Let's get eaten by Grues! A Zork LP

The fly is too quick, even with my awesome gloves. We’ll have to find another way to catch it. We continue skirting around, find a fox that allows us to pick it up, and discover Dimwit’s mountain.

Pretty! Also, the view sounds nice. And if you didn't notice, we are indeed still INSIDE the castle.

Yeah, I’ll wear it.
Okay, so that word precarious? It’s making my fingers itchy.

This game totally knows me "recuperate from the excitement" indeed.
Fun fact: parking the yacht at the blue dock before doing this is Bad Plan.
We head north into:

Squishing noise.. whatever. It’s a rebus button, that’s enough for me.

Encyclopedia entry on Saint Foobus:

Hmm, deadly to humans? Probably shouldn't drink it. And the bowl is too narrow, so I can't get to it easily. I'm going to have to fill the bowl with something... the grotto had a gravelly path. I drop the perch and head down there.

Yesss. Picking up everything, pigeon last, takes me back to the shrine. Unfortunately, it only fills the bowl a quarter way, so I slide down until I can get to the elixir. The second time I get ‘more gravel’, and the third ‘even more gravel’.

Note: if you do what I did, and accidentally go down the gravel path without having the perch up there? Yeah, you won’t get to go back to that area. Ever. The yacht is in the wrong position so you can't access it anymore.
So, after a quick restore and redo, I finish wandering the area and find the stable, which has a rooster and a saddle.

Is that the name of the saddle or the horse? I can't figure it out.
Having both the rooster and the fox in inventory is funny. Every few rounds:

Obviously they're part of the same puzzle. We head back to the great hall, and while dropping things off we see:

Huh. Let’s grab the worm and see if we can find where these animals are supposed to do their thing.

It’s time to ride the dirigible!

We go back to the West Wing and board the gondola.

The dirigible flies west, over forests and mountains, and eventually drifts to a halt in the swamps of Fenshire.
We get out and discover that we are at:

Passing through the ruins we notice a fresco and a small vase, then pass into..

From the Encyclopedia:

Well, I think we have those things.

When we try to go north:

Hah, so I can only carry one thing at a time, and the jester wants the worm, rooster and fox.
If I leave the rooster and worm alone, the rooster will eat the worm. If I leave the fox with the rooster, the fox will eat the rooster.

Once the third ingredient makes it across:

This doesn't sound amazing, but if the jester wants to have a picnic date with me...

DAMMIT

Well, at least we got something. If we had left anything on the ground in the Marsh where the arch collapsed, we could go back and get it now, but we were paranoid and only had the required items. Let’s explore a little more.

Wait.. fan.. fan!

So, the game is giving you hints with the flowers in the corners - you don’t need them, necessarily, but it does make the game go faster.

Oh, blush.

Pick it up and get 12 points. Yay!

Okay, I’ve enjoyed the outdoors enough, let’s go back to exploring the underground. Crypt time!
I head back to the Great Hall, pick up pigeon/perch, ruby, sled and the shiny orbs.
Underneath the Crypt we find..

From the Encyclopedia:

First we have to put something in the depression - this ruby would look nice.
We have something else with a serpent motif, don’t we? Something shiny and around my neck?
If we look at it, a different number of eyes will be open, and it will change what happens when we walk into the oracle’s mouth.
I tried to look for a good serpent idol picture, but after spending a LOT of time looking at angry snake face I choose to give you:

THAT snake mouth I would be willing to walk into.
With one eye open:

We can’t walk, but we do have an alternate means of transportation.

Hmm. We haven't hit the first half of this puzzle, so I'll just.. put this.. here.

Well, let’s figure out which orb has our princess. We look at each of them in the mirror, and the glittery orb gives us:

Although we can’t move here in the middle of the frozen lake, throwing things works. Throwing the glittery orb west pushes us east on the toboggan. Go physics! We stand and drop the fake orbs, then trek around the lake to pick up the maiden orb. Over here, we notice a building to the west

You mean a scale model like the one in the picture... here?

Getting the scale model gets us 12 more points. Yuss.

Okay, I will pause here. Expect the rest of it tomorrow, as I have it off.
Next time: We rescue the maiden, steal from wizards, deal with witches, see the bottom of the world, play with the flamingo, chat with a toad, and maybe save the Empire.

Had to wait until my cats were ready to make room for a keyboard on my lap. Monday is important bonding time!

We take the pigeon express back to the oracle. For the next bit, we’ll need to get supplies. We go drop the model off in the banquet hall and pick up our animal to stone wand. Down in the zoo, we have a snake in a cage.

We take the pigeon back to the oracle (this saves time), and then reenter when there are no eyes open.

I would normally be all over this button but I have rope that’s going to turn back to a snake.
If I am not speedy enough..

Our score is getting quite respectable and our title is well past peasant now. But still, death is bad.
So let’s not do that.

We try to go down to the next ledge, but..

We tie the "rope" to the spire and that allows us to proceed downward.

Let’s see, who would this belong to?

This looks like it was done in his painting style, so this is probably the lost Obstructed View of Fjord painting and his easel! Nice to get a Flathead set done in one sweep.
We take the easel and remove the landscape from it, drop them off in the banquet room and take stock.
We currently have:
Lucrecia Flathead: flask, fan
Babe Flathead: dumbbell
Frank Lloyd Flathead: scale model, t-square
Dimwit Flathead: gaudy crown, scepter
Thomas Alva Flathead: screwdriver, brass lantern
Johan Sebastian Flathead: fancy violin, metronome
Ralph Waldo Flathead: manuscript
Stonewall Flathead: saddle
John Paul Flathead: cap
John D. Flathead: stock certificate, diploma
J. Pierpont Flathead: zorkmid bill
Leonardo Flathead: easel, landscape
In other words, math says we need five more items. We also need the sacred word, and a giant vault so we can swim in all of the money we're going to win. I bet relatives are going to come out of the

Let's go back and explore that area now that we're not considered about Mister Snake.
We wait until it is again no-eye time and go back to the crag.
Now I can push the button!

Donkey is gone off the rebus!
We wander southeast down the mountain, to

This is what tells us why we have orbs.
Also, pretty!

The bones must be part of the ominous warning that fake orbs causing death. Good thing I had that magical lake thing.
Let's test this out:

Yeah, flower.

I know where an empty vase is, too.
But let’s finish off the mountain first.
We head northwest and discover

Six sides = hexagon, right? I got a block like that during the failed dinner-date with the jester.

SHINY

We snatch it like a greedy magpie and then take the pigeon back.
Next, let’s take care of this flower. We take the dirigible back to Fenshire and in the Ruined hall with the empty vase:

The room to the east has a ..step-ladder. We take it, obviously, and go back to the main Castle.
Next, we go and explore Antharia, with their lovely granola mines and their rocky cliff face.

We make sure we’re wearing a hardhat and pick up the lantern, then go back down to the Oracle. When all of the eyes are lit up, we go to:
Mine Entrance
The Antharian granola mines can be entered to the east, and a major road leads west. Signs of the granola riots are everywhere. Speaking of signs, there’s one next to the mine entrance.
According the Encyclopedia:

But.. but I love granola!

We make sure we have are hardhat on, and are saved from falling rocks in the mine. Ha!

While exploring the mines, we discover a rebus button.

And at the end of the mine, a quill pen. I'm guessing it's Ralph Waldo Flathead's quill:

We exit the mine and travel west, to the Flathead Stadium.

Haha, bat. We’re assuming this belongs to Babe.

Dammit!
I check the Encyclopedia for other Antharian interests, and discover:

Let’s go find the witches! I travel around and start climbing up the cliff, until I get to

Hey! Hey, that’s mine! We continue our climb, and enter a cave. No witches, but we’ve been told how to summon them!

Well, I’m just a peasant, what do you expect?

Awesome. I can sense the puzzle taking shape here.
we head back out and the birds steal my other light source. I must have revenge.

REVENGE! Let's figure out whose this is (two Flatheads are pictured with ties).

The other person's tie is just striped, so I presume this completes my J. Pierpont Flathead collection:

So, we have a request from the witches for six gloops, but only a nine gloop vial. I will need a second vial from.. somewhere AND a way to get the Oasis.
We climb down the hill and find our light sources. I turn off the lantern to save fuel (habit from Zork I days), then pigeon back to the Oracle. We'll need to explore the 3 eyed location, Fublio Valley, next - see the huge statue, visit wizard huts, you know. The usual.

Before heading out, we grab the ladder and cup with plant-speak potion and go to the three eye location of the Oracle.

We’re in Fublio Valley, home of the offending statue.
According to the Encyclopedia:

Traveling southwest, I end up climbing up the mountain until I get to:

From the Encyclopedia:

As a note: when we were at the bottom of the world, we saw that the world was on the shoulder of a brogmoid. The top of the world is under the foot of.. a brogmoid. Freaky! Also, the text echos being at the bottom of the world, with 'no sign that anyone has ever been here before.' We are true explorers here! First to scale tall mountains and find the.. bottom.. of pits? Something like that.
Oh hey, fungus. Aren’t we looking for a fungus?
Also: I went to see if I could make toe fungus cute. No, no I could not.

Oh, hey little Melvin! You're adorable as long as I don't look at pictures, let's take you back to your folks.

We climb back down and wander about a bit until we find

A wizard hut!

Ooh, we're in a wizard hut! And finally, another word puzzle! Of course, it doesn't make a lot of sense, and we'll need to connect it something else.
We use the step-ladder to get into Megaboz’s attic:

That rebus should be just about uncovered. The trunk is intriguing, but locked, so we'll come back to it later.

We finish exploring the area and finds another wizard’s home.

Yuss, here's a second vial. We can use this to solve the witch gloop puzzle.

We take the vial and then pigeon out, but..

Uh oh. Wait, didn’t we have food? Food that’s poisonous to humans?
We’re going to need to do something with the flamingo now.
We go back to the Great Hall and get the flamingo food and the wand.
In the garden:

Now I've reached the limits of magic. We're going to have to try.. science!
We travel down to FAF’s laboratory, to his

I put the flamingo in the left booth, walk into the right.

Okay, no longer worried about dying of hunger. Let’s bring Melvin home. We travel back to the bottom of the world and into the brogmoid’s ear.

Okay, so now we can go into the brogmoid's ear. Um.. good? I guess?
Also, I know it's the 'wrong' kind of fungus, but let's go ahead and imagine a forest fungus like so:

We pick it up, but this is super gross.

As an aside, sometimes the jester just comes to visit.

But he refuses any offer of conversation. Just stands there, twinkling at us.

Okay, next up - let’s get the six gloops of water for the witches. We travel back up into the castle, make sure we have the cap and get on the yacht so we travel back to the desert. After all, we need oasis water, and an oasis only shows up in deserts. We wander a bit and find

Also, kind of adorable with his nobbly knees and giant lips. I know they're not always super friendly but I think that's just camels being tsundere.
Sign you've been on Broken Forum too long: calling a camel tsundere.
The camel refuses to travel the desert until he gets water. The lake water is terrible, but there is a Stream where we wondered if we were on drugs and got the diploma.

Amazing! I can lead a camel to water and... don’t have to make him drink.
We walk around the desert until we find:

Okay, we need 6 gloops, but only have a 9 and 4 vial container.
Solution:

This puzzle is more often I think seen as having a 3 and 5 unit container but needing 4 units.
Before we go on to the next thing, let’s go look at the rebus we cleared.

I'll put the mid-game commentary for it in spoilers, so feel free to work it out if you like.

Okay, time to give the vial to the witches. We make sure we have two light sources, go back to oracle and enter to Antharia. We climb the cliffs again, and this time the birds steal our lantern. Stupid bird.

Well, lucky us.

Bah.
We go back to the Stadium and..

This is the 22nd item! We are approaching the end.

Okay, time to solve the rebus.

Am.. am I a lady? I hope I’m a lady at this point.
So, the rebus:

Now, we haven’t seen a description like that yet. We know most of the trees in the castle area are elms. The only other place we’ve seen trees, or heard of trees, was in Fublio valley, so let’s go explore that some more. Well, explore without revisiting the wizard that I stole things from.

Ah, so I can go down to be in the shadow.

I really wish people would stop making us sleep. Let me be awake when cool things happen!

First, I remove and throw away the ring of ineptitude. Then, I gather my things.
The rusty key is new! There was that trunk in Megaboz’s attic, just down the hill..

Take all the things!

We head back to the main castle and return to the secret area. There was a tower we hadn’t been to yet. We climb to the roof of the castle:

I think the writers put every castle word they knew in there. I've already given you the diagram if you want to actually know what they're talking about, or we can just look at:

I take the fly, which means I now have: a large fly, a larger fly, an even larger fly. Hmm. I pigeon back to the oracle. I have yet to go through the ‘two eye’ oracle. It takes us to:

I think you can map the area dropping things, or you can wander / check a walkthrough until you get to a room with:

Yes, yes you do. From John Paul's calendar entry:

We can also see the spyglass in his hand.
The button that says hello sailor is an in joke in several Zork games

From the Encyclopedia:

Oh man, I only have three.
We walk around a bit more until:

Yesss.
mine! We catch the fly and go back to Otto.
We give each fly to Otto, then:

We pigeon back to the castle.
Time for the final puzzle - the scroll.

The scroll was:

And now it’s time to follow spell instructions: put all the Flathead things (and ONLY the flathead things) in the cauldron.

As we put things in the cauldron, it gets more and more active. Finally, with the last item:

Did you notice it calls the cauldron a kettle? Like, say, the steaming kettle in the sketch in the notebook?

I go west, to line myself up for escape, and say the word from the notebook.

I.. am going to run. There was a gate to the outside, let’s go outside of the castle.
As we travel..

This is your hint to head toward the perimeter, if you weren't sure where to escape to.

And there it is. For those who don’t know, this is the opening of Zork I, making truth of the title of this game.

Are we surprised?

Wat. I was supposed to be breaking the curse! Getting half the treasure! Now you want me to guard a.. house?

I.. wait. If your job was to make sure GUE was benevolent, why didn’t you respond until they blocked the sun in your favorite orchard or whatever? Why didn’t you move as soon as tax rates got close to 98%? You sucked at your job, Megaboz.

Well, we could swim in it?

I. Am. Dungeon MASTER!

Also, 1830 turns is 30.5 hours. That’s.. a long day.
So, this is Zork Zero. Pretty good puzzle set, and if you read up on the Encyclopedia I think very few things are guessing games. A complete novice will end up backtracking more often, but clever usage of the perch (putting it in the library can be helpful) will keep you from too much wandering.

This.. was fun! If you like puzzle games, I recommend trying out the Zork series (although I would start out with the later and work backwards, as the series starts out very obtuse, in my opinion).

Of course, Infocom is also known for it's more philosophical/interesting IF, namely games like Trinity and a Mind Forever Voyaging. AMFV was a commercial flop, but is really a great game about a computer program trying to model how governmental policies will affect a town in the future. It's abandonware, which is a bit morally gray, but I do actually own it as well, so.. I'm going to dig up my old Lost Treasures boxes and see if I can get things installed.

Thanks for reading!

You know, I was going to post earlier that with all the crazy things he pulled off, such as vanishing into thin air, turning the protagonist into an alligator, and turning himself into a bridge, the jester had to be either a wizard, a god, or some kind of drug-induced hallucination. Guess I was right about one of them, though that doesn't actually rule the other two out...

Anyway, thanks for this LP! It was definitely a lot of fun to read through. AMFV sounds like a ton of fun, so I'd love to see you do that in the future!

I don't have enough "oh you"s in my pockets for this game. :3c I love all the references, especially this one.

Yes, Infocom writers are quite clever. I can guess who most of the Flatheads are based on except for Dimwit. His giant statue reminds me of the Futurama episode where Bender takes over an Egyptian planet, except obviously ZZ came first.

They don't give him any memorable quotes that would associate him with one of the Louis kings, either...any thoughts on if Dimwit was based on one king in particular or just a generic stereotype of excess?
Edit: realized I never showed you Dimwit's calendar entry, I don't think. Here it is:

Melvin hit hard times later on, but he did do a cameo in Star Control 2.

There really aren't many parts for talking fungus outside of Mario games.

Even if you're a fungus that seeks adventure / runs away from home. You could really write a whole little game about that.