Let's play Fatal Hearts - Because there aren't vampires enough these days

This book is total crap. And one thing is curious: I easily find reviewers hating this book in English, but in Portuguese, it's like... 99 out of 100 rewiews are about how awesome this book is. I'm almost ashamed of that, really. If I was to review this book, I would have 20 pages of shit to talk about it. But I won't review it. 'Cause then I would need to take a tsunami of bitchy comments saying stuff like "you don't like it 'cause you're a geek virgin and have aversion to sex" or "fuck you, you're just envious of the author's success 'cause you could never write better than her". Then I would put my head under the shower until I drown.

It's always the "you're just jealous" defense, isn't it?

You know what? I am kind of jealous. I wish I had the confidence to be able to shit on a page and convince everyone that it's awesome.

I laughed out loud of this. Yes, always the same excuses. They can't build up an intellectual response to bad reviews about what they enjoy.

The problem is that whole Latino-America is sexist. I don't know how much terrible is the sexism in Brazil but here in Nicaragua is a big problem, but not so bad like Mexico.

GUYS, you are making me look up Danish reviews for this now and they're POSITIVE it's a good story shoddily written.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE ME EMIGRATE.

Yeah, it's like they ignore all the terrible writing, WTF occurrences and repetitive shit and say: "GUYS LOOK AT THIS: THIS HAVE SEX IT'S LIKE SOOOOO COOL OMG SEX LOLOLOLOLOLOL MAN YOU NEED TO READ IT THERE'S SEX ON IT". It's depressing. I see no problem in a little bit of sex during my readings, it can actually be nice, but poorly-written porn can be found for free in the internet. Less repetitive and with no inner goddesses. And less creepy.

I'm planning on it since I was 10.

My favourite is the one that acknowledges her 'subsconscious' is clearly meant to be her superego and then goes on to complain how it's all too NICE AND NOT VIOLENT AND GRITTY ENOUGH.

The inner goddess is in the Danish translation as well. Although I am realizing our word for review is the same word we use to describe reporting someone to the police which seems very, very apropos.

(The word is 'anmeldelse' if you want to verify it via google translate or something)

Honestly, 90% of my problem with this book is that it's marketed as mainstream fiction and not as porn. If it were sold specifically as porn (or erotica if you want to be pretentious about it), specifically to people who want to read about these fetishes, then it's like, OK, whatever, it's obviously just a sexual fantasy and not real, but it's not my thing so I don't care. Because of the audience it's actually being sold to, however, I feel like there's a perception, whether it was the author or publisher's intent or not, that what's being portrayed is good and healthy and realistic. That's not cool.

Here in Brazil, I once found it in kids/teens section.
KIDS/TEENS SECTION.
And it looks like this book's a offense to REAL sadomasochists out there from what I heard. It brings a complete misconception of it. Like, you don't need to be traumatized and psychologically ill (like Christian is) to be into this stuff. You don't need to act like a slave all the time and change your personality for your "master" like Christan wants her to do. And man, this fucking contract.
Grey's like... A rapist, but Anastasia's such a nynphomaniac that she just agrees and enjoys anything. It's sick.

What.

Yep. I'm worried about this generation.
I can't believe I once thought Gossip Girls was too much for the teen section.

But talking about good literature:
I finished reading Memórias Póstumas and now I'm reading another brazilian book called O Mulato (the mulatto? I dunno how to say this in English), and it seems nice for now. It's obviously about prejudice.

And, well, Hellsing manga series.

The Mulatto is how it would be translated. (Does the term have offensive connotations in Brazil? It does in American English, at least.)

Well, I'm not sure, actually. Nowadays it seems like even mentioning a non-white person's color can be offensive, but in the time this book was written it was the opposite. I don't think mulato is an offensive word, but I don't know if it's considered offensive by the general population, since no one uses this world anymore. What I'm sure they see as pejorative is the word preto (literally, black). You can only use it as a joke with someone you're intimate with, if you know this person isn't bothered by it. But it's weird they can call me a gecko because I'm too white and I can't call them black.

I'm praying for your sanity, Sofalisa. And I don't even believe in God!

Are we so backwards now (in this 'post-feminist' day and age) that abusive men like Christian Gray are seen as attractive? I worry for society, I really do.

I have to wonder... none of the reviews I read called him out on being an asshole, they just called him a flat, boring character.

I am reading absolutely nothing but schoolwork! That's Political Science for you. I went to a reading speed class and apparently we're infamous for it, usually sitting at 300+ pages of reading a week (and spending on average 2-3 hours a day on campus to compensate). Still, I did manage to gobble up all of Blixen's final short stories over 3 hours there, so I guess that counts as reading literature. Even if I had to butcher-read some of it because reading speed exercises. I best remember The Cardinal's First Tale out of them, which had a very interesting concept.

I don't know if I believe in God too. If He existed, he wouldn't just let this book be even published.

And yep, he's a terrible person. Man, he's just like my abusive husband character in almost everything.

I don't think he's a flat character. Anastasia's a flat character. But Grey has some kind of backstory and causes emotion on the reader (in my case, fear) so that's something.
I have found an interesting article written by a rape survivor. In the article she compared Christian with her former abuser.

Read this: 50 Shades of WTF
It's amusing.

My adventures reading 50 Shades of Gray (Part 14):

Chapter 17. Anastasia wakes up and Christian's gracefully sleeping beside her. Ow, how cure (insert sarcasm).
Then, after he goes away, e-mail trading again, and he says he's going to "continue with the spanking, just as it is." I thought she said she wanted it in the irrefutable limits. It seems like the discussing and negotiating thing was a lie. Just like the cake. He also said he was "statically cheerful" for beating her. Anastasia answers saying she's "very glad your hand is sore." She just got a point with me there.
Oh, and I just discovered something new: Christian goes to a psychologist or something similar to it! JUST IMAGINE IF HE DIDN'T! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Sometimes I think these e-mail are the best part of the book, 'cause some of them makes me laugh. Now I don't know if this was supposed to be an erotic book, a terror one or a comedy. 'Cause beyond the e-mails, there are a lot of shit that wasn't supposed to be funny but make us laugh because it looks like it was written while the author was high in mushroom tea or something.
Okay. Then Christian gives her another present: a BlackBerry. I never saw the charm on this cellphone.
Yadda yadda, she spend the day with her friends, yadda yadda, and when she sees, she has million of missed calls in her cellphone from Christian and a scolding e-mail. Man, he's just like my ex. Couldn't take 2 hours without texting me and being texted back.
That's why I broke up with him.
Then Anastasia and Kate move to another apartment. A deliveryman goes there with something from Christian: "He holds a bottle of champagne with a balloon stuck, it has a helicopter shape." MAN, THAT WAS JUST RIDICULOUS, I laughed out loud 'cause now I got the balloon reference from 50 Shades of WTF.
On Sunday, she goes to his house, and it's the same bullshit as ever: He asks if she ate already, says she needs to eat, she's oh so full of desire, and he wants her naked body, etc. But they don't fuck this time. She came to see the doctor. And the chapter ends.

Jewel sentences:

• "He's wrapped around me like a victory flag."
• "I blush, however I feel seven shades of scarlet of his warmth." At least it wasn't fifty shades of scarlet.
• "Well, he (Jose) was swept under the carpet where my goddess is lying on, eating grapes and tapping her fingers, waiting, not very patiently, for Sunday." Poor guy.
• "He would probably like to beat seven shades of hell out of me." Wat
• "He (Elliot) is warm, open, physical, very physical, very physical, with Kate..."
• "My Goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot." I thought she was always out of herself. All of the formerly read bullshit were sane?
• "My inner goddess has her pom poms in hand, she is acting like a cheerleader." Wait, I've read this already.

This chapter was some kind of relief balm for me, 'cause it wasn't as terrible as the other ones. Still terrible, though.

I thought it was pretty common? http://www.vampires.be/index.php?title=Vampire_OCD

I never thought about vampires' strange behavior as OCD.

It's something that comes up a lot in vampire lore, but I can think of very few examples in fiction. The one mentioned in that link is pretty cool.

I wonder if the authors read Dresden Files, which has both

Okay, let's get to work already. Tim wins again. He's just awesome.



Who is this "some of the others" you talk about? We need to know who's he talking to. We can't just let him talk with people like that. What if these "some of the others" are girls flirting with him?



YOU BET I'M READY! Y'know, I bought this new lingerie set you're just gonna love.



Yeah, Chris YOU'll be hurt a little but it's nothing to worry about.



Die? Wow, are you THAT strong?

Oh, Chris, you're so innocent.



I agree. When two people love each other...



Oh, were you talking about fight all this time? Sorry, then.



Oh, yes, Tim is Van Helsing's descendent. Didn't you know?



It looks like the "why give belts to these teenagers" question is answered: Tim was the first random stranger with fighting spirit Eric found on the streets.

Actually, you did. Like... two times.



Sounds hot. It's a better surname than Grey.



I can't believe we actually have a family name. So mom is called Mom Robinson?



Huh?

/NINJA'D DAMMIT

I'm so happy I have more updates to read! Our romancing of Tim is sorely needed as a palate cleanser after all that Grey.

About 50 Shades, another huge batch of commentary is incoming, I can't help myself. Sofalisa, you're a brave human being and I salute you. I wouldn't be able to take so much stupid even in summary form without your commentary.

The fact that it's hyped as mainstream is probably the main reason why this book has any success at all. Here you have a book that is basically mediocre porn marketed as a 'normal' book that you can read while riding the bus or waiting at the restaurant. Boom, all those people who were taught that good girls don't read porn run to buy it. As porn, it wouldn't even be published, probably, because, as already pointed out, you can read better porn for free on the Internet.

That's also why it is such a novelty to so many people. We Internet denizens or people who read a ton of books anyway know that there's plenty of better written sex around, but people who never read an 'erotic' book before will think it's the most transgressive and liberating thing evar because they have no means for comparison. If the closest you ever came to reading about sex was some titillating 'historical' novel filled with heaving bosoms or something, I can believe that 50 Shades will rock your world. Which also explains the glowing reviews.

And and and, I am reading the Iliad. The men are still assholes in it, but at least I can blame cultural dissonance. Also, Mansfield Park. I am a literature nerd, ok. I can rec both, though.

Thank you. I really need to restrain myself not to rip every single page of this book and use it as toilet paper.

Which route are you talking about? Our lovely assassin?

She didn't asked him to stop while he spanked her, actually, 'cause she's too dumb for that. She only screamed like mad. That's exactly why he didn't feel any guilt after that, he said she's a mature adult who should have warned him to stop, so if she endured it to the end it's all her fault. I kind of agree with him in this one, 'cause he really told her to use the word "red" if she wanted him to stop.

Dracula's a polite and kind gentleman if compared to my character Paul (not the abusive husband). And Paul's the sweetest person all over the world if compared with Grey.

THIS! This is the answer I never found in my head.
My friends who enjoyed it are all really inexperienced when it comes to reading porn. I'm not - there I said it.
Only one of them isn't, but she's not fascinated, she liked it because she laughed the shit out of it. It's a damn good comedy for her.
But the other ones thought the sex scenes were really something, I don't think they have ever read anything like that before.

Well, when it's a cultural or time thing, I can't blame them. I got really pissed off with The Bookseller of Kabul, though. But it was a good book.

Stalks.



He was? Awwwn, poor Timmy, come, let me comfort you with a nice love night.



Chris' more sensitive than me. Oh, please, girl, get some nerve! THE GUY NEEDS COMFORTING!

He may be dead and gone.



How did I remember this song?



Of course, it's Tim we're talking about here. But who would ever love you, Christina?

I vote for first! Maybe he's using french perfume.



But... What about our night? I bought this lingerie for NOTHING?



And back to stalking again.

I bet she is. She's too weird to be good.



Why does RANDY need to tell me? I rather hear your sweet voice, Timmy. I mean, imagine it, since this game isn't voiced.



Always so eloquent.



HER CREEPY PARENTS?

Should we keep our mouth shut, or spill the beans?

Spill all of your beans for Tim! He wants your beans~
Plus, that choice is located in a very fine spot, I'd click it regardless~

Maybe Lucy will turn out to be a vamp and get stabbed through the heart? Oooh, maybe we could do it? And pull a "Pretty Women" on her? ("You remember when you were being a bitch and sold me out? Big mistake! Big, HUGE! I have to go stabbing now~" /stab)
Don't you love that scene? It's like balm to your inner bitch.

On one hand, snitches get stitches... On the other hand, stitches look incredibly cool. Let's spill~

Oh, you dirty-minded. But now that you mentioned it, it's in a rather nice place indeed.

KEEP QUIET

I'm afraid they'll go after Lucy's family or something...

Fixed it for ya~