One Does Not Simply Walk into Mordor - Let's Play Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King for GBA

: I'm killin' me some uruk-hai~



: Give Saruman a black eye~



: Walkin' 'neath a bridge~



: What a pretty bridge~



: Give me all your lootsies~



: So I can go wootsies~



: Cry some moar~



: CRY SOME MOAR!

Second verse, much like the first!

: Ohhh, Aragorn's a hottie~



: And Wormtongue is a rottie~



: I'm killin' all your guys~



: Oh, killin' all your guys~



: Quit blockin' all my sword-hits!



: You smell like dwarven armpits!



: Screw you, orcs~




: SCREW YOU, ORCS!

After that montage, Eowyn decides to get serious.



... by which I mean she loots a treasure chest. Eh, close enough.

Well anyways, I'm sure you guys noticed that well-like structure Eowyn passed earlier. You know, the one with all that smithy related junk hanging off it?.

That's a forge. I have mentioned them in passing before, but this time we'll be going slightly more in depth. In Eowyn's own words





Yeah, so. Sounds good, right?

Well...



Here's the forge menu. also I have two bull's bucklers in my inventory. i got both in the same run of the same stretch of this level. that is ridiculous.

You only have two options on what to buy from a forge:



whetstone upgrades, and



... ... ...

wait just one second

...

...

...

AHEM. AS I was saying, you only have two options on what to buy from a forge: whetstone upgrades, and



the Adventurer's "bargain". It sounds nice, right?



Let's get it. After all who knows what kind of strange and wonderful things we might find?

...right...?



... yeah, who am I kidding. The Adventurer's bargain is shit. Don't use it unless you're prepared to throw away perfectly good gems on randomly generated trash.

Now excuse me while I fall asleep on my keyboard.

I vote that you equip the flint knife.

No way, you sadist. Besides, I loaded the state, and it seems I'd already sold it.

That said, there is a new weapon in our inventory to vote on:



The Blacksmith's longsword, which is identical to Allie except in that it gives +1 to Health instead of Courage.

Also, since nobody else had any other suggestions, I took Eightball's advice and dumped our twenty att. points



into strength







and accuracy.

Also, I just realized that I haven't actually explained whetstones yet. WELP.

Basically, whetstones are a permanent boost to your damage output. They have their own special slot up at the top of the inventory screen with Entwater (to be explained when we come across a Ranger's Hollow) and the two types of Kingsfoil. You can buy upgraded whetstones at Forges or Rune Forges. They get considerably more expensive with each successive purchase, but it's an investment to consider.

Now, since Eowyn doesn't actually have any whetstones yet, I'm making an executive decision and purchasing the basic Used Whetstone. Later on, though, I'll be leaving that kind of decision up to you guys.



...for the most part





There! And notice how you can now see the used whetstone on the top of the inventory screen, right above Mr. T.

Also, the different types of whetstones (at least up to a certain point, if I recall correctly) have different sprites, and I just think that's a nice touch~

After that, Eowyn goes to kick the asses of some foolish meager Uruk-Hai reinforcements before turning her attention towards progressing through the rest of the level.

On the way, she runs into... this thing.



:...eh? What's that?

That is very good question, Eowyn, because I haven't the damnedest clue. Seriously, despite playing through this game dozens of times, there are still a number of things which perplex me.



: ...It says "Warrior's Pool" on the rim.

... well, yes, but what does it dooooo?

: I dunno.

seriously, I cannot for the life of me remember what warrior's pools do. I pull up Eowyn's stat page while she's under the effect



but I don't see any difference.

Well, anyways, Eowyn continues onward, regardless of any unknown effects from drinking a massive bucket filled with an unidentified substance.



*RRRRUUUUMMMBLLLEE*

: Hunh...? Did you hear something, just now...?



: OWWWW! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHO DROPPED THAT?! AND HOW IN HELM'S NAME IS MY SPINE NOT A PANCAKE RIGHT NOW!?



: WHERE ARE ALL THESE BOULDERS COMING FROOOOMMM???



The wild Geodude used Rockslide. It's super effective!

: THAT ISN'T FUUUUUUNNNYYYYY!

Somehow, Eowyn manages to survive the rockslide without any further injury, and she even manages to walk away under her own power.

: I hate you so much right now

That's nice, Eowyn~

: I'm serious. I will not forget this. When the time comes, I will have my revenge. Even if it takes a hundred years, I will--



: --PONY!wait, wasn't I saying something? oh well. PONY!

And loot!

: You're right. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER! There's no way it could possibly get any better!

???: Hail, yon friend!

: Huh? Who's that...?

Last time, Eowyn was greeted by a mysterious stranger! Who is it...?



: Well met, Lady Eowyn!

: 'I couldn't believe my eyes, when I saw him... He stood firm, proud and tall, seeming to tower over the foes surrounding him. Like a hero straight out of the ancient legends, he fought with incredible strength and skill. Was this the might of those old kings, of those noble Numenoreans about whom we Rohirrim know so little?'



: On your guard! They attack!

: 'His eyes were dark, yet they glistened with an indescribable light, a radiance as grand as the Sun, yet as subtle as the Moon. His sword seemed alight in his hands, blue flames dancing across it as he effortlessly hewed another of the goblin-men. My heart was aflutter as I beheld his visage, sharp and strong. There was a slight, almost otherworldly fairness to his appearance, not readily apparent, but there all the same, and he seemed to move with an ease that I had never seen before.'



: Have at you, foul creatures! Your master cannot guard you from my blade!

: 'I was smitten with him, I knew. From the moment I first laid eyes on him, I had felt it. This ache in my heart, this yearning to be near him... it torments me. I cannot endure it...'



: Elendil! Elendil! For Gondor, and Arnor, and the free lands of the West!

: 'Aragorn, dear Aragorn. Alas, my heart beats only for you! Brave, wise, handsome Aragorn! Oh, tell me, true, was it fate, fickle fate, which has crossed our paths again so soon after we parted? Is it destiny which brings us together? Tell me, are we meant to be, truly? Or is this but fate's cruel mockery?'






: ...! ARAGORN!

gah, this took way too damn long to write. I doubt I'll be doing many more of these monologues in the future... and good riddance, I say.

Luckily, despite the cheesy melodrama of the previous post, named ally units are basically invincible outside of very specific instances, so Aragorn was completely unscathed and the Uruk swiftly dispatched.



And now Aragorn pretty much follows Eowyn for the rest of the level. Not much else happens, though, so I'll just give you a quick overview.

: Be grateful for small mercies, I guess.

Hush, you.



: Seriously, though, that was so awkward.



: I mean, I usually slaughter these guys by the dozen without so much as a care.



: Whoa, there, buddy! Personal space! ...i-it's not like I enjoy having your sprite clip through mine, or anything... b-baka...



: Ahem. That's much better. *turns away to hide blush*

Did you write Eowyn's impression of Aragorn? Gotta say, I enjoyed it XD So tsundere! I feel obliged to post this:

I am having way too much fun writing Eowyn as a tsundere for it to be entirely healthy.



ANYWAYS.

If you look closely at the above image, you might be able to see that Eowyn is facing a green armored Uruk-hai. It's basically a pallet-swap of the purple ones, except with better stats and armor.



Still, Uruk-hai soldiers are basically the weakest standard enemy type in the game, so their upgraded version isn't too much of a threat.



Also, they drop two loot items instead of one.

Yeah, and that's why it took me so long to get that post done. For point of reference, I started it yesterday.

Yeah.

and that image is truly wonderful~

: Ah! Another enemy appears!

: What? Where?! I can't see anything through all these leaves!

: There! *leans over and points*



: Eeeek! Personal space!

*KER-BONK*

After bonking Aragorn with her shield, Eowyn got embarrassed and used Rohan Sprint to run off.

Aragorn followed her, however, and she ended up running into a dead end.

And that's all for now. Next time, the dramatic conclusion*!

*may not actually be dramatic at all

Aragorn approached Eowyn slowly as she stared at the mound of boulders which blocked the pass down into the gap. His face was slightly red from where it had collided with Eowyn's buckler.



he told her, jaw set.

Eowyn spun around, shocked. She had not heard him approach her. She swallowed nervously, heart twittering like a jaybird in spring. She felt her cheeks grow hot as she looked up at him.



Eowyn could not bring herself to address the matter which had brought her there. Even just thinking about it made her feel humiliated.

Aragorn was silent for a moment. It was an awkward sort of silence, and Eowyn could tell that he was not exactly eager to bring the matter up himself.



: the morning.

He then turned and began walking away. After walking a few feet he stopped and called back over his shoulder.

: Come, Eowyn. Our paths have yet to part, it would seem. You can ride beside us a while longer still.

Eowyn was silent for a moment, her gaze lingering briefly upon Aragorn's back. He was a man of no mean stature, and she could not help but admire him. But then she shook her head and began walking after him, soon matching the ranger's pace nearly stride for stride.

: Very well,

she said in as regal a tone as she could manage in her black-bloody outfit,

: you shall have my aid for a while longer. Be grateful for it.

Aragorn grinned wryly in spite of himself, glancing sideways at the hard-headed princess, eyes twinkling with mirth.

: So I shall...

They rode for a while, heading into the hills of Rohan, which were yet crawling with scattered bands of leaderless Uruk-hai.



Accompanying them was a small contingent of Theoden's men.

note: I've always liked the sprites of the Rohirrim soldiers for some reason

: Be wary! The lingering forces of Saruman still befoul these lands with their presence.

: Then we shall exterminate them. They are not welcome here.



: Do not act in thoughtless haste, Eowyn. We needn't engage them in battle here and now.

: It is not in haste --- or without thought -- that I act, sir ranger. If we do not drive them from these lands now, they will become a problem for Rohan in the future.

: Do you mean like how the wild-men are a problem?

:....

Eowyn walked away from Aragorn, silent. His words had hit a little too close to home.



: ...very well...

she murmured at last, her words scarcely above a whisper.

: ...if you feel it to be unwise... then go ahead. I will stay behind, however, and clear them out myself.

She tightened her grip on Allie's hilt, staring straight ahead, not facing Aragorn.

: ...!

Aragorn stared after her, stunned. Theoden's men-at-arms gathered around him, visibly anxious at the thought of leaving the princess behind.



Aragorn smiled softly.

: ...I think I see it, now... those burning eyes... that obstinate way of thinking... you truly are his niece...

He then strode forth, walking past her.

: Very well, then. Do not be stayed over-long, princess. Your uncle will worry, otherwise.

With that, he marched off, the men-at-arms following with no little reluctance.

: Finally. Now I can get back to killing things.



: DIE, BIRD!

I remember that...it was a total waste.

Also, when she asks Aragorn "what time is it?" I can't help but answer...."IT'S GAME TIME!"

I know, right?

And I don't get know that is a reference to, but it sounds suitably silly~ :P

It's what Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens says before they play a football game. You can kinda see it here at about second 13 onwards

Ray says: What time is it?
Team responds: Game time!
Ray: What time is it?
Team: Game time?

It's definitely silly, but it sticks in my head...

Anyway, onto the update I could have done yesterday if I hadn't been lazy/distracted.

The start of this level has a lot of Crebain all roosted on pillars surrounding a well.


Seriously. There are a lot of crebain. This is probably the first area in Eowyn's route where you could seriously run the risk of attracting too much attention from you-know-who.



No, no, not that you-know-who.



...

...Ehh. Close enough.



Anyway, because I'm not completely loony, I decide to take them out before they become a problem.

The result?









...Lots and lots of exploding birdies.

Seriously, crebain are annoying, but that disintegrating effect when they die is oh so satisfying.



What's not as satisfying, of course, is when they evade your murder attempts.



: Heeey! Get back here and let me kill you!

: Ahoooo! Ahoooo!

Actually, I haven't mentioned it before, but there are kinda two types of crebain. The type that immediately go to fly off the map...



...and the kind that stay behind and try to peck out your goddamn eyes.

: AAAUUUGH! NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!

: Caw! Caaw! Down with the oppressors! Caaaww!

The two kinds are indistinguishable, and are usually mixed together. The result is that one or two will stay behind to attack you while the others make their get away.

It's a simple strategy, but one that can get kind of frustrating because it keeps getting you.



Pictured above: the only two crebain you can't get from the lower part of the level. Unless you have a ranged attack.
Which Eowyn doesn't.

Anyways, that's about it for this short update.

As a final note, when your character walks near water





you can see their reflection. it flickers in and out for a transparency effect
and it took me a while to get a good shot
Until next time,

Baltimore Ravens?

Fitting, given the content of this update...

I was gonna do an update, but when I sat down to write it I realized I was too tired to think of anything. So instead, here's some Eowyn fanart.

I know that feel. That's been me all day.

The fanart is lovely, though.

That picture is perfect. Except that, for me, if I wake up at any point past 7 a.m., even if I didn't get to sleep until well past midnight, I am pretty much completely incapable of falling back asleep. Such as was the case today. orz

But as for the fanarts, yeah, they're pretty nice. I especially like the third one, half because it so excellently invokes the regal aesthetics of medieval stained glass, and half because dem hips.

SO. After staring at her reflection for nearly a week, Eowyn was finally ready to move on.



: Man, even reflected in the surface of stagnant, muddy water, I am fiiiiine.

Naturally, she didn't take more than ten steps before she spotted a gaggle of Uruk-hai.



They might've had the high ground, but Eowyn had the strategic advantage... of being a player character.



: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! BLEED!



: MOAN!



: DIE!



: Ahhhh, that felt good.

It's at this point Eowyn (and I) notice that she is down to less than a quarter of her health.

: Yeesh. That's an awful lot of blood... I should probably find something to patch it up with.

So she did the rational thing and split a nearby tree stump with her sword.



: Drat. Nothing.



Then she noticed two crebain roosting atop a nearby ruin.

: Huh... those two look kind of familiar...

:... >:)

: It's payback time, you bird-brained sons of bitches!



: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! REVEEEEENGE!



: Aw, hell naw! I ain't lettin' you off the hook so easy, bird!



: OH GOD NOT THE FACE

: Okay, seriously? I am so not in the mood for this.



: Do you guys really wanna die this badly? Geez. You know I'm usually game for a good fight one-sided massacre, but I'm... just not the best of shape at the moment. Give me some time to patch myself up and I'll gladly come back and gut you all you want.



: SO GET OUT OF MY WAY.

: Treasure! Glee!



: ... dafuq?

Yeah. If you're unlucky, sometimes treasure chests will have nothing in them. And that's terrible.

ANYWAYS



OFF TO THE FORGE TO SELL OUR USELESS JUNK



LIKE SO

Also, it's been a while since we voted on equipment, and we have a couple new weapons to choose from.



The Sharpened Longsword, which sacrifices any potential stat buffs in favor of extra damage



and the Blacksmith's Longsword, which is identical to the Ally's Longsword except that it gives +1 to Health instead of Courage. And that's all for now.

I vote we sell Ally's Longsword, if only because MOAR DAMAGE.

Eowyn equips (or I vote for) Sharpened Longsword.

Okay, so that looks like two votes for equipping the sharpened longsword (so far). I probably won't be able to get around to it for a few days, though, since it's Christmas season and all that and Grandma Couillard is staying at our house visiting, so here's a little awesome something.



Seriously. Look at it.

It is GLORIOUS.

Oh you are right. That is glorious. I could not look away.

I LOLed, HARD. (I want see that full length NOW)

FFFFFFFF-
WON'T BE ABLE TO UPDATE YET
NEED TO UPGRADE IMGUR ACCOUNT FIRST
WHICH WILL TAKE A DAY OR TWO PROBABLY
BECAUSE I HAVE NOT ENOUGH MONIES AT THE MOMENT



HERE IS EOWYN PIC FOR UNTIL I HAZ ENUFF MONIES