Let's play Fatal Hearts - Because there aren't vampires enough these days

I think Tim would be sexier if he was a vampire LOL

Werewolves never really interested me, which isn't to say I dislike them. And now I am remembering Oz...

When I found UV hilarious it's also because it dates 1998 like Buffy's first season and it's striking how much culture plays into fiction (actual scientific theory, this; I call it the Star Trek thesis since that was the example the book I read used). Buffy is ultimately about beating down the bad guy, all the vampires are evil and so is every monster and demon. On the other side you have UV that spends 80% of its screentime questioning if it's even fair to kill the vampires at all. I love that kind of stuff. When Political Science isn't driving me NUTS with the amounts of readin it requires, I like how what I learn can be applied to pretty much anything.

My adventures reading 50 Shades of Gray (Part 20):

Chapter 25. Anastasia enters the airplane to fly home. Then she trade email with Grey.
"Shit. Very well. God..."
She arrives at the airport and Taylor (some kind of Grey's servant) takes her to Christian's home.
Then it looks like there's some problem with Grey he's trying to resolve, and she asks Taylor what it is, but he doesn't tell.
She sees Grey and they obviously fuck, in the bathroom again, and thank God she's not in her period anymore.
"Jesus! Holy crap... God he's so delicious..."
They go to the playroom later that day.
"I see his bare feet and want to kiss until the last inch of them, my tongue through his skin, sucking each of his fingers."



"Watch out this little mouth of yours, Miss Steele, if you don't want me to cut it into slices. Understood?"
O_O
Take him literally, her mother said. R-r-r-r-really???????
He says that what he'll do will be intense. Then he blindfolds her and puts music in his IPod for her not to see or listen to him. And he takes a whip full of strips to beat her. And also binds her to the bed. And then starts fondling her with a fur glove. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's like those cat paw gloves I find to buy in anime cons! Then he starts whipping her. And she yells like a calf. Then he fucks her.
Well, that wasn't that intense. But as I said, nothing surprises me anymore.
Then he massages her. And tells her what she said during sleep: she talked about cages and strawberries, that she wanted him more and that she was missing him. ¬¬ Then she's like "oh, okay", and he asks what did she think it was and she doesn't tell.
"Hiding something from me, Anastasia? I'll have to torture you to steal it from you, (...)"
Mommyyyyyyy!!!

Jewel sentences:

• "And, because of his Fifty shadows, I refrain."
• "The takeoff has not yet started, so I could send an email to my Fifty Shades."
• "My inner goddess was confident for a specific type of humor;"
• "(...) a gaze that draws attention directly of my inner goddess, a sexy to carnal gaze in his fiery gray eyes."
• "With thee, Fifty Shades?" Ugh.
• "Over there, somewhere, hidden behind the goddess who I carry within me."
• "My subconscious fans herself with desperation and my inner goddess sways and convulses with a primitive carnal rhythm." That's an ugly scene.

ONLY ONE MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.... I... um... sorry... English is not my first languages but how in the world can you refrain yourself? Is that normal sentence structure?

SINCE WHEN IS THE SUBCONSCIOUS A GUY?

I don't know either. I guess I just translated it wrong.

Oh, I wrote it wrong. The subconscious is a girl I think, but I can't help but imagine it as a guy I dunno why, so...

Let's finally play.



Sort of what? I don't play for so long I don't remember what they were talking about.



Aaah, Lucy. Lucy, running away? Pffff why would she ever do that, mom? Stop being silly.



I guess we can trust mom. Right?

We definitely can't trust Chris' spy skills, anyway.

Best mom in the world!



I love mom too!!! *imaginary hug* It's the most rare thing in the world of VNs to find a mom that won't tell our friend's mom something we don't want her to tell!



Wait.

Elizabeth's almost a wolf belt pro already. It must be easy to use, 'cause she didn't put it many times.



No fun! Sinking in the mud is hilarious!



Being with Tim feels good too~




Oh, Tim, I missed you <3

I hope if you play again we hit another route where Mom features a lot. She's the best.

Oh, Tim, stop worrying about vampires and all people in town and let's elope. The power of our love will dissolve the vampire and then everything will be alright, I swear.



Wait, is he THINKING?



WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH RANDY?



Yes, Tim, don't trust him. This is an impostor.

.... wait, the plan was to attack at night at first?

Tim, you're dissapointing me terribly.

Dark and wet what?



They sure know the town a lot.



What? Weren't we hunting vampires?

Or maybe she just really hates Lucy.
By the way, is it just me or from the way Lizzy acts it seems that she has a crush on Christina? Marta is going to be so jealous... and Christina will be all "huh? I wonder why she is so angry."

My adventures reading 50 Shades of Gray (Part 21 AND FINALLY THE LAST ONE!!!!):

Chapter 26. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'LL FINISH THIS SHIT TODAY.
Anastasia wake up and Christian's playing piano and then he wants to fuck her on top of the piano and well, nothing surprises me anymore. Grey says the contract is obsolete. But he wants her to keep being his submissive and obeying the rules, because she didn't run off screaming from the Playroom so she doesn't need the contract anymore or something.
(This made me see the contract as some kind of legal abuse tool)
Then she read the rules again, and instead of writing something like "I read the rules of the contract yet again" or anything, the book shows the entire fucking rules for the 100th fucking time. Really. If I wanted to read this shit again, I could simply go back to the first time it was shown. This forced sausage filling is just ridiculous.
Then she rolls her eyes at him. And he say he will spank her for it. Then she faces him and say he must catch her first. HAHAHAHAHAHA she's so fucked.
Then he starts chasing her, and says it looks like she doesn't really want him to catch her, and she says that's because she doesn't want to, and that the punishment is like the touch to him. 'Cause he hates being touched. Then he's astonished and not pleased. Oh shit.
But hey, he's not angry! He's only sad. Like a cornered animal. NOW, ANASTASIA, PUT YOUR DOMINATRIX BOOTS ON AND TAME HIM! That's what I would do.
Then he's all emotional, and she doesn't tame him, and then he's all romantic and desperate, and then WTF? Is this book trying to make me PITY HIM? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NEVER!!!
Really, this book is like: "Oh, Grey just had a terrible childhood and is a broken person, that's why he's fucked up and terrible like that. But with love, Anastasia can save him." That's not how it works. Love can't always cure intense psychological disorders like this one.
Then she asks him to spank her to see how much can it hurt. Let's see if this will surprise me.
He suddenly change his behavior HAHAHAHAHA it's like he just made a scene for her to let him spank her. He takes her to the playroom and takes a belt, probably to whip her with it.
"I'm doing this so that you remember not to run from me, as exciting as it is, I don't want you to run from me" He's so sick I feel like analyzing him.
Then he spanks her with the belt REALLY HARD, but it's not surprising me anyway. Oh well.
She even cried this time. This must have hurt badly. But he's not being as scary as last time, so I'm TOTALLY ENJOYING THIS HAHAHAHAHA SHE DESERVES IT SO MUCH!!! And then this happen. It's too epic to only be mentioned:
"- Five. - My voice is more like a hiccup, embargoed and suffocated, and at this point, I think I hate him. One more. I can do one more. My back seems to be on fire.
- Six, - I whisper while searing pain cut through me again, and I hear him drop the belt behind me, and he's pulling me into his arms, breathless and compassionate... and I don't want anything from him.
- Let me go... No... - And I find myself struggling out of his reach, pushing him away. Struggling against him.
- Do not touch me! - I say enraged.
(...)
- That's what you really like? Me, like this? - I use the sleeve of my robe to wipe my nose. He looks at me warily - Well, you're a fucking motherfucker.
- Ana - he begs, shocked.
- Don't you dare call me Ana! You need to fix this shit, Grey! - And with that, I turn tightly, and leave the game room, closing the door quietly behind me."
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA YOU GOT SOME POINTS WITH ME THERE, BOOK!

HAHAHAHAHAHA man that's awesome. This last chapter is the best part of this fucking book for now. Or maybe that's just my brain protecting me from snapping out and committing mass murder like I said in my theory.
She hides herself in her bedroom, and then she thinks "oh, it isn't his fault, after all, he warned me". She's right, but anyway, I got back to hating this book again.
Then he enters the bedroom, 'cause she's so smart she can't even lock the fucking door when she's hiding from him. And then he's all romantic and desperate and sad again, asking her not to hate him. PFFFFFFFFFFFF
Then she says to him she fell in love with him.
And he's like "Ah, you can't love me, this is wrong!" 'cause he could never make her happy and shit.
Then she decides to leave HAHAHAHAHAH. And that's what she does. I never thought this book would end like this. But of course, there's 2 other books, and I heard they'll MARRY, so... Fucked up.
So the book ends like this: She curled up in her bed, hugging the helicopter balloon, full of pain on her ass and in her heart.
This is not really a ending. It's like they left it like this so that the incomplete feeling fills the reader so he'll buy the second book.
But you know what? There's NO WAY I'm reading any more of this.

Jewel sentences:

• "(...) I whisper as my pulse begins to quicken, and my inner goddess closes her eyes, reveling in the feeling of his lips on me."
• "My subconscious wore her Nike, and she is on the starting tacos." ...............
• "My subconscious fainted, and my inner goddess is trying to look brave."
• "The belt crosses my meat again." HOLY FUCK, IS THIS BELT THAT SHARP? 'Cause it sounded like it just cut her ass in half.
• "Why, why, why did I fall in love with Fifty Shades?" Because you're a shadowphile, m'dear.
• "My subconscious is shaking her head sadly, and my inner goddess isn't anywhere to be seen." YAY SHE'S GONE, LET'S PARTY!
• "I had the hope to drag my Fifty Shades to light, but it proved being a task beyond my poor abilities."
• "Deep down, an unpleasant thought comes unbidden from my inner goddess, her lip curled in a snarl..." Fuck, I thought you were gone.

AND FINALLY, I FINISH THIS!!! This is officially the WORST BOOK I'VE EVER READ AND HEARD ABOUT, and I have not a single pinch of curiosity to read the sequel.
But looking at the bright side, now I've got my "You can talk shit about this book as much as you like" diploma! HELL YEAH!
ALSO: NO MORE LIP BITING, NO MORE CHARLIE TANGO BALLOONS, NO MORE SCARY CHRISTIAN GREY LINES, NO MORE SUBCONSCIOUS, NO MORE COMPLETELY SICK, WRONG AND MISCONSTRUED SADOMASOCHISM, NO MORE INNER GODDESS!!!!!!
LET'S PARTY!

Maybe I should visit the psychologist just to be sure I'm okay.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are a very brave, very determined person, and I can't believe you made it through all of that BS. Wow.

Thank you. My determination surprises me.
But I'm sure I wouldn't take reading the second book. I would surely go mad and burn it before I even get in the middle of it. Reading this first book was a butt pain. If you get the pun.

Look, there are those lines that were supposed to be spiderwebs in Chris' first dream!



Oh really?



Maybe these are lasers. Or lines with wax.



And what do they do? They cut our heads off?

I think they catch flies.

I try for you, sweetie~



WE COULD SPRINKLE POWDER ON THEM AND SQUIRM TO PASS THROUGH THEN LIKE THEY USED TO DO IN TOTALLY SPIES!
I'm so smart!



Oh, Christina, so dumb as always.



What if they're lasers that can cut our heads off?



That's exactly what Chris' is planning. She's secretly behind all of this.

Ooooh, lasers. Lucy's dad must have taken his glasses off!

Fancy.



SEE GUYS THERE'S MY TOTALLY SPIES PLAN THERE!!! I'M JUST AWESOME!



Then mini-game.



OOOOH IT TOTALLY SAYS "VAMPIRE INSIDE"



Where's the penis?

Who could it be?



Why not? Edward and his family had a lot of them



Not empty. There's the vampire there. Anyway, I know of bigger houses where only one person lives in.

Vampires do love old crumbly buildings, don't they? Doesn't seem very responsible when a ray of sunlight can ash you.

Yeah, makes no sense. Anyone at the cult could do this.



But the cult...



'Kay, Timmy~



Oh, I noticed them windows. It's better this vampire have a nice coffin, or he couldn't stay in there at all during the day.

Courageous girl. But no.



LITERALLY MESSY!



Yep, let's just make like Randy's impostor said.



And when will you romance us, Tim?

What do you mean, "no traps"? What's those spiderlasers then?



To make love~?



HELL YEAH, THE STUFF! WE'RE TOTALLY GET DOPED TONIGHT!

Are you being sarcastic? I didn't get it.



No, Chris, are you CRAZY? We're in their "wanted" list, AND we're doing drugs!



Yeah, we would only be arrested.

Stuff? How ARE you addressing good old stupid Randy? Imposter might be smarter, but Randy meant well!

It's sad but it's true.



But... Then he wouldn't be honest anymore.



Yeah, you can't revive people with money.



Huh?



Who? Who died? Have I missed something?

Why do this song lyrics remind me so much of Christian Grey?



Sorry song, I know I've offended you, but I just can't help myself.

Well, I suppose an honest cop could be blocked by money and power indirectly by being warned off by a corrupt leading offier?

Yep, maybe.

Now, more importantly, somebody died. I assume one of the murdered girls was a friend/relative/girlfriend of Randy's?

Why are you pointing at me?

Chris: TIM. I. AM. YOUR. FATHER!
Tim: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



I don't get what's happening here.



Is that even a question?
But well, votes open.

Talk to Tim. Can't switch tracks now!

Tim. And Eric went around looking for teens with a tragic loss in their baggage?

Eric, you read too many damned comic books.

Talk to Tim, obviously.

Also I must really commend you for actually making it through that book - you have the dedication of a thousand people.

(Even if I may suggest spending it differently to avoid damaging yourself too much)

Talk to Timmy-Tim-Tim~ *rainbows and sparkles*

...so are Lizzie and Marta officially a thing or is it just subtext?

/has constant yuri-goggles on/