Let's Romance a Dashing Pirate! (Plundered Hearts LP)

Plundered Hearts is a classic tale of romance, gallantry, and crocodile wrestling. We begin aboard the Lafond Deux, a schooner bound for the West Indies. Our heroine received a disturbing letter from Jean Lafond, governor of the isle of St. Sinistra, informing her that her father has taken ill and that she must hurry to his side at once. Unaware that Lafond is a scoundrel of the worst sort, she began a perilous journey to the New World.

But while the seas were smooth, the journey proved anything but uneventful. The Lafond Deux is under attack!

Captain Davis will be played by pirate Howell Davis.

This entire voyage was a trap from the start! And our name isn't "girl", Captain Davis. It's... it's...

What will our heroine's name be?

Googling woman pirate gave me this answer from Yahoo!: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070601172655AAKcL9d

I'd vote for Buxom Blackwater from that list

I can't believe there's actually a game that reads exactly like a romance novel. This'll be good.

And I vote to name her Galbrush Threepwood.

This game's introduction reads just like the opening to a trashy romance novel.

This is going to be epic.

It's got heaving bosoms and everything!

(If anybody has any good image sources for 17th-century schooner interiors or island mansions, I'd really appreciate a PM! I want to get that questionably-accurate romance novel ambience down.)

MetAdorable has just suggested Dahlia Vahlia deLance, so I'm going to combine all three suggestions.

Buxom Blackwater + Galbrush Threepwood + Dahlia Vahlia deLance:

"Sirrah, my name is Dahlia Blackwood!"

Dahlia's tale begins as she is unceremoniously dumped in the captain's cabin. Is there any means of escape?

We must keep our wits about us!

Ah! Hurry!

The havoc outside is shaking Dahlia to the very core, but fortunately, she is not the type to swoon.

Aha! Dahlia lifts the coffer and looks at it. And the name of the captain of the besieging pirates is Jamison, hmm? Interesting.

How heavy is it? Heavy enough? But just as Dahlia prepares to ram the door open with the chest, it breaks open of its own accord! Is this a rescuer?

Dahlia has serious doubts as to the propriety of Crulley's intentions. If she waits, she'll be rescued from him...

He's drunk. We can take him!

For occasions like this, Miss Blackwood needs a shoulder bird:

Pirates and romance and bosoms, oh my. This looks to be another great read and I look forward to the hijinks.

This is gonna be awesome.

Isn't that what he's come for in the first place..?

(sorry)

And by "fate", we mean "forbidden buccaneer lovemaking," aye? Aaaaaaye?

Alas! This adventure seems likely to be a genteel fade-to-black affair, if he puts out at all. But what does our piratical paramour look like?

Mayhaps he resembles this gentle rogue?

Or p'raps like this?

Wait. Tarry. Belay, lass.

Those are both the same pirate!

How many innocent maidens has this rakish Falcon seduced with his sugary lies? Dahlia Blackwood is aware of your bevy of secret doxies, sirrah!

We shall seduce him, and then we shall steal his ship.

Plan formed, Dahlia steps over the body of her fallen foe and greets the Falcon in the most ladylike manner she can muster:

Dahlia can scarce believe this.

Our father consorts with pirates?

Our Papa is... our Papa is...

AWESOME???

Dahlia can speak it! Does it rhyme with "Lot killin' pecs?"

My word, Papa! You truly are devoted to that horse!

Ooh! Let us flog him! Please?

Hmm. On the one hand, if Dahlia refuse his protection, she will be left alone on a ship full of pirates. On the other hand, if she accepts, he may take undue liberties.

Ah. Hmm...

Hmmm....

Next action should be to strip him of his um, things.

ETA: Ah, didn't see that you'd updated there. XD I meant that of Cruel- Crulley but anyhow~

I didn't know that scars implied power. I must come across like a total badass.

The funny thing is that I actually have Gentle Rogue. I picked it up for a dime because the cover was so goofy.

Where's- Hmmmmm. Hell with it, someone has to ask. Where's yours?

I have a small one above my lip that I tell people is my dueling scar (actually from a dog bite) and the one across my neck that I tell people is from a failed assassination attempt (actually a thyroidectomy.) And assorted and sundry other small scars associated with burns, cuts, chicken pox, mole removal, dogs, and birds. And getting my finger mangled in the fanblades of an outdoor air conditioning unit.

As long as your face isn't crisscrossed with them, they will give the impression of buccaneer mystique. However, if they totally cover your face, you enter what we call the 'Crulley Valley.'

It is well known ladies dig scars for that very reason. Of course, most of those ladies are krogan.

Psh, Garrus was a hottie even before he took a missile to the face. I was slightly disturbed at how much more attracted I was to a bird-dino-creature than I was to Kaidan. Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised at how much I enjoyed Hatoful Boyfriend.

And if we're comparing scars, I have a really cool-looking one that I got years ago from my cat. It's a vertical line from my wrist to the bend of my forearm and it's slightly raised if you run your finger over it.

All I have are two marks across the shins of my legs from when I fell up the stairs and a half healed scar from childhood when I flew off the tire swing and which grandmother stitched up for me. Ohwait, I think I have a raised bit of tissue on the back of one shoulder from when I got burned through some means when cooking too.

/lol swapping scar stories

Your grandmother sewed your cuts herself? Wow. Was that with or without anesthetic?

Said scar is incidentally peeking out from under my bottom lip since I forgot to mention that. But yes, she did sew it up quite nicely, without anesthetic un. My uncle still laughs when he recalls me running home screaming/crying with blood all down my front and the procession of siblings swearing it was my fault for wanting flying lessons, the jerk.

Aside from a burn from reaching into an oven with only one mitt (I do stupid things for chocolate chip cookies) and a fading C-shaped scar from being careless from a heat-sink when soldering a little microwave generator, I'm pretty much scar-free. Credit my boring lifestyle!

---

Jamison responds cheerfully to Dahlia's agreement:

Ah, but if you had indeed forged it, would you have said so? Unless you desired that Dahlia believe that you wouldn't tell her, had you forged it, and this is a battle of reverse-reverse psychology. Or is it reverse-reverse-reverse psychology?

Dahlia is very good at the 'Is it the wine in front of me?' game. She will figure this out.

He is armed! Best to escape this one.

The taking of a human life, the sudden, tragic end of a person's potential... the somber reminder of our shared mortality - so sexy!

Swoon count: 1.

Curse you, cupboard. we shall escape yet. The peg-legged old cook will be played by Michael Caine. Feel free to imagine all of Cookie's lines in his voice:

Glimmerous fop.

Hurriedly, Dahlia rises from the bed, and Captain Jamison begins to do what he does best: exposition.

St. Sinistra... isn't that where Dr. Doom is from or something?

Pay attention when Miss Blackwood is interrupting you, churl. These are important questions! What if she encounters Dr. Doom? And how does Jamison know my father, anyway?

I feel as if we just had two perpendicular conversations. It's like talking to one of the Pirates of the Caribbean mannequins. Oh, well! Exposition must be delivered. Now, let's sneak out and follow him, as a properly sneaky heroine must.

This cupboard was no match for Dahlia's squeezing superiority. Little did Jamison know that our heroine is like a Norway rat, which can fit its head through a hole the size of a piece-of-eight! She ventures onward and downward in her exploration.

Dauntlessly, Dahlia proceeds to the fore.

Skullduggery is afoot!

That's an awful lot of gunpowder.

Dahlia continues to explore, wary of discovery.

Gory. Dahlia is about to proceed onward, covering her mouth and nose, when a voice from above freezes her in her tracks. It's Crulley!

Mischief, indeed! We must warn someone!

This is beautiful! A text adventure LP is inspired. I hope you consider Leather Goddesses for your next epic.

Where can I get this thing? They don't host commercial games on IFDB.

(Well, I bought it over 10 years ago in the Masterpieces collection of Infocom titles - it was $20.00 for 30 text adventures with hint books and badly photocopied documentation! - but it's out of print. I'm pretty sure that there's no way to legally obtain it aside from eBay. Good Old Games or something needs to do a rerelease.)

----

At this juncture, I imagine Dahlia attempting in vain to explain, only to be interrupted. There's no other way to interpret Jamison's next line:

That's lovely, it truly is, but Mister Crulley intends to -

Wait, one moment, Captain -

He's gone.

It appears that Dahlia is going to have to save the Helena Louise herself. But what can a landlubber such as she do in such a dire situation? For the first part, she takes stock of her possessions.

The missive is the one Jamison handed us earlier, not the one from Jean Lafond inviting us into danger. That particular letter is reproduced inside the game box:

Nothing suspicious here!

The reticule was also included in the game box, and is visible here. Sadly, the pirate ship was not included:

Finally, the banknote is present in the box as well, and gives us an image of our archnemesis:

Face.

Obverse.

This banknote contains a subtle clue that we will need later on. For now, let us also pick up the bottle and the bit of mirror on the floor. What does the bottle contain?

(Laudanum is tincture of opium. Sadly, this was not included in the game box.)

Dahlia returns return aft into the powder hold, and the crisis truly begins:

Oh, dear. This is a problem. Why wouldn't Captain Jamison listen to us? He is going to be such a lousy pirate boyfriend.

Wouldst ye embark without piratical prog-rock? For shame!

Skip to 3 minutes and 32 seconds for the start of the singing. Our 1970s forbears didn't believe in short intros.

The fire's inside the ammunition cage, and Dahlia lacks the key. She attempts to open the hatch above, to no avail. Swiftly, she retraces her steps, hoping to run into Jamison again. Climbing the stairs, she returns to the landing with the cupboard and tries to go topside.

Oh, confound it all! Now what shall we do? Are we trapped below decks to die an explosive death? Dahlia feels a little faint:

That's good to know. Let us search the cupboard, and with haste!

A boy who sleeps in a cupboard? Could it be...?

Pirate Potter?

An idea! Might Dahlia disguise herself as a cabin boy and thus escape the lecherous attentions of the crew?

Dahlia strips down to her chemise - no further than that does this game allow - and then dons the breeches and shirt:

Dahlia is now now a feminine, chubby-looking cabin boy. Hopefully this will make her less attractive to the pirates, rather than more:

Mulling over her next actions, Dahlia returns to the captain's quarters, only to see:

Aha! First, she opens the coffer to empty it of valuables:

Crulley. We'll see to you yet.

An invitation? Oh, my. Let us see what it says:

Code (text):

1. The invitation is addressed to "Davis":
2.  
3.        In Honor of Jean Lafond,
4.          recently proclaimed
5.        Governor of St. Sinistra
6.         A Dance at his Mansion
7.       Ananas Road, St. Sinistra
8. Formal Dress and Invitation Required.

Ah! Not only has Crulley rigged the hold to explode, he's cut us loose to drift onto the reefs and capsize! We must climb topside and drop the anchor, posthaste! How are we to reach that ladder?

Fortunatey, Dahlia has a +1 weapon specialization bonus with coffers.

Goodbye, coffer. You were a steadfast ally.

We just solved a puzzle. Surely that's worth a few points and an increase in rank, yes? What is Dahlia's rank now? 'Piratess-to-Be?' 'Apprentice Havoc-Wreaker?'

... you demand so much of us, Plundered Hearts.

Too bad :(

I only discovered text adventures recently (I'm way too young to have played them back in their heyday) and I'm currently scouring IFDB for interesting-looking titles. I'm playing Jigsaw right now and I am utterly in love with it. It's perfect for me; history, adventure, and romance (Black!) all in one game. I highly recommend it. Also anything by Emily Short but especially Bronze.

Seconding Jigsaw, especially for those who are willing to consult a walkthrough. Teenage-me did and didn't regret it.

My favorite Emily Short game is Savoir-Faire, simply because it's the one where she revealed that not only can she do characters, she can pull off really inspired puzzle mechanics.

---

Take a deep breath, Miss Blackwood!

That was terribly close!

Ah!

Thank goodness Dahlia's wearing breeches and not that bulky frock.

Dahlia wonders how far that fuse in the hold has left to burn. Gritting her teeth, she puts all her strength into reaching the deck.

Stop giggling.

This might help us orient ourselves:

The poop is the raised deck at the rear (aft) end of the ship, the stern:

A wheel to steer by... mayhaps Dahlia can steer us away from those reefs!

Blast! What are we to do?

Barrels are to this game what crates are to Half-Life. Whatever do they hold?

A spark of inspiration strikes Dahlia.

It is time to go back down below. Fortunately, it is easier to descend from the deck than was to get topside in the first place.

We must stay calm, and focus our efforts in one direction at a time. Dahlia says a quick prayer, and then...

The first danger is extinguished! AVAST! BRING ON MORE BIRDS!

Elsewhere, in a parallel world in which everyone is quite stupid...

What shall we soak this rag in to best extinguish the flame? thinks Dahlia. Ah... I have it!

Tra la la... heading below decks... gonna save the day...

Ooooooops! She tries to throw her entire frock at the fuse, but it catches on the gate.

We now return you to our home universe.

I think I might play Jigsaw after all. D:
Currently working at Bronze actually.
Annnnd yet another game playing because of these LPs.
CURSES AND CONFOUND IT ALL. Xd

Oh god, I just finished Jigsaw. It's SO GOOD, guys. I had to use a walkthrough for a bunch of sections, but it was worth it. My inner history nerd was in heaven.

Note: It's surprisingly difficult to dig up accurate pictures of specific parts of 17th-Century schooners; one model-builder's website laments the inaccuracy of even professional ship models. That said, my pictures are likely to be off by a century or more, given my lack of expertise. That said, it's also plausible that some details in the game are also off by a century or more.
---

Nebty:

---

We must tarry no longer; a dreadful collision is imminent! Dahlia hurries topside once more, and to the fore:

Dahlia's time at sea has served her well. She knows that there ought to be a sea anchor around here, by all rights, and she carefully climbs on the bowsprit to observe for herself what has happened to it.

Crulley!

Retreating from this precarious position, Dahlia turns her attention to the mooring winch. If the sea anchor has been lost, this is the Helena Louise's only chance.

(Notice that the entire crew of pirates has failed to notice that we are about to be shipwrecked on the reefs. Are they drunk? Oblivious? Suffering from 'not-the-protagonist' syndrome? Who knows?)

These cryptic instructions puzzle me! Open up what? The hold? Close down... the kitchen for the night? The ways of seamanship are indeed a mystery to landlubbers such as we.

No longer shall we capsize against the reefs. Dahlia has foiled your cunning plot, Crulley! She has foiled you with her lever-pulling ingenuity!

And sure enough, this act of heroism has lifted us up a rank. Dahlia is no longer a Damsel in Distress. Is she a Pirate Queen Apparent? A Scurvy Buccaneeress?

What does it take to impress you, game?

(If we fail to master the complexities of the mooring winch in time, Dahlia meets an unspeakable fate:

My word. Given that death in this game may comprise being incinerated or eaten by a crocodile, that must be a truly awful fate indeed.

(Opinion: Should it be Fate < Death, Fate > Death, or something else? I am abusing mathematical notation badly here.

I bring this up because we will be using this .jpg often.)

EDIT: Editing the post above would completely wreck its formatting, so I'm going to leave the unbalanced parenthesis in there. Eat it, programmers.

Nebty: Trinity LP joke! See also: the assassination of Lenin (by rattlesnake).

I really need to read that.

By the way, I love how you add your own illustrations to the game.

Really good stuff, FerdieLance. I like the flavor commentary and pictures you've added. I'm particularly enjoying this because, while I am an Infocom freak from way back in my youth, I never played Plundered Hearts. Good show!

Well, you were left FOREVER ALONE in Rio. That's indeed bottom of the chain as far as the romance games go.

If a (presumably) fetching damsel can't find romance in Rio (especially when picked up by a bunch of smooth brown-skinned gentle sailors), I don't know what could save her.