Ridiculous News Stories Thread, or I Should Have Been A Cheese Smuggler

Shake · Dec 4, 2012

I'm mostly just confused by the dog-fur yarn, because, at least for me, their is some kind of psychological barrier between house pets and farm sheep. Not saying it's rational complaint, but it strikes me as weird. Like when Lassy dies you'll have your Lassy fur hand warmers and tea cozies.

Alligator · Jan 11, 2013

I swear this wasn't me or anyone I am related to.

Certainly reminds me of the Onion's gorilla article though. ARM EVERYONE WITH GATORS!

Elyscape · Jan 11, 2013

Alligator said: ↑

I swear this wasn't me or anyone I am related to.

Certainly reminds me of the Onion's gorilla article though. ARM EVERYONE WITH GATORS!

Bonus: his name is Mr. Teeth. Holy shit that's awesome.

MrsWidget · Jan 12, 2013

I love this story.
http://www.detroitnews.com/article/20130111/NATION/301110458/1478/rss

January 11, 2013 at 6:55 pm
Central Park cannon found loaded with powder, ball

By Associated Press
New York — An 18th century cannon was found loaded with gun powder and a cannon ball Friday during a routine cleaning at the Central Park Conservancy.

Residual gun powder was spotted after a piece of rust was removed from the cannon, exposing the cannon ball, New York City Police said. Authorities were summoned to remove the gun powder and make the cannon safe for public display. The cannon came from a British Royal Navy Ship, the HMS, circa 1763 to 1780.

"We silenced British cannon fire in 1776 and we don't want to hear it again in Central Park," NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

Packing material, gun powder and a cannon ball are occasionally found inside cemented cannons when they are X-rayed during routine cleaning. A spokeswoman for the Central Park conservancy had no comment.

Jason T · Jan 12, 2013

MrsWidget said: ↑

"We silenced British cannon fire in 1776 and we don't want to hear it again in Central Park," NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said.

Then stop all this treasonous republic business and show due loyalty to Elizabeth II, Mr. Browne.

Sheepherder · Jan 15, 2013

a British Royal Navy Ship, the HMS, circa 1763 to 1780.

Ingmar · Jan 15, 2013

Alligator said: ↑

I swear this wasn't me or anyone I am related to.

Certainly reminds me of the Onion's gorilla article though. ARM EVERYONE WITH GATORS!

The sad footnote is that Mr. Teeth died like a day later.

EDIT: (Also I believe he was a caiman!)

Rasputin Jim · Jan 15, 2013

Ingmar said: ↑

The sad footnote is that Mr. Teeth died like a day later.

kerzain · Jan 16, 2013

Man outsources his own job to China for 1/5th his salary, and then spends his days browsing the internet and keeping the difference.

Article said:

Security audit finds dev OUTSOURCED his JOB to China
Cunning scheme netted him 'best in company' awards

A security audit of a US critical infrastructure company last year revealed that its star developer had outsourced his own job to a Chinese subcontractor and was spending all his work time playing around on the internet.

The firm's telecommunications supplier Verizon was called in after the company set up a basic VPN system with two-factor authentication so staff could work at home. The VPN traffic logs showed a regular series of logins to the company's main server from Shenyang, China, using the credentials of the firm's top programmer, "Bob".

The analysis of his workstation found hundreds of PDF invoices from the Chinese contractors and determined that Bob's typical work day consisted of:

9:00 a.m. – Arrive and surf Reddit for a couple of hours. Watch cat videos
11:30 a.m. – Take lunch
1:00 p.m. – Ebay time
2:00-ish p.m – Facebook updates, LinkedIn
4:30 p.m. – End-of-day update e-mail to management
5:00 p.m. – Go home

Source.

Elyscape · Jan 16, 2013

Courtesy of our glorious fatbird on Facebook:

A German student "mooned" a group of Hell's Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said.

Shake · Jan 16, 2013

WHY WOULD ANYONE THROW A PUPPY

Juste · Jan 16, 2013

Why would anyone moon Hell's Angels?

I (or more accurate, my girlfriend) has a relative that snitched on Bandidos in a drugs case. Bad move.

Meserach · Jan 18, 2013

People's GPS/triangulation signals from their lost or stolen Sprint mobile phones keep getting mistakenly redirected to one random guy's house - and it affects police dispatchers too:

Wayne Dobson doesn't have your cellphone.

Even if it looks like he might.

In the past two years the 59-year-old retiree has been pestered by people showing up at all hours of the day and night at his house, demanding their phones. They've yelled, shown him evidence, called the police - sworn that their phone is in his house.

But he's no thief.

"It's very difficult to say, 'I don't have your phone,' in any other way other than, 'I don't have your phone,' " Dobson said.

What has become a powerful tool for police hunting down bad guys and people who lose their phones or who call 911 has backfired on Dobson. An unexplained glitch with at least one cellphone company is directing people with missing phones to his North Las Vegas home.

And the glitch is also affecting police, who have twice been wrongly directed to his house on domestic violence calls. That has forced Dobson to post a sign on the front of his house telling people he doesn't have their phone.

kerzain · Jan 22, 2013

America Online said:

Washington Woman Accused of Using Her Breasts to Smother and Kill Boyfriend

A 51-year-old woman from Everett, Wash., is believed to have suffocated her boyfriend to death with her breasts on Saturday, Jan. 12. Deputies, called to the Airport Inn trailer park at 12:45 a.m. for a disturbance report, found medics performing CPR on the woman's 51-year-old alleged boyfriend, who was later pronounced dead at Swedish Hospital.

Other women around the world are known to have allegedly used their breasts as weapons.

In November, German lawyer Tim Schmidt claimed his girlfriend tried to smother him with her 38DD breasts. Schmidt said she pretended it was a sex game, the Daily Mail reported. "I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: 'Treasure - I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible,'" he said. The 33-year-old woman was reportedly accused of "attempted manslaughter with a weapon," according to the Daily Mail.

A U.K. mother of three nearly smothered her boyfriend with her 40LL breasts while they were having sex in 2010, CBS reported via News of the World. She mistook his flailing for excitement, until she noticed that he had stopped moving and appeared to not be breathing. Luckily, the man regained consciousness, but the two broke up shortly thereafter.

Source: Be aware, AOL has a close-up picture of bikini-clad breasts on the other side of this link.

MrsWidget · Jan 22, 2013

Clarksville man warns of zombie attack before arrest
http://tnne.ws/WpbfyB

A Clarksville (TN) man was charged with public intoxication on Saturday after he stood in a woman’s yard yelling, “zombies,” according to a report from the Clarksville Police Department.

Around 11 p.m., police received a call from a woman who said a man was stumbling down the roadway in front of her house.

Police found James David Cunningham, 22, stumbling around the woman’s yard yelling “zombies” repeatedly, according to the report.

Police noticed a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from Cunningham, who had slurred speech, blood shot eyes and was not making sense, according to the report.

Cunningham admitted to consuming alcohol.

MrsWidget · Jan 23, 2013

http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/...er-Princess-Bride-quote-says-passengers-.html

'Princess Bride' quote terrifies passengers headed for New Zealand

POSTED: Wednesday, January 23, 2013, 9:06 AM

Wynand Mullins—a Kiwi living in Sydney, Australia—boarded a flight to Auckland, New Zealand on Sunday night. As his fellow passengers were settling in, a flight attendant approached him and asked him to remove his shirt (bow chicka wow wow). The reason he was asked to remove his shirt isn't sexy at all, though. It's actually because it donned text that was apparently "intimidating" other passengers. The quote?
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Best response comment:

His proper to the flight attendant should have been:

"I do not think it means what you think it means."

MrsWidget · Jan 29, 2013

Sad.

Carjackers foiled by manual transmission
http://newsok.com/carjackers-foiled-by-manual-transmission/article/feed/493627?custom_click=rss

An attempted carjacking in Florida speaks to the increasingly lost art of driving cars with a manual transmission: the would-be thieves couldn't figure out how to steal a Chevrolet Corvette.

Randolph Bean was sitting in his bright yellow Corvette when two men approached, one with a gun, outside the Orlando Regional Medical Center, MyFoxOrlando.com reports.

Bean, who barely saw them coming, sayd they tried to force open the door. When it flung open, he was dragged out, Bean told the TV station and website.

Then, things started getting strange.

One of the thieves, pointing the gun at him, demanded to know how the car operates. They couldn't start it, and Bean said he had to tell them repeatedly to push in the clutch. They still couldn't figure out how to drive it. Eventually, they ran off, leaving the cars keys behind but making off with Bean's wallet, phone and house keys.

"My first thought was I guess we don't have driver's ed in school anymore because no one knows how to drive a stick," Bean told MyFoxOrlando. "And my second thing was, 'don't shoot me because you can't start the car.' I'm trying to help you out here."

kerzain · Jan 29, 2013

That story really grinds my gears.

Otterloop · Jan 30, 2013

Las Vegas sex trafficker sentenced to prison in 2010 Alaska case

Gadson posted ads on Craigslist.org and Backpage.com offering the women "as available for commercial sex acts" and included their pictures, the plea agreement says.

"He also helped her. He is not proud of that fact, and indeed, he is ashamed of it," the memo says. "Looking back, he is amazed that he allowed himself to fall so far. He sincerely rues his decisions and actions."

"Judge Gleason found that Gadson was a longtime trafficker, essentially living off of women, and so proud of his conduct that he had the word 'Pimp' tattooed on the side of his neck," the prosecutors wrote.

Alligator · Feb 3, 2013

After 200 years, women in Paris finally allowed to wear pants

On January 31, Najat Vallaud-Belkacem, France's minister of women's rights, made it officially impossible to arrest a woman for wearing trousers in the French capital.

The law required women to ask police for special permission to "dress as men" in Paris, or risk being taken into custody.

In 1892 and 1909 the rule was amended to allow women to wear trousers, "if the woman is holding a bicycle handlebar or the reins of a horse."

This is shaping up to be a pretty good week for France.

Sheepherder · Feb 4, 2013

I predict a sharp rise in cheese smuggling.

Shake · Feb 5, 2013

Alright, here's the plan: we all move to Wisconsin and the UP of Michigan. In Wisconsin we buy extraordinarily cheap cheese straight from the dairies, then we load up our party barges in Michigan with the 100% pure Wisconsin cheese and cross at Lake Superior's butt (Sault St Marie) into Canada. From there we disperse into the woods with rucksacks of the contraband with the intention of selling to restaurateurs.

Bahimiron · Feb 5, 2013

MrsWidget said: ↑

Sad.

I know. I can't believe that that 'sayd' typo is still in there.

MikeSofaer · Feb 5, 2013

http://www.loweringthebar.net/2013/02/axe-wielding-hitchhiker-dude.html

Smash, smash, SMASH!

kerzain · Feb 5, 2013

Boy, 7, suspended for throwing imaginary grenade
While playing a game of ‘rescue the world,’ Alex Evans tossed an imaginary grenade into a box. Because of the school’s ‘no real or play fighting’ rule, the boy was kicked out of school.

Evans told reporters that he was merely playing a game during recess at the school, which is about an hour north of Denver, when he threw an imaginary grenade into a box that contained make-believe evil forces. “I pretended the box, there’s something shaking in it, and I go ‘pshhh,” he explained, adding, importantly, that he didn’t threaten anyone or throw anything real at anyone.

“I was trying to save people and I just can’t believe I got dispended,” said Alex Evans, the little boy, who can’t even pronounce his punishment, let alone understand why it happened.

Source.

And in related news:
5-year-old gets letter sent home to parents after building toy gun out of Legos

jerri blank · Feb 7, 2013

Man gets W-2 stamped 666, quits job

Given the number of times this has happened to him, he may actually be Satan or maybe the Antichrist.

Quitting your job won't help, (Beelze)bub.

AaronSofaer · Feb 7, 2013

I bet someone at that job decided to just fuck with some. Some smartaleck IT guy.

Jason McCullough · Feb 8, 2013

God, people and their fucking non-canon hallucination bible chapter.

Elyscape · Feb 8, 2013

Hooray Apocrypha!

kerzain · Feb 8, 2013

That story makes me wonder how Xerapis feels about being BF user #666. Is continued use of the forum worth eternal damnation?

Xerapis · Feb 8, 2013

Pretty sure I'm already totally damned for the whole being gay thing, so might as well as keep BrokenForuming since I'm certainly not gonna stop fucking dudes.

MatthewF · Feb 8, 2013

I've had several $6.66 receipts at McDonalds and Wendy's. I always tell the people at the drive-thru, "haha, my receipt is $6.66!" I've had two people discount me $0.01 and 1 person add $0.01. I contested the $0.01 addition, and the woman actually told me that I could either take the devil's food, or leave and never come back. Me and the wife decided to have some fun, so she started to pretend-laugh hysterically, and the poor woman ran away screaming. We're not welcome at that Wendy's anymore. I have no idea why! We were hungry, though, and never got our food :(

We really aren't bad people, we just never expected that kind of reaction :/

Nick · Feb 8, 2013

MatthewF said: ↑

I've had several $6.66 receipts at McDonalds and Wendy's. I always tell the people at the drive-thru, "haha, my receipt is $6.66!" I've had two people discount me $0.01 and 1 person add $0.01. I contested the $0.01 addition, and the woman actually told me that I could either take the devil's food, or leave and never come back. Me and the wife decided to have some fun, so she started to pretend-laugh hysterically, and the poor woman ran away screaming. We're not welcome at that Wendy's anymore. I have no idea why! We were hungry, though, and never got our food :(

We really aren't bad people, we just never expected that kind of reaction :/

That is seriously awesome. Just so you know, I would have just taken the receipt and walked away. If you want to make a stink with a restaurant chain don't argue with the unreasonable person in front of you, write or call management later. You can probably get the person canned fairly easily.

RyanMM · Feb 12, 2013

Meanwhile, in Japan!

http://theprevailingethos.com/2013/01/29/bill-murray-catches-bank-robber-in-tokyo/

Oh. But this may not be true or anything. So, uh...yeah.

Elyscape · Feb 14, 2013

Man attempts grocery shopping, car decides brakeless 200km/h race more in order.

Narcusis · Feb 14, 2013

FreedomWorks Made Video of Fake Giant Panda Having Sex With Fake Hillary Clinton
..ever read one of those news stories where your brain just refuses to contemplate it?

Alligator · Feb 15, 2013

Couple has newborn photos taken of their newly adopted children. Except their children are 10 and 13 years old.

(Actually it's a really adorable story.)

Shake · Mar 20, 2013

Rascals claim to be Moorish Citizens and exempt from US law and taxes (recently a dude in Maryland squatted in a 12 bedroom mansion for sale for months, claiming he was free to do so as a Moorish Citizen) much to the chagrin of the Moorish Science Church.

Weird and interesting.

I want to try squatting in for sale mansions now. Seems like fun. Sorta reminds me of the Barefoot Bandit.

Jason T · Mar 22, 2013

Doctors in Canada have removed a knife blade from a man's back more than three years after he was stabbed in a fight.

BBC said:

Billy McNeely of the Northwest Territories told local media he had suffered itching and minor pain but did not know the blade was still embedded. This week, his nail caught the tip of the 7.5cm blade and uncovered it.

Brian Rubin · Mar 22, 2013

GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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Ridiculous News Stories Thread, or I Should Have Been A Cheese Smuggler

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