Let'z Play Catz, the game that hatez the letter 'S'

Uh...so I'm back!
And I'm totally looking up all the stuff you guys have suggested.
I found the N*SYNC one (Why couldn't it have been Backstreet Boys? Larger Than Life was my jam) easily enough. But unfortunately this GB Barbie Detective is eluding me...which is a damn shame because one of my favorite computer games as a child was Barbie Detective: Mystery of The Carnival Caper, and I would have loved to play another game with Barbie in her best role ever. (That game actually made me fall in love with mystery themed things...) But don't worry, there's still tons of Barbie games to play, including the GBA version of Secret Agent Barbie.
Also, I found 2 Hamtaro games that I haven't played yet. (I have played Ham-Ham Heartbreak many times and I love that it.)

But for right now, let's continue with this trainwreck of a Barbie game! As soon as I actually start playing it again, that is.

Oh, I think it was a Secret Agent Barbie. DON'T BE MAD AT ME DETECTIVES AND SECRET AGENTS ARE THE SAME TO ME. Also, Hamtaro was my childhood. I had all of the games. Ham Ham Heartbreak was my favourite. I had Rainbow Rescue but that must've been broken, because it didn't save and sometimes it wouldn't load. It was only a dollar, though.

Hahahah I'm not mad because you, weirdly enough, are not the first person to mistake Secret Agent Barbie for Detective Barbie.
It's all the same bimbo, anyways.
Rainbow Rescue was the one I was considering out of the 2 others that weren't Heartbreak.

And now I have to ask...who was your favorite Ham-Ham?

I played Ham-Ham Heartbreak too! It was the first game I ever finished. I don't remember who my favourite Ham-Ham was, but when
I played the game again for the nostalgia, I realized how adorable Oxnard is. Boss is also awesome.

I had many favourites, but to this day Maxwell has always been in my top 3, so I guess him.

Jingle was always my favorite.

Spiders, on the other hand, I could do without.

Oh this makes me all kinds of uncomfortable right now.

Later, I ran into another guy!

But judging by his 'I'm-going-to-punch-you' stance, he probably isn't friendly, so I jumped over him and ran away.

Oh so many new things to kill me this level!

Hahaha, it's on her head! That's both disgusting and hilarious! I'm easily amused.

After a whole bunch of new stuff kills me many many times, I finally find some more sisters! And they look about Genevieve's age, too. I think with each batch I found, they got older.

She didn't ask how clean you are, you vapid bimbo! Goodness, just how stupid are you two?


...I'm sorry I asked.
You know, I'm starting to not even blame Rowena for trying to take over the kingdom.
Look at the sort of idiots it was going to next! I'd rather have an evil ruler than an idiot one any day.

At least these bimbos were good for something.

New power-up! And, hey, the shoes match the dress! Okay, okay, fine, the bimbos are good for two things.

Literally nothing important happened for the illest time, until...More sisters!

Seriously? That's ALL I can use the mallet for?
I get the first actual, real-life weapon in this game, and you want me to use it to open doors?
You guys are the worst.

You bitches are lucky you matched the shoes with the dress, otherwise I'd be even more pissed with you. Siiigh, might as well see how it works, since we're stuck with it either way.

Okay, I guess that's not as bad as you made it sound. I'm able to hit a croquet ball, and I actually can change the trajectory of it by moving that broken white line. MEH.

More random jumping around the castle's outside ensues. I head into the next room when...

LIKE I BELIEVE THAT, LIKE ANYONE HERE BELIEVES THAT!
Almost every single goddamn thing I have run into in this game has tried to end my life, and you think I'm going to just believe you when you say you mean me no harm? Bullshit, utter bullshit. But please continue to tell me more useless stuff I already know and/or guessed.


And now the awkwardly-shaped large man with exposed thighs is trying to convince me that the woman who drugged a king, kidnapped 11/12 of his daughters, hid them in various places, and hired perhaps the most random assortment of murderous things I've ever seen in a video game to kill me, just wants order, when she has done NOTHING BUT CAUSE CHAOS SO FAR.

You know what, I don't care how ridiculously unfair this fight is going to be. Bring. It. On.

I'm so getting trampled, aren't I?

HIT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A CROQUET BALL!

Also, I totally call Ham-Ham Heartbreak because I have the best title for that thread.

"Because it's almost an Otome Game, right? Let's Play Ham-Ham Heartbreak!"

As fun as it would have been to hit that huge freak with a croquet mallet or even a croquet ball, it wouldn't let me use my magical girl powers on him. I had to defeat him by tricking him into smashing face-first into a wall.
He didn't even get a cut scene afterwards. The screen just faded and I was at the next level.

I don't think the introduction of giant spiders, murder teapots, and Audrey II counts as order, really.

There was someone LPing Ham-Ham Heartbreak, but they haven't updated in quite a while, so it might be dead.

A few more completely uneventful and repetitive levels happened, but then I was suddenly in the castle library!
That's awesome, I love libraries, they're so much fun, so many books and-

And princess-eating alien plants. As you can tell from my health thingie, I fell for this one.
Fool me once, shame on you, Rowena.


I ran into another freak, who started slowly chasing me, and that is when I was suddenly struck with the memory of one of the most hilarious things I've ever done in in a public library: Silent Tag. It is played by going to a public place in which you should not be playing tag, and then try to play tag (as silently as you can manage, of course) without being caught by the people in charge of whatever place you're in. Sounds simple enough, but you try not to scream in front of bunch of strangers when your friend unexpectedly slaps your leg from under a book shelf.

Anyways...I found another sister! Just one, though.

Uhm, the game made the conversation happen when I started to jump up. Also, I applaud this sister for giving absolutely no fucks about the fact that there's an attempt at overthrowing their kingdom going on right now.


My favorite colour dress, books, and a height advantage? Her powerup is also the best.

Ah, so I was right when I vaguely remembered seeing a ham-ham heartbreak lp.

I am shoe-head, fear me!

Uh, hey, look, we're outside! Fresh air, and the potential to get help!

Hahaha, no, Genevieve here doesn't believe in common sense, which would have been to leave this terrible place and maybe find some goddamn people who still support the king to help her stop the usurping of the throne! I have always wanted to use the word 'usurp' in a sentence, so despite this stupidity continuing, I am quite happy.

Another sister! I think this is all of them. I don't know, I'm not too good at math.

God, sis, what do you think I've been doing this entire time!? Obviously not standing around being useless, unlike some people I could name.


Well, partially useless, because she gave me yet another powerup.





doing." Again with this? Fine, don't come crying to me when you get this bitch in power and suddenly the whole kingdom is overrun by all the shit that's been killing me. You guys had your chance and you just lost it!

So I killed that guy with my mallet powers, but unfortunately not in the form of a good old fashioned bludgeoning. I hit the croquet mallet into some boxes above his head and they dropped on him and crushed him. Good enough, I guess. I'll take what violence I can get, at this point.

Whoops I accidentally slept for an entire day and then almost passed out from low blood sugar when I finally woke up.
And we're back with more death-filled adventures of the not-dancing princess Genevieve and the kingdom of Manthisplacesucks!

After crushing the skull of that Desmond guy with some boxes, Genny tells me that the most direct route to Rowena's hiding place is waaaay too full of guards (of course), and that we

Oh no, no, nope, no way, not gonna happen, nein, nyet, non, nicht!!!
That is the baddest idea in the history of bad ideas.
I have seen way too many movies/cartoons/books in which there is a super dangerous showdown on the top of a clocktower, and I am NOT participating in one where I have to play a stupid princess who's shoes make her into a relatively useless magical girl!

Despite my desperate pleas, she does not listen to reason, and forces me to continue forward through a hellish clocktower.

It includes: Giant wheels that might crush me, moving platforms to fall off of, and hidden switches and buttons to figure out how to work and what they work on. Everything I figured it would, because this is not the first time I've been trapped in a video game clock tower, and I doubt it shall be my last.


...That's the floor that breaks when you walk on it, and we're really really high up.
You know, I imagine this is the kind of game where little girls just become so frustrated by it that it ends up smashed against a wall in a fit of rage. This whole level is just really complex and I can't imagine a 7 year old ever figuring out what to do until years later when she finds it hidden in a dusty old box and decides to try it again just for the heck of it.


Oh, come on! THERE ISN'T EVEN A BREAK-AWAY FLOOR THIS TIME!

After winning her country a gold metal in the Olympics for that epic jump, Genevieve finally finds her way out of this nightmare.

Oh dear freedom you have never tasted so sweet.

My rejoicing lasted all of 2 seconds, because now we're in yet another room.
Just how big is this castle, anyways? It's getting to be a little ridiculous.

Cool, a working mirror! But it doesn't show the shoes in it, or the colour-changing dress, so that's a little lame...
Where the hell are we, anyways?

Was I complaining about the clocktower?
Obviously the game must have heard me and then decided to throw something far, far worse at me.

Weirdass magical mirror place.
There are objects in the mirror that aren't in the real world, and I have to use my reflection to navigate through them without falling, because if my mirror image falls, the actual Genny falls.
This may be the single most trippiest thing I have ever seen in a Barbie game.


Why is this even in the castle?
Did we somehow get teleported to Hogwarts without me knowing? Because I am going to be pissed if I get to the next level and Rowena turns out to be Bellatrix, and then Snape kills Dumbledore at the top of the tower
Actually, that would be a vast improvement to this game.

Unfortunately, I got to the end of that demented mirror place, and instead of an awesome wizard battle, I find Rowena.

Why would she even attempt to be nice to me after what she's just put me through?
Some of Genevieve's sisters may have been that stupid to fall for her act, but not her!




Seriously, though, how the loving hell does anything you have done in your limited rule of this place count as class?
You've completely overrun the castle with magical murder teapots, caused an infestation of rats and assorted bugs, and allowed the alien plants from Little Shop of Horrors to take root in our kingdom! JUST WHAT IS YOUR DEFINITION OF CLASS, YOU MADWOMAN? YOU HAVE PLUNGED THIS KINGDOM INTO TOTAL CHAOS, SO PLEASE STOP PRETENDING LIKE IT'S ALL FOR THE GREATER GOOD!

"I was just trying to teach you and your sisters the art of political assassination!"

FINAL BOSS! This requires some epic battle music...hmm, what should I use....Oh, I know!

Yes, that will do nicely.

She starts off her attack with dropping me down a long way and into a bunch of enchanted death-mirrors!


But I defeated her pawns easily with my trusty butterfly net! Foolish Rowena, if she really wanted to do some damage, she should have sent her evil tea pots after me.
But with some clever maneuvering using my magical girl powers, I easily made my way back up to her! She tries to blow some kind of evil white stuff at me (It kind of looked like a dirty tissue, ewww), but I tossed it right back at her with my butterfly net!

She actually cried over the fact that I threw her attack right back at her, threw a little fit, and then threw me down the room again. We repeated this several times until her health bar had finally emptied, and I rejoiced! "It's over, it's finally over!" I foolishly thought in glee!


We found ourselves in the middle of two open doors and one closed one, and when I went to the left, I saw the Castle Physician Cat/Weapon! Oh, joy, she'll surely lead me back to Genny's father and we can finally heal him and return to our daily lives, without all this madness!


Or, you know, not.

Brutus was the MURDER MONKEY, right?

Don't do it, Doctor Cat! Save yourself!

Yes, Brutus was the Murder Monkey, and CPC actually did listen to you, because when he showed up in the ACTUAL BOSS BATTLE, she was nowhere to be seen.

Also, I really hate when video games actually listen to my suggestions.

Not the teapots again!

I survived the teapots. Barely.
Rowena, on the other hand, could not stand up to my awesomeness, and was ultimately actually defeated this time! For realz!

There are no words for how stupid you are.

But, "Is it over?"
Yes. Yes it is.

Oh hey! The dad is alive, and so are all his daughters who are actually dancing now, at the end!
...Why is there an empty chair next to him?
What happened to their mother(s)?

ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE:

*Snicker* What kind of last name is Bumgardner?

Bumgardner? What kind of name is Buzby? Or Bloodgood?
Weird B-names people.
Congratulations, this is now a 100+ post thread.

Bloodgood made me think of some kind of cheap vampire name, and Buzby reminds me of Hetalia...
And thank you, I'll be eating a celebratory blueberry poptart while I continue to search for more hideously bad games to play.
I think I'll start on the N*SYNC one next, just to get it out of the way.
I was never a fan of their music...I had epic boy band loyalty to the Backstreet Boys.
White 90's kids problems, the absolute worst.

YESSSSSS

I FUCKING LOVED CATZ

FIRST GAME I GOT WAS DOGZ II
THEN CATZ 4
THEN CATZ 5, MOTHERFUCKER

AND I MADE HEXED PETZ FOR PEOPLE
(Best one I ever got was a reindeer Dane named Blitzen)

God you... you've spurred so many emotions and much nostalgia in me. ;___;

Well, it's that time again. You know, for all my worst fears to be realized.

Yeeaaah, that's some nice nightmare fuel right there for ya. Just stare at those faces for a little bit, let them sink in.


Oh come on! What kind of options are these? Fine, doing it "easy" level this time, because "new" is the closest to "not" there is. And how is a "super fan" better than a "true fan" anyways? I guess fan levels are measured in how many card-board cutouts of them you have made out with.

After choosing my difficulty, I am taken to a sign in place where I--


I go with CHRIS because he terrifies me the least



Wait, wait, WHAT. You are letting a complete stranger (and probably a 10 year old girl) have the keys to your limo based only on her being your biggest fan?
Yeah, I hope that works out for ya. Especially considering that I am the player, and I am not a fan.


DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Crash the limo! Kill them all! Ahem.. no no I suppose you cannot win the game by doing that. So nevermind

Sounds simple enou-


AHH I FORGOT I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE MY LICENSE WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIEEEE!!
Despite my best attempts to kill everyone in this limo in a fiery crash, we somehow make it to the hotel.
Dang.

So at the hotel, I am given another task in my new-found slave-hood to N*SYNC.

Whaaat, you mean I have to make it so they can sleep while I sacrifice my own rest?!?
And what kind of parent do I have in this game that thinks it's okay to have a tween-aged girl go on the road with a bunch of grown men I just met and am apparently obsessed with? Obviously a very trusting one.

Anyways, time to get to work on helping these ungrateful jerks.

SEVERAL LEVELS OF FORCIBLY SHUTTING BABIES UP LATER.


*Groan* Back to the limo, I guess.
THERE IS NO REST IN HELPING BOY BANDS!

Oh nineties.. you so silly

Crazy fans busting into that motel asking N'Sync to sign their babies. Have they no shame?
Also the level of horror I can see this game inducing is palpable. Good thing you're not a longsuffering superfan.

To put the amount of "DO NOT WANT" I am experiencing into perspective, I started trying to play this game at 9 am. It is now 3 pm and I have only done two posts on it.

I regret nothing in suggesting this game. NOTHING. Well okay, maybe I feel a twinge of guilt for causing another human suffering, but it's so entertaining that I almost don't care.

As anticipated, we return to the limo death-ride, but unfortunately my lack of driving skills once again does not manage to kill us all. I even tried aiming for those cacti.

Oh greeaaat, now I have to make these enslaving kidnappers some burgers!
That can't be too hard, right? I mean, I am pretty awesome at cooking, and burgers are simple, so this should be a walk in the park!


Except no, no this was not easy.
It doesn't wait for you to finish the burger, it gives up on you after like 10 seconds and makes your loser look upset, which really sucks ass because if the right thing doesn't show up soon enough, you lose points!

In fact, I failed so hard at this part of the game that I actually lost.
The fat bastard I chose earlier came on screen and told me to go back to the menu and start this challenge over and that next time, I had better try harder,

them."

...There are no words for what that made me feel inside, so this will have to do:

By look of it the burgers are half the size of a nine year old kid. Geez who knew N'sync were such gluttons.

ONE BOX OF CHEEZ-ITS AND A RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS CD LATER:
I finally finished making the burgers exactly to my slave owner's demands!
But that isn't accomplishment I feel, no, it's more like the feeling of having dodged a bullet.

Auugggh, more driving! These guys must be drunk like 24/7 if the only person capable of driving is the one without a license.
Once again, I somehow manage to complete all of their random requests without getting us all killed.


...Can I kick your sack?
Because I would really enjoy doing that.


BOO, THEY ONLY MEANT HACKEY SACKS.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GET TO KICK SOME KIDNAPPERS IN THE BALLS.
Really, though, they needed my help in playing with a hackey sack.
These guys are useless. But I assist them regardless.


Flattery will get you a foot to the balls.
Oh, we're at the show already? Thank goodness, I didn't know how much more I could take!
Naturally, I'll just go take the VIP seat at the concert and "enjoy" the show, right?
Right? Right?

OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

I know a kingdom where they would fit right in.

I love this thread, by the way <3

Apparently there is some kind of divine justice, because this part of the game didn't punish me for making minor mistakes.
In fact, there where no mistakes to be made. I just made a bunch of crappily animated little pixel dudes dance.

UNCEUNCEUNCEUNCE. And then I snapped all their necks with my Jedi mind powers.


special thanks" Wow, one and done? You guys legitimately suck. Now I'm really glad I was never a fan of yours.

....Oh the irony.
It burns.

So then the game was over!
What? No, I'm not lying to get out of playing this anymore! How could you even suggest that?!
I would never!
Or, if I did, I would have done it MUCH earlier on.

Congratulations for surviving! :D

Now, if I may make a suggestion that is less likely to make you want to jump out of a window:

HAM HAM HEARTBREAK. DO EEET. Please?

Whoops I woke up one day and realized I still had a life that needed to be attended to!
I actually haven't been able to use my computer since the last time I posted here, so that was a lame period of time for me.
(Except the day I spent playing Eduardo's story of Pirates in Love with a good friend of mine. That day was awesome.)
But let's get back into the swing of things immediately, shall we?

I'll be starting with Hamtaro - Rainbow Rescue! I'm pretty sure I said I'd do this one next, anyways. (I'll eventually get to HamHam Heartbreak.) So I start the game, and immediately I'm given the most important choice: Language.

I was very, very tempted to use Spanish. Yo Espanol es muy limited, though, so I went with English.

SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING:

FALLING HAMSTERS!! Man why do all the games I play have to have animal abuse in them?


But they landed safely under this title screen! That's convenient.
Looks like this'll be all the characters in the game...Boo, my favorite Ham, Jingle, isn't here! He seems to have been replaced by some sort of freakish bug/hamster hybrid who had the nerve to keep one eye open during the adorable eyes-closed photo shoot. I already don't like him. Her. I can't tell, actually.

Despite the title being Hamtaro, we start off with Bijou. She's on a cliff, for whatever reason, and is admiring it's view!
Which includes weird bug-ham's flying across rainbows. Bijou has really weird tastes, I guess.
She decides to go tell everyone about the flying freak of nature!
It turns out that we actually have to play as Bijou. The controls are pretty simple, there's the option to run and to say Ham-Ha to other hamsters we may find on our way. Also we can pick up sunflower seeds!

Awww yyiisssss, sunflower seeds!
If you're wondering why I'm so excited, its because sunflower seeds are usually the currency in these games. We basically just found 5 bucks on the floor! I'm a sucker for free stuff, especially money.
After walking to the left some more and talking to some unimportant weirdos, I finally found our title character!

And Oxnard. Weird, he's usually depicted as being larger than that. I guess he lost some weight?
Bijou demands their attention, and tells them that they simply must come see this rainbow she found!
They agree, even though they were supposed to wait for Boss. Hamsters aren't known for their long attention spans.
They get to the rainbow and talk about how bootiful and loverly it is and how they'd like to look at it all day and other silly little things. WHEN SUDDENLY, THE RAINBOW SHORT-CIRCUITS! While the freaky bug-ham was still on it!

Apparently s/he can only fly over rainbows, which is pretty weird, and so it plummets towards the ground.
Bijou, Hamtaro and Oxnard don't seem to notice, and instead lament about how the rainbow is gone!
How did they not see that weirdo?!? He was right on top of the very thing they kept staring at!
More animal abuse ensues:

Pffft, I'm sure they'll both be fi-

Oh. Oh, dear. That doesn't look too good.
....Also, dangit, they managed to destroy the bridge, too!

We find ourselves back over with the depressed rainbow-less Ham-Hams.

No, Bijou isn't crying about being asked to stay behind, she's still upset about the rainbow leaving.
Girl has some interesting priorities.

So Hamtaro and Oxnard leave her and go to find out what that sound was.

Impressive observational skills, Detective Sherlock Hamtaro! Hey, does that make Oxnard your Watson? For some reason I feel that is rather fitting.
Despite the fact that he realized this was the same board that is needed to cross the water, we ignore it and continue on!
They find Boss and the weirdo and finally figure out that they should probably get that board.

They do a cheerleading routine to try and lift it. Don't ask me why. I really don't know.

Naturally, cheering to the log fails to lift it.

So they run to get Bijou, even though she's still depressed about the rainbow.
She finally gets over that frickin' thing once she's informed that there's actual trouble. I honestly think she would have sat there and moped about it all day if there wasn't work to be done.

They go to lift the log when suddenly-

Elder-Ham offers a tutorial in lifting things, proving that old people in video games are only good for telling you what to do.
Since this is my first time playing, I listen to his tutorial. It was really obvious and stupid and I regret not saying No-P.

After the crazy old man finally gets done teaching us how to pick things up and put them down, our Ham-Hams finally make it to the two horribly injured hamsters.
Cappy also showed up!

Cappy then suggests that we take the K-O'd Ham-Hams to the Clubhouse, and everyone else agrees!
Alright, we'll just carefully lift them, right? I mean, Elder-Ham just taught us how to lift things, so that's really conve-

OH, WHAT THE HELL?!
You can't just drag injured hamsters across the ground like a sack of potatoes!
Oh man and Boss is still laying on his friggin face! You're all terrible friends.

The screen fades and when it returns, we find ourselves at the Clubhouse.

...What happened to Boss?
And more importantly, is that Wheel of Fortune playing on that tv?
Wait...where did hamsters get a working tv?

I just had to help a technologically impaired duck with a simple task on an ancient computer. My brain hurts.

The weirdo Ham-Ham tells us his name is Bo, and that he's from Rainbow Land! He then runs out of the room, exclaiming that he had better get home before everyone starts to worry about him! The entire group runs outside after him.
Bo then tells us something he think's will be impressive!

Uh, okay then.
Stan isn't impressed, but for all the wrong reasons:

Seriously, I could make a rainbow if I had a hose and some appropriately placed sunlight. It's not that hard.
But I guess Bo means a magical rainbow, which would be very different from your typical rainbow.
True facts, but it turns out his magic umbrella-ella-ella-ey has run out of magic and requires some more stuff to power it before he can even think about heading home.

Hamtaro pledges our help to him.

D'aww, look at his wittle determined face! So kyoot.

All the hamsters head back into the Clubhouse to discuss the plan of action.
After some argument, they split up into groups of two and run off without telling us where exactly they're going.
Suddenly!

Hey, Boss is still alive! Good to see that being hit with another hamster and then dragged goodness only knows how far on his FACE didn't really phase him. That's one resilient Ham-Ham.
He's also prepared to deliver an ass-kicking to Bo, but everybody stops him before he can. Lame.
They explain the dealio to Boss, and he exclaims that the Orange item must be an orange, because duh.
Unfortunately, he still suffers a little dain brammage, because he honestly believes that oranges can be formed by the sun getting caught in trees, and rushes off to the sunniest place they know.

So we find ourselves in the Clubhouse with only Hamtaro, Bijou and Maxwell. I decide to explore the Clubhouse a little, because hey, why the hell not?

Wow, that was rude, Hamtaro. It's clearly important junk. We go on the slide and then I get bored and decide to check the tv!


Hamtaro...I know it's you. Stop pretending to be a tv fortune teller. You look ridiculous.

I decide to leave the Clubhouse at this point, because I ran out of things to look at.

Oh hey, a map! And it also tells us who's with us, that's useful. Except, those little heads are really creeping me out...
Stop staring into my soul!

That's not Hamtaro, though. It's Hamstarr. He/she appears in Ham-Ham Olympics or whatever the Hell that game was called, and later on in this game. Maybe in the anime too. I just played the games religiously as a kid.