sure you don't want some?" she looks at Grintaire with a frown, "it's a special malt whiskey made by some friends of mine back in Brazil. It would be a shame to not have a sip or two."

Considering you should get along swimmingly with Enjolras, in that case, you could try to appeal to him directly to make him stop torturing me. Water's all right if you're a fish, but sacristi it's best viewed from the bottom of a beer glass. Do you hear that, fearless leader? Now I'm sobering up and my accent is slipping. I'll be eating the frogs next. God only knows what I'm like sober considering what happened last time...
*grumble-grumble-grouse-grumble*

fucknarration
Enjolras, huh. Well, he does look pretty sane. At least in comparison with the lady over there sitting on top of that banana peel mountain, that other lady over there with the twitchy eye or the moustached man that is alternating between licking a frog's back and drinking my malt whisky.

*sigh*

Would you, perhaps, like to put me up to date?

"I still wants stronger weapons to kill things. I want to kill everything, now. But if you learning biology helps with that, I'm ok with that too."

"Bring you and your mustache to the infirmary bar with us. We'll drink to you still being alive."

"Oh c'mon. You couldn't at least have a Shirley Temple you spoilsport? It's virgin, like you."

"We're all headed to the sort-of bar. Bring it along, share if you like, try ours, the more the merier. Nice to meet you, by the way."

Landis stops midstride and bares her teeth like an animal.

"YOU were an idiot out there. YOU rushed into danger and almost got hit! YOU have proven on multiple occations YOU are not fit to lead! And YOU are not our superior here! Grantaire earned his drink! He saved a man's life and earned a promotion! I will not let you bully him here! Do you understand? I'm THIS close to punishing YOU as it is for putting yourself and everyone else in danger, you little life-wasting, big-mouth wretch!"

Ribbit!

"Even my frog knows better than you!"

She points to Angel, "Not to mention it is rude to refuse refreshment in many South American cultures. Are you going to ruin our relationship with the new recruit by trying to force Grantaire to commit an act fo hostility?"

Now that one was a stretch, but if Kaneda doesn't actively refute it, she's going with it.

Uh...
Well, this is awkward.
Enjolras is an assault trooper, Toni, you can hardly expect him to not assault. He's just better at following his job designation than I am at mine, 's all. I know you're worried, but we made it, right? And, anyway... I do as he says because I want to, not because he forces me to. I know you mean it well, but... it's really not a problem. He's right, anyway... I just like complaining. Promise. And I'm not South American anyway, I'm French (despite what the person putting flags on these seems to think) and it's all well and fine with a bit of teasing in France. It also means I'm not expected to know, let alone care about other people's customs.
Anyway, you wanted an update, Miss?
That over there is Mrs. Banana. She's apparently a metamorph fruit goddess. We try not to ask to many questions. Sometimes her face changes.
That over yonder is a dapper gentlemanly moustache and a fine soldier. And Reginald is the guy wearing the moustache. He didn't die today and he thinks frogs are the enemy. Zoological frogs, not us.
This bristling beauty is Antonia Landis, who is so brimming with pent up concerns for myself and my compatriot she cannot contain her emotions, which is really rather touching when you consider it. Fine shot, too.
The bartender and may I say marvelous at it at that, lady is Miss Dee. I understand she's got experience fighting zombies. I'm not sure how those ok, but I don't want to know.
Over yonder smoking is Wakata-wee-something. Used to be a doctor at a school with a name equally impossible to cough out. Great drinker.
And this is myself and my fearless leader, Enjolras. We fought in the June Rebellion of 1832. Didn't work out so good.

(At this stage we should all thank Enjolras for the fact Grantaire was sober enough to even consider the bother of speaking that much XD)

"He's just doing it to be difficult, it makes me mad! If you're not drinking, neither am I. And that means, I'M GOING TO STAY IN THIS STATE OF EMOTION AND IRRITATION UNTIL I DO. ENOJY, EVERYONE."

"..!" Toni is momentarily so caught off guard by the genuine compliments she's stunned to silence with a guilty look on her face. She literally has no idea what to do, not even aware the kindness has left an ever-so-slight coloration on her pale cheeks. Soak up the pause while you can comrades, when she recovers, it's probably going to be all Landis Vs. Tsunjolras yelling for the next few hours.

Wellington raises a hand, hesitates, and then lowers it.

Erm. Right. WELL! Introductions then. That's Landis, don't make her mad. You've met the Frenchmen, but there may be more of them about. There seems to be more of them everytime I turn around. Watch out for the lady who thinks she's a magical banana. And mind the frogs. And make sure you always check what the medical staff has you on, they sometimes get overzealous with the steroids. Our commander is easily recognised by his GLORIOUS mustache! But who am I, surely you jest? Why, I am the GLORIOUS REGINALD WELLINGTON, KILLER OF ALIENS! It would by no means a stretch to say that without me, this whole operation would be dead in the water! Now if you'll excuse me, I must finish licking this frog. Our commander, among many other things, is a great scientist and assures me the secretions on the back of this amphibian shall refine my senses even further.

Cry havoc, and release the tounges of WAR!

Enjolras blissfully sips his water, tuning out Landis to the sound of the music in his head.

Will you give all you can give so that our banner may advance?
Some will fall and some will live-- will you stand up and take your chance?
The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France!

Y-you are all nuts, ain't you.

Why am I digging it? I'm supposed to be a Bolivarian!

...but, but the hallucinogen frogs and the

A revolutionary!

magical metamorphing bananas and

A libertator!

tsunderes are pretty cool too and I

A medic of excellence!

I'd stare at that moustache all day

So why am I even stuck here?

because you secretly love frenchmen

*sulks*

Now you, mlle, seem to have ideals that line with my own. (Side-eyes Landis) as opposed to some other young women around here.

((Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen XD))

22 March 2015

On my advice, Wellington has taken to licking frogs. I am keen to see if he develops frog based superpowers as a result. I have already commissioned a superhero outfit in the event of that eventuality.

((As DK said, we're on normal difficulty. That said, we've been strangely lucky with the missions so far, especially the last one where I was genuinely surprised to see only 4 sectoids. That said, the stronger aliens should be appearing soon. Trust me, we'll all be wishing for the days of easy missions once we start encountering the aliens with 20 HP who can one hit kill you or the ones that can AOE attack multiple times per turn >=D))

22 March 2015

I spoke with Grantaire today. He claims to have revolutionized sniping by eliminating the need to aim. I do not know whether the we or the aliens should be more afraid.

"Y-You didn't expect them to send sane, well-adjusted, intelligent individuals suicidally after unknown, hostile, alien life forms, did you? Because THAT would be insane."

They are sort of a collection of skillful rejects, aren't they?

"That's not even funny. I can't even..." Heart = broken. No one shots. God please.

Aaron flips his hair back, smiling in a jaggedly creepy way.

I don't know what you're taking about. Other than my extreme competence, I'm perfectly normal, aside from being so handsome that someone can't take their eyes off my ass.

"Who could possibly take their eyes off dat ass? It reflects all light sources. It's a glimmering ass of power."

Her eyes might be lingering on him longer than modest.

"Again, I can assure you all that you are well within tolerable psychiatric ranges. The clones sacrifices troopers that were not were all recycled cleared from the program at an early point in recruitment."

Stargazer tucks into a plate of chow mein absently, then glances around.

"And any of you who have concerns about your mental health are free to consult with me in my role as base psychologist anytime you've no missions scheduled.

"Also, I would recommend against licking the frogs. This particular species is neither poisonous nor hallucinogenic and repeated exposure is unlikely to result in anything more than amorous amphibians."

He takes a sip from a cup of lukewarm coffee and continues.

"... That was a joke."

"It's highly subjective to your goals and opinions if you'll come out any better than you went in. Of course, by that point, he's had a crack at your head and I'm sure you won't be abe to see any flaws in his logic anymore."

Ominous.

Toni's crude enough to catch that one, immidiately bursting into a snickering facepalm. Despite being wary of him, she doesn't have many problems getting along with the disturbing doctor. They share many opinions. Which is alarming, really.

((If it makes you feel any better, the guy who can one shot troopers is a pure melee combatant, meaning you can gun him down before he gets into range. On the other hand, he's got a crapton of HP and will automatically run towards anyone who shoots at him, even on your turn, meaning if you don't kill him, you're that much closer to a facefull of alien deathpunch))

((Just for reference. There IS such a thing as the Bolivarian dream. :P))

((Will I be able to acquire any reviving powers in the future? Seems like something of the sort will be needed))

((In a sense. Normally, when a character's HP is depleted, they're dead and gone for good. On occasion however, rather than dying outright, the character will start bleeding out. If someone uses a med kit in time, you'll be able to stabilize them. A stabilized character is still out of commission for the rest of the battle and will suffer a permanent stat penalty for the rest of the game, but will nonetheless survive. High level support soldiers however can learn the skill Revive, where rather than just stabilizing a character that's bleeding out, they'll revive them with 1/3 of their HP. The revived character still suffers the permanent stat penalty, however. Also, keep in mind Revive only works with characters who are bleeding out; a character that died outright cannot be revived))

((So uh, I did a mission, and it went terribly and half the squad died. That said, for the first and only time, I'll savescum this one, simply because I was really tired when I did it, and made a whole lot of mistakes that I shouldn't have. Now, I was considering just rolling with it for a while, but I felt it wouldn't be fair for the owners of the characters who died due to my incompetence >_>))

1 April 2015

As per the popular vote of the troops, Dr. Stargazer's team was ordered to begin research into xeno biology. If these guys are kidnapping humans and probing them, the least we can do is to learn how to counterprobe.

At the start of every month, we are to inform the Council of Nations that funds the XCOM project on our performance for the last month.



Of course, being a vague, shadowy council, all their messages are encrypted and their spokesperson is eternally clad in shadow. Not a very friendly bunch, the Council.



On the plus side, the Council is very happy with us, and gave us an "A", like we're school children. More problematic however is the fact that our monthly funding was a paltry $591. Guys! We're a global organization that is trying to save humanity from extinction! Would it kill you to give us a little extra!? You're the reason we still don't have a frog sized Skyranger!





On another note, Dr. Shen just informed me that work has been completed on the Foundry!

With this, we'll be able to start production on more advanced equipment for our troops! Unfortunately, thanks to the Council of Nations being a bunch of penny pinching assholes we don't have actually have the funding to do anything right now.

---

5 April 2015

The base was woken up by the sound of alarms early this morning; an alien UFO had been spotted landing in a Nigerian forest.



I have to admit, I feel apprehensive. I had a dream last night where a mission went fubar and the squad suffered multiple fatalities. Hopefully, reality will be quite different.



Thanks to her extensive battlefield experience, Sgt. Bolivar taught us how to field a 5-man squad (the trick is to stuff an extra person into the Skyranger), which will be invaluable in this and future missions.

Bolivar will be leading the squad, with Sofaer, Dee, Pavel and Accompli backing her up. With two assaults, a support, a sniper and a heavy, I look forward to seeing how well this team performs.

With the squad picked, I tell them to get ready to depart. Operation Zombie King Dilemma begins in a few hours.

((You have the best names for missions. The very best.

And omnious.))

Yay! It's time to kill zombies aliens again! Or maybe just stand in the way of them killing other people.

*eats her steroid ice cream before suiting up*

READY FOR ACTION.

Well, guys, show me what you can do.

This bag of popcorn? Oh, it's just a snack for the way... it's not like I'm going to sit back and watch as you get murdered, no. Of course not.

Sadly. In fact, I'll have to babysit you and take care that you don't die. *sigh*

((Watch me die in the mission for saying that))

5 April 2015

The base is abuzz with activity as he engineers scramble to prep the Skyranger for launch. Unfortunately, Dr. Shen again vetoed my proposal to begin construction of a frog sized Skyranger to transport back up frog troopers to mission sites.

Shen then proposed we build a second, human sized Skyranger instead. The man is an idiot. We already have a human sized Skyranger, why would we need another one!?

You need more satellites to get more money. :)

(My headcanon remains they requested a list of expenses and saw 'frog-sized uniforms, guns, Skyranger' and decided they might need to invest in Plan B.)

((You know what? We're going with this))

---

((tagging AaronSofaer, Kaneda, fadeaccompli, Sarasha and Mind Elemental to let them know their characters are participating in this mission))

Operation Zombie King Dilemma



Our mission is to storm the enemy UFO and eliminate all hostiles. Unfortunately, unlike the previous UFO mission, this ship has landed rather than been shot down. As a result, we expect much heavier and better organized resistance.



Touching down.



I totally didn't know that fifth seat in the Skyranger was meant for a person. I always thought that was where you put the potted plant.



I have a good team. Just not a very photogenic one.



Pavel agrees.



Accompli did manage to get one cool shot in though.



You know, I think this is the first mission we've had in daylight. For once, our refusal to not invest in night vision goggles isn't going to bite us in the ass.

I'd post something more meanful right now, but it's best if Snark focuses. And quietly.

You see, Antonia never did have a drink at Logan's last night, because Enjolras forbid Grantaire to drink, and she wouldn't without him. Which means she's hardly slept, she's pissed as a sack of bees, and the commander didn't send her out on the mission to take her angries out on enemies AGAIN.

So you see, the base is currently being turned inside out by Psychotic Yeti Rage Toni, causing all kinds of property damage, hulking out on anybody who tries to stop her, and searching with HELLBENT ferocity for the dear Commander.

"Sofaer and Dee have barely recovered from the last mission! You bastard! Send me instead!"

I'm not sure there are enough frogguards in the world to stop her if she finds him. Not to mention, she's kicking her own ass fighting inanimate objects to quell her rage.

"They better come back alive, or I'll tear this place down with my teeth alone! RAAAAAAAAGH!"

Yeah so. She's earned herself some paperwork for possible dishonorable discharge. Somebody either needs to get her a drink, or send her on a mission soon if they don't want to lose her completely.

((tagging AaronSofaer, Kaneda, fadeaccompli, Sarasha and Mind Elemental to let them know their characters are back in action!))

Operation Zombie King Dilemma (Part 2)

Not two steps from the Skyranger, the team spots a bunch of familiar faces.



Hey! It's the Harvey brothers! My doctor, accountant and dentist, respectively! They're alive! The aliens didn't kill them and assume their identities after all!



I ordered Bolivar to go say hi to them, but before she could get close, Harvey Lemmings shot at her!

Wait a second...I get it now! Aliens weren't assuming the identities of my doctor, accountant and dentist! My doctor, accountant and dentist were aliens! Sneaky.



Aware of this vile alien trickery, I ordered Bolivar to return fire. Her bullets failed to connect.



The aliens return fire, this time connecting and badly wounding Bolivar.

Worried for her safety, I ordered Sofaer to close in on Bolivar and provide her with some backup.



Another alien advanced, presumably to finish off the wounded Bolivar. Accompli tried to gun him down, but her shots went wide.



Sofaer's metal ass showed remarkable agility in dodging close range alien fire.



Pavel, our designated sniper, managed to land a bullet straight through the alien attacking Sofaer, killing him where he stood. It was cool.





Distracted by the death of their colleague, the aliens didn't spot Dee sneaking up on them until she pumped one with a fistful of lead.





Accompli tried to make this a one-two punch, but unfortunately couldn't hit the remaining X-ray.





Sofaer was not so inaccurate. Though to be fair, he was like a foot away from that guy.



With the first wave of X-rays down, Bolivar takes the opportunity to patch herself up.



Moving deeper into the forest, the team makes spots the landed UFO.



Sofaer claims to have heard something coming from the alien ship. I order the team to approach with caution.



Well, so far, so good. The lookouts were killed before they could raise an alarm, the UFO is in sight, let's hope things keep going smoothly.

((*munches popcorn in ardent hope I wasn't right about our first medic being liable to get instaborked*))

Don't worry, you all still have me! If John Stargazer doesn't murder me in my sleep FOR SCIENCE, that is.

Well, I'm sure you'd be able to pop up in a new flesh vessel.

Note to self: less time eating steroid-laced ice cream, more time working at target practice, if I live through this.

5 April 2015

Despite coming dangerously close, Landis has yet to breach my barricaded command centre. Evidently, the Frogguard is more effective than their critics gave them credit for.

Ever since the live stream of the mission began, the base has been relatively quiet (save Landis). Hopefully the troops are taking this opportunity to observe and adept to the new five person squad format.

Finally, note to self: refine Heavy training program to spend less time doing cliche MANLY things, and spend more time in target practice.

Further note to self: Send an elite frog operative to shave off Wellington's mustache so that I can use it as my new fake mustache.