Let's Play: The Room Tribute, because you're tearing me apart!

WARNING: Slightly NSFW in context, but it's not much since there's no actual graphical sex scenes or anything. There are some really small pixelated naughty bits, but I'll try to leave them out. Except butts.

So, one night, after some heavy drinking and a healthy dose of masochism, I've decided to do an LP on a game based on one of the most fantastically bad movies of all time.



Unfortunately, not this one.



...*weep*

For those of you who're lucky enough (or unlucky, since you're really missing out on one of the biggest LOLfests ever) to have never heard of it, "The Room" is the infamous brainchild of Tommy Wiseau, and focuses on the love triangle between a banker (Johnny), his fiance (Lisa), and his best friend (Mark). The plot sounds simple enough, but it's called the "'Citizen Kane' of bad movies" for a reason; the plot inconsistencies, sheer logic, plethora of abandoned subplots and the scripting are more than enough to live up to that title. And even though you'll suffer plenty of conniptions from watching it alone, paradoxically, it's one of the best things that you'll ever see.



To really get a feel of what you're in for, though, you can watch the Nostalgia Critic's review on it. It'll be worth your time. Really.

But, without further ado:



LET'S DO THIS.

DAT MOVIE.

DAT FACE.

DAT GAME.

(ah, the memories...)

I shall sit here in anticipation!

OMG THIS MOVIEEE me and my friend watched it once I wish we didn't. We were both dyinggg. Especially the the flowershop scene XD I didn't know there was a game...
Some of my fave lines were: I DID NAWT HET HURRRR. OH HAI DOGGY. *okay I'll stop*

Before we begin our journey to enlightenment, here's a quick guide to some of the main characters in The Room:


Johnny, a successful banker. He is cuckolded by his future wife Lisa, and will be your source of many lols to come.

Lisa, Johnny's "future wife". She's greedy, selfish, and the game makes her look more pudgy than she really is.

Mark, Johnny's best friend. His good looks are wasted on this film.

Denny, Johnny and Lisa's...adopted...kid...friend...something. It's agreed by many that he's not really right in the head.

Claudette, Lisa's mother. She has breast cancer and no one cares.


The game will be played from Johnny's point of view, so some scenes from the movie may not show up. I'll also aim (or at least try) to do a 100% on the game's content, including the Easter eggs.

You poor brave soul.

I just can't believe that after Point Break Johnny Utah fell so far as to make a video game of The Room.

The game starts off with Lisa and Denny weeping in front of Johnny's grave. Sadly, he doesn't kill himself until the end of the game (which he really should've done at the beginning anyway), which means that we're left to sit through this clusterfuck.

Yay!



Cue the famous title scene. To anyone who's watched the film: I'm sorry if you're currently suffering any kind of post-traumatic fit.


The game sends us to the beginning of these events, two weeks prior to Johnny's untimely death. It opens with a lovely scene of Johnny's workplace, the Bank of San Francisco. Not that the film ever explains or shows him working there. Get real, you can't expect that from a film with a working budget of 6 million dollars.



Oh, Johnny. You have no idea what you're in for.
(Also, look at his handsome pixellated face.)

Right after he says this, the screen promptly shakes with a rumbling sound.

Whoa! Was that an earthquake?



Mark books his sweet pink car past the bridge in record time. No, don't get fooled by his cool shades. He later devolves into a pile of non-logical crap like everyone that's involved in this movie.

Holy crap, Johnny! Did you feel that?
Oh hai Mark! Yes, I did! By the way,"hai" won't even sound like a word anymore by the time you're done with this game.
This is very bad. The bridge just collapsed right behind me!
Are you OK Mark?
Yeah Johnny, just very shaken up.

Almost conveniently, Claudette makes an appearance!



(A small note: For anyone who's never watched anything related to The Room, this scene never actually happens in the film. The thing is that The Room literally has more holes in its plot than the Swiss cheese at your local market. The game actually goes out of its way to cover them up by adding a bit of this and a bit of that, and it does it incredibly well. Yes, I know this isn't one of those moments, but it's worth mentioning before I forget.)

Oh hai Claudette! Yes, we are fine! Is Lisa OK?
Yes, Lisa is fine but a bit shaken up.

Kudos to the creators who even wrote the script like Tommy Wiseau would've.

I better get home and comfort her!
Now Johnny, as my future son-in-law I expect you to provide for Lisa. Lisa has been eyeing up a red dress at the dress shop. Now would be a perfect time to give her a gift.
OK Claudette, whatever you say!
I'm very busy so I gotta run. See you guys later!
I'm meeting Shirley for coffee so I need to run as well.
Need a ride?
Sure!

A WEEPING ANGEL! DON'T LOOK AWAY LISA AND DENNY!
(who builds a gravestone like that anyway? He is neither an important societal figure nor filthy rich...)

DAT CAR.

Wow.

XD we're going to be hearing OH HAI *insert name here* a lot aren't we?

Because he can't be normal like the rest of the people in the graveyard.

Oh my Vimorik, you're a braver soul than me, and I actually watched that movie (well, not all of it, because it was at a friends mock party, and I arrived when the thing was 20 minutes in). And that, after all that group watched the Nostalgia Critic review months before.

This movie joins with Ecks Vs Sever the pantheon of "Movies whose game adaptations are way better than them".

Here's every use of "Oh hai" in the movie.
You're welcome.

Mark and Claudette take their leave before they get anymore mentally scarred by Johnny's handsome gorilla features.



I better get moving!

Yes, let's get going. We have a new quest to get on with!



The Room Tribute is a simple point-and-click adventure, which means that you'll be clicking a lot, of course. This is because you'll only have just enough brain cells to do so while you're playing this.



We make our way to the dress shop to buy a red dress so Lisa will look so sexy in it, hahah!



DOGGY!

Hi Johnny! Sorry, your tuxedo isn't ready yet.
I was actually thinking I might buy a dress for my Lisa!
That Lisa is one lucky girl.

And you are one blind person.

Johnny purchases the red dress. It's worth noting that the game's given us 6 million dollars for spending purposes.

My Lisa will love this dress.



We make it back home so Lisa can try on her new sexy dress, hahah. Because he'd do anything for his gurrl.

Aww don't tell me they changed the flower shop scene to this. At least the doggy is still there. He's my favourite customer~

We're at Johnny's apartment! But we're going to snoop around for a bit first.



That's right, you can't escape from the catchphrase even around inanimate objects!



To the right is Mark's residence. Mark's not here, so we're gonna take a peek since we're already snooping-



OH JESUS



Silver lining? 1 down, 5 to go!

...fuck you, game. ;____;

As well as these disturbing moments, we also have spoons littered around the whole damn game and Denny's diary to look forward to for 100% content completion. The spoons are needed for the best ending (really, depending on your perspective), and there's a spoon right here in the fireplace, so let's grab that before we forget.

Why spoons? Because Tommy Wiseau, that's why.



You can keep track of spoons on the right hand corner. They even come with a nifty little description.



Which, if you're wondering, does nothing for gameplay at all. They're just little easter eggs.

And then I realise that I've missed a spoon because of cougar-smooching trauma, so I make my way to the now-broken bridge, which is located to the left of the bank.





Neat.

We go and stalk Denny's room. Don't worry, he'll make an appearance quite soon.



What a dump. Literally, too, if you're wondering what's in the bucket.

My Lisa is so beautiful.

Whatever, Johnny. That lone diary to your right is ripe for the stalking and of much more interest.



"Elizabeth and I had a nice date last night. I would rather go hang out with Johnny and Lisa, though."

It's alright, Denny. We all love you too! (You poor soul.)

1 diary entry down, 8 to go!

After much loitering we finally go and give Lisa her sexy red dress.



Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said they made her look more phat than she is.



MAHOU SHOUJO TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE GO~

Wow you look so sexy Lisa!
Isn't it fabulous?
I would do anything for my girl!

And then a wild Denny appears!



Oh hai Denny!
Wooow! Look at you!
It's from Johnny.
Anything for my princess! Ah hah hah hah!
How much was it?
Denny! Don't ask a question like that.
Nice to see your Denny! I'm going to take a nap.

Johnny is going to take a "nap" in the vaguest definition ever.



Denny what the hell. ಠ_ಠ

Johnny takes this in all very nonchalantly. And laughs it off too! Like a baus.



Denny, I think I'm gonna join him.

Lisa goes up the stairs, and we get the objective to "join Lisa for naptime".



Johnny laughs. A lot. It's not even an understatement. His laugh creeps into your ears like a worm, and his chuckle will haunt you forever while it makes permanent residence in your brain.



But Johnny doesn't want to go to naptime just yet. He's decided that he's going to do some shopping first.



And up the road...



Sound explanation! As for shopping, we're going to the Electronics Store so we can get a tape recorder to RECORD EVERYTHING when the time comes. (We probably don't need this just yet, but I got it earlier on just in case.)



San Francisco has become a small, lonely island.


They let you record everything!

Well, what are we waiting for, then?



Damn right, Johnny.

Thanks Johnny, you're my favourite customer!

We grab a few spoons before we head back into the apartment.





We skipped this one while heading to the store. Well, it's ours now.





We're back! Denny's making himself at home.





Nice to see that you're getting comfy.

Stealth check success! Johnny runs into the kitchen before Denny notices his presence.





Spoon, you are my only salvation in this game.

SPOON CHECK: 5/10!



One last thing to do before we proceed...



Because hooking up a tape recorder to a phone is just how they work.

But enough postponing. Time for Johnny to go upstairs and get some!

We finally go up to the bedroom to partake in one of the film's many gratuitous sex scenes. (No, there aren't any in this game, so zip your pants back up!)



You can honestly make a drinking game out of how many times he's laughed in the movie. Actually, if you do, tell me how it goes! I'll give you a pound if you manage to come out not wasted.



Oh hai Den- I mean NO DENNY WHAT ARE YOU DOING




Ohh, Denny, Denny boy.
Denny, two's great, but three's a crowd! Hah hah!

Maybe you're right, Nostalgia Critic. Maybe they're just all really high on Xanax.

I get it. You guys wanna be alone!
That's the idea!
Fine. I have homework to do anyway. Bye lovebirds!
Bye Denny!

Denny leaves, and the couple, both undettered, continue to get it on.



However, the game is merciful and does a fade to black to avoid giving you any excessive trauma of naval fucking from the original movie.



We skip right to this save scene, so hopefully it means that there won't be any pixelated dicks or-



FFFFUUUUUUU-

She looks like she's dead. Why does she look like she's dead?

I can really feel the love and effort that has been put into making this game.

I know, right? It's insane how much time they spent on something like this. XD

Don't worry, she's not dead. It's just her brain. (Actually, disregard that, everyone in this film is pretty braindead to a certain extent anyway.)

Apparently, naval fucking is Lisa's idea of a night well spent.



And thus another workday begins! But we can't go to work smelling like an ass, so we're getting Johnny into the shower to rinse off his Lisa-stink. (Man, look at that body. He obviously works out.)



This is the naughtiest thing on the Let's Play thread that I will be forcing you to look at. You're subjected to Wiseau's ass-waggling as well!

Johnny now smells much less nauseating from steamy donkey sex. Off we go-



...or not. I guess San Francisco's not too big on streaking.



Lookin' fine. We stop at Denny's place to peek at his diary before we go to work.



"I just like to watch Johnny and Lisa, but they never let me. I get it though, they just want to be alone."

We're so glad you understand, Denny. Really.

Why is there two toilets in one bathroom...
right next to each other...

WHY IS THIS THE GREATEST GAME I HAVE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

They don't really give much love to Denny, do they? Just look at that room.

I think the smaller one's a bidet. At least I hope it's one. wait no what am i saying what

From the wise words of Tommy Wiseau:

"If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live."

Heigh ho, heigh ho, it's off to work we go~



We meet our boss!



We've put your ideas to work and the bank is making lots of money.
That is great! I get my promotion?
Sorry Johnny, not yet.
But I'm saving you lots of money!
Just a few more weeks, Johnny. You're our favourite employee. And my favourite cashcow!

Johnny leaves work despondent over that conflict. Well, at least you can assume that he is. I can't really tell.

Lisa's mom pops up at the bank for the sake of bugging Johnny some more.



Get off my nuts, Claudette!



Sorry Claudette, no. They say a few more weeks.
If you're going to be my son-in-law, you will need to buy a house.
I know, Claudette.
Well don't go home empty-handed. At least get Lisa some flowers before you break the news.
I hope your wrinkly ass get deported to outer Mongolia by the time this rolls over.

We haul ourselves out of of there before Claudette can make anymore demands.



And we're getting that bitch some red roses.



Bitches love red roses.

Oh, god. It's this game. I remember playing this a long time ago (I even went so far as to get 100% on it) and I'm pretty sure it's still one of the most bizarre games I've ever played. I haven't seen the movie and after playing this and seeing some highlights, I'm not sure I need to...

Anyway, I'm definitely going to watch this. We've only just started with the insanity.

Dear god, the movie... :'D Just the other day both Twitter and Facebook suggested I follow/like Tommy Wiseau and now I find this? Surely I must be cursed and the only way to lift the curse is to like every single update to this LP. Surely.

Oh hai guys! I'm glad that you guys like it so far.

Moving on to where we left off!



Can I have a dozen red roses please?
Oh hi Johnny I didn't know it was you! Here you go!
That's me. How much is it?
It will be $18 dollars.
Here you go! Keep the change!
You're my favourite customer!
Thanks a lot! Byeee!

To those who haven't watched The Room before, no, I wasn't high while I was typing the dialogue. This whole scene literally plays out like if someone mistook their Scrabble set for the movie's script. Don't believe me? Take a look at gertrudetherobot's video that's been posted a while back:

Also, that shopkeeper sure does seem to appear a lot in this game...






We bring these roses back to our freeloading future wife in hopes that she won't despair too much on the bad news.



Johnny master of tact! Johnny sad. Johnny wants gratuitous naval fucking tonight so Johnny less sad!
Thanks honey, they're beautiful! Did you get your promotion?
Naaah.

The mood dampens as he says so. Lisa is evidently a bit upset.



Yes, I know Johnny's a downright neanderthal, but how braindead must you be to not understand "naaah"?

That son of a bitch told me that I would get it within three months. I save them bundles. They crazy! I don't think I will ever get it. They betray me, they didn't keep their promise, they trick me and I don't care anymore.
Did you tell them how much you save them?
Of course what do you think? They already put my ideas into practice!



I couldn't resist a snicker here. This line is so gorgeously delivered in the film without any believable intonation whatsoever. Shakespeare of our century, folks.

*really bad poker face* I still love you!
You're the only one who does.
At least you have friends. I didn't get any calls today. You're right. The computer business is too competitive. Do you want me to order a pizza?
Whatever, I don't care.
I already ordered a pizza.

Freakin' Nostradamus! Johnny does his Satanic migraine-inducing laugh again.

Ha ha! You think about everything. Ha ha.
What's the matter? Are you alright? It's just a lousy promotion. You know what you need? You need a drink.
I don't drink, you know that!

Lisa totally ignores him and goes to the kitchen to fetch a drink of vodka and...scotch...wine mix? Whatever was shown in the movies. But it looked pretty damn disgusting.





That's what they said about pre-dinner mayo in Swedish Meal Time and it DID NOT HOLD UP TO THAT PROMISE.

I feel like making fun of this is somehow wrong, like it doesn't deserve it because it doesn't know any better - as if they didn't know what they were making. I hope I'm right. By God, I hope I'm right.

Vimorik, in all honesty, it's your commentary that makes The Room: Tribute bearable for me. I wouldn't be able to stomach this otherwise.

(Your commentary, and the collectable spoons.)

If you meant the game, I'm sure that they knew exactly what they were doing, and they are trolls for doing it so marvelously well. If you meant the movie, it's probably exactly as you've said. But I like to delude myself into thinking that Tommy Wiseau is just the greatest troll of our generation for concocting this anus of a masterpiece, and that he does his satanic chuckle every time he looks down at his mindfucked victims.

I do see where you're coming from, though. Nonetheless, it's hard not to poke fun of what has to be one of the most LOLworthy things in existence.

I once tried sitting through this movie all in one sitting. It was then that I learned something important: watching reviews doesn't do this movie justice. Reviews dampen the effect and add the humor this film is sorely lacking. It is bad. It's so bad that I couldn't even finish it. I made it to the halfway point and had to stop. Since that fateful day, even when reading the text here, I can hear Tommy Wiseau's voice in the back of my mind, laughing, laughing...

That being said, this game and your commentary are hilarious. Looking forward to more!

You must be crazy! I can't drink this.
If you love me, you'll drink this!

Johnny backs down to his future wife and sucks it up because he's got about as much backbone as a tofu.



What is not depicted: Johnny grimacing as he pukes a bit inside his mouth.

I know, I am right. Don't worry about those fuckers you're a good man. Drink and let's have some fun!

The couple starts to get frisky, screen fades to black, and...


-SOME TIME LATER-






What is correctly depicted: Lisa's state of mind on a daily basis.

You have nice legs Lisa!
You have nice pecs.



What happened to not drinking? For like, ever? Meh, we'll set aside that problem for now. It's not as important as Lisa totally wanting to get it on with Johnny, after all.

Come on make love to me.
Meh...


...Is that a backbone I see growing?

YES, JOHNNY
BE A MAN
STAND UP FOR YOURSELF


Come on! You owe me one!
I love you Lisa!

DAMMIT JOHNNY YOU WERE SO CLOSE.

I love you, Johnny!
Ha ha!

Well, I guess not all is lost. Johnny gets some nice lovemaking to compensate for his horrible day.



I totally missed the chance to take this photo for Wednesday, but I got this one. The save function scene is nicely complimented by the liquidy sound Johnny's eyes make when they open. It's gross and I don't know how else to describe it. XD



But it's totally fine because it signifies the start of a new day! The third one, to be exact. There are about nine days total to play through in this game, so sit tight! We've got tons more insanity and Wiseau's laughter to go through!

Holy crap his facial expression in that last picture is terrifying.