The "I'm Depressed" thread

Oh, MulMizu. *hugs* I know it doesn't really help, but I just want you to know that I love everything about you <3

Beats it by a world of difference. I can't be grateful enough, really.

i feel like i look like this rn.
also no i did not draw it but IT WORKS

EDIT: feeling is not helped when addressed with bf. things to keep in mind.

How sad is it that I read bf as broken forum for a while and all I could think was, "NO, MUL, WE FAILED YOU D:"

Yeah... I'm sorry. I'll just go sit in the corner (and get off the computer). But first /hugs And Kaneda /hugs And @Everyone /hugs

I'm wondering if I'm ever going to get my selfconfidence back. I remember being absolutely dead certain about who I was, and then years of depression absolutely shattered that. Not that this humbling process hasn't had some unexpected benefits but I don't want to go through life cringing when challenged. More to the point, working in sales is really fucking hard without that confidence, and since that's where I happen to be I am really starting to see the drawbacks. I know there's no easy answer and that just as it took years to break down it's going to take years to get it built back up, though not necessarily to where I was, but more than that I feel like I lost a bit of what makes me, well, me. A bit that I still think is part of me, that I assume is part of me, but when try to lean on it there's nothing there.

And I want that piece back.

This may be too personal, irrelevant, or even an unanswerable question, but I'll throw it out there anyways:

What caused your depression?

(Not that it matters what my opinion is, but I'll throw this out there too: I totally understand if you don't want to go into this. Especially on a public forum when the question is posed by some dude you hardly know.)

I don't mind talking about it if you want to know but it's not something I consider terribly important. I mean, I'm trying to deal with my life and make something out of it but most of the lessons I could learn from my past apply to a person I no longer am, and I never thought anyone would be interested to hear about it.

I was pretty solitary in high school and had no clue about girls but I had friends and teenage angst is teenage angst so I doubt I was much different in that regard from my peers. I moved away from home to go to university and found myself in an environment where I had no friends and didn't quite know how to make friends, found myself stuck on the outside of every social circle I was involved with, got increasingly unhappy, tried to bury myself in work, and then my grandmother died. I loved my grandma but she was just the final straw of misery here. My studies went to shit, I tried to keep up my job for another year but then that fell apart too, and I ended up moving back in with my parents. While I was away at university my parents had moved to a big house in the country so when I did move back in with them, in a pitiable state, I was actually even more isolated than before. Had they not moved I could have reconnected with my high school friends but alas. Which is not to say that moving back in with them was a bad idea, having people around who cared for me was what I needed, but the lack of other contacts probably set me back a few years in rehabilitation.

And then I just existed there for a few years while, with the only social connections I had being my family and people online.

Eventually I realised that the pain of just being miserable and doing nothing was worse than the pain of trying to get myself out of the hole I had dug for myself and I tried to fumble my way back into the world again and now I have a job and I'll probably go back and get an education next semester, assuming I don't fuck that up. I think it's fairly easy to trace the origins of all my social anxiety issues here but like I said, it doesn't really teach me anything. I want to move on, not dwell on it all.

edited because the post it was in response to is now gone

Just lost my job. Hooray. Trying my hardest not to let it get to me any more than necessary.

Oh, fuck. I am so, so sorry. Hopefully you'll find something ever better soon.

Shit, I hope you find an even better job soon too!

I'm going to hold you and kiss you and we are gonna go out for drinks and you should forget that ol' job anyway (i bet it just got a disease and was too afraid to tell you, haha!) and you're gonna find a better job soon because you deserve better.

also i love you.

/hug

Oh, hello thread and all you lovelies! Just gonna start with this before the reading.



I...I am shit at not awkward speech but armor plating these likes with ❤❤❤ and support.

oh my god soli so many likes i'm drowning in them

This is what it is like to be cherished by Soli, baka! A like from me is the slight echo of the heights in which esteem I regard you.

...b-but...
But you're so much better than me tho

Okay that is ridiculous and I will bite you if you continue thus. >;C
There is no better than, there is only different from and hence enjoying the merits of variety.

i feel like someone blew up a "truer words" bomb in my head if you'll just excuse me

Right there with ya, brother.

Ah damn man. That sincerely sucks and I really hope you're not left too much in the lurch.
How're things holding up? *offers stuffed mushrooms and tea*

Fuck. Maybe we should start a business.

Those were sympathy Likes. Sorry to hear that, guys.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

We will open a bar, and call it "Puzzles."

Are you hiring? I can cook. :D

On an unrelated note, despite an hour-and-a-half-long anxiety attack this afternoon, I seem to have made progress on finishing my degree. I may not be starting a course until April, but there's a course that would work and a professor who would be happy to have me. Now, to figure out which building at my old university to threaten to firebomb unless they get their collective ass in gear...

still twitching. muscles still aching from the tension they were holding. but by cthulhu, progress has been made.

On the positive side, at least the economy *finally* seems to be picking up again. I've been unemployed for over a year now, and for the last 6 months of last year I didn't get a single call-back. But just this last month I've gotten 4 call-backs. So there is hope.

You look great, and I'll have words with anyone who says otherwise.

Last night I got crazy enough that I scared Quat and made her think about taking me to the hospital. Switching back and forth between maniacal laughter and sobbing my heart out, and then I wanted to go to Wal-Mart (because it's open 24 hours) and "buy a greeting card for the President to congratulate him on being inaugurated" and then wanted to go for a walk at 1am...

Yeah. Crazy. Yay for sedatives.

Ooof, that sounds horrible. I don't know if it's actually what you need, but in the past I was always helped by being reminded that it was not my fault that I felt that way. It's not your fault, either.

My eyes are leaking so many tears. I was having a serious..."episode" prior to reading this and this is just

thank you. thank you ten million times, thank you.

Rant incomming..

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Right so the dumb bitches at the bank after 6mths of handling the paper we MUST get notarized every damned month to continue the business that is in my fathers name , because it was a self proprietary.. suddenly is giving us the "We can't say you signed this paper because we don't know you are associated with the paper"
No amount of discussing worked with these people.
Without this said notification the temporary license expires.
Explanation- In Florida Pest Control is a apprenticeship. You must have 3 years active experience before you can even attempt to take the tests for the license. My Loon was at 2 years when dad left us, due to the extraordinary levels of training he received , and the fact that you an go for a long period under an emergency extension the state office (comprised of 4 over worked women) has been incredibly nice to be handling this with us. We pay a fee per month for them having to process. The whole goal is to get to may where Loon will have his three years and can find another job, take the test , whatever.. he is solid through the apprenticeship phase at that point.
If the license expires for Any reason (including probate) then the extensions no longer work. Rock Hard place then enter bitches who can't read and feel that they need to protect the bank from heaven knows what.
This is not my first run in with Suntrust.


In conclusion , above and beyond being asked to verify dad is dead , and that I have the will.. I took my paperwork and walked my happy ass over to Wells Fargo. I have an account with them, and they didn't even blink signing the paperwork. It is not a court document, it is not legally binding to the bank , it is none of their concern as notary to do more than verify that he signed that he filled it out (the whole point).

Fuck Suntrust.
-hides for three days cus ugh..still shaking and this was yesterday I delt with it-

I know it's not my fault. Still sucks ass, though. :)

I hate how depression often gives me five-year-old logic, where everything boils down to life not being faaaaair.

Last night I had a crying fit because my brain suddenly realized I would never be able to read all the books in the world. Like, the grown-up half of my brain was all "excuse me, WTF are you doing" and the five-year-old part was like "but one day I'm going to die and that's not fair..."

At least I got sleep last night, which is more than I can say for the first half of the week.

I am enthusiastic about eating for the first time in a long time. Mom says, "Let's go for a walk." I suggest we walk to a food place that is like 2-3 miles away as a workout. She tells me that, lately, all I do is think about food and talk about food and that I should start eating less before i end up like my boyfriend.

it's like having that part of my mind snapped awake from a slumber that it took a long time to get it to be in. who needs food.
who wants to eat and get fat.
who. who wants that. eating is stupid.

welp there goes the chances of today being a good day
if you'll excuse me, i'll just go to my room and hate myself again.

EDIT: what would going to my room help. i'd just get fatter. i'll go walk an incredibly far distance. by myself.

Sympathy like. If I had your mother I would have ceased listening a long time ago. My mother once told me that if I would never get a boyfriend if I didn't take care of my appearance. I didn't speak to her for the rest of the day and I think she got the message.
If I were closer to where you are I would go and get a trout and then slap your mother with it until she realised that she has a beautiful, kind, intelligent daughter who doesn't deserve being put down by others.

man, it's okay. In the end, I realized walking a large distance might get me in trouble, since I wouldn't have a way to get back home. SO I'M DOING DDR WHOO. My plan is to work off 1000 calories a day. Which is actually feasible. Working on my first 500 of the day and I'll do the other 500 in the evening.

WHAT BETTER WAY TO USE THE SADNESS I AM FEELING THAN TO BE PRODUCTIVE i am getting a little dizzy rn lemme just rest a spell

Oh my lord. I'll be up for fish slapping also because well I know that cut direct. Please take care not to overdo it too much my dear. And really, those are horrible words because it's looking for something that has yet to happen, just borrowing trouble of what could be but which is not. *hugs tight*