Let's Play FFTA! (there's no place like home~)

Gotta love how Doned just forgets about his brother probably helping him throughout his entire wheelchair-bound life once he can walk, then sells him off to hitmen. I hate Marche too, but what the hell?

Yeah what a bitch :/ , I understand the now he can walk but to sacrifice your brother?! bros before legs!

Even though Marche is silly, he is more down to earth than the rest of kid, he and Ritz are the only kids that I like <3

-- Procrastinating on update to bring you this news

That is all

Doned has no skills and isn't fit enough to join a clan. How else is he going to make money? This way he gets to keep up with what his bro is doing and send him valuable exp while getting paid. It's win-win. Not everybody is fortunate enough to swindle a nice moogle like Montblanc out of his life's work on their first day in Ivalice, ya know.

If only that were his true intention :(

Jerky-vending is immensely popular.

Sounds cool, brah.
Let's kill him.

"..."
"D-Don't misunderstand or anything! I'm here because of your pitiful inability to take hits, okay? I'm still a white mage at heart! And besides, I need to brush up on my combat, too!"
"..."
"So don't get mad if I steal your kill, okay?
"..."
"J-Just shut up and start the battle!"

Not really, but--
"I'll take you all on!"
Okay.

...
I think he's compensating for his name. Yep. This dude's actually pretty impressive: He's got Strikeback, which means there's no way to hit him with melee attacks, and he actually counters, too. Milly doesn't actually know any offensive-type spells, so she struggles before Catrine uses Nightmare on him to put him to sleep and doom him to death as soon as they wake up.
For the next three turns, they stare quietly at the doomed sleeping man and at each other.



and then they decided to go home

Milly sulks at her continued lack of importance in the last mission by drowning herself in booze potions Tappei missions

Clearly the sun was evicted from its house. Dang economy.

... Are you implying we should go loot the ruins of a clocktower? GOOD IDEA.


"..."
"..."
"... I'll pull my own weight this time."

Milly was more prepared this time.She mastered White Flame, a healing spell, so now she's got Sliprain in her arsenal, too. Except

"-grumble-..."
I am kind of a moron.

It's not really a problem since all the monsters target Catrine, though. I mean, until the fairy has the gall to hit Milly and Catrine OHKOs her.

"It's not like I'm repaying you or anything."

And then Eponine was suddenly displaced as Milly's best friend.

More missions! More! Delay the story as long as possible! Keep Aho angsting!

Into the woods and through the fear, you have to make the journey! (and then kill all of the panthers.)


...
Such a quandary... 2000 gil is enough to buy one whole pair of shoes...
............

LET'S ROLL


Well, glad to see Ahocopter's back to normal, at least.
After defeating him and his friends:

The moral of the story is journalism is serious business.

Sent Milly out on a Metal Hunt mission again, but Catrine stumbled upon another clan.

"..."

"......"
In the end, she got a yellow card for using White Flame to heal herself when she used up her Auto-Revive, but besides that, managed to kill everyone without too much difficulty. I think a solo run would work quite we--

"I can summon unicorns now."

And huzzah, a new clan member! ... Guys, I'm actually running out of personalities. Just imagine her and the other underused units are all playing poker in the pub or having a rave party or something.

Oh, this is what our map looks like, by the way:

I clumped the jagds and the deserts around where the royal palace is supposed to spawn during the endgame because why not
We're up in Muscadet right now, probably gonna be hanging around there a lot what with an entire clan of vieras and all.

I kind of like to pretend that this shopkeeper is blind but she can smell your money.
Yep.

And these are our clan stats! We're named after our greatest stat, I think. With all the hunts for metal, I'm not really surprised we're regarded as master smiths now. Our combat is 20 now, negotiation is 31... ... ... I have no idea what those other things are. And yeah, we have no turf since Giza Plains fell while Catrine was out taking all the dispatch missions. Ahaaaaaa good riddance~
We have 18 party members right now: Ahocopter, Montblanc, Nan, Hilary, Milly, Catrine, Eponine, Colleen, Loki, Eldena, Bonita, Kiana, Mua, Katejina, Katie, Mikella, Nana, and Thelma. Man, time sure does fly~
Oh, by the way, we have Excalibur.
So that's it for the recap, I think.

Next storyline mission: Quiet Sands!

Yes, Ahocopter, that is kind of how quietness works.
So he turns around and meanders for a while until ENTER: THE BISHOUNEN

"Your future kawaii seme bishie yuri princess worst nightmare."

Anything you say, hat <3

"The palace!"
And Ahocopter is as good at verbalizing his ideas as he always is.

Llednar steps forward, his cool gaze unflinching. Ahocopter slowly backs away, until the marvelous hat other boy suddenly looks off to the side.

What opened? Your kokoro?


Fifth and final crystal~!

I wish there were more crystals :(

... grumble grumble stealing my lines
"Who was that guy, anyway? Wonder if he's still around."

Well, that was answered pretty quickly.
Ah~ Llednar~ Just the two of us here~ Alone~ No judges to watch over us, no clan members to interrupt us~ Here in this dark, cold realm, lit only by the burning of these torches and the burning in our hearts <3

... So cold :c

He charges his sword, preparing to murder us to death aaaand



CID
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW
Even though I'm a masochist who wouldn't even mind dying at the hand of this handsome fourteen-year-old sociopath

Cid turns to Llednar and pulls a card out of his... um... armor-pockets or chocobo bags or whatever




Yay! Now it's illegal for him to Omega us into oblivion! ... You know, 'cause it wasn't illegal before.
Llednar calms down and puts away his sword.

"And I so wanted to use Omega..."
Llednar laments his inability to murder us without Cid and Queen Remedi getting all up in his grill while Cid turns to Ahocopter again.

"You cannot hope to win against him!"

Aho wants to destroy this world as quickly as possible, self-preservation be damned!
Llednar interrupts their discussion by raising his hand



I call hacks.
So. Hard.

'Tevs, let's just do this already~
The mission objective this time is to defeat the boss! In other words, just Llednar! Ready~ Fight!

These are his stats and equipment, by the way, from the middle of the battle, hence his 141/153 MP.
...............
Eight years later, I still have absolutely no idea what a Biskmatar is. Biskmataaaaaaar... What do you mean... Biskmatar Biskmatar Biskmatar...

But it's so obvious!

With the entire backwards theme going on, Biskmatar is Ratamksib spelled backwards--oh, crap. That doesn't make any sense either.

Well, maybe when a Bisk and a Matar love one another, they make little baby Biskmatars.

...
That makes an extraordinary amount of sense.
Eponine, Milly, and Catrine, ready to rock the four underlings while Ahocopter goes head to head with Llednar~

Beneath that cool gaze lies... nothing... It gives me the shivers... Llednar...
"What did Cid mean, "You cannot hope to win"?"

Thanks for the clarification, Llednar!

... Can you put it in layman's terms, Lleddy?


Ahocopter's so mad that he moves to the left and doesn't do anything.

Llednar is Gary Oak reincarnated.

It's all clear to me now.

I'm not sure if that makes Llednar more attractive or less.
Next turn, after Eponine granted Milly Auto-Life (Summoners are pitifully slow and pitifully defenseless, so Milly's gonna need it) and Milly summoned a unicorn to heal Catrine and Catrine murdered a fairy in cold blood:

Aaaand there's the reason we can't beat Llednar~ All damage is nullified! He's even immune to status ailments, I think! Why? Because he's the queen's workbitch, that's why.
Ahocopter's so mad that he turns around and swords that Bangaa dude in the side instead.

"Maybe it's like Judgemaster Cid said...I'm too weak."
Or maybe it's just because the kid hacks.

The screen darkens, and once again, Llednar unsheathes his sword and prepares to strike deep into Aho's heart I mean general vital organs...


Uninstall, uninstall~ With these hands of mine, I will delete them all~


Oh boy oh boy!

The red card sends Llednar to his knees and instantly teleports him to the Sprohm prison, where he will presumably be let out immediately, but it'd take days to go from Sprohm to the desert~ ... Unless he hacks again.
Anyhow! The boss is unable to battle! Clan Hatoful wins!

Neat.

"If you wish to go back, I'll take you outside the seam."
Ahocopter shakes his head. "Nah, we're going to stay here and finish killing these-- I mean."

Because that's what we're here for. World-destroying. Right. Last crystal. Last world-thread. Just have to shatter that and the world will have no more pillars. No pressure.
...

Ahocopter collapses onto his knees and the screen fades to black.
Next up, the final crystal room~!

Guys, clearly Twem being the JRPG equivalent of Gary makes him more attractive.

I'm offended you guys even considered the alternative.

So what happens if you use an insta-death cheat on him?

Nope :<

Also Mata mean kill in Spanish, that make a little of sense no?

He's immune to OHKO moves and stuff like that and all damage is immediately nullified, but I dunno what would happen if there were actually a cheat like that.
I'm just going to assume that would result in a tear in the fabric of the universe and transform Ivalice into a world of yaoi manga.

Do it.

But make some backup if you will going to try it ok~

Okey dokey then, this LP is going to be delayed for a couple days while I try to make crappy fake screenshots of Ahocopter and Llednar being yaoi bishies, uguu~
NICE HATS
OMEGAS
MAKE A GIRL GO KYAA~ KYAA~
THAT'S THE WAY THEY ALL COME THROUGH LIKE KYAA~ KYAA~ KYAA~ KYAA~

It would finally allow the bangaa to live up to their name.

Montblanc: I have a fanfic that involves two Lamia, Twem and one very confused crippled boy. Also copious amounts of adamantite and creamed corn, Kupo.
Aho: Please stop sharing your otaku stuff with me, or I'll kill you in a Jagd again.
Montblanc: Fine, I'll tell Ezel, he loves this stuff.
Catrine:.....

Ezel-sama would love some fine drama fanfics~

..........
I'm not sure if I'm sorry or not...

I feel sorry for knowing the reference, I also watched all the series :P

Brokenforum ~ where everything we touch turns to yaoi.

Twem... that is not how blacksmithing and metallurgy work. Stop it.
And we know, because our clan kinda rocks at smithing. Metal Hunt 4eva, m-I-rite?

I believe it has been established that Llednar is a cheating bastard. -nodnod-

Huh wha-- Ohhhh riiiight, forgot! I was playing a game that didn't involve yaoi or cosmic Pokemon horrors!
So Ahocopter goes ahead and approaches to fifth and final crystal.


Hi there, lady~

He takes a step forward, but then the totema speaks.


?! -stares at portrait- -stares at overworld sprite-
... Was there a major disagreement between the artists or something?!

Ohhh no please don't self-destruct please please please

...
Well then.

That's not an answer, Ahocopter. Minus five points!

"Don't you, too, Ahocopter? Deep down, don't you?"
He hangs his head.


"If you went back, you'd just be a normal boy again!"
Though, with that gigantic cowlick, I don't exactly think he'd be considered normal anywhere...

The totema transforms again, this time intooo

"I can do anything I want here!"
To wear my old jeans~ To eat a whole cake~ Feel the sun on my feet~ Be quiet~ Be crazy~ And be able to walk.

To sell by own brother out~

And wear really, really silly-looking clothes~


"Or a sorceror , casting spells... changing the world! Just like a game! Isn't this what we all wanted?"
"And I don't have a crippling disease that forces me to check into the hospital on a regular basis!"

"Just try doing half the stuff you can do here back home!"
Doned really wants to get his big bro arrested, doesn't he


Mewt baby~
Well, you were considerably more huggable back on page 2...

I sure am glad I got all that yaoi out of my system.


-- Low blow, Totema-Mewt!

"Dad's always at work and Mom's always looking after Doned."
He looks away.

"We're a lot alike, Ahocopter. I know how it is..."

Ahocopter, quietly wondering if Mewt's a stalker or something.

Join the dark side, Ahocopter~ We did not destroy 4/5ths of the world's pillars to pussy out, Ahocopter! Go go Aho!

"But...I know we can't stay here forever. It's wrong!"
Ahocopter, saying "It's wrong" over and over again a solid argument does not make. Elaborate!--


... I wonder if this totema is secretly a Ditto...


Ahocopter's really losing patience with all the I'm-going-to-guilt-trip-you-by-transforming-into-your-loved-ones stuff. Considering he actually does play JRPGs himself, I'm not surprised.

"That's right! You're even tough enough to take on yourself!"

You should really learn to take a compliment, deary~

"Always thinking with your head--denying what you want!"
Well of course, it's perfectly natural for a teenage RPG protagonist to have super repressed issues! Silly totema-Ahocopter~

"You're not me.
You're not anyone...
You're a totema!"

Quietly, the Ahocopter illusion slides to the right.

One by one...


And then...


It's time to rock.
...
Eventually. Kiiiind of addicted to Star Project now BYE AGAIN, CLAN HATOFUL, DITCHING YOU TO ABUSE MY HANDSOME SOURCE OF REVENUE~

STAR PROJECT. At first I thought Touya was annoying, but then I got Ren and I wanted to beat the crap out of him. But at the point I'm in in the game, I'm earning money pretty well with Touya ufufufufufu... I had to stop playing though, because it's too addicting and Ren was draining my wallet (damn contract)...