The "I'm Depressed" thread

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal

I'm depressed about this thread being made.
Depressed/irritated.
Depressitated.

it's all for you. enjoy!

Yes its too bad that people have to judge how one deals with their depression rather then be supportive.

This is the thread where you can do that and people will be supportive.

Cold silence has
a tendency to
atrophy any
sense of compassion.

Between supposed brothers.
Between supposed lovers.




I just ate an entire fudge thing dipped in peanut butter because I hate myself today. Things will get better, folks.

Is this also the passive aggressive thread?

Nope its where people who are depressed get to go so they are laughed at and joked about because they want to vent as a way to deal with their depression.

Does being on that cross make it hard to read what people actually write? I imagine so, since what you wrote is in no way, shape, or form the truth. Lots of people vent in the other thread, they vent constructively and engage in a healthy dialogue with each other and genuinely seem to get support and help. MulMizu has done a fine job of understanding what people were saying. So I believe that this, like many things that occur on this forum, is a you problem.

You get a Like from me simply because Tool lyrics :)

And then I continued running away from the confrontation/conflict in this thread!

You can hide in the confrontation fort with me.

Can we wear silly hats?

No, see you keep playing the pity card where you feel everyone should just put up with any sort of behavior, even if it's disruptive, just because someone's depressed. It's rough to have to live with, certainly, but it isn't a free pass to do whatever you want because hey, that's just how you deal with your depression.

If you'll notice, the other thread has plenty of helpful and/or informative posts from people who are actively seeking advice or who are willing to give it out, sprinkled with a few others that focus mostly on venting or a simple declaration of someone's "feels". Saying the latter is inappropriate in a discussion created to talk about experiences with depression that might end up being helpful to others is no different than pointing out the derailment of any other topic. It's not about judging how someone chooses to deal with their depression, it's about the common courtesy of keeping with the actual topic of discussion. If you want a place to simply vent because that's constructive for you, by all means create a thread. I'd say you could use this one since Ely sort of made it for that purpose, but it appears that a few of you forgot to wipe your feet.

Maybe when someone vents they get things out rather then keeping it inside where it will hurt them, that seems to be 'dealing with depression'. Maybe someone else can say yes I have felt the same way and give some advice or just show that its not always that way, again that seems to be 'dealing with depression'. Maybe one just needs someone to for once acknowledge their feelings and what they are going through is valid. Again that seems to be a way of 'dealing with depression'. To say that such things are inappropriate in the other thread is bullshit.

Like this one? http://brokenforum.com/index.php?threads/dealing-with-depression.3515/

So far not a single person has said venting isn't helpful to some people and nobody is being nasty about any of it. But the person who posted the thread has said specifically that simple venting isn't the type of discussion it was made for. So yes, in that respect, it is inappropriate. You don't have to like it, but I don't see why you feel that everything has to accommodate you all the time. There's no rule saying there can only ever be one true thread about depression. Hell, people can even state in the thread that they don't like it if they want to. All I'm saying is that the spirit of the thread is not "THESE ARE MY FEELS. THE END" and I think the discussion is far more constructive without such posts.

But since you're just being snotty about the whole thing and I don't think talking to you is useful in any way, you can ignore all that and just imagine I responded only with "No, what YOU said is bullshit!".

Hey, brettmcd. You and I haven't gotten along in the past and you've likely even got me on ignore, but I would like to point out in the friendliest, most courteous way possible that this is exactly the thread for doing exactly what you are talking about. I have faith that it'll settle down, people will feel comfortable using it for it's intended purpose, and it'll be a smashing success for everyone involved.

Here, I'll start. My illness has been particularly difficult the last few years and has been taking a terrible toll on my family, which I am extremely fortunate to have. I can't seem to get a handle on my depression for any length of time, despite several medication changes, and those are starting to take their toll physically. I have muscle tremor and numbness affecting my forearms and hands, which makes my job difficult and takes a toll on the shooting sport I participate in, one of the few things I can almost always muster interest in even when I've lost it in most everything else. I'm also generally overweight because of medication and depression laziness, but I think I'd rather be fat than dead. I'm tired of hurting and hurting those around me, I'm tired of fighting every single moment of every day just to be a low-functioning human being, tired of fucking faking it, tired of never seeing an end or even a reprieve to strive towards, but I still have to strive, moment by moment, for the only real reason I've got, my wife and daughter. The mere thought of leaving them alone breaks my heart and keeps me going. As much as I know being with me hurts, I'm sure being without me would hurt worse.

So that felt good to type, and I'm glad I did it. Now all of you shut the fuck up and show some goddamn respect.

I've got a terrible grasp on what I should be doing at age 21. I feel like my job is not something to take pride in, despite even finding work right now being incredibly difficult. At the same time, it's also difficult to find classes to take that would be able to fit my working schedule, not to mention the price of taking said classes.
I've got literally no support at home, online is shaky. I'm constantly obsessing about my appearance and weight because of mental issues and it is a pain in the ass to eat 1200 calories a day if I haven't exercised because I feel like every single calorie is adding a pound to my body, but the fear of my boyfriend finding out that I haven't eaten enough is the motivation to get me to eat.
I keep having awful flashbacks about past events that have occurred and it's irritating to be happy one second and shaking or crying the next. I hate seeing the backs of some people's heads and freezing in fear. I hate not being able to walk around downtown LA without being on high alert. I hate all of the irrational anxieties and fears that have come with all of this bullshit.
I don't know if I should be a person that should be in a relationship because I can't seem to keep my eyes on one goddamn person and it's driving me fucking batshit. I would love to blame it on being young or whatever, but the fact of the matter is I've had two boyfriends in my life; one dumped me for a cartoon horse and the other was the type to be "WE'RE GONNA GET MARRIED AND HAVE THOUSANDS OF BABIES" two months in. I didn't have the "search around until you find the perfect one for you" experience that everyone seems to say is what happens. At first, I was like "yeah, okay, this is cool". Now I'm upset because I want to be able to experience that. But I realize that just wouldn't work out because the entire time, I'd be thinking "well obviously I'm not good enough for Guy B i'm not worth his time i should just diet/obsess over my skin/hair/voice/personality until I'm sitting in scalding hot bathwater again sobbing and wondering why i feel this way all the fucking time". And that shit's not fucking healthy.
I've managed to keep my suicidal thoughts down to a minimum by the grace of being distracted by shiny shit all the time, but I know that the distractions are going to have to end eventually and I don't know what I'm going to do when they DO end. What am I going to DO? Obviously I could make an appointment to see a therapist and bide my time until then, but I don't like that idea for a multitude of reasons. MOSTLY "by the time i get to the therapist, chances are my feelings will have nulled the fuck out into nothing so what the fuck is the point even".

I feel like I have to be a goddamn rock because if I let my parents and my workplace and my schooling and my job searches and my boyfriend push me too far to some indistinct fucking edge i'm going to fall the fuck over and there will be nothing to catch me just this gigantic fucking gaping black chasm of neverending fucking misery

FUCKING.
FUCK.


yeah okay that felt okay.
now i get to deal with the emotional residue

I asked for this, I even suggested this thread in the other one. I know how hard it is to be climbing out of the hole and see someone else still digging deeper.
I find I am standing on a pile of dirt in the hole. Somethings are helping me climb, others .. well they are that misstep that has me tumble down this dirt pile to the bottom again.

I ask myself every damned day. Is it worth climbing this again. Is it worth worrying about taxes, about the genetic residue of my own issues cropping up in my son, the pain of trying to move ..just to move.
Is it worth it, to wake up , seeing lovely sunshine .. and finding myself unable to breathe.

Sometimes there is a moment that it falls away, I laugh .. I cherish something. I can inspire hope in other people why the hell can't I get a hold on my own inadequacies and kick this into gear?
I found my fathers marine corps watch today, I never realized the coin he carried in his pocket was my birth year. They both so rarely told me what they felt, thought, wanted ..
I was never quite what they expected, certainly not what could be accepted. Why is it I only got unconditional support as they lay dying? That alone made me promise I would tell my son everytime that I will love him no matter what, even on the other side of a pane of gun proof glass he does time for murder. I will love him anyway, disappointed but love.
This is the first time I have cried for more than a moment since may, I am not sure how I am going to make it through this christmas. I cannot ignore it and I don't wish to drive my family into nutjobs because of my own feelings.
I am tired. I think I have been tired since I turned 15. Is it time yet?

"No. I'm not shitting you. If people saw the world for what it truly is. Saw their lives for what they truly are. Without dreams or illusions. I dont believe they could offer the first reason why they should not elect to die as soon as possible."

This is probably the wrong thread for that.

Although, as I understand it, Buddhism strives for just that, except that the enlightened don't tend to kill themselves.

I absolutely do not want to minimize what you are feeling here, because that is indeed upsetting, but you ARE young, and the search-around-until-you-find-the-one experience is nowhere NEAR done for most people by your age. Honest. It's okay!

Anyhoo, like Elyscape said, even if you are not currently feeling like shit, if feeling like shit is a recurring theme (and it sounds like it is for you), a therapist is not necessarily a bad idea. The therapist is not going to say "HEY YOU AREN'T DEPRESSED ENOUGH BE GONE FROM HERE MISSY," and in fact when you're feeling more clearheaded instead of "baaaaaaw," that can help you examine the baaaaaaaaw-times with clearer eyes with someone who knows what they're doing. <3

Replace "wife and daughter" with "Quat and my mother", and I could have written that sentence myself.

I'm mentally ill enough that I'm on disability for it. I want to be able to hold down a job. I want to be able to finish school. (If vocational rehab ever calls me the fuck back, I'll be trying school again come January...) Hell, I'd be happy if I was stable enough to do volunteer work a few hours a week. I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be, but I'm still not functional. I go to sleep never knowing what condition I'll wake up in. Bring here on BF helps, both for a social life and for distraction from whatever my brain is doing at the moment. In person I have a hard time making friends because of social anxiety. So thank you all. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go look at the baby animal thread some more...

I'm going to Talisker's ex-mother-in-law for all of my depression-related advice.

There actually is one that actually works.

I was going to slam Elyscape by saying 'Someday you assholes will check to see if there's already a thread for this shit!' to get him back for publicly humiliating me in the #1reasonwhy thread, but then people got all serious in here.

Hah! That was a Cormac McCarthy quote (from The Sunset Limited); I find my worldview trending ever closer to White's as I age. It's awesome.

I slept almost all today, after days of insomnia. Why is this going in the depressed thread? Because -- thanks to all the sleep, I missed two doses of my meds. I just took a dose, and am trying to focus on happy things, but it's... not easy... right now.

Another visit to the psychiatrist, more drugs. Now I'm adding bupropion to the lithium and lamotrigine, along with some xanax. Mmmm, xanax. I took a half xanax after I got home and ended up having a much more productive afternoon than I've had in quite a while. Perhaps I've been more locked up by anxiety than I thought, and that's what has been causing me to be inert and lethargic. Or maybe it was a fluke! Who the fuck knows?

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, Griot. I've got an anti-anxiety med -- Klonopin -- that I should probably take more often, but I never remember when I start freaking out. Quat has to remind me that I've got it. Pathetic of me.

Alligator, your situation could cause anybody to be depressed. You deserve to have a career; you shouldn't have to settle for Wal-Mart just for your husband's sake. Relationships are about compromise, not sacrifice. This way you should both have jobs in your respective fields, and therefore it's a perfectly reasonable move. He shouldn't be saying it's all because of you. That's not fair. ((hug)) Hang in there...

The thing is he's saying he's moving for her, not because of her. There's a little difference there.

That said, sorry to hear about your situation, Alli.

Once again, I'm having fun with tactile hallucinations. God, they suck. I'm the only one awake in the house, and I can't take a shower because all my supplies are in a bathroom where it would wake up my MIL, and Jesus fucking Christ this is uncomfortable. (Showers cause the crawling feeling on my skin to go away because of the feel of the water coming down on me. They're very handy for that.) And none of my friends are on Skype because it's 1am... all I can do is take a pill and hope it passes soon. Joy.

:( What kind of other sensations help? Some of the kids I work with have a weighted blanket for similar reasons.

I'm...I don't think I'm depressed...but some days, I honestly feel that I'm teetering on the edge of being functional and realistic about the world around, about to fall in the chasm of depression, loneliness, and bitterness. It's taken a lot for me to climb out of that in the last year, and I don't want to go back, but I'm absolutely terrified that some days it feels unavoidable. I'm anxious about being depressed, I suppose.

I don't know, I haven't found anything else that works... Is there anything else that helps your kids that I might have around the house? Also, out of curiosity, what kinds of kids do you work with?

Kids with social disabilities. Anxiety and depression are typically comorbid, and a lot of them are on the autistic spectrum. (Jumping in the pool really helps, too, which is why I thought of it when you mentioned the shower). Essentially, the sensations they respond to are "deep touch" - I interviewed and unfortunately didn't get a part time job at a massage clinic recently, but the owner was really interested in the topic and we talk a lot about it during the interview.

I would suggest some firm self-massage working from your wrists up to your shoulders. It might just work! Or not. It can be hit or miss, but when it works it works.

Excellent advice, sir. Although I went and woke up my spouse and got him to snuggle me and stroke my back, which helped. I'm feeling a bit calmer now. Hope it lasts. The self-massage is worth trying.

Also, let me say that you're doing good work. You're awesome.