Let's play Fatal Hearts - Because there aren't vampires enough these days

And nobody asked why did Chris dream about a vampire as her lover...

No, Marta was there 'cause she loves Elizabeth, that's why. This protection thing is only convenient.



Couldn't you use your brain only a little bit, Chris?
... Do you have a brain?

Chris, we KNOW. He's looking for YOU. That's why the dreams. Your family even went to the trouble of naming you the German/English version of Kirsten.

Man. Chris is dreaming about him.



Chris is dreaming about him.



Just... Pay attention to Chris a little.

This was totally planned. Maybe her motherfucker father was part of the cult.

New theory: Baldrick fathered EVERYONE.

And love~



"Me?"

"Yes. Come to a private talk behind the bushes with me. I want some sniffing."

Finally caught up! Whew, 32 pages ain't easy.
Nice thread you got going! Pretty epic although I wish Christine had a brain sometimes. I liked Lucy at first but now I just feel like punching her in the face because damn, her attitude is just wrong. And a part of me applauds the protag for not ditching her the first time she turned bitchy. Hey, at least she's loyal eh. And Randy's shirt is really distracting at times although he's kinda scary, I like Tim although he should really move on from the hand holding stage already, c'mon Tim, man up!

Your fifty shades of Gray misadventures are hilarious and my heart bleed for the atrocities you have to go through. Seriously though, Christian is an asshole and he should really get a new counsellor cos his current one seems to be doing no help. They have an abusive messed up relationship and someone around them, anyone should just hold an intervention. And I really want to kill that damned Inner Goddess of hers, it's bloody irritating.

The fact that people love this stuff?


The only condolences is that stuff like Throne of Glass, originally a fic on fictionpress, is also published. It's not epic but hey, a least it has a decent plot and characters whom are actually likable...

Thank you very much! I'm glad you're enjoying both of them!
Mainly my misadventures, 'cause it pains me to do it hahahahahahaha

I have a theory on how do people like this book. I realize I'm loosing my sanity at every chapter I read. So, maybe, some people found this book so fucking terrible their minds couldn't take this, inducing them to madness and making they think they like it, so they don't freak out and commit mass murder.
I can't see no better explanation.

EDIT - I just hope I don't get at this point of insanity.

"Oh, of course I'll go with you to the bushes. I like your sniffing!"
This sounded like a 50 Shades-like quote.
(kills self)



IF she wants to talk to you. She promised revenge, or have you forgot it?



You can always introduce them to her.

Oh yes. Lizzy's totally going to save us if we're in danger. She's so strong and agile.



Okay, Tim, I'll call you when I'm alone, needing a hug~

UGH, CHRIS, THERE'S ONLY ONE SPARE, OKAY? HE SAID THAT ALREADY!



I admire your patience, Tim.



Marta must be SOO jealous right now~



I haven't changed absolutely anything in my apartment for years now, either.

Now to BURNING ALL CELL PHONES. I forget the rest of the plan, but BURN ALL CELLPHONES AND VAMPIRES.

I don't see how that's related to changing the kitchen, but okay.



For the boys? Really? I didn't knew it.
I mean, I was worried about Chris looking pretty to Tim, but I don't think Chris was.



O.O
AWWWN LIZZY DON'T SAY THAT! I JUST WANNA HUG YOU!
I FORGIVE YOU CUTTING OUR MOMENT WITH TIM, JUST DON'T MAKE THAT FACE!
Maybe I don't forgive you cutting our moment with Tim. That was inexcusable.

Poor Lizzy. I suddenly and intensely realize she is ME. Complete with utter lack of a sense of timing.

Wow, THAT's low self esteem. And here I was thinking I hated myself a lot as a teenager.



You mean she's a freak NOW? Troll, Chris. Troll.



Nope. I can make a huge list of girls like that, and I'm friends with most of them.
But it's weird when this girl hates everyone who's interested in this stuff at least a little bit. But you're not like that, so it's okay.



What do we say?

I think she's just her. And me at her age. This is creeping me out.

Those are certainly some choices.

I'd say she's lucky, but seeing as she doesn't agree then go for number three.

I played through the end, and I liked our poor vampire more than Randy or even Tim. wat's wrong with me?
But these moustache and beard...

James: They don't work that way...

I vote for being a condescending bitch and taking option 2!
Chris is obviously wiser and more experienced, and so is in position to give advice about emotional maturity (SHE WEARS MAKEUP). It's totally in character for her, too.

Actually, she would like to wear makeup, but she doesn't, 'cause her mom won't let her. She only uses it in Lucy's house.

Go with option three because Lizzy looks traumatized enough already and, well, if we make her cry Martha will probably fuck our shit up.

Yep, him. All the other routes have so much more story and world-building but I really, really like that one.

I can see Randy or Chris not getting it, but Tim, gods, you're supposed to be our Evil Mastermind.

Me too. Caius is a tease. I have a thing for motherfuckers that aren't named Grey.

Maybe Tim doesn't want to believe it, since Christina belongs with him.

It's starting to remind me of Witchsmeller Pursuivant where absolutely everyone is acting so damned stupid that Dumb!Blackadder of the first season becomes the voice of reason and wisdom. Maybe Tim is Edmund. And Chris is season 2-4 Baldrick. And Randy is Percy. Or possibly George.

I have formulated the thought of a Blackadder dating game and now I can't unthink it.

Don't nobody date Queenie now!

... but on the other hand she'd probably have you beheaded if you went another route.

My adventures reading 50 Shades of Gray (Part 16):

Chapter 19. Anastasia and Kate are going to meet Christian's parents. Yay. But then she remembers Grey hid her panties in his jeans pocket, and she asks herself if she should pass through the humiliation of asking the panties back. Then she decides: "Resolving not to ask for it and not to give him satisfaction, I decide to meet their parents without panties." ......................... WHY CAN'T YOU JUST USE HIS UNDERPANTS AGAIN, LIKE YOU DID THAT TIME? YOU'RE DUMBER THAN CHRIS! NOT USING UNDERWEAR MAY MARK IN YOUR PANTS!
"Christian rubs the fingertip slowly down my cheek, and I feel all the way down there." ... She eats Binkan sausages for breakfast. That's the only explanation to this.
Then they go to his parents house, and it's beautiful, yadda yadda, and all the family's beautiful too, 'cause there are no ugly people in this book. Or at least NORMAL people. Then Grey was a jerk again, scolding Anastasia because she wants to visit her mother. ¬¬
Then she notices the maid of their house have a crush on Christian.
"He has a shadow of a beard on his chin, and my fingers itch to scratch it and feel it against my face, against my breasts... between my thighs." Is she a beardophile? Why does she keep thinking of licking beards and chest hair, and rubbing beards in her vagina? Who ever thinks that?
Then he takes her to see the garden, and I bet they'll fuck there. Then he picks her up and puts her over his shoulder, and says he's going to take her to the boathouse. Why, she asks?
"Because I'll spank and then fuck you."
I knew it. And holy fuck, he'll spank her because she wants to visit her mother? He really deserves to die.

Jewel sentences:

• "My goddess is laughing at me."
• "There is no nicer witch than you", Christian says. Huh?
• "My inner goddess sighs with relief. I conclude that she rarely uses her brain to think, but another vital part of her anatomy, and right now it is a very exposed part." .................................................... Yep, we noticed she thinks with her pussy.
• "What is this, the embracing Ana week?"
• "(...)he may have fifty shades of bad, but he's mine."
• "(...)but my inner goddess is smoldering and not in a good way."
• "I sigh and spy the Fifty Shades." Okay. Now Anastasia is calling Grey the fucking name of the book. Just awesome.

This was the most somniferous chapter for now.

The goddess isn't the only one laughing, Ana.

This must be the clumsiest Title Dropping ever.

The author title drops at almost every page. I haven't put all of them here, only the worst ones.

Laughing with no feeling and quitely weeping for the damnation of humanity that the success of the book represents.

It might be crying. I forget how feelings work.

Guess I'll play again today. Option 3 wins.



Nor boys, too.



Lucy can be a bitch, but not the stupid-popular-girl kind of bitch.



Also, she's bitchy.



Oh, and she's bitchy too.
And Chris, I don't think that telling how awesome Lucy is will help Lizzy here.

Remember to mention how tall and developed she is! And then offer Lizzy a rope _ _

Geez, very tactful, Chris. It's like meeting your ex and going on about how happy you are with your new boyfriend. Hang on, I've heard that before...



I love that guy, his songs are always good for an ironic, deeply cynical laugh.

Sexy, foxy evil masterminds.



Chris is a curious girl.



Here, let me fix it:
"Remembering the other day with Tim, I take a moment to run around the house and make sure the windows are properly opened and with signs written 'TIM, PLEASE ENTER HERE!!!!111!!!!!eleven!!!!!!!!'"

You can say this: "DON'T EVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, YOU BITCH!" I assure you that you'll succeed.



Chris is the most persistent person in the whole world.

At least she picked up.



Did your parents burst your eardrums?



Christina Robin Hood!



What?

Well, dumb as she might be, Chris can't be faulted for lack of patience or compassion.

And so the plot thickened.

Ooh got it.



Chris, you're dumb. You're utterly dumb. If she pretended you called the right number and told you to wait ten minutes, then she's gonna contact you in some way.



See?