Let's play Fatal Hearts - Because there aren't vampires enough these days

HAHAHAHAHAHHSASHJIAFNJUBANKFNASFNAIODJOIASJOANFJNJAFNSDKFSANDFJHIOAJKFJIOSDJFJSHUIFHAJ *laughing madly*
WHAT THE HOLY FUCK? This fanfic is composed by jewel sentences. I couldn't stop laughing for not even one second.
Really, what did they smoke to write this?
It's hilarious, so I hope this was supposed to be a comedy fanfic, 'cause if it is, it fulfills it's role.
This was supposed to be a comedy, right? Right?

Thirty Hs is trollfic at it's finest. In the second video there's also Pokémon.

I was watching some of this guy's videos:



He's the most hysterical player I've ever seen.

AAAAAAGH, MY COUSIN IS EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAILING ME TO GO TO THE MALL WITH HER!

I don't wanna go there. I'm still all broken up and sore from working out Wednesday. And psychologically shaken by that horrible, horrible scene.

You know what they sell in the mall? 50 SHADES OF GREY! I don't wanna see piles and piles of this book being sold like crazy. I'll just freak out and put the mall on fire! I can't...

Actually, I'm just too fucked up from exercising.

Use the fire excuse. It's more fun.

I'll just go. I'm all ready for it anyway. The update will come later than I told ya, then... Sorry guys.

Nah, it's fine. I just hope you're not overreaching yourself. Exercise exhaustion can really hurt like hell, especially two days after.

Aaaah my throat is all sore from laughing, that video is brilliant, all those verbal keyboard mashing. Been there, bro.

The Mall? That sounds like an MMO, I hate how they always offer special ultimate items to 'premium' gamers, totally throws off the balance.

When I was a child, I liked to imagine my life as a super-ultra realistic game. It was just awesome.
Sometimes I imagined I was a mermaid too.

Finally got home. This must have been the most boring trip to the mall I've ever had. Well, at least I didn't get to see the bookstore and its piles of Fifty Shades. And now I'm utterly tired and can't think properly. I guess I'll leave playing for tomorrow (AGAIN!)

I'm just useless.

I just found an OOOLD story I wrote when I was twelve, about a 12 years old angel that got down to hell and started studying there, got a boyfriend there, and lots of friends, yadda yadda.

This is damn better than 50 Shades of Grey.

Maybe I should do my adventures of this instead. It's like it isn't my book, 'cause I don't remember anything. It's been like, 10 fucking years I wrote this. And it looks like I was a terrible kid. This stuff is kinda gory.
Really, what was my problem?

EDIT - Just found a line here I just loved. Context: Her boyfriend was writing messages to her during classes, and she asked him to stop or the teacher could scold them. Then she thinks:
"As if the teacher could even care about messages, when there's people taking drugs on the back of the classroom."
I was a horrible, horrible kiddo.

When I was twelve I wrote a story about owning and caring for an imaginary horse. And a 120 page Pokémon fanfic when I was 14 where everyone seemed to be shouting every third line. In defense of it, it has a plot that moves a LOT faster than the anime.

I wrote two sci-fi novels when I was 12. One was an obvious Star Wars ripoff where the combined Luke/Princess Leia analogue wielded a "crystal sword" and preached a naive doctrine of pacifism that managed to convince everyone she spoke to. The other one I don't remember much, except that it involved mental illness and my grasp of that subject at age 12 was frankly embarrassing.

I also wrote a bunch of fanfic in high school and miss it a lot, but every time I try to write it nowadays I can't get past a drabble without everything falling apart. I don't think I'm any worse at plots than when I was twelve; I'm just better aware of how much I suck at them.

Well, recently, relatively, I wrote an 80 page story about time travel and speedway. For fun, because it involved real Danish speedway riders, but it had trippy dream sequences and everything. I was actually pretty proud of it. Mostly that I managed to finish, but also that I can read it and not cringe.

Oh my. This forum is apparently a secret elitist forum, where everyone reads high literature (and can spell that word) and finish high school at 14 and write their first novel before they're 20. Yandare and Onii-chans I can handle, but this might just be the final straw (unless DA2 lied to me, that is an idiom in English as well. If not, ignore that embarrassing translation faux pas).

In the words of a wider men, who could also spell the world literature (in Latin it's probably literaturus): Times are bad. Children don't listen to their parents and everyone is writing a book.
Poor Cicero, turning in his grave rapidly enough to produce electricity.

Final straw is indeed an idiom.

And I'm not sure fanfic counts as a novel. And I only read high literature as of this summer XD

I figure it counts as a novel if it's the length and structure of a novel. There's nothing saying novels have to be publishable.

EDIT: I don't read high literature. School ruined it for me and I never got over that.

No, don't try and weasel your way outta it, your terribly educated person. You know thingies, geography and history and other... Thingies. You people have been horrible to my self esteem. Damn you Denmark, you and your excellent education system!

I read lots of classic, in my misguided youth. Most of them were only interesting from an academic point of view, and not from a narrative one. So they might be fun to debate about, but not a fun read. There's always exceptions, of course (I think I mentioned Sans Famille? I still re-read it occasionally. The Prince and the Pauper, of course. Oooh, anything by Dickens, if that counts. And Jane Austen, those were a tough read, but fun. Daddy Long Legs was one of my first books in English~ Um. What were we talking about?)

Well, you know stuff too? Like how time zones work.
That's a real shame, I'm a huge bookworm, so it takes a whole lotta more then that to ruin a book for me.

I think I kinda wrote novels, since I never, ever wrote fanfic. I'm more comfortable with my own characters. When I was 6, I wrote a terrible moralist story about a studious girl and a slacker girl. And when I was, like, 10, I wrote a lot of terrible shit, but it was okay for my age: a story about a mini-elf-girl that is kinda like the minimoys but bigger (but I hadn't read Arthur and the minimoys at that time) that fell in love with a human; a story of a world where the women were candies and the guys were snacks, and the protagonist was a bonbon; a story about me and my 3 best friends in a magical land, and we were all spy witches, except one of them, that was a spy vampire.

Then with twelve I wrote this fallen angel girl stuff, which is kinda good, if I had the potential to hold the reader to the story and, well, write properly in general. I guess I'm gonna take this damn good concept and write it again in a better way. I just loved these characters.

I'm just gonna change her boyfriend a little. He's too dumb for my tastes. I'm gonna turn him into a smart motherfucker (but not brainy).

I write novels on the side, too, I'm just less prone to actually finishing them. I wouldn't call any of it very well-written either, though.

Education in Brazil REALLY SUCKS, but I guess my private school was worth it. I was never in those elitists private school that try to turn their students into gifted children and be in 1st place on the university entrance exam, though. It was a good but healthy education, I guess.
I was an intelligent child. I didn't study for no fucking tests and went okay, a lot of times better than people who killed themselves studying.
Unless it was Chemistry or Physics.

When I was twelve, I wrote many oneshots killing the main character in about ten different ways. And I liked that dude...it was all about his funeral or him dying in various tragic ways and there was one where a little girl poisoned him because of money and he realized his mentor's paranoia of trusting every single damn person.

I was a morbid child...

And how do you guys write such long stories? All my stories have to be oneshots if not I'll never finish them...

Public schools in Denmark are generally speaking pretty decent, but I was the sort of kid who did my homework out of a sense of obligation more than my actually needing it much. Once I got to high school I had to get used to actually working to understand things and in university I'm at best average. Poor as the chances for a job might be right now I look forward to graduating so I can be reminded I'm not always the stupidest person in the room, it's only when I insist on going to school with the top percentage.

I usually don't finish what I start, but I did manage to finish a thirty-page story on the relationship between Athens and Sparta between the Ionian Revolt and the dissolution of the League of Corinth.
It was my final history project.
I handed in a thirty-page yaoi fanfic for history class.
Yes.

I just figured out this fallen angel's story (let's name the bulls - Nathallya) was the bigger thing I ever wrote. Bigger because it's enormous, but I didn't finish it, and I remember the story would end when she was like, 16, and she's still in her 13.

HOLY FUCK, I JUST COUNTED! 132 pages. Wow. That's 2 years, so... The complete story would give like: 330 pages.

The only complete stuff I wrote was Tinta Vermelha (Red Paint), that was me a short time ago, trying to write a better vampire story than Twilight. I dunno how many pages it has, since I wrote it in my blog, but it had 13 kinda short chapters. And Paul, that I started 2 years ago and finally finished it, and it turned out fairly good in my opinion, but it only have 62 pages... :'(
I think I will do something about it. I mean, I just noticed there's some holes in the plot, and I will close them. I think I could describe some stuff better too.
And now I'm writing Kathleen, the domestic violent thingy. I have no idea how long this will get. I also started a lot of good stories I don't know if I'll ever finish, like a camping terror one; one about a hospital that kidnaps mythological creatures and makes horrible experiences with them; and one about a girl who woke up in a *nervous twitch* gray town *nervous twitch* with no memory at all, and tries to survive alone there. There were some short tales too, but they're too many to mention.

EDIT - OH, OH, I also tried to write a story about a poor girl who sold her soul to a demon to help her family.

I wish I got the nerve.

I am doing another speedway thing on-off, which I think would translate into 'Final turn/bend' in English. It's sort of a murder mystery thing that has some weird dating game elements insofar... well, give me a second.

I had to put together a speedway team for the story to happen around and since this was way before I knew that the hell otome was it's pretty hilarious in retrospect most of the guys fall into each their dateable guy in game category. The 'shota' is over 20, though, and he's mostly just cripplingly shy and insecure.

And a friend tossed some framework of a historical crimi at me, which I hope to get some serious work done for. I do a line of it when I have time, but so far I've mostly established the coroner is creepy as hell and the main character is following a long proud British tradition to be kind of an ass. Unintentionally, at least.

For instance (in tags for size):

I found the first 3 chapters of Red Paint translated in English here, 'cause I wanted to post it in an English site. It's crappy translated, though.
If anyone's interested:

I really want to do something vampire related one day. I have a line-by-line RP character I'd like for it, but I'm not sure I'd ever get it started. Besides, he's fine where he is, really. I think I just like him because he makes me think of Tom Mison.

So... erm... tell me... how'd things work out for Leonard?

What do you mean?

Weeeeell, mostly pertaining to how delicious he apparently was.

Aanh... If you want to know if she kills him in the end, she don't, but she tries to.

Here's chapter 2:

She reminds me a bit of Carmilla meets Lucy Westenrae. Quite the imposing lady.

I like them, but they're not even close to be my favorite characters. My friend fell in love for Leonard for no reason. I really don't know why.

Man that's sudden. I guess I was too lazy to roll the story a little.

I love vampire fiction. I have my own rules for how vampires would work in my universe figured out, but again, the plot is what kills me.

What are your vampire rules?

I know I wasn't asked, but I like to generally go with the UV mythos since it does an adequate job at explaining how vampires stay hidden. They scarcely ever feed to kill, their bite contains chemicals that leaves the victim so suggestible they can tell them to forget they were bitten (or do things that doesn't directly contradict their will), they really have a preservative attitude towards humans as far as we'd go to keep, say, cattle alive, they have increased speed and strength, they catch fire in daylight, no machine can see or record them, no reflection. I generally modify it a bit if the story needs it, though.

I read a lot of stuff on vampire lore and early vampire fiction and try to pick out bits that haven't been used. I've been playing around with a few different styles of vampire rules in different universes, but the one that's mostly unfinished that I wish I had a plot for features werewolves turning into vampires when they die and gaining their power from the moonlight (they can go out in sunlight, but only have powers at night, and gain supernatural healing when the moon is full). The head vampire is basically the immortal leader of the werewolf pack.

I like the idea that you see in a lot of legends of vampirism passing not (or not only) through bites, but something that happens to a dead person if they're evil/a wizard/cursed in some way, and I saw werewolves specifically mentioned in some of my research, so that's what gave me the idea. (The healing in the moonlight thing is from early vampire fiction, "The Vampyre" by Polidori and a few others.) I thought it might be a good twist on the usual "vampires and werewolves hate each other" thing.

I dislike werewolves, actually. Maybe because they're being used too much with this hate vampires thing. It's not my favorite supernatural creature at all too. I really don't know how to explain my dislike for werewolves, but well, I can take them.

That's actually a cool UV thing I forgot. They seem to have some sort of free-will imposed thing. Nothing gets said more in that series than "Nobody can make you do anything you don't want." - they will never 'cross over' someone against their will, though they'll go very far to make you want to cross over (IE the head scientist's husband crossed over, then did in their six year old daughter and implications were he'd have used that to convince her to join him if the priest leading the vampire hunters hadn't intercepted them and shot them with carbon bullets). They also cannot die. Prolonged sunlight, beheading, carbon in heart renders them ashes but vampire blood can cause those to regenerate. Garlic works as a stun gas and holy symbols repel them though the head scientist pegs that as a question of belief on both sides "In my opinion religion is a placebo, which isn't to say placebos can't work. They can be superstitious, too."