Let'z Play Catz, the game that hatez the letter 'S'

Heh. Fair enough.

Hurl is a scrawny little fellow, but he's not as annoying as he was when he was named Sophisto.
Sophisto sounds like a one-episode Batman villain or something, seriously.

Let's check his status to make sure I didn't start killing him.

Okay good, he's totally not dying. Yet.

-- CATZ
OHEMGEE I LUV CATZ

CATZ <333
... /typing like an even bigger moron
Caaaats oh my god a Gameboy game about cats. Time to fulfill my dream of becoming a crazy old cat lady! May Bastet, Goddess of Cats, bless your abode, Dances with Squid.

Terrible 90s games: Zelda CD-I? Anything with princess or Barbie in the title?

Thanks for the cat blessing, Donmai!


Okay, since Hurl is such a skinny little thang, I changed the background to this donut-y looking one.
You know, to encourage him to eat more.

And it worked!
Jeez, I should write a book on virtual cat care.
I tried giving him a treat, but he's stalking in the wrong direction...

Can't blame him, though. It is the same exact colour as the background.
Poor little guy is gonna start eating through the floor.

Bet you I can find one with BOTH in the title. Wonder if it'll be twice as bad?
And thank you for a specific game, I shall google it immediately.

Alright. I would like to state that I started this at 4 am, and that it is now 1 pm.
I'm pretty sure that any minute now my eyes are going to start bleeding from pixel-poop exposure, and so I would like to RETIRE myself from this LP for the moment.
When I come back, I will start some kind of princessy Barbie game (no Barbie game will ever be as good as the first PC Barbie Detective game). And when I find a trustworthy source for those aforementioned Zelda games, I will give one of those a shot. It'll be my first ever time playing a Zelda game!

Now I will leave you all with a picture of my most handsome and favorite-est cat:

...uh. Don't let them color your first impression, all right? And then buy Ocarina of Time or something.

Oh, oh dear. You sure you don't want to play Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask or Oracle of Ages? Or, uh, pretty much anything but Zelda CD-I? ... No? Well, then. Godspeed, madam. Godspeed.

Also, in case you ever need another 90s game suggestion: LEGO Island. The main character has a SKATEBOARD and it's one of the few 90s games I can clearly remember. That and the one Barbie game with the horses. Ahahaha, those things sure were... a thing. Yup.

But seriously, godspeed.

Hola ebola! So there's been no luck on the Zelda CD-I game, even after hours of searching. =/
So until I find a way to play one, I'll be playing a different game.


That's right! Not only did I find a Barbie Princess game, but there are twelve princesses and they are dancing.
I so won that bet I made, even though it was never accepted.


Right off the bat, I am given a choice. I chose Normal Mode because I AM AN ADULT, I DON'T NEED EASY MODE ANYMORE, I SWEAR.


Tl;dr, Dude has 12 daughters and they are all failures in his eyes, so he sends his cousin to set them straight, like a good daddy does. That's how dads work, right?

So anyways, we start off with Genevieve (spelling that each time is going to kill me, girl needs a nickname) in her dad's throne room.

Guuurl you are talking to a cat, when you should be getting the castle physician or something. No wonder your dad thought you and all your sister were utter failures. I think you are, too.


Oh dip! That's called murder in this day and age, btw. More importantly, though, the cat can TALK? Awesome.


Why didn't Rowena just give the other 11 sisters the same thing she gave to their father? Why hide them? Why not hide the king, too? I think his advisers would be pretty pissed off if he just sat there all day and slept while there's kingly stuff to be done. Anyways this is obviously an emergency and there is no time to question this wise and noble talking cat, so off to my room to hide like a little girl I go!
Right after I learn how to jump, that is.


Success.

Maybe the cat IS the castle physician.

This game looks like a gem.

In all seriousness, reviews of terrible old GBA and GBC games are my favorite kind of LP. So basically I'm saying that if you keep this up Dances With Squids I will love you forever <3

So I leave my poor defenseless father and the Castle Physician Cat and try to head to my room.
But apparently this Rowena woman is a master carpenter, because she remodeled my entire house-castle into a deathmaze.
Also she hired people to throw pottery at me while I try to jump from platform to platform.

You see that weird shattery blue stuff up there? Yeah, that was aimed for my head.

DEATH COUNT: 1

I accidentally the princess.

But eventually I made it to the next room and I--

ANNNNTSSSS!!1!1!!!

AIIIEE GETTHEMOFFME!!!Death count: 2


Hah! See, I can learn. Always take the high ground. Especially against giant princess-eating ants.

Oh...
Oh no...

I loved the Petz PC series when I was a kid. Seeing the title and first part of this thread just makes me want to dig through my CD collection and see if I can't find my old Virtual Life/Pet games. I'm horribly tempted to either figure out how to set up Creatures 3/DS again OR relearn the UI for GoG's version of Creatures 1 and 2...

And actually to be actually on topic...

I can only hope that the princess turns out to be a magical girl. I mean, she's a princess, has a talking cat, and can jump levitate. Plus she's the only one left who can SAVE EVERYONE! She's just one fancy transformation sequence away from Magical Girl-hood.

So I got past those friggin giant ants.
And more pottery-tossing jerks.

MISSED ME, SUCKA!

I go through the next door, completely prepared for more platform jumping, ant-avoiding and pottery dodging,
but hey! There's a bed, so this must be my room. 'Bout damn time.

Kinda sparse for a Princess's room, but hey, I do have 11 other sisters that I have to share the wealth with.

But that doesn't explain the weird flower tiles on the floor.

I walk to the end of these tiles, when suddenly-


I guess that means I finished the first level! Okay, my password is...handsome guy, handsome guy, Castle Physician Cat, handsome guy. Next lvl, plz.

Wait, what? Where the ever-loving hell are we? I thought we had just finally made it to our room, WHY ARE WE NOW OUTSIDE?

NO YOU SHOULD NOT, YOU SHOULD GO SAVE YOUR SISTERS YOU SELFISH LITTLE---ARGGGHH!

Unfortunately, there is no option for making Genevieve here go back and save her family, so I head through the only open door.


I don't know what a Brutus is, but the game made some wonky-ass noises when we first arrived on this level, so now I'm worried. Also, apparently Castle Physician Cat does more than just talk and heal people, she can also be used as a weapon.
Best Barbie pet ever.


Et tu, Brutus!? (sorry, had to) Turns out Brutus is a little MURDER MONKEY. I bet you he's Rowena's pet.
Death count: 3

I evade the Murder Monkey for long enough to suddenly walk in to...

Castle Physician Cat/Weapon! Score!
There was an epic scene in which CPC/W chased away Murder Monkey, but it all happened so fast that I couldn't get a shot of it. ;__;

I continued my trek through this hideous little forest/jungle thing, being attacked by all sorts of random animals. Even a cute little bluebird. I thought he'd be my friend. But he killed me. Mulder was right: Trust no one.
Death Count: 4
Eventually...

Dude, what the hell? The sisters are each like 5 years old! And they look nothing alike!
...Ew, I think Genevieve's dad went for the harem option, guys.
*Shudder* But hey, I found the sisters, and they tell me a bunch of useless stuff I already knew. AND THEN, SOMETHING HAPPENS. The 5 year olds give me their dancing shoes and a friggin butterfly net, but somehow, somehow, this turns me into a MAGICAL GIRL.



Carcosa, I have one question...

Awwww yeah. Finally, my years of anime watching have been put to good use!

No, but I can put on my robe and wizard hat, if you'd like.

I would like it very much if you put on your robe and wizard hat, myes.

And on an unrelated note....

SPPPIIIIDDDDERRRRSSSSSS AAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


AUDREY II, AAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!
Death count: I lost track. D;

This game is my worst nightmare D:

(RANDOM ANECDOTE: I had, and still have, a Chamber of Secrets video game, at which certain points during the game giant spiders would fall out of the sky and drop on your head with no warning. There was a lot of screaming on my part.)

That sounds absolutely terrifying.
The spiders in this game just slowly drop down and poke me to death, but they come down slowly enough that I can flee for my sissy little life.
The other assorted bugs in this game, however, are why I lost all track of my death count.

I'm fortunate enough to not be too affected by virtual spiders. This does not mean that I won't end up having a fit over the sight of a real one...

Though... My first thought went to this-

Oh, this can't end well.

But it did! After my Death Count went off the charts, that is.

Next level!

Awww, boo, I seemed to have lost all of my magical girl powers.
Pfft, I probably won't even ne-

Oh that is just nasty. What even is that?

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!!
Great, now I'm scared of teapots. Thanks a lot, Barbie.

A highly effective attack, that's what. Do you know how much hot tea down your cleavage hurts?

Hot slime, you mean.
Its bright green and gloppy.
Oooh, what if it's radioactive?? Then I'll not only be a Magical Girl Dancing Princess, I'll be a Mutant Magical Girl Dancing Princess!

If it comes out of a teapot, it's tea. It may be slime tea, but it's still tea.

I'm going to have to agree with you, considering that this is the first thing I thought of, and I will probably be crying myself to sleep tonight because Neopets will never ever leave my brain.

Man, that was my CHILDHOOD.

Somehow, I managed to get my MG powers back! And I kicked that slime-tea filled teapot's proverbial ASS.

Then I went through a bunch of stages.
I got to jump on chandeliers, so that was a plus?

(that spider was so pissed off when I got too close to him)

At one of the stages, I had the option to go up or down, so I decided to look down...

NOPE. PIT OF ANTS. DO NOT WANT.

Finally, finally, though, I found some more sisters!

They basically told me the same thing I knew since the beginning via the CPC/W. Useless sisters.

Or maybe not so useless? NEW POWERUP AND DRESS!

So... what's with the constant about-to-stomp-on-your-head-shoes?

Oh, those show you what power up you're using. I don't really know why they need that to show me, especially since the dress does a fine enough job of that, and because the shoes don't match the dress.

After what felt like forever, I finally got out of the room where I found those other two princesses.
and I suddenly found myself with...

This guy! Is he a dancing prince? I didn't know Genevieve had any brothers...


Because she doesn't and this guy just totally threw a glass of wine at me.


BOSS BATTLE TIME, GUYS!!

Child abuse!

It took me over half-an-hour to kill this son of a bitch but I finally did it!
YEAH, UH, IN YOUR FACE, WINE-THROWING-GUY!




Anyways, after taking a savory moment of show-boating my victory, I decided to listen to what he had to say.

Uhuh, yeah, you're only sorry cus you LOST, SUCKAAA!
....What was that about the king? Oh dip, looks like these 12 dancing princesses are now 12 dancing orphans.
This jerk also revealed that -surprise!- Rowena was doing all of this to become the new Queen of Equestria.
Like we hadn't already guessed.

Alright, folks, after that exhausting boss battle, I find myself stuck at at another part of the game.
But my brain is suffering from a Barbie-induced headache, so I'm going to go lay down and tackle this problem once I stop feeling like those shoes actually did fall on my head.
Again, if anybody has any suggestions for terrible games, feel free to just shout them at me.

I remember a Gameboy Advanced game where you are a Barbie detective and the villain looks like Carmen Sandiego.

This game lied to me. It says "12 Dancing Princesses" but I don't see no dancing 'round these parts. >:|

I admit, though, that 'Barbie: Everything is Trying to Kill You While You "Rescue" Princesses' doesn't exactly roll off the tongue as well.

Wine-glass throwing guy did not apologise for trying to kill you. He merely said Rowena sent for him and he came a runnin' with no questions asked. There is no indication whatsoever the guy was placed under a spell of evilness nor was he blackmailed into being a miniboss. The guy is simply a jerk who wanted to kill you.

I seem to remember seeing an *N'Sync game for the gameboy color once. Or maybe one of those Hamtaro shovelware games. Those looked entertainingly bad.

Well... there's always the ur-example of terrible unlicenced shovelware in Action 52... but that would just be mean to suggest you play... plus it's not on a Game Boy (for which we should all be thankful).