The "I'm Depressed" thread

Thanks, it helps to hear that.

I finally had a meltdown last night and Mr. A talked it out with me. Nothing really was resolved per se, but we figured out that we'd been terribly misinterpreting each other about the move. In my efforts to try to be neutral about the decision so I didn't over-influence him one way or another, my excitement about it got lost in translation so he thought I wasn't particularly happy about it either way, which reinforced his nervousness about it and his second-guessing about the decision and whatnot. So now we're both going to try to be deliberately irrationally exuberant for the next few days to make up for lost time.

Like button not good enough. LOVE.

"HELLO DARLING I LOVE YOU LET'S GO OUT FOR TEA AND CAKES"
"WHY THAT SOUNDS MARVELOUS DARLING LET ME GET MY COAT"
"OH DEAR DON'T YOU KNOW?"
"WHAT"
"YOU DON'T NEED A COAT TO KEEP YOU WARM; MY LOVE WILL WRAP AROUND YOU AND KEEP YOU WARMER THAN ALL THE COATS IN THE WORLD"
"OHHHHHH DARLINGGGGG~~"

there's a reason it's in all caps.

Actual post time. I'm a little sad because I don't think that I am in love with my bf anymore. I love him, don't get me wrong. I just don't think that I'm in love with him. We'll see if that's really the case in the next two weeks, but from what I'm feeling now...eeehhhhh. It's sad. It's making me sad.

Good luck. I think it's hard to tell in a relationship when it's "falling out of love" and when it's just "moving past the lovey dovey butterflies feelings." But I probably don't have enough relationship experience to be giving advice.

Here's my own tl;dr. I've been unemployed for over a year now. I was self-employed for a while, coming out of college, and was reasonably successful I guess. Then the market fell out in what I was doing, and I got sick, and broke a bone that I could barely afford to get treated, and I ended up falling into a really bad episode where I was too depressed to get out of bed most days, let alone work.

I guess I'm feeling mostly stable, now, and I have no idea what to do with myself. I've never had a job that I didn't get by chance (i.e., by just happening to know someone who needed help with some random thing). I was trying to just apply to a retail job last week and I got stuck at "references." I don't have any references other than a guy I worked for in college, and I'm embarrassed to email him and say, "Can I use you as a reference to apply for a minimum wage job?"

A lot of me feels bitter that this culture puts so much emphasis on having a career as your life goal. I can't think of any career that I want to be defined by, but I don't know how much of that is just my feeling that I will never have a career and thus it's a waste to think about. I would like to have kids -- I guess being a stay-at-home mom is a socially acceptable life goal -- but I'm pretty sure I'm infertile, and I can't afford any kind of treatment for that. Oh, and it's almost my 25th birthday, so that doesn't help either.

Lately it comes in bursts. Like, I'll just be sitting there having a good time and I'll get this thought of, "Oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing with my life." I don't know if that's better or worse than just being depressed all the time.

Come here and let me hold you. Let me hold you and tell you that everything will be alright. It'll all work out in the end. Because I love you and you deserve to feel -- and believe -- that that's true.
Also I bitterly hate the "references" section of any and all work applications. It is entirely possible to be an amazing workperson and not have a goddamn reference. Further, I hate when it's applied to minimum wage jobs; how the fuck do they know this isn't the first job someone is applying to? They don't. but that's just my bitter feelings towards the application process in general. /giant hug

Not anything I'm in a hurry to get back into; I'll leave it at that. Whatever I end up doing, I'll be pretty much starting from scratch/luck.

I was rather shy of posting here, to be honest, but I think it's the right place? I tend to bottle things up so much that I end up acting generally weird in all the wrong places, so I think it would be nice to vent. And I have pretty much no one to vent with - not on these dates at least - so please bear with me.

I'm rather sad and frustrated these days. Some pretty hard things have happened and I've had to shoulder them fully, it has been like that for many years (seven?) now. The deal is that my actual problems will end up with me on the street with no house, no nothing. But more than anything, my actual problems will force me to abandon the most important person of my life, whom I'm currently taking care of after she suffered a cerebrovascular accident. It's a rather long story on which I don't think I'll go into too much detail because, you know, I don't think she'd appreciate me airing her personal stuff so publicly.

Thing is, I'm about to lose my job. I've been skipping most of November and December to take care of this person, I've spent all my savings into paying not even half of her humongous hospital debt and rehab, and I've been trying my best to put on a happy face for her despite being uncertain and desperate.

I am a baker, or at least an apprentice. I work rather far away from home, so if something were to happen to this person I wouldn't be able to get back in time to help her. I actually need to be close to her all the time, since she is in no state to be left alone and there is no one else to do it. My boss is a very compassionate man, and he forgave me for skipping most of November, but I know he can't afford to pay for a pair of hands that won't be working.

I can't ask for loans since I'm already indebted, and I'm estranged with a big part of my family. I've swallowed my resentment and begged them for help, only to have their doors slammed on my face. My friends are all working class, with barely enough to survive, so I can't count on them for this. The autorities don't offer any solutions, and public healthcare plans have also been denied to us.

I have no idea what to do. I escape from the situation some nights with booze that I had stored from before, but the amount of bottles are quickly thinning and so is my composure.

I have no idea what to do.

Kaneda, I have no advice, but *hugs* for you.

Thanks. Really, when you are feeling so despaired, even an internet hug feels like a huge deal. All the hugs for you too, and I hope your laboral and general situation grows better, Nerys.

All the internet ((hugs)) for you, Kaneda. I wish I had good advice to give, too...

Kaneda, you've got all of my hugs. I sincerely hope that things manage to work out for you. Perhaps have a talk with your boss and see if there are things that you can get done from home?

I wish it was possible, but the kind of baking we do there isn't really something you can do at home. I'll ask again anyway, maybe I can... dunno, research new recipes? It sounds rather ridiculous but I'm not above begging him. At all.

Fun thing is, the person I'm taking care of has no idea of what's going on. I've managed to completely fool her, which is really good since the medics said she couldn't worry or get agitated lest the blood on her brain decides to clog again. I'll be able to keep this charade up until February at the very maximum, and then... what?

THEN... Then you calmly explain everything, I guess? Maybe in small segments, so she doesn't get too bothered?

Hahahaha, I'm rather cowardly, you see. The idea of me slipping and causing her to get agitated scares me to the point of wailing. I guess I am still a kid.

I do think it is necessary, though. Hopefully before then, so that it doesn't take her by surprise. I'll see how she is doing when she wakes up one of these days, and if it's one of the good ones I'll do my best to explain things.

Sounds like a good idea ;w; I don't have any advice either, so I'm just going to hug you through the internet instead. *huggles*

Holy cow, you're making me grin like an idiot with all of these hugs. It really makes everything a little better so thank you for that, guys.

Well I guess it's my turn. I am a ruined human being. This is the story about me. You want honesty? Here's some fucking honesty for you.

First up, some humiliating little factoids about myself. I'm 27 years old, and I've never had a real job, I never went to college, I've never had a girlfriend, I didn't get my driver's license until I was 23, I didn't get a bank account until last Summer, I still live at home (no, not in a van down by the river), and I mostly take care of my little brother and sisters when the need arises (my parents divorced and my ex-stepfather was in prison for a while and isn't really allowed to be with the kids much). When I'm not doing that I'm usually on MTURK doing mundane shit for meager pay.

I would like to say that I've tried to get a job, but whenever I get to the references section like ol' Nerys up there, I draw blanks. I have none. I sent my "resume" to one place (seasonal work in a greenhouse) and they obviously didn't respond. Because hey, who the fuck is going to hire somebody who's 27 and has virtually no history to speak of? He's obviously a meth addict serial rapist! Because of this, I have zero confidence and no self-esteem whatsoever.

And I am in absolute despair.

Ah, but here's the twist: It's not because of anything I've just said. I mean sure, none of that makes me feel good about myself, but it's all absolutely secondary in nature to the true cause of this eternal pit in my stomach. So what the fuck could that be, you might ask? Well, if you said "must be a pretty girl" then you win the forum pool. It's because I was a shy, frightened idiot as a child, and because of that, I made a series of terrible mistakes that cost me my childhood, my future, and the girl of my dreams.

LET'S DELVE A LITTLE DEEPER, SHALL WE?

One day at school we were eating lunch in the cafeteria. When lunch time was over a girl who I shall from here on out refer to as K dumped her lunch tray into the giant garbage can reserved for everybody's discarded food scraps and snot covered napkins. As every child dumped their refuse on top of hers, she came to the horrifying realization that her retainer was in there and it was being buried by a hundred fucking pounds of shit. Every single person walked by her as tears began to form in her eyes and wash down her beautiful face. Except I didn't. I saw it all unfold, and it absolutely broke my heart. There was nothing in this world I wanted more than to hold her in my arms and tell her that I loved her.

But I didn't. Why? I ask myself that fucking question every day. I must have been too shy. After all, I was only just a kid.

But it's no big deal, because I have years to make amends, right?

So a couple years later I asked her out (well, somebody asked her out for me, of course) and she said no. Two seconds later my friend asked her out himself and she said yes. Oh, the fucking humanity. I was pretty well devastated.

It was around this time that my grades started to slip and I stopped caring about school for the most part. I never failed, but my As became Bs, and then Cs, and occasionally Ds.

Whether out of pity, guilt, or (a truly horrifying thought) because she actually did like me, K began making small talk with me, to which I would reply politely, but never at length, and I would never engage her again (well, until much later—you'll see).

It all came to a head on a field trip we took to a museum. There were too many kids to fit on the bus, so me, K, and a few others took a van instead. She sat in front of me and during the ride she reached back, and while playing with the hole in my jeans, asked shyly if I "still loved her".

Now, at this time I was pretty fucking down, and terribly gun shy with her. When those words left her mouth I was absolutely petrified, and certain she was just teasing me. And so I lied to her. I told her no. She half-smiled, turned around, and didn't speak to me again for more than thirteen years.

That's it right there. That's the defining moment. The girl that I loved more than anything in the world asked me if I loved her and I said no, because I was a fucking frightened little piece of shit. This is something that will haunt me until the day I die. I can never forgive myself for it. I will forever despise myself because of this.

Shortly after this exchange my parents asked me if I wanted to start homeschooling (two other siblings started going to a newly opened private academy; I was the home school guinea pig). Pretty much hating school at that point (mostly for reasons I haven't gone into), I jumped at this opportunity. This, of course, turned out to be a catastrophic error.

I was fairly popular in school, really. I was the funny one, so just about everybody liked me to a degree, from the geek clique (I was one of the Quiz Bowl kids as well), to the losers, to the jocks and preps. I had a lot of good friends, and I lost every single one of them overnight.

So I found this awesome magazine called PC Gamer and it had a review of this game called Half-Life and holy fuck this shit is awesome, and I bought a new 3D accelerator, and I fucking destroyed everybody in TFC. I made a lot of good friends online, but they all came and went with the exception of one that I keep in touch with to this day.

Every night as my head hit the pillow I thought about K until I drifted away. I thought about the conversations we had and the mistakes I made with her. I thought about what I would possibly say to her if I ever got the chance to see her again. I thought about what she was doing. I wondered what college she decided on. I wondered if she was studying to become the teacher she always wanted to be. While thinking these thoughts every night, the next decade of my life slowly slipped away and was lost.

So a couple years ago my sister came up to me and said "Hey you know that girl K that you used to have a crush on? Did you know that she's married and that she lives next door to mom?"

R..really? Wow. How do I feel about this? I'm happy for her, I guess. Should I go over and talk to her? Of course not. What the fuck am I going to say? Yeah, while you were off forging a beautiful life, I've been dangling on the precipice of despair! Can I come over and hang out?

I told myself I would leave her alone and let her live her life in peace. She knew who I was when I went over there, and she never made an attempt to reconnect with me. Take a fucking hint.

But this last Summer I broke that promise. After much (MUCH.) deliberation, I concluded that I simply could not let go this opportunity to reconnect with her; to congratulate her and let her know that I do care about her. How could I ever look at myself in the mirror again if I walked away from her again without at least attempting to foster some kind of friendship with her and perhaps even reclaim a small portion of that which I had lost?

And so I congratulated her on her marriage and her absolutely beautiful daughter, and we talked about nothing for five or ten minutes. I was shaking like a fucking crack addict at first, but I calmed down to an extent after a few minutes as the conversation smoothly drifted from one topic to the next. She never asked me where the fuck I had been, because she knew I had nothing, and she's nice like that. She was always the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and nothing changed in that regard. I noticed she was showing again, but I made no mention of it.

Later that day I introduced myself to her husband in what would be the most awkward 45 second conversation in history.

We passed each other a few days later and exchanged pleasantries. For the first time in a very, very long time, shit was starting to look up. I thought maybe we would become friends after all and I could come over for a fucking barbeque, or whatever it is that adult friends do.

A couple weeks later I decided to go talk to her again, but something was different this time. She seemed a little colder, and a little more distant. At the first pause she very kindly shooed me away by telling me she had an errand to run. I'm pretty intuitive when it comes to reading people (shut up), so I told her to let me know when she was bored, thereby giving her the opportunity to choose when we would talk next, while making her not feel obligated to do so (after all, she's busy).

Five months have passed since that day, and even I'm not obtuse enough to not realize that this means she doesn't want me to be a part of her life anymore.

So here I am again. Alone and haunted by the choices I've made. The feeling I have when I remember that terrible lie I told and where that lie left us both in the end, is simply indescribable. It is a pain that can't be reached.

I love her, and I love her family. I would give anything for any one of them. She has a wonderful life full of wonderful people that love and care for her, and that's where I want her to be. The last thing I want is for her to be with someone like me.

So where does that leave me? Where's my fucking out? How do I get rid of the remorse that weighs so heavily upon my heart? How can I ever tell another woman that I love her more than any other without lying through my teeth about it? How can I tell that woman that no, I will never bring children into this world, because I will not risk them going through what I did? These are the questions to which I have no answers.

Before you ask, I have no intention of killing myself, if for no other reason than because I have a lot of family (including the aforementioned younger siblings) and I would never put them through that. My mother just had a heart attack a couple months ago that was likely brought on by her smoking habit and she doesn't seem to want to quit fucking smoking, so chances are they're going to need me before long anyway.

I just hope I'm there for them as well because I just found out that my grandfather died of a heart attack when he was just a few years older than I am, so I'm sure I've got a load of shit piled in my arteries ready to take me out at any minute. There's a fucking pleasant thought, right? Early onset heart disease on one side of the family and chronic high blood pressure on the other. I've got one fucking foot in the grave already; why are you worried about suicide?

I know you're asking how the fuck does my family feel about this and the answer is: Who knows? I honestly think they just don't want to bring it up because they either think I've got some form of mental illness or that I'll drive myself into a tree if somebody reminds me that hey, my life is kind of weird and horrible. They wonder why I don't go hang out with people. Must be anti-social. Well here's a newsflash for you: When you're 27 years old and live at home and have no job, you don't go to parties because you don't want to humiliate yourself in front of every person you meet. It's not because you're anti-social. It's because society is anti-loser.

So that's pretty much the end of my tale. I hope you enjoyed reading it a lot more than I enjoyed living it.

I guess maybe I should end on a positive note, though. On the plus side, I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I'm overall fairly pleasant to be around because of my good sense of humor. And hey, I have no criminal record, so there's one fucking bullet point to put on the resume, am I right? I'm fairly intelligent, and I'm not completely hideous.

THE END

PS: Bill Dungsroman is my hero.

Two suggestions (not solutions, I should point out - but something to try):

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Volunteering. The first will get your head back on straight. The second will give you something to do, new people to meet, and something to put on the resume.

I'm going to try to thread the needle of brutal honesty, here. In BillD style: buck up, chump! In my own style: It's never too late. It's not too late to start building a life. It's not too late to learn from your mistakes. It's not too late to forgive yourself and be at peace. It might take a while...but then again, you've got time. I imagine you consider yourself use to defeat and fucking up, right? I see that a lot. A lot in myself, but a lot in the kids I work with. They struggle so much to make a friend, and then forget that you're not supposed to ask your friends why their parents divorced, was it because of them? And they cycle through this over and over, getting more and more frustrated, until they get so sick of feeling awkward and embarrassed they give in to the anxiety. And anxiety is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm scared I won't be good at socializing...so I don't socialize, so I never learn how to socialize, so the anxiety never goes away. It sucks and it's bullshit and I consider it my turning point into adulthood when I realized it was either me or it, and anxiety can go fuck itself. Get the CBT. You need to get these failure thoughts out of your head.

And, yes, I'm sure you're waiting for it: You need to get her out of your head, too. There's nothing there but what you imagined. That isn't to lessen the depths of feeling or agony or passion of what you felt...but let's be clear. What was there is what it was, and now that it's over and there's nothing you can do about, all there is left is to grow from it. If you've felt that deeply before, there is nothing but yourself to stop you from feeling that deeply again.

Finally, volunteering. You'll meet people. You'll help people. You'll get something to put on your resume. All three of these things are incredibly worthwhile. It's likely you might be anxious about finding someplace or starting there, but then again that kind of anxiety is perfectly natural, and shouldn't stop you from getting in there. Remember how they say most job-hunting is networking? Great way to do it, and professionally speaking, I think it gives you a good way to demonstrate to people that you're networking with that you're a decent guy who can handle responsibility without flashing your resume about. That resume is not an insurmountable obstacle.

Looking back on this post, I'm realizing just how much personal experience I've poured into it without explicitly mentioning it. In fact, I'm going to make another suggestion - In my experience, it was tough for me sometimes to hear advice like this, and I ended up arguing with people who were trying to help me, that they didn't understand what I was dealing with and that they had no clue. So I'm going to post this, and stay away from this thread for the next few days, because I really want you to be able sit down and sort through all this stuff for what you need and what you don't without going back-and-forth about.

I definitely want to hear how you're doing a few months from now, though.

Yeah, that's all good advice. Getting something like this out of your head isn't an easy task, but it becomes an impossible one when you have nothing to do but dwell on it. I have no problem functioning as a normal human being when I'm preoccupied with something else, but I've had precious little to be preoccupied with as of late. And this season has a way of closing in on you, and it has brutalized me this year for a number of reasons.

I don't know if it works for everyone, but I find it helpful to keep a journal when I'm obsessing about something. Just the act of typing out whatever's in my head makes me feel like it's moving out of my head; it's there on paper (or word processor file, whatever) for when I feel like I need to review it, but I don't need to have all the details running around in my mind just to remember that they exist. Of course it takes a while to get everything out, but what can you do.

It bothers me that a lot of people think depression is just simply being sad when it's actually a serious mental illness. People are called emo and told to just cheer up or mocked because they have nothing to be sad about. But depression isn't just being sad. A lot of people definitely overlook the chronic exhaustion part of it. They overlook the fact that people don't choose to be that way...most people wouldn't choose it. It's like having a little demon following you around sucking out all your motivation to do anything, your energy, your will to live, your ability to care, all while insulting you and telling you horrible lies and speaking so loudly and so frequently that you can't hear anything else. You push people away because all you hear is that demon. Your ability to function is completely destroyed. And even if you get better, you never truly recover from it.

But most people don't understand. They say "I'm depressed" when they're just simply sad. They mock cutters. They think they're just lazy. They think they're selfish. They go into all out attack mode the second someone shows visible signs of the illness, as they don't realize how serious it is. They think they're being clever and giving great new advice by telling them to do certain things as if they haven't even tried that and think those "cures" will magically solve everything. All that leads to so much guilt and guilt just worsens depression.

In time, with help and a LOT of effort (which may be impossible at first, it's good to take little steps at first before doing the big things), it can get better. But relapses happen, and it takes many many years to even become a somewhat functioning person.

My heart goes out to all those who are or have suffered from depression.

((hugs Elyscape))

Handle the moment, tomorrow is coming if you like it or not. Yesterday is over, the future is written in the pages of some insane man's book. All this is what we have to hold on to so it will happen.

This sort of distorted viewpoint is what gets me through most things, even if I fall apart a the time. I am not aiming to fix myself anymore. I am not really even aiming to see how long I make it. I aim only to put another mark in the dna and see if I do something worth what I have been through.

Somehow, even as much as I don't care I have hope that things will change and I will get it together. So I say, handle the moment the rest follows.

By realizing that even if you had said yes, chances are you still wouldn't be with her to this day because you're memorializing the situation of a time when you were both mentally immature and ignorant of looking at facts impartially. You don't even know what love is now, you sure as hell didn't know it a decade ago, and you've had that decade to form some ideal alternate history for yourself that includes this woman. It's good that you went to go see her because it's actually good that she's rebuked your attempts at getting into her life (I'm not going to be obtuse, here, you are not getting back into her life, and she is not the person you think she is). It's cold and hard but she doesn't care, because she hasn't been wallowing in that regret like you have, reliving and re-examining the moments endlessly until the version of events you have are no longer even accurate, let alone meaningful.

And for fuck's sake, you're not alone. I keep thinking now I could be married with kids if I had just done or said a certain thing at a certain time to one of several girls I thought I loved, and then I remembered that oh yeah, I don't want to be married with kids and that's why I didn't say or do whatever I think I could have said or done. The most "successful" people in the world have moments of great regret in their lives. You're not alone, but you're judging yourself before you even give the chance for the world to do the same, because even though you think you don't deserve shit, you don't want anyone outside of your existence to confirm it.

heloder, All those mistakes you made, they're in the past. Dwelling on them is comforting when you've got little else but you have to stop at some point if you ever want to move forward with your life. You want love and happiness and friendship in your life but it's never going to come to you on it's own. You have to put yourself out there, take your lumps, and keep trying until something sticks.

heloder have you considered going back to school? It's never too late; and while I don't know the details of your financial situation it's very likely you can get yourself an education on the cheap. Start at your local community college, take advantage of Pell Grants (up to 5k/yr) and whatever your state offers; keep your grades up and in two years you either have an associates as well as a resource for professional development (networking, etc) or you transfer to a 4-year school and get a degree. It's also a fantastic way to make new friends. As an adult - and I speak here from experience - you'll have a huge leg up in terms of studying and work ethic; getting good grades will be rather easy.

heloder, jeffd gives good advice. I started back to college at age 32 and am almost finished with my bachelor's. It feels really, really good to do well in school. And if you struggle, professors and staff will be happy to help you -- especially at the community college level -- if you show that you give a damn. Most of their students don't...

It's ten in the evening on New Year's Eve, I've just gotten out of bed, I'm alone in my apartment, and I'm on the internet.

This is a pretty good illustration of my life in general.

Also, heloder? I have dreams at least once a week about the boy I was in love with in my early teens. Short version: I followed him like a puppy dog for years. Once day I pissed him off, he stopped talking to me altogether, and I spent two years after that being super-depressed about it. I still think about him sometimes. There are still certain songs I can't listen to because they remind me of him. But that's okay. Lots of people have memories like that. Teenagers are so emotional that some of the memories remain deeply imprinted for the rest of a person's life.

I have been extremely happily married for eight years now. My spouse -- Quatoria here on BF -- is the great love of my life and I plan to spend the rest of my existence with him. But do I still think of Daniel, my first (and terribly unrequited) love? Yeah, I do, because he had such a major influence on my adolescent self, and because a person's first love is always special somehow. Would I hook up with him now, given the chance? Fuck no. I mean, for gods sake, the man is 36 and doesn't own a computer. Even if I were single, I can't imagine dating such a luddite, even a gorgeous one. Dan probably grew up to be an asshole, or at least not the boy I had up on that pedestal for so many years. Even if he had dated me as a teenager he would have never lived up to my view of him.

I'm just trying to say that you're not the only person still affected by the past. Most people are. But you can't let it weigh you down like that. Hope me saying all this helps somewhat, this isn't the kind of thing I normally confess in public. Or at all...

Ive just spent the first new years in ages at a night club with friends, dancing and drinking. I don't mean to rub it in, I just want to say that I've been there and it got better.

Hopefully your next new years will treat you better. Til then you get all my hugs.

Same here except instead of just getting out of bed, I just finished doing my laundry.

Bro-hug and a virtual beer, Thoro.

I am sitting here half full from eating a papa john's pizza. The highlight was giving the driver a reasonable tip. Kiddo and Hubby are nestled snug at their computers playing simulations that I couldn't give two shits about. I am about to log back on to swtor maybe , and tank some more black talon. I offer a virtual midnight kiss to those who wouldn't feel it both nasty and trite. The thought is I know it hurts to be alone but hey we still care damnit. As much as a forum full of different people miles away can but, yeah look I am trying here.

May next year NOT be this year, at all, please ..thanks.

heloder I dated the boy I was in love with since I was 7 after I hadn't seen him for years and we both had graduated from college. He was smart and handsome and came from a rich family and had been turning me down since 3rd grade except for the time i turned him down in high school (for spite--how dare he not check YES on those Yes/No notes I left him in grade school!). It did not work out. Mostly because it turned out he was a robot. But that's just my anecdote of "just because they are your childhood sweetheart does not mean it will work out or that you will actually like them when they're older." Movies and tv shows stuff your head with lots and lots of romantical shit about childhood sweethearts and it very rarely works that way.

So rather than dwell on the swell life that might have been instead maybe start thinking that you dodged a bullet! Maybe she farts a lot in bed while she sleeps. Like really awful, sewage farts. That's one small way that might help turn a "might have been" into a "thank god it didn't."

According to my 3DS, it is a little past 10:30 right now. It's New Year's Eve today. Most people would be spending tonight out celebrating with friends or snuggling up with loved ones in preparation to kiss in the new year or idfk knocking back a few drinks. I am typing on a 3DS underneath the covers while the bf SNORES LIKE NO GODDAMN OTHER beside me. We did a little today, but I was the one to plan it all. I found the CPK to eat lunch at, I provided the free ticket to Universal. And it was fun. But then, he comes out and says that he wants to head home before the festivities start (fireworks, live entertainment, etc.) Kinda bummed, but sure. Get back to the hotel room thinking we're gonna have drinks and watch the New Years stuff on the TV and have a good time. i will not go into what happened, but it was incredibly disappointing. And now he is asleep and I'm thinking back on the last week and wondering where I went wrong and i can't stop crying

((hugs MulMizu)) Honey, you really need a different boyfriend. Or even no boyfriend at all -- being alone would be better than your current asshole. (Note I am drunk and may be way more blunt than I should be....)

*hugs* MulMizu

It's times like this I'm glad I don't actually like going out so I don't feel depressed because I'm missing something...