The "I'm Depressed" thread

I am doing that thing where I know I should go back on mah MEDS but I can't even muster up the motivation to call the doctor which is how I know I should probably go back on zee drugs but ugh I really just cannot be bothered and I forget to take them half the time anyway WHAT IS THE POINT

wheeeeeeeeee

Don't make me kick your ass. CALL TOMORROW. Or else... or else... Oh, I'll think of something...

OR ELSE I'LL SHOVE CANDIED YAMS INTO YOUR MOUTH AND CAUSE FOURTH DEGREE BURNS.
also i will hit you with a rolling pin
because sass. loving sass. <3

Not the yams! D:

I will get out of bed, come up to Mountain View, wander around until I figure out where you live, knock on your door, and drag you by the hand to your doctor if need be. It'll be an impractical process, but by Cthulhu I will.

Please go get your meds refilled. <3

I will get Elyscape to unlike all of your posts.

And now you have no choice. Game: Me.

Get yo' meds.

I hope you want to go all the way to Daly City, then! It's a pretty long walk. :P

Wily.


But yes, yes. I will call tomorrow. Probably. :P

I will go to Daly City if I have to. Go get your meds. :)

...and sometime in the next couple weeks, bring yourself and your husband over for dinner? <grin>

AND THE PEOPLE REJOICED!
Sjofn you dun put my heart at ease~ <3

It's just my doctor who is in Daly City (Where we USED to live. Very foggy. Kinda miss it.). She might be confused if you showed up!


as for dinner I will speak to my secretary about it

Have my most tender hugs. /hugs

That sucks. Hugs from me too. <3

I think I might have a job? It's just weekends, but it's decent pay as long as I can handle standing on my bad knee for too long and interacting with people (oh God).

Do it or I will start sending you day by day comics every day. It will be your Day by Day, day by day. And you will hate me for it and tell me to stop but I will be all out of fucks like you are all out of meds.

So what's it gonna be? Do you want every day Day by Day from someone with no fucks? DO YOU?

Make the call.

today, i learned (AFTER CALLING IN, MIND YOU) that my after school job was actually cut and no one told me.
you'd think if you're gonna fire someone, you would tell them??????

So now i really do only have this miserable job until I can apply for the after school job again and get hired and etc. OH, WHAT'S THAT KNEES? THE THOUGHT OF GOING TO MY JOB DESPITE A FUCKTON OF PAIN JUST SO I CAN MAKE MINIMUM WAGE IS TERRIBLE AND YOU ARE CRYING KNEE TEARS?
fucking deal with it, this is just how the world works.

this is how much i'm worth. i ache, i get burned, i bleed, i do all of these things while still smiling at that punk ass dude that threw something at my fucking face and i get minimum wage. this is my worth. this is it.
okay so this is def. not a good job to have when you already have self-esteem issues can i please just be excused

Sympathy like, but also for "KNEE TEARS". And so many people are shitheads (fuck that guy!). You can't disprove it people, its SCIENCE.

Edit: And of course lots and lots of internethugs! I really hope lawyerman can help you out of this situation.

This thread can be many things to me. A wall to scream at. A friend to cry on the shoulder of. But right now? Right now, this thread is the darkness under the covers where you feel it's finally safe to whisper those thoughts you've been having lately. The ones even you refuse to acknowledge on a daily basis. That whisper cutting through the silence. "I wasn't good enough." I can't say anything; I'll feel terrible. I can't show anything, I'll feel terrible. So under the sheets in the still of the night, I confess. "I wasn't good enough." I will most likely obsess over this for the remainder of the night well into the morning. "I wasn't good enough." "I wasn't good enough." "I wasn't good enough."

Some of the typically stupid shit going through my mind between 2 and 3AM. I'm fine really so don't worry and feel free to ignooooore the ramble




I sense that this is a bad idea but I will post here anyway because fuck it I doubt I'll ever meet any of you irl so what does it matter. In less than 2 weeks I will turn 26 years old. It's not a big deal. I know logically that twenty-six is young in the grand scheme of things. I'm young. Of course I know that (how could I forget the older patients repeating this to me like a mantra as through being young in itself proves I will recover). Still, I can't help but feel that ultimately I have almost nothing to offer the world. I can't help feeling that I will never amount to anything. Self-defeatist. Pathetic. I am trying to think of something I have achieved in my life so far. It seems I can't think of something that I am proud of. I try to remember what I was like years ago, but find it hard to identify with that person in my memories. I don't know who she is, and I don't know who I am. And for years I have been avoiding absolutely everything, shutting myself up inside so I don't have to feel whatever despair I was feeling before. Distractions. Pretending. It's almost like I'm trying to act out a part in a play, but I can't remember my lines. I try to fool them, but I keep stuttering and stumbling over my cheap, too-long dress. shut up shut up do you think you're clever with your words you're an idiot you are not intelligent you peaked years ago and now you are a stagnant pool of water and soon you will evaporate who will remember you then no one you piece of shit so fuck you fuck you. Stop being dramatic. Stop being a whiny attention-seeker. Nothing is wrong. I'm one of the lucky ones and I should feel lucky. No complaining. Don't drag people down with you. You are not special, you are not unique. Your life is one of undeserved privilege. I'm happy. I'm a joker and a flake. I'm not particularly good at anything but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Distractions. It's fine. I seem ok. Therefore, I am ok. Don't worry those around you needlessly. Would you hurt the ones that care about you? You owe it to them to at least appear happy. I'm ok, mum. I'm just taking some time off uni. I'm just tired. I'll follow your advice. I will not be a burden. I'm sorry.

So, Sjofn: you called your doctor, right? RIGHT?

No, 'cause my sleeping got all screwed up and I have managed to flip my waking hours to the exact opposite of office hours. But! I will as soon as I fix my sleeps.

Wow. That ... is amazing.

That happens to me all the damn time. I had almost turned my sleep schedule back around today because I was supposed to run errands tomorrow, and then I accidentally took a nap for like six hours this afternoon and now I can't sleep. It's so disorienting. So, I feel ya.

I've had the unique pleasure of seeing that chest dance around covered in spit. Then again I had the unique pleasure of seeing that guy from Die Antwoord make pelvic thrusts so that his dick flopped against his shorts, on the same day. It was a unique day.

So I think I've finally found a therapist who can help me overcome my paralyzing anxiety issues about going back to school. Just in time, too, because this semester is the cutoff for six years since I started my undergraduate degree, so if I don't finish this one class now, the school has much less of an incentive to let me finish it later.

The plan that we worked up at Tuesday's appointment involves me calling my advisor sometime during her office hours today (East Coast time). I am not good with phone calls to begin with, and especially when I'm initiating them with authority figures, and especially in situations I can barely think about without crying to begin with.

I've even worked out what I say to her as to why this situation is only getting resolved now. So why can I barely face the idea of a phone call with a lady whose job is to bend over backward to help me finish this all-important piece of paper, resolve a fuckton of family issues, and get on with my life? Because I have to do this alone and if left to my own devices, including not being directly harassed about it over instant message until I call, I will break and I will hide again. People have made far bigger mistakes in their lives and their academic careers, but as far as my brain is concerned, I fucked up so royally the first time that spending the rest of my future working retail is almost preferable to ever approaching the idea of academia ever again.

Not to mention that, if I'm ever trying to get a job in either of my chosen fields, I'm going to need a master's. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh. <hides>

I would just like to say that I'm really, really proud of Speak With Bread for making that phone call just now. I know how hard it is to do shit like that, and she's been very brave today. Yay Speak!

Well, that's a whole lot of pressure to put on one phone call, and is probably contributing to your anxiety.

Let's look at like this: what's going to happen is a conversation. That conversation may end up influencing where you go next, and it may not...but I think it's pretty safe to say it'll just be a quiet conversation, regardless of whatever else happens! I'm using the same strategy to prepare for grad-school interviews. At the end of the day, it really is just sitting down and talking to people. What if I totally blow it? Then I come back next year, or the year after, or whatever. There's no amount of pressure that I put on myself to get it "100% right" that'll actually help me reach even 50% right. And again, the audience is going to be, if not bending over backwards, friendly. Let's face it, these schools want you to be accepted and to pay them money.

Speak With Bread, I'm definitely in a similar position where my mind is all AGGH AGH AGH DO SOMETHING OH GOD DO SOMETHING. I think that's pretty normal for our generation! I would suggest you clear out some time in your schedule, and then plan the call AT THE BEGINNING of that time, so whatever happens, you've already rewarded yourself with some time to chill.

EDIT: Oh, dangit, too late. WELL FINE I HOPE IT ALL WORKED OUT FOR YOU HMMMPH

Thank you. Even reading that afterward helped. :) I set an alarm for a fifteen-minute period in which I would call, making sure to catch my advisor with plenty of time before her walk-ins started. She jumped right into the crucial subject with only about three sentences of pleasantries, having been prepped by a long drawn-out email exchange over the past year and change. And she made sure I knew exactly what phone calls she's making next.

I was still in tears on the phone, but at least some of them were tears of relief. The suspended state of my education has been hanging over my head for so goddamn long, and creating so much tension in my family, that I'm having a hard time picturing what it'll be like to have this done. I may not be able to save my parents' marriage by getting my degree, but hopefully I'll finally start feeling like I have my life back.

HMMMPH

Great to hear it! My anxiety really melts away once I've established clear boundaries of what I can control and what I can't. I think getting into school will be easier for you than you're imagining/stressing about, as you'll be taking control and winning ground, etc., instead of being stuck in a loop of anxiety and misery.

Baby why you make me hurt you?

Ugh. Now I'm struggling. Thanks to a former professor being a dick, I'm scrabbling to find another letter-writer, ideally within the next week. The next person on my list is not checking her email, and the number provided in her syllabus is disconnected. Add that to about half-dozen calls to various OTs in the area to do a clinical observation, of which the most hopeful response was "she's out of the country until monday."

Fuck. I can deal with pressure and being up against a wall, but not when it's due to other people's inaction.

And now I just realized I signed up for a CPR certification class the same day I have meeting. FUCK FUCK FUCK

:( That sucks, MrMolecule, I hope it works out and you get the letter-writer.

I have done that so many times. <3

I'm the same way with my sleeping. I'll have a few good days where I wake up anywhere from 8:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m. Then I'll stay up far too late one night and my sleep schedule is messed up for a week.

As for what you're facing, MrMolecule, I'm assuming the meeting is more important than the CPR certification. Well, not necessarily more important, but probably easier to reschedule. Either way, I'd go with which ever is more important. Secondly, as for the letter, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this professor gets back to you, but if she doesn't, is there anyone else you can ask?

Honestly, at this point, I'm just not sure. I'm calling the school tomorrow to see what I can do about passing a message along and calling my boss to sort out the meetings...that should dial things down from OHGODDOSOMETHING to "Well, you've got about a week to think about how fucked you are."

It kind of is not really that much more important. There's a position open that I applied for: OT Aide. It's a non-licensed position, it's per diem (which is perfect for my schedule and occasional anxiety), it's really fucking close, and it's basically the best chance I have to put some great experience on my resume and application and could literally be the first step in a legit career. Except, you have to be CPR-certified to work in the facility. The meeting, on the other hand, is the first what will be a lot of meetings over the spring to sort out what kind of summer camp we want to run. I already know everybody there, and I've made a lot of my intended suggestions to the director already. Hopefully, he'll be understanding.

The BF just told me that he, as a first-grade teacher, does not have to be First Aid or CPR certified. And I am just trying so hard not to hate him because you've gotta dish out cash here to take BOTH of those classes and that's just for an after-school program.

i think i've been wavering between "easily irritated" and "sad as fuck" for the past few days and I'm getting a little tired of it.

Who do you have to be certified by? My certification is through Red Cross. I'm not sure if/what they charge, since I got mine through work, but it expires next month so I might be finding out soon.

I think it's Red Cross? All I know is that I went to the main headquarters of my workplace, tossed some money their way, and passionately made out with a plastic dummy for two nights in a row.

i think i may have been in the wrong place, now that i think about it...

(Being serious, I'm pretty sure it's Red Cross. You learn everything you need to for the age groups you're going to be dealing with, which is basically ages 5-12. It was kinda okay, I guess, but I really wish I could just take a test at the start of the whole thing to prove that I still remember what I learned from the last certification.)