The "Once Upon A Time is Awful But We Watch It" Thread

The son could be Brit. Or that scene could have just been footage from a completely different show that somebody accidentally cut into the premiere, since, at this point, we know precisely nothing about what in the holy hell he was doing there in the first place. Brit will be kind of old for his son, though - even if OUT wants the son to be an adult, Michael Raymond-James almost presents as older than quite a few characters already on the show.

And owes him a favor.

Game of Thorns? Fuck you, show.

Also, man do I sympathize more with Rumple than just about anyone else on this show. His wife is a pretty loathsome creature.

"You left him. You abandoned him."
"And there's not a day that goes by that I do not feel sorry for that!"

Which is why she asked so many times about the status of her son!

Also, Captain Hook is a douche. I'm supposed to be all 'wah, he lost his true love! D; ' Really? He's the dickbag who called powerless Rumple a coward for not fighting for his wife. You know, the shepherd who'd never held a sword versus the pirate captain who'd been working with a sword his whole life? It kills me that Rumple never mentions this hypocrisy, nor his wife's lack of giving a shit about their son until the very last second, at all.

Bleh.

Oh, fuck you show - I don't remember any Disney movie about him. I guess nothing in the public domain is safe. What do we think the ballpark for Sherlock Holmes is at this point?

I wonder if the actor was like "I bet I'm a King! I bet I'm a Prince!" and then he got the script and was like "Are you fucking shitting me? I'm a Halloween episode?!"

With that guy, it was more likely "Do I get to do an English accent?" and they were all "We've got German, French, British, and Italian characters all mixing together and nobody else is really bothering with the accent, but... sure. Fine."

Considering how much mileage they've gotten out of the Mad Hatter, of all characters, I doubt that Frankenstein will be a one-off. Calling him "Dr. Whale" was brilliant, up there with naming Cinderella "Ashley."

Now that Disney owns Star Wars... nah, they wouldn't bring those characters in, right?

Pshaw. Perish the thought. Why, that would be as ridiculous as introducing a fictional Victorian mad scientist into Fairy Tale Junction. Surely they couldn't be that silly.

He said shortly before Gurgee appeared as an Ewok.

I do wish that the show had some sort of license to be subtle about it, though. I was laughing when somebody just called him Victor and I thought that would be it. My finger came out at the end when the show felt compelled to reconfirm my sad understanding that it is directed primarily at five year old children and people who think 50 Shades of Gray is the height of literature by removing any doubt whatsoever and just calling him Dr. Frankenstein. I like when my shows do me the basic credit of assuming I'll possess the analytical capacities of a garden variety rhesus monkey and not screaming commands into me as you would at a particularly stupid hound.

I'm honestly uncertain what your problem with Frankenstein is. He's exactly as much of a 'fairy tale' as the Mad Hatter is. And if nothing else his story is about fifty years older.

It's not a problem with the specific character - like I said, I laughed - as much as it's further muddying the concept behind the show. They're sneaking up on the point where, when they introduce a new character, I just don't have that, "Who's this guy?" reaction anymore, because it could be literally anybody they won't get sued for, which basically means it could be anybody. What annoys me, in a tangentially related vein, is the show's refusal to assume that I know who a guy that reanimates the dead and happens to be named Victor happens to be.

I'm waiting for them to introduce Darth Vader somehow, now that they can. Perhaps they'll end up making a stop in the Star Wars universe and Emma will wind up with a Lightsaber and some Jedi powers to take back to Storybrooke with her. One of the best things about the show hitting rock bottom for my expectations is that anything can be considered an improvement to the status quo.

I really don't understand a world where "this is the soap opera with live-action versions of existing Disney characters" is the more palatable alternative to "this is a soap opera about characters in stories existing in the real world, just like Fables." Maybe it's just that not enough people have read Fables? If that's the case, I hope the show never brings in Pecos Bill, Paul Bunyan, Sinbad, and Humpty Dumpty, or there'll be hell to pay.

I still don't know what I think about this week's episode. I was hoping for a much bigger pay-off with Rene from True Blood.

He'll always be Brit to me. You can't take that away, show. No matter how hard he's still playing Brit in this episode. Although you can cram this longing for a program I'll never get back straight up your ass. Also, if you weren't already disappointed in Lost, this show apparently takes place in the same universe (Apollo Bars), which makes Hugo showing up as the unconquerable giant (Hurley? Really? I would hug the living shit out of him, but I don't think I'd ever fear him unless he was suspended over me with a frayed rope, and lest you think that's a simple fat joke, think again - if that man lost every spare ounce on his body he'd still be gigantic) even weirder. Now Mark Pellegrino needs to show up and beat everybody at Senet. Or maybe Dallas can just spend an entire episode ineffectually screaming "Hennnnnnnnnnrrrrryyyyyyyyy."

I like how J is an unrepentant thief, but she's a politically correct thief. "Native American dreamcatcher?" C'mon, show. I'm led to understand that your scripts are just foul as all hell before first edit. That could not possibly have been what that line was originally. Also, while I will commend you for doing everything you could (big glasses to make her face look smaller, hair pulled back in a single tail, lots of big clothes to make her look a little bit smaller), you didn't take....what, 12 years off J? I don't know how old that kid is supposed to be, but you didn't cover that much ground.

And the most hilarious thing so far? During this extra sanitized, super clean show, what commercial comes on? The one where daddy's going away on business and his cute daughters make him a video that they want him to watch on the plane. And also his wife makes him a video that she suggests he probably ought not watch on the plane. Congratulations, parents - you get to explain how mommy had her tits out on that video (at a minimum) and that's why it was special. That's ABC's gift to you.

I hate to do this, but I think it's about time that we talk about kinesthesiology. I want you to find a pencil, person from the show who I know is reading this and hanging on every letter of my feedback. Now make a fist around that pencil. Squeeze your fist. Now look at your hand. Your thumb and index finger should not be touching tip-to-tip. You close your hand with a deliberate gap when you are a man and masturbating - not when you are trying to squeeze a small animal to death. The way that Jorge Garcia was holding Emma was wrong in a big, amplified, obvious way. You gotta work harder to get this shit right. Also, Garcia needs to fire his agent - 90% of the way through this episode, his only line was "Hurrrggghhhhhrrraaarrrgghh." He made up some ground in the last segment, but still.....

And, finally, way to send the show off on a low note. Have we not discussed the fact that The Tumor cannot carry a scene? Look - I hope the child has a marvelous career after his balls drop, but for now, we need to be minimizing the amount of weight we put on him. You are trying to support your show with a load-bearing performance made entirely of soggy particle board and lowered expectations. That will not end well.

It wouldn't be an episode of OUT if it didn't start off with a shitty linguistic choice. I'm pretty sure that nothing was prophesized because that's not a word. Her coming was prophesied. And don't go picking through the script to show that it's actually spelled correctly - what do you think the ten year olds that this show is directed at heard? Jerks. Also, whoever was in charge of that godawful thing that happened to the Evil Queen's hair in the flashback should probably be summarily fired. We should not be taking our fashion directives from that one really frightening looking actress from the eighties that I can't seem to remember the name just now.

Also, as I write this, fifteen minutes in, let me just say THE INK IS WHAT HE USED TO WRITE YOUR NAME YOU STUPID IDIOTS.

I'm also not entirely sure where it was that Emma apprenticed to learn how to fight sword as good as or better than a pirate.

I gotta say, the show really went out on a soft note. From Emma's superpower being love shield (please, please don't start stealing stuff from Twilight now) to The Tumor pitching a horrible little fit to the practically Totem Polian obsession with fully submerging hands into other people to the just cartoonishly callous disregard everybody in the room had to show at the end to set up FTH's uncertain loyalties (I mean, I'm a robot, and I can tell that you're supposed to ask everybody) - ooph. The sad thing is that this has been a reasonably good season otherwise, with comparatively few events that triggered my hate reflex.

Sooooooo. Did the writers totally forget that the kid's dad was on the way? And what is up with Emma and all the guys? First the sheriff guy who, by the way, died and no one remembers that? Then Augustus/Pinocchio is, what, too busy to be on this show except in a flashback? And now Hook? I mean, I was kind of surprised with how sexual that whole sword fight on the beach was. And how awful.

Also my god, how fucking stupid are they? HE HID THE INK IN HIS CELL! HERE IS A PAGE WITH WRITING ON IT. HERE IS THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES:

DUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

You guys saying this has been a reasonably good season make me sad. Has TV really lowered the bar so much that this is average? Ugh.

Reasonably good in comparison to last year. Last year bored me all to hell and back because all the show did was retell stories that I already knew from the prior retellings, which forced me to focus on the terrible choices they made with sentence structure and language composition and how The Tumor's mother, grandmother, and step-great-grandmother could all have been in high school at the same time and how Josh Dallas seems to be a man-shaped cubed ham sculpture that the producers shock with a remote control dog collar to get him to flop around the stage and how Historical Rumplestilskin was apparently Oscar Wilde's bedazzled id for most of the season. This year, at least they're trying something original-ish. It ain't precisely Justified, but this year I have at least been tuning in with some semblance of actual interest to see what will happen. In the overall television hierarchy it's still pretty far down my list.

Of course, ratings slipped a little and there have been articles on how to fix the show, so clearly I don't know from good television anyway, since most of the articles that I read basically amounted to "go back to the way things were in the first season."

I sometimes wonder if this show is written by a twelve year old child.

Stupid Illiterate Bumpkin: It's just scribbles!
A Waifish Australian: It's called another language.

I imagine that the requisite "dickweed" or "assbutt" or "fartknocker" got edited out in the first pass.

I also think that I need to track down an expert in medieval armor at some point and inquire as to why it is that dudes are best protected with strong metal plates that go straight up to the collar while women are at their safest when you can clearly perceive every bump and contour of their sternum. And, you know, maybe a tit if things get really wild. I honestly don't get it in this case. You don't have to unlimber Emile de Ravin's chest to make her look pretty. You hired her in no small part because she has an exceptionally pretty face. At least Jamie Chung is properly dressed.

And at some point the show should probably explain why a Mogwai would eschew living near water. It seems to me like that might be the best place for them to go. Infinite replication and what have you. I also remember them being cuddlier. And not on fire. Maybe I need to revisit Gremlins.

And if somebody could say me why there's a christing box labeled "sand" at every slip on this pier, that'd be great. It seems too ridiculous not to be genuine.

And either this dalmatian needs to start sort-of-talking or Belle needs to change her outfit in the real world. Or possibly somebody can say "zoinks" and actually pay out the gag. Or put her in glasses. Or get her an ambiguously gay friend in an ascot. DON'T LET THIS JOKE GO BY UNADDRESSED, SHOW.

I gotta say, though - this episode sets the record for a clever, beautiful woman inexplicably hurling herself repeatedly in the direction of an utter and complete asshole. Has Robert Carlyle done even a single thing in this show so far to merit anybody at all treating him with anything other than hatred, mistrust, and revulsion? I mean, I'm supposed to think that Belle is just pitiful at this point, right?

She's got Storybrook Syndrome.

I called this damn plot twist back when we first met this guy. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, SHOW! P.S. None of your character choices make any fucking sense.

To be entirely accurate, she called this shit like halfway through last season.

What bothers me the most (out of many, many complaints over the writing) is I can never picture the "royal" characters being able to successfully rule a kingdom, fantasy or no.

I mean, yeah Disney Princess base, sure. But considering the villains are about as subtle as wrecking-balls in a condemned neighborhood with their evil plans...which most times work, the royalty are far too idealistic and adventurous to be successful with intrigue or political maneuvering.

And everyday life in Storybrooke has proven that they fail at communication so I dunno why they bother with Orges to war against. It's pretty obvious there'd be revolutions and insider takeovers all over the map... I'd best not think about that map and the fact that Chinese hero Mulan and the French knight Lancelot are now on it...

GOOD ALWAYS WINS NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT IS BECAUSE EVIL IS STUPIDER!

That appears to be what the show is pushing anyway. I just can't believe they can't even settle on character motivation. Or characters at all. So Gold's wife was all "I love you no matter what, you won't be a coward like your father, you're the best, it's all cool. Go ahead!" And then he comes back and she's like "OH SHIT YOU ARE A COWARD GUESS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED OMFG YOU ARE TEN MILLION TIMES AS TERRIBLE AS I WILL BE WHEN I JUST ABANDON MY FAMILY AFTER YEARS OF SPOUSAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT OF MY CHILD! P.S. THAT NICE SCENE WE HAD? WRITTEN BY ANOTHER WRITER THAT THE NEXT WRITER DIDN'T BOTHER READING! HE ALSO NEVER SAW THE EPISODE WHERE I WAS A PIRATE WHORE! WHY ARE YOU SURPRISED?"

Show, who do you want me to root for here? Cause I'm rooting for whoever looks like they will KILL EVERYONE. Every single character on this show is awful. And no, show, you're not being subtle by having "HER" be on the cell phone. I know it's going to end up being some other fucking fairy tale character.

So basically I'm rooting for the network to cancel this god awful mess.

"Fairy magic is the purest magic of all." Now here's a soul-sucking death candle, have fun becoming a murderer kid.

Were they taking ques from the Little Mermaid's kill to regain life? But that only happened in H.C.Anderson's version, not Disney's- oh darn, I'm trying to find themes and allusions IN THIS WRITTING. I clearely haven't learned my lesson yet.

Maybe instead of standing in a graveyard being all ridiculous, someone should call Gold and be like "Maybe don't come back here. We were fucking retarded yet again and gave the bad guys the item of power for no reason except we're retarded. Did we mention retarded? Retarded."

I was disappointed that what's his face was calling his fiancee for a car and wasn't calling Hugh Hefner to help pilot the pirate ship. That would have been worth it.

"I'm a boat captain!"

Watching this now, I'm convinced the writers are trolling the audience.

"Help us, Mother Superior. You're our only hope."

Okay, I'll give them some credit. The worst thing any character has ever done on this show was done by Snow White. That was pure fucking evil!

But Jesus, the fairy tale backstories are getting ridiculous.

Hey, look at this post I made a million years ago. I wasn't right about the mother (THAT WE KNOW OMG!!!!) but I'm so glad that we finally found out the answer to why Cora is evil.

DARE I HOPE WE SOON FIND OUT WHY EVA WAS SUCH A BITCH TO CORA FOR NO REASON?!

I'll echo the above two posts, and add how awesome Rose McGowan was as young Cora. Between the actress that plays young Snow and McGowan, this show has done a pretty incredible job of finding younger versions of these actors that not only resemble them, but sometimes even do a better job than their older versions.

But yeah hahaha at Snow White going all dark magic.

They definitely succeeded in making the young Cora/Rumple stuff creepy as fuck.

Taser vs Magic Asian Dragon: Taser pwns.
Fuck you, show.

My favorite part was that they couldn't do any better than a Photo Booth filter for August. That wasn't distracting at all.

Also, "Quick! Someone get the Blue Fairy!"
"Oh hi, I was just walking by and heard my name, what's up?"

That's a pretty amazing taser, what with it being able to conduct electricity through wood.

I'm also disappointed at the not-so-shocking reveal. Ethan Embry (holy shit has this guy aged badly or what?) actually has a relatively tragic backstory. I feel for him. Evil Girl (who is the third major black character they've introduced and the third that turned out to be evil!*) is just a jerk.

*I'm counting Cora-as-Lancelot here.

Yeah this show is still on and I'm reminding you it exists. You're welcome!

So now we have a team of people who want to wipe magic out of the world and are hellbent on blowing up Storybrook.

I guess the writers have not done their job, cause I am rooting for them. Everyone in that fucking town is a mess. Go team No-Magic!

Does no one else watch this anymore? :(

The season finale was okay if largely predictable. I had a feeling they'd try to use a magic bean to get rid of the dark crystal, although I thought that would be the actual solution, not the Power of Love resolution they went with instead.

And goddammit, why couldn't they just leave Neal presumed dead?

Mary/Snow spelling out the show's central theme was way too on-the-nose, but I shouldn't expect more from network TV, I guess.

Next season better have Gold beating Peter Pan with his cane or I'm not interested.

I am calling it right now: the boy is his undoing AS THE DARK ONE.

Also wait, when did they get Phillip back? And Henry is Peter Pan?

It must be a little weird for Hook. He's got a crush on the girl who had a kid with the son of the woman that he originally loved who blahblahblah I hate this show.