Ridiculous News Stories Thread, or I Should Have Been A Cheese Smuggler

Biggest Canada-US smuggling bust since whiskey since Prohibition! Or just the funniest.

Cheese smuggling can make you bank until some Mounty looks in your trunk and sees 100 wheels of cheese.

I guess this could be a thread for ridiculous news that?

I apologize for the grammar and sentence structure above but not the idea. I'm too drunk now to fix those abominations written above but I'll be taking suggestions.

Well that'll have to be my consolation.

I don't know what can make up for the fact that I've never been a cheese smuggler and probably can't be in the future, with the Canadian Ministry of Cheese cracking down and all.

Pictured: the boss of bosses and his consiglere.

If it gets too expensive for Canadians to buy cheese, they'll just have to rennet.

Booooo

I like how well this post goes with your avatar.

This is from earlier in September but seems to fit right in here.

Heist at the Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve

Wait, which one is the boss again?

You know.

Man dies after eating a dozen live giant cockroaches.


I really don't get this. Why would anyone enter a contest to eat worms and cockroaches? It somehow makes sense to me that this happened in Florida. That's the only thing that makes sense about this whole stupid situation. You can even watch a video of him eating the bugs. Seems kinda weird since it killed him.

These contests are not that uncommon. They usually don't kill people. An entomologist professor was surprised that this happened. Maybe it was because he had also been in a "superworm" eating contest that day, and the worms and cockroaches plus his stomach acid mutated into a hideous INSECT GUT MOLE. Seriously, the autopsy will be... enlightening.

The fuck?

The most disturbing thing about this is that it is obviously moving backwards, as the best cheese I have ever eaten in my entire life is the super-old, practically crunchy 5+ year old Wilton cheddar.

Seriously. I will pay Canadian people to pack that shit in some proper cooling container and ship that to me.

My thought is maybe he ate one that had gotten into some bug spray? They are normally safe to eat, and everyone else in the contest is doing okay. Or he just died of a heart attack / stroke / brain aneurysm or whatever.

I like to think that the roaches were angry and burrowed out of his esophagus or stomach and started wreaking havoc on his insides. Maybe they ate his heart. I know this is bad but I really want to read the autopsy report.

First thing I thought of:

Imagine how the other contestants must have felt after seeing the guy go down.

"Uh oh...Am I next?"

I got dem black tops, some double cheese, red dilly, WMD and dat fine Canadian cheddah. What choo buy?

Yes! Prince of Darkness!

Two women steal hockey gear, sell it at 1/10 the asking price for the gear, and bring a toy gun for protection.

This is gruesome! Beware!

"South African arrested with 'nephew's genitals in his wallet' "

McAfee actually kills someone. Disappointingly, we can only speculate as to what role mockery of his shitty malware played in his victim's brave last stand.

GUESS WHO'S GOT THE INSIDE SCOOP

The guy is 67 with a 17 year old girlfriend and started experimenting with hallucinogens. Sounds like it's all fun n' games until you shoot your neighbor in the head.

Well to take hallucinogens you have to disable the firewall and anti-malwarewall because hallucinogens come from unlicensed vendors and you wouldn't be able to execute them otherwise. We can only speculate what worms and malwares and viruses and whatsits were allowed to pass through when his defenses were down. Probably the Imdumbandrichassfuxxxxxxzyzz.exe got into him. Who knows? Are any of you experts on such matters?



this is in terrible taste, i know. a man is dead from this nutzo, but.. yeah, got nothing.

Mad at Your Boyfriend's Eighth Grade Son? Why Not Plant a Gun in His Backpack and Send Him to School?

No word if the dad ended up dumping her.

It kind of makes me wonder if what really happened is that the kid was taking a gun to school and she called in the tip for real and was then pressured by her boyfriend to falsely confess to get his son off the hook. I know that sounds a little crazy, but it might be less crazy than an adult planting a gun on a child for no discernible reason.

Two things from the article:

They are either telling the truth or master liars with a sense of narrative. And, when would she have been pressured by her boyfriend in this timeline? I'll admit Occam's razor isn't its sharpest, here, but it still pushes me to one side.

I don't believe that I ever claimed to have read the whole article. ;)

Your wish is my command.

NOPE WE SURE CAN'T, NOPE NOPE, ESPECIALLY NOT WHEN ROACH-BITS PUKE IS CLOGGING OUR ENTIRE THROAT, NO SIRREE.

He drowned on roaches. That is the fuckin' weirdest.

I love that GIF. Totally stealsing.

Two and A Half Men Star "compares President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler," and thinks "that Obama's healthcare plan is a "carbon copy" of the healthcare policies of Hitler; and that a gas crises can lead to cannibalism."

Once again, foreign state-run media fails to 'get' The Onion.

It takes real effort to be as offensive as this whole story.

http://www.deredactie.be/cm/vrtnieuws.english/news/121126_HUB_drag

DOG-FUR KNITTING. KNITTING THE FUR OF DOGS. PEOPLE DO IT!

OF COURSE THE KEESHOND. WHO WOULD HAVE NEGLECTED TO KNIT KEESHOND FUR? ONLY AN AMATEUR!

I've seen cat-hair knitting also. It's not that strange, after all, we use the hair of plenty of other animals to make yarn.

Nute approves.