The "I'm Depressed" thread

I'm offering free hugs as well.

Free hugs for everyone!

Hey MulMizu: Remember when I was all "nah give the guy a chance and stuff, he's got a lot on his plate?"

Well now I'm all "this reminds me of me. Specifically, the time I broke up with someone and realized I had spent an entire year, arguing, fighting, and essentially just delaying the inevitable." It's not the end of the world if you two break up, okay? Try to remember that. Whatever you do you'll come out the other side.

Also holy shit I didn't know you could use the interwebs on a 3DS! That's fucking cool!

Thanks for the advice and personal experience Quackers, SwitchKnitter, jeffd, Kalle, and Pogo.

MulMizu, I can't really give any advice since the only real relationship I've had ended up in a rather peculiar way, but... well, here in Chile we use this saying a lot: "Mejor solo que mal acompañado."

"Better alone than in miserable company."

It all depends on how you feel, though. Have all of the hugs ever.

FUCK! FUCK ME SO BAD!
I forgot to register myself for my exams (next week and the week after). If I miss them I'd have to re-take them in the next examweek, which means that I'd have double the workload in those weeks and I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS!
It's in these moments I wish I could cry because then at least I've expressed some emotion instead of imediately bottling it up. Now I won't be able to sleep tonight, which is awesome because I have to get up early to study for exams I may or may not have the right to take. I hate myself sometimes. Why do I feel the need to be such an idiot all the goddamn time. Just when I thought I was getting everything back under control something like this happens. Fuck.

Holy shit, so relieved right now! I just got an e-mail from my university, if I go by the administration tomorrow and pay 5 euros per exam, I'm going to be able to take the exams anyway. Sorry I clogged up the thread, but since this is the venting thread and I really needed to vent, I figured I'd just go for it. I still need to take care of some shit, but at least I don't feel like such a moron that isn't able to do anything.

Glad to hear things worked out!

You guys don't know (actually, many of you probably do, but please allow me this moment of dramatism) how hard it is to be a stepford smiler.

Today I told the person I'm taking care of about our actual situation. I did so in the kindest and calmest tone I could muster, picking my words carefully, but it still backfired and she started panicking. She was always quick to panic, now that I think about it, but I think I fucked up choosing today to tell her. She was in such a great mood that I thought it was my best chance to do it.

To "fix" things, I ended up assuring her that I'd take responsability about it and lying that I had a "plan". Which I don't have. At least she calmed down, right? Right.

Today was also her birthday! And I have to say that my mask held up admirably. I felt like I was going to cry all the time but managed to keep a straight face for hours. I even made a tiny jester show for her and juggled some oranges with great success.

For some reason, seeing her happy and cheering (as much as she could) was fucking heartbreaking. At the end I retreated to the kitchen under the excuse of doing the dishes and ended up a sobbing mess. As usual.

I'm scared. I'm inmensely scared that she will end up in an asylum, abused constantly by the aggresive personal, characteristic of Chilean public healthcare. I'm scared that if I'm not here to check that she takes her meds everyday she will end up forgetting and having another accident.

I feel scared and clueless and lonely. I have no idea of how to proceed, or where I should go for help.

I don't know what your religious situation, Kaneda, but local churches are a good place to look for aid if you're comfortable with that.

Would it be possible to pay someone to check up on her in the middle of the day, or would that freak her out?

I used to be Catholic when I was a kid, as was my granny, and as was the school I went to. At some point I took distance and after a certain incident I ended up with a huge grudge against Catholicism. Still, I know there are some really kindhearted people there. Worth a try.

And looking for someone sounds like a pretty good idea, actually. I'm pretty sure she'd flip out if it isn't someone familiar to her, and that person has to know first aid and be inmensely patient. That's why I had mostly disregarded the idea.

Still, she used to be an art teacher. My own art teacher in fact, and her students were my classmates. Maybe I can get in touch with people from those times and see if there is someone that fits the role? I have nothing to lose, anyway.

Thanks, Nerys. This will keep me from just sitting on my thumbs being miserable, at the very least, which is extremely welcome.

Hopefully some of your old classmates will be able to help out and ease a bit of the burden. Even if they just drop by to say hello, that might cheer her up, too. I know it probably won't do much for her physical condition, but it might help mentally, and when you're recovering, you're state of mental health is doubly important. I wish I could think of better advice, Kaneda. Is there any way you can work from home (if not for your current job, then possibly another)? It seems kind of like a long shot, but it's the best I can think of at the moment.

She may not recognize them, since she was left unemployed when I was still a rather small kid, around thirteen years ago. Nothing to lose anyway, right?

I don't really know what I could do from home. I have been baking some bread for some kind old women in the neighborhood and delivering them, but it's not nearly enough to cover... anything, really. It barely covers for itself. It is a nice distraction, though, and I always leave some bread for her. She really, really likes it. :)

So I don't drink when I'm depressed because I'm a total lightweight and it makes me feel worse. I was feeling great the past few days so I was like, hey, let's have a drink or two, it could be fun! Now I feel, like, about to bawl my eyes out depressed and I feel like I don't have the mental focus for anything that might cheer me up. Also I feel dumb. This is so little and stupid but ugh.

Nerys, this is a little late, and I hope you're feeling a bit better by now, but if not, I'd say take a deep breath and drink a glass of water or make a cup of tea. I know a lot of people who avoid alcohol not only because they don't have a high tolerance, but because they have very emotional reactions to being drunk. So don't feel dumb; this is something that happens to a lot of people. And no one would blame you for wanting a drink once in a while.

Maybe just curl up with a blanket and some tea or something and watch something lighthearted or funny on TV, like old cartoons or Scrubs or something (any show/movie you don't have to think too deeply about). I know I get really lethargic when I'm depressed, and I lose interest in pretty much everything, no matter how much I might have enjoyed something or another before. But sometimes it's nice to just be able to veg out. Either way, I hope you feel better.

When you are in sad drunk mode, you may want to either be with someone/do something that makes you laugh, or just try your best to fall asleep (which isn't too hard when drunk) if you find yourself unable to do that. Keifufairies said it all already, but want to repeat this in particular: you are not dumb or stupid at all. This is something that normally happens when you are depressed and no one can blame you for it.

I hope you feel a little better both emotionally and physically after sleeping. Chamomille infusion tea is specially good for sore stomachs and lots of water is pretty much the best solution to a hangover, if you have one.

Thanks, guys. I don't have a hangover or anything; I was so barely drunk it's embarrassing that I even consider it drunk. I was just having one of those moments where when you start to feel better, the sudden feelings of depression are worse by contrast, you know?

Glad you seem to be feeling better all the same, Nerys :)

I'm sorry for filling the thread with my crap, but you guys have to hear this.

My boss, an incredibly awesome man who I'll love forever, just made me an offer. His friend has another bakery EXTREMELY close to my apartment, and he offered to "transfer" me there. My new boss is also awesome, I've known him for a while. He says that I can leave if an emergency happens if I work hard enough when I'm there OF COURSE I WILL.

And I can have my mother call me if she starts feeling bad. I mean, there is probably a way to make it so that she only has to press one button to call me or something, right? So I'd be able to be here in around five minutes because this bakery is so damn close!

I'm so giddy. You guys don't know. It took me an hour to assimilate this and now I'm about to cry from happiness.

I cannot possibly hit your like button enough times for this. Congrats!

That''s such a relief!! I'm so happy for you, Kaneda :D

Your boss sounds like an amazing man.

AKSDJF THAT'S AWESOME KANNY OMFG YOUR BOSS IS THE BEST! Sooooo happy that things are working out for you <3

That is amazing! I'm glad things are looking up.

I could really use a hug from someone that I don't suspect despises me. I could also use the motivation to take down these goddamn Christmas decorations and just generally clean shit. It doesn't help that weather's been dreary for a few days. I'm so tired of money always being an issue with every goddamn thing. A car I can't afford to fix, disgusting, piss-reeking carpet I can't afford to replace, a dryer that I've repaired once and is showing signs of quitting again. I just need to yell at something. FUCK YOU, THREAD. There.

Virtual hug.

Kaneda, I was just about to post how I genuinly hoped things would get better for you, and then they did. Your boss sounds like exactly the type of person you needed in this situation (or just generally like a cool dude).

It turns out that tea and daughter-snuggles help! Somewhat. Cleaning both bathrooms and taking down the tree and lights and putting them both away helped a bit. Mostly daughter-snuggles, then tea, then the other stuff.

I've got a fine tolerance level to alcohol (as documented on this very forum) and it takes alot of booze in a short time for me to get even buzzed much less drunk. However, one of my ironclad, no exception, fuck the world rules is that I do not drink on a "bad day" because on those days I'm already in a severe emotional funk and even one drink is going to let out the Kraken of severe depression. So don't make excuses for not drinking when you're down; in my view it's an excellent choice. But also don't beat yourself up over it afterwards.

FUCK AND YES

GIRL YOU WORK THAT SPEED-DIAL

Thank you, guys. All of you. You are all awesome.

I'm a little bit scared of things looking up and then plummetting again, but that's just me being idiotic. I will pull us through, there is no questioning that. She raised me to be terribly stubborn after all; might as well give it some positive use!

And then I am notified that my hours at work are cut! FUCK YOU, THREAD!

You know how they say antidepressants can increase the risk of suicide because they give someone the energy they need to actually follow through before they have time to treat the underlying impulse? I kind of feel like that right now. Not suicidal; even when I've been suicidal I've felt like I'm too much of a coward to actually kill myself. But in the past week I feel like I have greater clarity of thought and presence of mind, and what it's going towards is truly, deeply contemplating the idea that life is meaningless, rather than the underlying feeling that life is meaningless actually going away.

I guess in the past my depression has been more situation-dependent. (I'm being harassed by my abusive ex; I have too much stress from schoolwork; I have health problems; I don't have enough money to pay bills.) Once some of the externals are solved, I guess there's nowhere else for this to go.

My husband also has depression. Specifically, he says it manifests the way I'm feeling right now, in what he terms "existential depression." Usually talking through depression with him makes me feel better because we understand where the other is coming from. Recently, I just feel like, he's older than me (6 years), and he still has to deal with this, does this mean it never really goes away?

Also I am trying really, really hard to overcome the impulse to apologize for posting in this thread.

Don't apologize, Nerys, although I know I always want to say I'm sorry when I'm depressed. It could be something that's completely not my fault -- like, an earthquake in Singapore or something -- and I would still find a way to blame myself. :D

For some people, depression is temporary. For others, it's longer. Treatment helps in either case. Hang in there.

Nerys, from what you've said I can completely identify with the idea of 'existential depression'. My motivation drains so easily because I don't really see a point in doing anything, and even on good days I have the knowledge at the back of my mind that my death is a certainty, yet everyone still manages to go and get on with menial tasks that only exist because someone said they should.

I think it's this feeling that holds me back the most in my life, but it's rooted so deep into my intellect that I actually can't imagine my own personality without it.

Fun little update on my life: I'm in the process of coming off prozac to switch to effexor. Last time I was off prozac it culminated in a terrified call to 999, so I'm a little bit nervous but -- I have a prescription for small doses of valium should I get serious anxiety until effexor actually kicks in. The idea of valium itself makes me a bit nervous, but I'm just trying to keep reasonably calm about it all. Ghh.

Good luck. Medication is scary =/

So yesterday, I had a kind of really important talk with my mom that I'd put off for years and years. She didn't take it exactly as I thought she would, but it was still a little disappointing. And, again, I would like to take comfort in the whole "well, she didn't have a mom that knew what to do about anything either" excuse, but it still leaves me wanting something. Anything.
I refuse to turn to alcohol; did that wayyyy too much in the past two weeks. So now I guess I just...sit here and think.
eugh.

*hugs* MulMizu

Things that are making me feel somewhat depressed:
I'm very sick, I procrastinated too much and have a boatload of work to do this week, and I feel recently that I'm too mean. I am having problems with my parents, the guy I liked started dating a girl who is so nice I can't say anything about her at all, and my best friend's parents just separated so I have to be her shoulder to lean on.

Things that are making it better:
A little rest, a little crying, and you guys.

Let me kiss your tears away. /hugs and kisses into eternity
Just make sure to lean on others to balance out someone else leaning on you when need be because that shit can end poorly.